Your “Home-Cooked Factory of Sadness Sadness” Wednesday Open Thread

A pretty full (Darnell) docket of NFL minutiae today:

  • nfl.com:
    The faces of competition.
    • NFL investigators are looking into whether Aqib Talib shot himself. I expect the crack team that investigated Brady’s deflated balls to eventually conclude “Touchdown Seahawks”. If they would just read Crimebeat!, their problems would be solved.
    • More musings that the starter’s job in San Francisco is Blaine Gabbert’s to lose. I’m highly anticipating a “Chip Kelly to Go With ‘The Flow'” headline close to the regular season.
  • ESPN:
    • In what seems like more of a typical Browns story, or possibly Bucs/MRSA circumstance, Jags WR Allen Hurns is allergic to grass. Martavis Bryant is desperately trying to find an out for himself in all of this.
    • Ravens DL Timmy Jernigan wanted to change his number to 99 to honour his idol Warren Sapp, and Sapp responded by demanding the kid not do that. Rumour is it’s because Jernigan stopped returning Sapp’s calls & texts, but I figure it’s because Sapp thought he was going to get paid for the honour, and has a hotel room and ‘entertainment’ he really needs covered this weekend.
    • In an actual “Thanks, Obama” moment, Broncos WR (& fantasy team poison) Demaryius Thomas personally thanked the President during the Broncos visit for pardoning his mother back in July. The pardon, as part of a blanket series granted to non-violent drug offenders, eliminated the remaining five years on her 20-year sentence for participating in his grandmother’s cocaine distribution ring. (BTW, Grandma is serving two life sentences for being the ringleader.)
  • SBNation:
    • A pretty chilling account from eyewitnesses about the moments leading to former Saint Will Smith’s murder. TL;DR – it pretty much invalidates self-defence.
    • The Dolphins might be interested in trading for Darren McFadden? What broken-down piece of junk would the Cowboys want in return? Would JERRAH accept payment in hookers?
  • Profootballtalk:
    • JPP is going to be doing a fireworks PSA in time for July 4th.
      • Not in time for his right hand, but just in time for his left.
    • Following up on the rumour of the Dolphins looking at possibly acquiring Run-DMC, PFT says the Fins are losing interest in signing Arian Foster.
    • If true, Andrew Luck’s contract extension will be worth about $25 million a year, $3 million more than elite QB Joe Flacco and a $9 million raise on his fifth-year option for 2016.
    • Finally, on a humourous note, Trent Richardson says the 2016 season begins his first steps towards the Hall of Fame.

In lesser sports news, Maria Sharapova was suspended two years for using banned substances, specifically the drug meldonium. According to the BBC, Meldonium – also known as mildronate – is a drug designed to treat ischemia, a condition where there is a reduction in blood supply to body tissue. It is also said to have benefits for diabetes sufferers. For athletes, it helps with oxygen delivery to the muscles, so it would help with endurance.

Clearly, an issue.

So far, no sign of it has turned up in any old Lance Armstrong samples, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.


In lesser sports reporting, someone at The Hollywood Reporter thought it would be a good idea to ask Bill Simmons some questions. Idiot. Among the factoids I cherry-picked:

ME! I ALSO INVENTED “30 for 30”! YUP, I DID IT!
  • ESPN = bad. Bad, bad men.
  • Roger Goodell + ESPN = Bill Simmons alone must pay.
  • Deadspin totally fucked him over. He’s an angel & team player.
  • Everybody wanted him, but HBO wants to love him.
    • He’s going to totally be the Bill Maher of sports, bros!
  • People who don’t like Bill say Bill is galvanizing, and that galvanizes Bill.
  • “30 for 30” totally sucks now. WHY MESS WITH A WINNING FORMULA?!
  • Did you know he’s from Boston? SHOCKER!

Read it if you dare, but be warned: It makes Peter King look self-aware.


So…Game 3 is tonight. Does it begin the comeback, or validate the LeBron-as-poison / Cleveland-is-cursed theories? I saw the 4th quarter of Game 2, and I have to tell you, Golden State looked pretty unbeatable. Seeing GSW roll Cleveland in the first two games must make OKC fans cry, and Sonics fans delighted. It seemed to me like Kerr’s defensive strategy was to triple LeBron and let the others shoot from outside, figuring that the stress of trying to compensate would crack their aim. Luckily, it turns out that’s one of the main theories so-called “experts” are going with.

