Your “It All Makes Sense” Thursday Open Thread

NFL News:

Brandon Weeden’s problems are now solved!
  • If you took the Saints in the draw, well – you’re a winner. Which is strange, because they weren’t part of the roster that opened veteran minicamps on Tuesday. Regardless, Defensive End Hau’oli Kikaha tore his ACL and is done for the year. Somewhere in western New York, a Wolfman lets loose a lonely howl in sympathy.
  • New NFL rules in place today tweak existing guidelines based upon incidents from last year:
    • The “James Jones rule” now prohibits wearing hoodies under a jersey. The reason is that they block view of the player’s name plate.
    • The “Joey Porter rule” now prohibits an assistant coach from entering the playing field except to specifically treat an injured player. The reason is because Steelers-Bengals 2016 playoffs.
  • Hue Jackson has publicly stated that he has not decided on a starting QB yet, and will need more time to decide on a #1. “About Week 12” was the best anyone could get.
  • In an interview on the Steelers website, Boss Todd echoed earlier Big Ben statements, saying “thirty points a game is still a goal.”
  • Via the AJC, profootballtalk has Roddy White stating he will only sign with a club that wants to win now, because he’s only got 1-2 more years left. “I don’t have the energy to be on teams that can’t win now.” So…hello Lions?
  • Numerous sites are reporting Cam has “retired” the Dab, and will have something new for the 2016 season. It’s not the “stutter step; don’t recover the fumble”, because we saw that in the Super Bowl.
  • Finally, 2016 Tebow (ie – QB with a bad arm that people keep linking to teams) Johnny Manziel got served with a lawsuit as he exited a club in LA. It could be because of his trashed rental, his car accident, or a civil claim related to his criminal charges.

    “Solid look, bruh!”

Finally, in this-will-end-well news, Ohio State announced all home games will now have stadium-wide beer sales. Hilariously, it’s rationalization is to allow OSU to create two new positions in the OSU police department, with any surplus revenue going towards studying alcohol & drug misuse…oh, and to athletics.


Politics:

  • Shockingly, Obama endorses Clinton.

End of special report.


Well, I guess it’s a series.

This shit was ridiculous.

I watched the first quarter, and the NBA at least accomplished this: the Warriors starting that game THAT BADLY ensured more people would either tune in or keep watching until well into the 4th quarter, because precedent promised Golden State would mount some sort of comeback. The closest I saw was 9 points; feel free to correct me. Finishing down 30 brought back memories of scores from each side of the Conference Finals.

Speaking of series, tonight you might get to drink one down for WCS if his beloved Penguins pull off their first home Cup win. (All three previous Cups were clinched on the road – Minnesota; Chicago; Detroit) If that happens, we probably won’t hear from him for a week, and his little girl’s birth certificate might have her birth name whited-out and replaced with “Sidney Murray”. (BTW: “Rust LeTang”, which first popped into my head, would make a great punk band name.) If that does happen, make sure to also pour one out for Covalent Blonde, as this sultry siren of the sidelines will have to wait once again for next year for her beloved Sharks. At least she still has the Warriors…

The Cup Finals MVP, and Covalent’s MVP.

Tonight’s possibly championship hoisting events:

NHL: Sharks @ Penguins – 8:00 (Game 5; Pens up 3-1)

Copa:

  • Uruguay vs Venezuela – 7:30 – Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia
  • Mexico vs Jamica – 10:00 – the Rose Bowl, Pasedena

Finally, look at this bird

That’s a seagull, and what happens when you dumpster dive behind an Indian food preparation plant, Tikka Masala specifically. Or, does it explain Trump’s magnetic glow & magnificent plumage…

HE LOVES INDIAN FOOD!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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SOON

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Has anyone seen the new Andy Samberg movie yet? Trying to decide if we want to make that a weekend agenda item.

Unsurprised

Why am I reading about politics? I would’ve been better off watching baseball.

Doktor Zymm

You want to be angry? I’m a professional scoffer and this election is even pissing me off.

