Your “Keeping It Between The Ditches” Wednesday Open Thread

Just 19 days until training camps. 19…


NFL News:

  • A good weekend turned bad for Denard Robinson when he was discovered by police at 4:00 AM sleeping in his car, which was sinking into a pond. According to Deadspin, he thought the cops questioning him were vpart of a dream and refused to exit the vehicle.
    • It turned good again, as ESPN says he won’t be charged with a DUI because he wasn’t impaired.
  • A funnier story is Bucs WR Louis Murphy getting drunk & locked inside the museum where Bears WR Deonte Thompson got married.
  • A sadder story is that Brandon Browner is being investigated for taking a swipe at his girlfriend’s father.
  • Unrelated to the Peyton Manning accusations, the University of Tennessee settled a separate sexual assault lawsuit for $2.5 million plus paying attorney fees for the plaintiffs.
  • I can’t believe no team wants to take a chance on Andre Johnson. It’s not like if he gets three tryouts, T.O. appears in your dressing room.
  • The discovery phase of a case brought by former players accusing the NFL of pushing painkillers while denying aftereffects has been allowed to enter the discovery phase thanks to a federal judge. The difference between this case and a 2014 attempt is that this time they named coaches as well, and accused them of following directives from their superiors. It could lead to another messy media battle the closer they get to trial.

Finally, congrats to Russell Wilson who, despite the clear danger concerning dipping your wick into wax Future polluted, can finally do so with a clear conscience, as he & Ciara apparently got married today.


Unrelated to Russell’s new status and DangeRuss positions, congrats to The Philippines Air Force, celebrating 69 years as an organization, and it’s first couple of days as one of the best gifs ever.

Other non-football news:

  • Oscar Pistorius – sentenced to 6 years in prison for murder.
  • Lionel Messi – sentenced to 21-months (suspended) for tax evasion

That was a hell of a goal by Ronaldo this afternoon. (No sound; sorry)

https://youtu.be/dZaDalj6-2s

Probably the perfect header. It’s gonna be fun when Germany or France rips out his heart one more time.

Tonight’s sports:

  • Live:
    • MLB: Rangers @ Red Sox – ESPN – 7:00
  • Replay:
    • Tour de France – NBCSN – 8:00
    • Euro semi – Wales vs Portugal – ESPN2 – 7:00
  • Arbitrary rankings: NFL Top 100 – The Top 10
    • 8:00 – 10-6
    • 9:00 – 5-1

Sports?

  • Battlefrog Obstacle Races – ESPN2 – 9:00-11:00
  • American Ninja Warrior – ESQ – 8:00-10:00
  • The Ultimate Fighter: Team Joanna vs Team Claudia – FS1 – 9:00

GOD, I MISS HOCKEY!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I couldn’t help but notice this is the first time the “Gettin’ laid” tag is being used, so…congratulations?

Unsurprised

Here’s a photo of Alexis Ren’s ass.
http://www.gceleb.com/photo/2015/05/Alexis-Ren-lingerie-006.jpg

Gratliff

I’m not sure if I’m more disgusted with American politics or Overwatch competitive right now. There has to be a medium where people don’t default to stupid.

Unsurprised

Not on this planet

Brick Meathook

I subscribe to both The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times, even though I live in Southern California.

If I want to read about politics, from either side of the spectrum, I can always go to either of those.

This site is about dick jokes, funny gifs, new grandchildren (congratulations yeah right) and dick jokes. And beautiful women, no matter what era.

Here’s Elizabeth Taylor:

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Brick Meathook

BRING ON THE FUNNY

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How do you make five pounds of fat fun?

Add a nipple.

Brick Meathook

Yer right

Unsurprised

The Journal and Times encompass the spectrum of rich and richer. Each caters to differing groups of benignly evil and condescending white people of wealth, but it’s still a very narrow constituency.

Brick Meathook

I also read Deadspin and The Weekly World News.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Doktor Zymm

Okay, I’m now way past my bedtime because politics is fun. Good night. And don’t worry, pretty much anyone with anything like technical skills can get a job in Ireland if they want. And I’ll stay here and enjoy the increased salary resulting from the suddenly depleted talent pool. Sleep time. I will giggle about the Brexit and have sweet dreams.

Unsurprised

Oh, shit. I’m a lawyer!

Unsurprised

Trump is the GOP reaping what it’s sewn for half a century, so fuck the Republicans sideways.