One of the few benefits of having separate Canadian coverage (US-game broadcast, but pre-pregame and post-postgame Canadian commentary) due to how far the Raptors got is that I’m learning what snipers the Cavs were during their series against TO. Rod Black – who is as white as you’d expect from a Canadian basketball commentator – keeps going on about how the Warriors have rattled the Cavs into taking poor 3s rather than setting up a good shot. I don’t think that’s just the difference, but – okay.

If the Cavs win tonight, then we’ve got an actual series (maybe – see SJ-Pitt). But if they lose, and lose hard, then this is most likely over by Friday, and the team gets blown up on July 1, when free agency starts.


Tonight’s engaging sports contests:

NBA: Game 3 – Warriors @ Cavs – 9:00

Copa: streak broken – no wrecked anthems last night.

  • Brazil vs Haiti – 7:30 – Camping World Stadium, Orlando (future site of the Pro Bowl)
  • Ecuador vs Peru – 10:00 – University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale

Alternative Programming:

  • NBC – American Ninja Warrior – 8:00
    • Why does everyone have to have a story? Why can’t one of them just say, “It looks like fun, so I figured ‘why not’?”
    • This show mostly reminds me how much I miss MXC.
  • ESPN Classic – Connors vs McEnroe; Evert vs Navratalova – 1982 Wimbledon Final – 8:00; 10:00
    • this one’s for Dok, as she is contemplating blowing a ton of money on strawberries & cream.
      • If you do go, please accept this London play recommendation – Sunny Afternoon
  • FX – The Americans – 10:00
    • Season 4 finale! Hopefully, it includes some gratuitous Keri Russell alongside good actor Keri Russell.

Myself, if I had the choice, I prefer London over New York as a tourist destination. It’s probably the history major in me. Also, MY EXTRA “U”‘s ARE NOT OUT OF PLACE!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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WCS

Hmmm….
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Redshirt

Well, rumors were that LeBron James was going to do Space Jam 2. Apparently the Cavaliers are playing the part of the Monstars after stealing the talents of various NBA All Stars.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We’ve secretly replaced the Cleveland Cavaliers with the Golden State Warriors. Let’s see if anyone notices…

Redshirt

Did everyone in Cleveland sell their souls to the Devil?

Unsurprised

The Devil wouldn’t make such a foolish purchase.

WCS

Satan couldn’t accept that deal; no collateral, since they already live in Cleveland, it can’t get any worse.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Where was THIS Irving 3 days ago?!?

Redshirt

Man, the graphics to the new NBA 217 looks great. This game almost looks real!

Unsurprised

I smell points shaving.

No, wait. That’s my asparagus.

Sill Bimmons

CUTCH INTO HOME WITH THE LEAD FOLLOWING ANOTHER NEIL WALKER ERROR WOO

Senor Weaselo

Tee hee?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I can’t believe I’m the first pervert amongst the crowd to post a Maria.
I think she’s getting a raw deal. I mean what’s a little doping between friends?
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WCS

“Right?!”

— Marion Berry

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha!!! Nice.

Unsurprised

Hey!

Bitch set ‘im up.

herodotus450

Since she can’t play tennis, maybe she will have more time for modeling?

Sill Bimmons

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Unsurprised

“After savoring the flavor for a bit, it occurred to me that they had served me a cup of French dip juice.” — Len Saunders

1) Shocking this isn’t Indy
2) I’d much rather have this than coffee

https://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/off-the-menu-restaurant-customers-who-ate-the-wrong-things

Unsurprised

The Subway monstrosity story, though. That is classic Indy.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did these teams switch uniforms or something?

Sill Bimmons
Redshirt

Damn you and your truthful statement!

Unsurprised

I’m still confused as to why this isn’t in every GSW-CLE open thread body text.

http://116.imagebam.com/download/wzb0T3ZOiM5sPSDm20flmA/47840/478399186/curry.gif

Redshirt

9-0?! Are the Warriors toying with the Cavs or something?

Redshirt

Am I too late to use this clip?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwwY9y6O3hw

Senor Weaselo

In preparation of the Clevelanding.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcc2ltIjNU0

WCS

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Sill Bimmons

It.
Will.
Never.
Get.
Old.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This really is one of the greatest sports photographs ever taken.

Unsurprised

It’s times like this I wish I hooked up my TV to the antenna, and that the antenna actually got a signal (I think it gets ABC, though)/

theeWeeBabySeamus

(2 days….*woo*)
Garbage – When I Grow Up
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Je-CPZRwbh8

theeWeeBabySeamus

Evening gents…
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WCS

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Haldo.

...

It’s mesmerizing. Like a lava lamp.

Unsurprised

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Sill Bimmons

S’OK

Unsurprised
Sill Bimmons

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Unsurprised

I should put those on my business card once I get licensed.