King Hippo

I gave one of my cats the middle name Adams after our 2nd President, and have indeed written him in for elective office on several occasions.

Senor Weaselo

Do you have to tell your cat to sit down?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqAdlkJDt7k

Unsurprised

Fuck it. I’m just going to dance. That’s all I can and want to do.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sometimes you just gotta, right?

...

And we have five more months of it! Plenty of time to properly fit that pistol barrel to your lips!

Doktor Zymm

Zymm’s Guide to Watching Commercials on Univision : For some reason, travel guides always assume you need to know the word for hairdresser when you are in foreign countries. In Spanish it is “Peluqueria” which you should take care not to confuse with “Pelota”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

All you really need to know is mezcalería

herodotus450

I do need to find a good Peluqueria for by Pelota

Doktor Zymm

Sadly, I don’t know the Spanish for “pubercuts”
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Gratliff

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Doktor Zymm

Zymm’s Guide to Watching Sports on Univision : America can refer to more than just the US! There are TWO WHOLE continents which are named after the Italian map maker who never saw these lands!

Covalent Blonde

Jonesy with a mighty powerful headbutt!

Covalent Blonde

It’s so cute that we get a PP to fuck off for the next 2 minutes.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Sill Bimmons
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You guys.

I finally got away from the job that was slowly bleeding the life out of me.

I got a better job that pays me more and doesn’t require a horrible commute.

I get a week off to go to Sweden.

You guys, I’m excited.

ballsofsteelandfury

WHOOHOO! You need to come back with a full report.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Congrats on both counts!

Unsurprised

I’m dying of jealousy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Played softball for the first time in over a year. At my advanced age, I don’t run like Hayes and I hit like shit.

King Hippo

time is a mean motherfucker

ballsofsteelandfury

DON’T FORGET TO PUT THE TIP IN! First game starts tomorrow morning!

theeWeeBabySeamus

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Isn’t it in yet?

Doktor Zymm

Zymm’s Guide to Watching Sports on Univision : “Pelota” means ball. If you hear this word next to the word “Azul” you probably aren’t watching sports anymore.

ballsofsteelandfury

Pelotas. Don’t forget lefty!

Doktor Zymm

Criadillas de Futbol!

King Hippo

Jamaica is hangin’ in this mofo better than I imagined.

Doktor Zymm

Zymm’s Guide To Watching Sports on Univision : The names they say are the same as the names on the jerseys, because their names are already in Spanish on the shirts!

Covalent Blonde

Even if you hate the Sharks, you can’t tell me Pavelski doesn’t have moves.

Doktor Zymm

Reason #417 I like my coworkers : today we had a conversation about Tristan Da Cunha and I wasn’t even the one who brought it up!

JustStopDude

What kind of porn does she do?

Doktor Zymm

Well, seeing as everyone on the island is descended from 8 men and 7 women, 2 of whom were sisters….

Unsurprised

Tristan’s a boy’s name, but the porn question seems valid.

Cuntler

LIVE LOOK IN. JONATHAN TOEWS BRING THE CUP TO THE IGLOO (is that what they call the Penguins stadium??)

http://www.trbimg.com/img-502678bc/turbine/chi-toewsbus20100711162536/600/600×338

Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

Gigantic silver boob. Nice.

Sill Bimmons

It was originally designed as an opera house with a retractable roof, hence the boobosity.

King Hippo

The fuck would Yinzburgh do with an opera house??

Sill Bimmons

There used to be a shit-ton of money in PIttsburgh.

Even a crusty old Scot like Carnegie wants his opera once he gets the cheddar,

Senor Weaselo

We in New York thank him for that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Glow in the dark pussy.
(just think how many awkward moments could have been avoided if they all glowed in the dark)
http://25.media.tumblr.com/080c2951cbf93cc982d619e2faaa2c24/tumblr_mispvf6vxD1r3k73wo1_500.gif

theeWeeBabySeamus

POUNCE ALREADY, YOU CUTE FURRY LITTLE BASTARD!!!!! STOP MOCKING ME!!!!!!