That said, the Republican party could so easily be taken over by people of color and other minorities if they really wanted to do it. Because frankly, the socialism of the Left and embraced to varying degrees by Sanders Democrats and the like is premised on the dirty secret that socialism is inherently racist because it caters to the whims of the masses. This is why every socialist regime idealized and lauded by the left is in the most homogenous nation-states in the world. Socialism doesn’t benefit minority groups. Market capitalism at least gives them a shot, and has enabled isolated groups the opportunity to invest in themselves and their communities. It’s interference, either directly or implicitly supported by the state (or rather, the corruption of the state by monied and other influential interests of the majority), that has tended to lead to such things as the literal airborne bombing and terrorization of Black Wall Street and so forth. The Cherokee Nation was decades ahead of the federal government in Georgia and Oklahoma until the government decided to intervene “for their benefit” and rawdogged the fuck out of them. I come from a state that has so much government intervention and ownership it should be hilarious—and statistical analyses have correlated federal spending/investment with the degeneration of every measurable standard of living. You rely on Uncle Sugar and you become dependent upon Uncle Sugar. I’ve bitched about how my brother is becoming a reactionary conservative, but there are perfectly good reasons to despise the welfare state and its debilitating long-term effect on individuals.

But it’s never going to happen, and the people in power in the Democratic Party are going to keep shining on our communities because they are the few that benefit while the rest of our communities stagnate and wither. Government is not the answer; but it can be useful in keeping other people the fuck out of our way and shutting down redlining and predatory lending and not continuing to actively destroy communities through its wars on drugs, terror, poverty, whatever. Libertarians are selfish, childish fools; but the ideal that market economics produced a better long-term community than any and every other authoritarian regime — be it malicious white supremacy or the condescending and patronizing nanny state — is still preferable.

Doktor Zymm

We don’t have the best government system, but we have the best so far, at least in terms of stability and lack of deaths. I’m in favor of turning the whole shebang over to an AI as soon as feasibly possible.

Unsurprised

I wish I could agree with you.

Brick Meathook

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Doktor Zymm

Okay, I’m going to bed. But just a moment here.

HOT TAEK!!
Trump, while a total shitbag, would basically be a sleazier Reagan. He doesn’t give two shits about immigrants or social policy. He will do what is good for rich people. Will it be obnoxious? Yes. Will it be vile? Yes? Will he provoke a war by accident? Maybe. But that’s the worst case scenario, especially if Congress is dem or close enough to be deadlocked. He would be far worse for the culture and attitude of this country than the laws of this country. He’s a con man. Why does anyone, agree or disagree, believe a damn word he says? Both sides are falling for the same trick. Crude != Sincere. (Or in SQL <>)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Except even shittier than Reagan on personnel and an actual knowledge base, PLUS the motivation for personal profiteering over ANYTHING else. The guy is a fucking disgrace to our country.

Doktor Zymm

Oh, absolutely, but he’s not driven by, or intends to implement, 95% of anything he says. People hate/love him for the wrong reasons.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Which is somewhat scarier to me. People are voting for a guy with no policy positions, no scruples, and no sense of what he’d be willing to sell once in office. I have literally no idea what he would be for or against if (heaven forbid) he got elected. I agree he doesn’t believe most of what he spouts off; he’s a demagogue, and I don’t trust anyone willing to tap into the darker parts of our country’s id for his own advantage.

Doktor Zymm

The position of president has gotten more powerful over the years, but it’s still not all that much, especially if you don’t have the real support of a party behind you. President it more hearts and minds. You can introduce legislation and try to effect what Congress does, but for the most part you’re dependent on the goodwill of people in the legislative branch. Trump doesn’t have that. You can only be so charismatic with zero result before the populace turns on you. Obama was arguably more charismatic without a platform, and he passed health care reform, and still had his base turn on him. Trump would be an epic collapse. If you think Congress is obstructive now…

Unsurprised

I think you’re underestimating the sheer number of people he can appoint even without Senate confirmation that can shape federal policy over every facet of life in and outside of the United States.

That’s the biggest problem is that without any sense of where he stands, I have no idea who he would entrust to do that. Additionally, if anyone were to challenge the tradition of Senate confirmation, it would be Trump upon not having an appointee confirmed. There are many ways you can interpret “advise and consent” and one of them is the implicit consent that inaction creates—which Congress has absolutely mastered—and could effectively remove the legislative branch entirely from the equation. That would be awesome and terrifying.