Sill Bimmons

Remaking “Ghostbusters” with the current crop of male comic actors would be even worse than the all-woman cast.

At least with women you can claim that you’re taking a different angle to the franchise.

What man would you cast as any of those roles and expect success?

You can’t recatch lightning in a bottle, you stupid Hollywood fucks.

Duchess

Right… I don’t know who has the comedic chops to pull it off. The “Frat Pack” are pushing 50 and do you think it would have been Seth Rogen and crew? Great it would be a 2 hour long joke about the ghost blow job scene twist it was James Franco getting a blow job from the ghost of Paul Lynde

Sill Bimmons
WCS

Redshirt

My problem’s not the all-female cast. They will do great, but it would be better if it was a distant sequel. Say all the ghosts go away after Ghostbuster II due to the pink slime making everyone in New York City happy, but they come back 25 years later and now new people got to restart it.

Plus, it will have a climax where the original Ghostbusters (one in ghost form) show up and help the new ones save the day and pass the torch.

Sill Bimmons

I disagree.

They will do terribly because the original film leaned so heavily on Bill Murray’s inimitable improvisational skills.

Redshirt

Tonight, Part 3 in ABC’s hit new mini-series “Dear God, Its Happening Again: The Cleveland Story”.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Starring: Curry, Thompson, and Green and a cameo appearance from Livingstone’s knee
/punches ticket to hell

Duchess

I agree Trent Richardson will make the Hall of Fame. He will be talked about as the guy who single handedly made Curtis Enis look like a wise draft choice.

Sill Bimmons

Hey, now.

Enis went to Penn State.

At least Alabama has produced a competent RB or two since the early 70s.

...

The words “Curtis Enis” make me sad which is hard to do considering his name is practically a dick joke.

Redshirt

What the… the original cast of Ghostbusters? Someone turn time backwards, I want to watch that!

WCS

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Unsurprised

Ramis went above and beyond.

herodotus450

Oh yeah I loved Ghostbusters, featuring all my favorite comedians of the time: Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, and the black one.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

So I’m watching Jimmy Kimmel right now, and I gotta ask:
Is Leslie Jones the granddaughter of Mammy Two Shoes?
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Redshirt

Leslie Jones is female Tracy Morgan. She might actually be Tracy Morgan in drag in some sort of Andy Kaufman-Tony Clifton-like thing.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

I thought I’d never say this in my life but,… that’s an insult to Tracy Morgan.

herodotus450

Bah! I misread and thought the article about Arian Foster was from PFTC, not just PFT. What a waste of precious bandwidth.

Gratliff

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I’m not sure why Rusev is at the CMT Music Awards, but GOT-DAMN, Lana.

Redshirt

I don’t know while Lana is in mid-march while Rusev is posing, but who case, its Lana.

Duchess

jesus… Fox gave Tebow a dumb home show. Let me guess after the camera stops rolling most of the people will try to sell the house and be left off worse than they were before?

WCS

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Sill Bimmons

“Why is our chimney a foot shorter?”

Redshirt

I’m watching a 1986 episode of Night Court where a young Fran Drescher switched from her usual shrill voice to a dark, seductive voice.

Its amazing how a voice can make an ugly woman to impressively hot. Its also amazing that Fran Drescher’s voice turned me on.

Gratliff

She was absolutely smoking in The Hollywood Knights. Her voice makes me want to bleed out.

Sill Bimmons

So, an argument between myself and a colleague needs to be adjudicated here.

Which weapon do you think has killed more people:

1. Type 98 Mauser rifle and its derivatives

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No} AK-47 and its derivatives

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The Type 98 was the standard service rifle for the Wehrmacht from 1889–1945 during two World Wars that killed an estimated 60 million enemies of the German states.

The AK-47 wasn’t.

If you vote in my favor not only will you be correct, but I will send you the 12 internet dollars you initially invested in the site.

http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/don-t-vote-for-stupid.png

herodotus450

“In fact, when I know what is meant by mamelon and ravelin,
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,”
Then I’ll answer you question.

Redshirt

Probably the Type 98, my performance in Call of Duty: World at War not withstanding. But with all the crazy people, criminals and loose gun laws, the AK-47 is catching up.

Unsurprised

AK-47

Most of those war casualties weren’t from small arms fire.

Sill Bimmons

They were still, you know, WARS.

The AK-47 hasn’t been the standard service rifle of a single nation engaged in declared warfare.

Kungjitsu

I don’t know. Declared wars or not, everyone and their brother with a leftist bent has used an AK-47 since, well, 1947. I think Kim Jong-Un killed 3 million people with an AK this morning.