King Hippo

You don’t get to the top of teh predator food chain by skimping on the prep time. FUCKING HUMANS ,, amirite??

King Hippo

Fucking beautiful goal there, Mexican Ochicinco.

JustStopDude
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
herodotus450

Hey, my new shirt doesn’t have any spare buttons; no wonder it was 8 bucks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

C’mon, Sharks. Break their hearts.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

Sliders: Have three tiny burgers that don’t even equal one real burger and pay more for the privilege!

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Doktor Zymm

Also, no side dish!

Sill Bimmons

That Bon Jovi ad was kind of clever the first 85,093,934,286,094,235,209 times I saw it.

JustStopDude

Can we go back in time to when we hadn’t seen it yet?

Unsurprised

LOL

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makeitsnowondem

Oh god I’ve bitten off more than I can drink

King Hippo

In bourble with the cat, fiancee, or Goodell help you…BOTH??

Unsurprised

The cat would’ve killed him

Senor Weaselo

You have to ease back into it!

SonOfSpam

Just fuck the middle vagina.

JustStopDude

Mexico is like the Dallas Cowboys and the Americas…

Like the fans expect them to win everything every single year…the team has talent…but a lot of the talent are insane shitheads, the fan base consists of just awful people.

JustStopDude

Edit…meant to say “Mexico is like the Dallas Cowboys of the Americas”

Unsurprised

It’s funny because 90% of the Mexicans I know are Cowboys fans.

JustStopDude

Its fucking perfect proof how idiotic the NFL is…that they are trying to shove an NFL team in England…and ignores Mexico City.

Unsurprised

I don’t want to say it’s racism, but it’s racism.

ballsofsteelandfury

The entirety of this comment thread is 100% correct.

King Hippo

so, is Chicorito like teh Mexican version of Ochocinco? How do say “carboat” en espanol?

Senor Weaselo

Woo, Dirt Giants sweep 4 games from the Dirt… Department of Redundancy Department?

Doktor Zymm

Whenever I watch Spanish television, I occasionally can pick out a word I know and then I feel proud and multilingual. My Spanish is good enough that I got along pretty well in Peru, where people talk slow but use non-standard Spanish (lots of Quecha slang), okay in Chile, where people talk faster, but standard, and kinda crappy in Panama, mostly because I started out in Boquete, which is full of ex-pats, so I didn’t adjust properly. Basically, my level of Spanish is such that talking slowly and loudly at me would actually help a lot.

Senor Weaselo

I liked watching Sabado Gigante when I was 4-5. Not sure why.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

I think I know why…

JustStopDude

Six years in the navy, at any given point, the majority of my division were native Spanish speakers. I’ve done assignments in Mexico as a civilian and a got a number of coworkers that are Spanish speakers.

I can’t speak Spanish for shit…mainly because I can barely speak English clearly…

For the life of me, I cannot follow the Spanish soap operas. Even the dudes on my boat, born and raised in Mexico, admitted the people on those shows speak insanely fast.

Doktor Zymm

Fabulous facial expressions though. One of my best friends in college, we would watch those soap operas while drinking and do our own voice overs based on absurd plots we made up. Though I expect we made as much sense as the actual plots.

King Hippo

two years of high school espanol, taken because I suck at languages and it was the easiest one (I got to be in class with the football team!!) – it’s enough to pick up approximately 2 words an hour spoken, and to make out signs and menus in, say, Costa Rica and Puerto Rico…but I was hopeless speaking or making out speech in both places. The locals tolerated me as if I were mildly “mentally challenged” which probably ain’t far from he truth.

Fun fact – speaking spanish is the ONLY time when I have an appreciable Southern accent. It’s mortifying.

Doktor Zymm

I’m great at my numbers, which is really useful. I can also do basic questions, and lots of foods. Beyond that, it’s bus Spanish (toque aqui por abrir puertas) and stuff from songs (yo no tengo dinero). It adds up. I took Latin in high school, and oddly enough, Spanish is the romance language that is closest to Latin in written form (imo) so that helps with reading. I can read most languages better than writing, and my language acquisition is severely impaired in places with a non-Latin based alphabet.