Unsurprised

The people who call him a fascist and compare him to Hitler piss me off so much.

Hillary Clinton is the fascist of the two candidates.

WCS
BrettFavresColonoscopy

So you’re saying this is all Bill Murray’s fault? If they would have captured Trump in one of those traps, we wouldn’t be dealing with him as a candidate in the first place!

Spanky Datass

Never cross the streams …

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m hibernating until the election is over.

WCS

‘sup, fucknuggets?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

You guys, I just watched some of Trump’s speech in Ohio. Would you be more disoriented to wake up in the aftermath of a zombie outbreak, Rick Grimes-style, or wake up from being in a coma since 2011 to Trump? No way 2011 DTZM believes Trump is happening.

JustStopDude

I got a buddy that is a communications director for House GOP member.

Ever since this primary has started, apparently there has been a LOT of drinking on the hill. The GOP is a fucking mess among the rank and file folks.

None of the rules with Trump work. I mean its sort of like Sarah Palin all over again, but its like a million times worse. The bigger the gaff, the better the results.

...

I’d imagine the brain trust knows it’s fucked for this election cycle and just needs to pass this giant kidney stone and endure the agony until November.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

It just seems like a punt, right? I keep waiting for the Brewster’s Millions moment.

...

What else can they do? A revolt against Trump alienates far too many voters for them to have a prayer in the presidential election let alone the down ticket Senate races they need to win. They just have to sit back and hope Hillary makes some unprecedented fuck-up that sends the Democrats into a similar mess of no real leadership.

Unsurprised

I cannot emphasize enough how funny this is to me. The schadenfreude is delicious.

Doktor Zymm

2011 Zymm would have believed that there was enough dumb in the US for Trump, but the Marion Barry post-crack re-election campaign probably fucked me up during my formative political years.

...

I’d believe someone this ridiculous could run for president and that people could like him, but I’d be in disbelief that a major party could allow the nomination of someone that ridiculous.

Had they limited the number of people running to five or six people, one could have garnered enough support to edge Trump out. Instead, the clown car just kept spitting out more weak candidates ensuring that one with the most name recognition had a disproportionately good chance to win.

Doktor Zymm

Good night assholes and other types of holes. Top tip of the evening : If you see “crotch adjacent” or “organic surprise bidet” in a real estate listing, that’s a bad thing.

Spanky Datass

Let’s just add “Organic Surprise Bidet” too the best fantasy football name list right now.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/92671af1680433c0cb5c0fe5e1bfa699/tumblr_o7rpo8bxCP1ssqxwho2_500.jpg

JustStopDude
...

I think this is the strategy to beat him: Constantly distract him with claims that he’s racist or sexist or anti-semetic or not that rich and let him spend days trying to heal the bruises to his ego instead of organizing a meaningful ground game or attack ad strategy or targeted communication to potential voters.

...

So, anyone else really excited to see if Gretchen Carlson can destroy Roger Ailes?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am rooting for a huge multiperson settlement.

Unsurprised

I’m #teamearthkillingasteroid

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Joan Staley, PMOM – November 1958, and Don Knotts in the movie “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken” (1966).

http://66.media.tumblr.com/63344d5e41774c6b9a6c9eb3d0d93005/tumblr_o9pmfsxKNr1rydpjxo1_500.jpg

It took Don months to recover, but it was worth it.

Doktor Zymm

I’ve been thinking about that song, “It’s Raining Men” or whatever it’s actually called. Does that mean that there was a cloud of man vapor that encountered tiny particulate matter, allowing the man vapor to condense and form man-drops? Does this mean that all men can be categorized based on the 10 types of clouds? Even if that is totally untrue, should I write a popular psychology book using that as a premise?

No?

YOU ARE SO CIRROCUMULUS!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Circumciseumullus

Doktor Zymm

Cirrus

...

/furiously searches internet for cloud puns

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m not cirrus.

Doktor Zymm

That’s totally something a cirrus would say.

http://images.freeimages.com/pic/m/h/he/helenej/689381_cirrus_clouds.jpg

SEE?!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Not sure if cirrus.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

/Reads derivation of cirrus…

//shaves to make comment valid

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Different kind of clouds than prepuceumullus…

...

I mean, if some chick can do one based on shoes, why not?

Doktor Zymm

Nimbostratus

...

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So, I’m a dark cloud that potentially rains on you and ruins your day?