Sill Bimmons

Yeah…no.

Unsurprised

Doesn’t matter. You asked which of the two guns killed more people. It’s easily the Kalashnikov.

Sill Bimmons

Doubtlessly correct.

Duchess

I’d vote Type 98… AK 47 didnt see the battle field in WWII

Sill Bimmons

Exactly.

AK-47 means Automat Kalashnikov-1947.

Even if the Type 98 only accounted for 10% of Wehrmacht enemy deaths in the World Wars that’s still SIX MILLION PEOPLE.

Duchess

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Those Karlie Kloss vids I made last night from that music video:

https://gfycat.com/PastUnsightlyHarvestmouse

https://gfycat.com/LastingVapidIntermediateegret

I jut haven’t gotten around to splitting the rest of the clips up into 15 second chunks, but I will eventually. That will make at least ten total.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She likes her music, I’m fine with that.

Unsurprised

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

KILL IT! KILL IT!

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Gratliff

He never recovered from Beecher shitting on his face in that weight room. Let it go man.

WCS

So, Whiplash was just JK Simmons in roid rage for 100 minutes?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

JK looks strong enough to choke the life out of PK quickly; the future does have some bright spots.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He needs big guns to collect his Social Security check. No problem wit dat.

Sill Bimmons

Contrary to popular belief, when his aorta finally dissects from his heart he won’t spray blood out of his mouth all over the place.

It’ll just turn his neck and chest this remarkable crimson color you only see in catastrophic internal bleeding.

It always put me in mind of the color of early Corvette seats:

http://www.oldcarsguide.com/chevrolet/corvette/images/1959-corvette-seats.jpg

scotchnaut

“CFL PRESEASON FOOTBALL!”

I’ll take, “What Causes 75% of all early summer suicides in Canada” for $600, Alex.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sill Bimmons

Constructed with pride on the Isle Of Man.

WCS

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Sill Bimmons

Jameson Taillon making his major league pitching debut for the Dirt Stillers tonight.

We really need this kid to be good to have any hope of catching the Dirt Bears.

Sill Bimmons

Early returns are less than encouraging.

Gratliff

A week into job hunting and I’m already ready to walk down the street and smash every windshield I see.

http://cdn3-www.craveonline.com/assets/uploads/2016/05/Overwatch-Problems-Reaper.gif
DIE! DIE! DIE!

Oh well, at least I have NXT The End tonight, which is actually using Baby Metal for its theme.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvD3CHA48pA

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

Do you have any sales experience and/or medical training?

If all goes according to plan I should be hiring in the Philly area by the end of the month.

Gratliff

Of course, the problem with that is that I’ve lived in Michigan for the last 10 years. 😛

I’m IT by trade. There’s jobs around here, and probably ones I’ll get an offer for, but when I’m not working, I get into the “Apply to jobs, email contacts, refresh email and look at phone constantly until you pass out” cycle. I don’t really even like long vacations, so this is boring the hell out of me.

Sill Bimmons

Yeah, I’m no help to you at all.

Our IT consists entirely of making sure the website can take and fill orders.

Unsurprised

This is my Hell.

Plus Barbri.

WCS

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sill Bimmons

I read that cats do that “jumping in terror “thing because they identify the banana/cucumber/et&c as a snake.

That’s unconscious instantaneous adaptation right there.

COME AT ME CREATIONISTS

http://wp.production.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/files/2016/05/SunEarthHam.png

Sill Bimmons

Hey Ken!

How many cranes did Noah have?

Gratliff

Damn it. I should have thought of that

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Evolutionary religion”……..

JESUS FUCKING HERBERT CHRIST!

Sill Bimmons

i was thinking about FJMing the Simmons thing.

I got through about half of it and just gave up.

Pretty sure I’d have to start drinking again to be able to even finish reading it, let alone have anything left to comment.

Unsurprised

Maester Aemon?

Senor Weaselo
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sill Bimmons

THEY’RE FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING THE EXISTENCE OF UNOBTAINIUM WOO

http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/jamescameronsavatar/images/7/7a/Unobtainium-490×245.jpg

scotchnaut

“THE PERIODIC TABLE IS FINALLY FULL!”

[shakes fist]

“I’ll win the next eating contest, you insatiable bastard!”

-Andy Reid

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

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scotchnaut

You need to wife that pancake-no questions asked!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m sure the people of Cleveland will manage their expectations of Lebron leading a comeback against GSW.

scotchnaut

“Blaine Gabbert” and “lose” in the same sentence? I was expecting something different.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Sexy

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