King Hippo

I did one year of Latin in my Grade 10 (using Trailer Park Boys vernacular) per my Dad’s insistence, as he was still under the farcical illusion I could go to medical school. I learned to sleep with my eyes open in that class, teacher was a semi-functioning alcoholic.

But yeah, definitely foundational in terms of romance languages in just being able to logically work shit out, especially reading it.

Doktor Zymm

Classics majors are an interesting and highly entertaining breed. There are bound to be some alcoholism casualties. Now you’re making me miss my heady college days of math, physics, classics, and loads of booze. It’s been YEARS since I told anyone what Nietzsche would have though about quantum computing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait…were YOU the enigmatic Steelers Fan in Peru?

Hmm. No, that doesn’t make sense.

Doktor Zymm

Nah, my attempts to watch American Football in other countries have mostly met with failure. And they have totally different offensive words for native people in S. America, so I could totally wear [*Redacted] s stuff without backlash.

JustStopDude

Jesus Christ can we get some eye drops for the Jamaicans?!?!

King Hippo

tWBS made a solid point…EVERYBODY pull heads out of anuses and finish them Euros previews! We must be pretend semi-informed in our drunken mockery of Ukraine, etc.

Senor Weaselo

Finish? Don’t you mean start?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I know that’s what I meant.
Shit, might as well get drunk I guess. I’m actually less reliable when sober.
Wow, that explains a lot.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

Next goal wins.

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Covalent Blonde

Quick legal question: how valid is the argument, “I just need to get home so I can catch the end of the second period!” a defense for felony speeding?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Rock solid.

Floor it.

Gratliff

I believe you should let the taser answer that question

Doktor Zymm

If the game is on the radio that weakens your argument, otherwise, ask for a police escort.

Covalent Blonde

Palm Springs isn’t famous for their love of hockey

King Hippo

I would go with “have to take a big shit due to my period” but that’s just me. Always go with what’s least likely to lead to follow-up queries.

Doktor Zymm

Alternate answer, just say you’re drunk and promiscuous and you won’t get more than 3 months.

JustStopDude

I swear to god I cannot stand FS1 coverage of anything. Alexi Lalas just makes me want to punch a child.

ballsofsteelandfury

You can also watch on Univision. They focus a lot more on hot chicks in the crowd.

King Hippo

yeah I always watch Univision when it’s on FS2 (not in HD for me), and/or if I’m drunk.

Sill Bimmons

Always Univision.

JustStopDude

Fucking Cox updated my box (they expected me to actually pay for it…but surprise surprise, when I told them not to bother, they gave it to me for free).

I’m suppose to get more HD channels…which I do…the home shopping networks are all insanely crisp and clear…but they fucking took away all my Spanish channels.

Bastardos estúpidos!

...

Make sense since FS1 is trying to be louder, meatballier ESPN.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I assume the child looks like Alexi Lalas?

King Hippo

well, my Everton forum just did their draw for the European Euros pool and I got…Sweden. At least I will have fit birds in the stands cheering my hapless lads on, but that’s 20 pounds sterling I coulda just wiped my arse with.

It’s funny when you send money to a Brit via PayPal, the currency is listed as “GBP” and I feel like I’m buying an escort for Aaron Rodgers.

ballsofsteelandfury

Zlatan mocks your lack of faith while banging a fit bird.

...

Well I’ll be rooting for Sweden since I’ll be in Sweden and I’ll be in the presence of said fit birds.

King Hippo

SO JELLY. Find out how low their standards are while you’re there, ok? Asking FOAR A FRIEND.

...

I’m actually taking a small notebook with me in which I will keep track of how often people assume I’m Swedish. I’m a quarter Swede ethnically and have the tallness to make me look like more than that.

I expect to crash and burn with the local ladies, but if I don’t, I’ll report back.