/shrugs

Probably.

Unsurprised

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Doktor Zymm

Apricot? Pfft. Once you go plum, you never are glum.

Unsurprised

Fuck it, dude. We live in a fascist police state.

...

Mostly the non-white people.

Doktor Zymm

Adjective or verb?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ray Lewis?

...

You guys! I have a new terrible habit: trolling Cardinals fans on Twitter.

JustStopDude

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blaxabbath

#BFIB or me?

...

BFiB. More specifically, the ones who treat Yadier Molina as if he were Jesus Baseball Playing Christ instead of a very good defensive catcher with a shitty bat about to fall off a cliff in terms of production.

...

And he’s not a Hall of Famer unless you think players who have been built up via myth are worth of being in the Hall of Fame.

Unsurprised

Accurate

Spanky Datass

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...

“Yadi’s greatness isn’t captured by you’re stupid numbers just like my greatness isn’t contained by your stupid pants!”

Doktor Zymm

New?

...

Surprisingly, yes.

Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

This seems oddly familiar.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry if you posted it; I don’t remember it.

Not sorry if you are just hearing “boing, boing, boing” in your head because that is what I did.

...

It reminds of me of masturbating in high school.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The gif lasts a lot longer.

Unsurprised

This. I was making a masturbation reference.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well I didn’t get that, but the second option is much closer.

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They shared a shack; I KNOW THERE WAS THINGS GOING ON IN THERE!

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8507/8406440719_bb9afcecc8_b.jpg

Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Spanky Datass

Mary Ann found the cucumbers grown from those irradiated seeds quite satisfying.

Brick Meathook

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Wakezilla

Dwayne Wade signed with the Chicago Bulls. Interesting.

...

The Bulls are Chicago’s new dumpster fire of a team.

Brick Meathook

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...

And this:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spanky Datass

That’s my jam, mate.

Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

To pretty much anything.

Doktor Zymm

He bought a table cloth? Looks nice!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Desk, chair, bulletin board, paint, and pipe.

Doktor Zymm

On closer inspection, it’s probably just the removal of the devil Pants.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My home computer looks different from my work computer.

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna finish rereading everything Christopher Moore before I go all steampunk and switch to Cherie Priest. I wonder if I should try to find a transition between the two….why isn’t there more darkly humorous steampunk?

Unsurprised

I read three of her books and listened to the audiobook novella she wrote. They are plenty enjoyable, but that was that. I’ve never read Moore, so I don’t know about transitions though.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

You need Lamb. And Fool

blaxabbath

Dirty Job (I think)

Unsurprised

In brighter news, I got a pair of boing gloves and beat the shit out of a heavy bag for 45-60 minutes today.

Doktor Zymm

I should start taking martial arts again, though it turns out that distracting someone with a llama hand puppet and then punching the shit out of them is not a recognized move in any martial arts system.

Unsurprised

Not even Krav Maga? I call bullshit?

Gratliff

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, I heard Horatio’s wife liked it rough, but I didn’t realize she liked it THAT rough.

Unsurprised

This is so dark Baton Rouge PD murdered it in cold blood.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Boing gloves are hard to use.

Unsurprised

But they’re endorsed by Cory Doctorow

Unsurprised

I gave advice to someone on Facebook who asked about whether she should be even more straightforward with some guy who kinda sorta asked her out and clearly likes her.

This is the height of hilarity.

...

That reminds me of my youth when I was so socially inept I was arguably not even human.

Unsurprised

I’m almost 37 and still am.

...

Ha. Your story does remind me of a guy I knew way back when I worked in TV News. He was at some concert with a girl and another coworker/friend of mine. She point blank asked when this guy was going to ask her out. She my coworker/friend passed along the information that all he had to do was ask and he’d have it and he simply didn’t believe it.

Unsurprised

I wouldn’t know. To be fair, I have very little face to fact contact with any people for several reasons and excuses. So at least I know there’s no one out there wondering why I’m not asking her out. There may have been one in college, but so the fuck what.

...

I guess the only point I had with the story I told and my personal story is how much I’ve come to realize one’s personal beliefs about self are *huge* in dictating the direction of one’s life and social interaction.

The pro is you can change a lot of things by working on yourself.

The con is you have to work on yourself which is fucking *terrifying* to do.

Unsurprised

True.

It would also help for me to get the Hell out of the house.

Wakezilla

Makes you wonder who hurt that poor guy.

Doktor Zymm

Am I the only person following Wimbledon?

In other news, even though I’ve known it for years, I never cease being surprised at what total sluts men are. I’m gonna be getting laid till I’m 90.

JustStopDude

I’ve been too sucked into the Lowes International Paint Drying Tournament….

Doktor Zymm

I couldn’t watch tennis until I started playing. Now I’m one of those annoying people who goes “Ooooh, damn good point!”

Wakezilla

It’s on way too early here, so, I watch the highlights. I actually feel bad for Milos Raonic because everyone is going to be cheering for Roger Federer to have one last hurray.

An all Williams finals is intriguing. On that note, what the hell happened to Venus? How has she not been to a finals in like 5 years?

JustStopDude

https://zippy.gfycat.com/DefiantLegitimateIrishwaterspaniel.webm

We need this on American TV…specifically with viewer voted contestants.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

https://twitter.com/nflnetwork/status/750857569627836416
AP in the top 5? That’s a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge stretch!

JustStopDude

Jesus Christ you gave me a heart attack…for a second I misread what you posted and I thought you said AP had a “huuuuuuuuuuuuuge switch”

http://cdn.inquisitr.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/adrian-peterson-hit-boy-testicles-665×385.jpg

The Maestro

My mother sent me this the other day, and I have to admit, considering I haven’t watched Sesame Street in 20 years, it was still pretty charming all the same.

JustStopDude

I’m not going to lie…working for Sesame Street would be the coolest fucking job in the world. The fucking show raised me.

I would love to be able to take my nieces behind the scenes and shit like that.

The Maestro

Counterpoint: children learning that Sesame Street characters are mere puppets might unintentionally FUCK. THEIR SHIT. UP.

Personally, I don’t want to have to gamble with being the person responsible for accidentally destroying their childhood…

But yeah, if I knew it was no risk, it would absolutely be dope as hell.

JustStopDude

Through pure luck, I was able to take my nieces behind the scenes of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.

Fucking cool as shit…got to meet a bunch of them Astronauts…

The Maestro

God damn, I’m jealous. The Air & Space Museum has been on my list of places to visit since I was a little kid. ONE of these years I’ll finally make it to DC!

Unsurprised

Hello

Spanky Datass

suh duu

JustStopDude

So I had to see the shrink today…did not go well…

Turns out I am very bad at faking sanity…

JustStopDude

Soooooooo many Hil-dog hot taeks on the old facebook…

I actually managed to get an ex-navy buddy of mine so riled up he went full antisemitic on my ass…OY VEY!!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Did he throw this at you?

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...

I mean, the points on that star do look pretty sharp.

Wakezilla

How taelks how?

She does deserve to be ridiculed for her recklessness and the optics do look bad.

JustStopDude

Rather than discussing the complex issue of “Spillage” and modern era technology…it seems to continually break down into she is an ugly, lying whore who is controlled by the Jews, NWO, BLM or whatever the fuck.

Wakezilla

Holy shit!

OK, that’s bad.

JustStopDude

My biggest issue with Clinton, and its basically the same issue I had with her utterly tone deaf speech she gave at Nancy Reagan’s funeral, describing her as a fighter against the AIDS epidemic…its a team of people doing this stupid shit.

Clinton didn’t set up the server. A team of people did. Everything gets approved by a group of people, from what she eats, to where she goes and what she wears.

A room full of morons did not think that this would be an issue down the road. Her campaign people are fucking terrible. She should be walking away with this…and instead, a parody twitter account that became self aware is still hanging in there.

Unsurprised

Ah, hell. Sorry for the triple post.

Her problem is that this all comes from the defensiveness she’s understandably developed from being under the most relentless and disgusting assault on any American for a quarter century because people fucking suck.

Eh, whatever. I don’t care anymore.

...

She pretty much leads every single swing state and national poll, so she kinda is.

Spanky Datass

When the dog gets gassy after eating an entire pot of cat-nip…
http://66.media.tumblr.com/4a943d6328957cf7a87358c97293f73a/tumblr_o9rpk0fdfT1uluepno1_500.gif

ballsofsteelandfury

“Fuck you, sea pigs! ”

– Dave Attell

Shogun Marcus

Related paraphrase:
“De-NARD! Why were you late? I’m trying to run a team here!” “Why was I late? LOOK AT THESE LITTLE LEGS! There was a puddle I had to swim it fucker!”
-Attell