King Hippo

you’re Anders Holmvik??

theeWeeBabySeamus

That was fucking funny.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s right! I’m eagerly awaiting a post on that trip!

Unsurprised

They’re called gigolos.

King Hippo

Is there no classy term for dudes, like “courtesan” FOAR teh ladies?

/courtesan may be my favourite word

theeWeeBabySeamus

When they’re dead, they’re still just hookers tho….right?
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Sill Bimmons

Finally, a possible way forward to a solution to the global climate crisis:

http://gizmodo.com/this-might-get-the-world-to-finally-pay-attention-to-cl-1781662009

Now that warships are breaking down due to high water temperatures we might finally see some action.

Unsurprised

The Pentagon has been warning people for years, but the flag fuckers still don’t care.

...

Liked for the term “flag fuckers.”

Unsurprised

And as it happens, there tends to be an almost perfect circle overlap with gun fuckers.

herodotus450

So… we need to nuke the polar ice caps so they melt into the ocean and cool it down, thereby saving our precious fleet?

Sill Bimmons

FINALLY SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS

Doktor Zymm

Nah, we should nuke the next comet that approaches Earth to redirect it’s course into an ocean impact. That’s WAY more ice.

Unsurprised

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Sill Bimmons

That’s how the water got here in the first place according to creationists.

Nevermind the fact that the impact of their 1,000-mile wide comet would have had the explosive power of about a trillion hydrogen bombs and would turned the earth into a blazing fireball.

Doktor Zymm

Really? I guess I kinda assumed the oceans were supposed to be God’s pee, which was translated as “tears” in later, more prudish versions of the bible.

Sill Bimmons

It’s their godsplanation for how the water from the Great Flood got here.

Doktor Zymm

Huh. It’s amazing that they felt the need to come up with an explanation for that and then came up with that as their explanation.

Sill Bimmons

I always marvel at their persistence in trying to science the gob.

I would have just said “He made it happen [POOF]. End of story.”

But deep down they know that they have no case with that line of thinking anymore, so gob and science now have to at least get along, if not agree completely.

Doktor Zymm

My solution is to not have kids, sit back, and watch the events leading to a mass extinction unfold. It looks like the octopus has a great shot at being the next dominant species, Go Team Octopoda!

Senor Weaselo

“A recent study noted that the Persian Gulf region will not be fit for human habitation by the end of the century because of regular, relentless heatwaves.”

Peace in the Middle East, solved!

Unsurprised

It’s barely fit for habitation now. Thank goodness for the Bin Laden Group air conditioning Saudi Arabia.

ballsofsteelandfury

The only team now standing in the way of México winning this thing is Argentina.

Unsurprised
Doktor Zymm

The weather is crap, so beach yoga will probably be cancelled tomorrow, so I should drink this bottle of Cava with my fresh strawberries and goat cheese. Life, solved.

King Hippo

LIFEHACK!!!!!

Unsurprised

VIVA ESPAÑA

theeWeeBabySeamus

Chug!!!!!!!!

herodotus450

I think I want the sharks to win just because of Pavelski’s white stick. The geezer stick.

JustStopDude

http://i.imgur.com/DziFAUd.gif

Fuck it…Go Jamaica…just destroy my betting line…

JustStopDude

I had Uruguay in the office pool…

http://i.imgur.com/8uAjh.gif

Unsurprised

You know, there are gifs hosted in site other than imgur.

JustStopDude

I swear to god, they are showing up on my computer.

I don’t get how you folks are screwing this up.

Do you even gif bro?

Horatio Cornblower

Look out Sill, she’s a robot!

Sill Bimmons

i guess that makes me a robosexual.

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King Hippo

Dude, whatevs happened to your Paraguay preview? It could have been mostly pictures…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit. That reminds me. Ukraine kicks off in three days. I probably ought to write that soon, huh?

theeWeeBabySeamus

First myth busted. Not more organized when sober.

Unsurprised

Woooo! Fleet Week! And they arrive during Thursday rush hour, fucking up crossing ALL THE BRIDGES.

HAHAHAHAHA