Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 38)

The scene: A dorm at Miskatonic University, many years ago. A young Percival Po, in a white suit and black, open-collar shirt, a bouquet of flowers in his hand, timidly knocks on a dorm room door.

Zymm’s Roommate (opening the door): Yeah? Whaddaya want?

Young Po (nervous): I’m, ah…supposed to pick up Zymm? For the dance?

Zymm’s Roommate (annoyed): She ain’t here!

Young Po: But…but…

Zymm’s Roommate: Beat it, creep, before I call the R.A.

The door shuts. Po stands there for a moment, petals dropping off the flowers like tears. Sad tears. The sad tears of a dying clown. It’s just…it’s really, really sad, you guys. Po puts the flowers down by the door and starts to shuffle away.

Zymm’s Roommate (on the phone): Yeah, he’s still here…hey, he’s leavin’ dead things by the door!

Zymm’s Roommate picks up the bouquet and throws it at the swiftly-retreating Po.

Zymm’s Roommate: Gidoudda here, ya creepo!

Cut to: The present day. Professor Po and Doktor Zymm are in Po’s lab. They are both on the couch, sweaty and exhausted, and somewhat disheveled.

Professor Po: Well! That was…

Doktor Zymm: Cathartic?

Professor Po: I’ll say! Wow, I’ve been wanting to do that ever since I met you.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, now zat ve have zat out of ze way…

Professor Po (disappointed): I was kind of hoping we could do it again.

Doktor Zymm: Again? Really, Percival…

Professor Po: It just went by so quickly!

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Vell, maybe. But first, I vant to know vat you are doing here.

Professor Po: You mean in a secret base next to a volcano on a hidden island in the middle of the Pacific, guarded by deadly ninja assassins?

Doktor Zymm: Ja.

Professor Po (innocently): Why, nothing, really! Just, y’know, science-y stuff. Bird watching. A little botany. Some light reading.

Doktor Zymm: Perzy…

Professor Po: Oh, I never could lie to you Zymm! Actually, I’m working on a plan that will bring the world to its knees. A plan so brilliant, so diabolical, that the nations of the earth will have no choice but to bow to my demands! Bwahahaha!!!

Doktor Zymm: Perzy, really now.

Professor Po (abashed): Sorry. I get a bit carried away sometimes.

Doktor Zymm: Zo, zis plan of yours…?

Professor Po: Right! Well, I’m going to…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Suddenly the door to the laboratory swings wide, as Moosemas Gorilla comes roaring in, ninjas hanging off of him. Horatio Cornblower is hanging on to the ape’s shoulder with one teeny-tiny hand, while with the other he smacks a ninja in the head. Following close behind are Covalent Blonde and King Hippo, themselves battling ninjas, while Yeah Right brings up the rear. I mean, he’s not afraid to get in the mix or anything, but someone has to watch their six, right? Plus he saw the box of Diggler’s Donuts On Steve the Ninja’s desk, and it has been awhile since he ate, so…

Moosemas Gorilla (throwing a ninja up into the air): Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: That’s the way, pal! No way we’re gonna let some two-bit ninjas keep us from rescuing Zymm!

Covalent Blonde (dispatching a ninja with an axe kick): The one I want is…

Covalent Blonde’s eyes narrow as she spots Professor Po, who is currently trying to hide behind Doktor Zymm.

Covalent Blonde (grinning and pointing at Po): You.

Professor Po turns pale and tries to duck down lower.

Professor Po (to Zymm): Is she pointing at you or me?

Doktor Zymm: Zat would be you. Kovalente Blondine takes it personally ven zomeone tries to kill her mit ze big laser.

Professor Po (gulping audibly): I was just bargaining from a position of strength!

Covalent Blonde (cracking her knuckles and advancing menacingly): Now you’re gonna get pounded from a position of weakness.

Moosemas Gorilla (looking bewildered as he bounces a ninja like a basketball): Ook? Ook-ook.

Horatio Cornblower: Phrasing indeed, pal.

Backing away from Covalent Blonde, Professor Po pulls a remote control out of his pocket.

Professor Po: All right, that’s far enough! One more step and I will flood this room with deadly gas!

Covalent Blonde (taking a step): Oh, really?

Professor Po (sweating visibly): I’m not kidding!

Covalent Blonde (reaching out and taking the remote): Yeah, you are. You’re not going to kill us with the stereo remote.

Covalent Blonde clicks the button on the remote.

Cue music:

Professor Po: How…how did you know?

Covalent Blonde: Besides you being a terrible liar? Well, we just so happened to catch your act earlier.

Doktor Zymm (shocked): You…you saw zat?

King Hippo (walking up carrying several unconscious ninjas over his shoulders): Yeah, dere’s all sorts o’ monitors in here. We got a real good view.

Horatio Cornblower (approaching with Moosemas Gorilla): We saw the whole thing. I have to say, we were all kind of surprised.

Moosemas Gorilla (agreeing): Ook!

Covalent Blonde: Disco dancing, Zymm? Really?

Doktor Zymm (shrugging): Eh, Perzy und I a date back in college zat I had to cancel at ze last minute. It vas a dizco-themed dance. I felt kind of bad about it.

Covalent Blonde: I don’t think I’ve ever felt bad enough to do the Hustle. And I made a professional boxer cry in front of his whole family one time.

Professor Po (sniveling): So…what happens now?

Doktor Zymm: Now? Vell, first you can tell us vat zis diabolical scheme of yours is.

Covalent Blonde: I was thinking of hitting first…

Suddenly Yeah Right enters the laboratory, held at sword-point by Steve the Ninja.

Yeah Right: Uh, guys…?

Covalent Blonde: Dude, seriously?

Horatio Cornblower: You were supposed to be guarding our backs.

Yeah Right (plaintively): He’s a ninja. He snuck up on me.

Steve the Ninja (guffawing): Ha! You were so busy eating Diggler’s Donuts…my Diggler’s Donuts, mind you…that you never heard me coming.

King Hippo (noticing the crumbs on Yeah Right’s shirt): There’s donuts?

Steve the Ninja: Not any more.

Before anyone can move, Professor Po makes a beeline for a hidden door in the wall.

Professor Po (going through the door): Great job, Steve! I’ll remember this come bonus time!

Covalent Blonde (racing to the hidden door just as it shuts): Son of a bi-

Doktor Zymm: Ach, zat is my fault. I should have known he had a hidden door. Zat ist Mad Science 101.

Horatio Cornblower (turning back to Steve the Ninja): Look, buddy, I think you’d better drop the sword.

Steve the Ninja: Fat chance! You guys stay where you are or I’ll run your friend through.

Covalent Blonde (shrugging as she walks toward Steve): I can always make new friends.

Steve the Ninja hesitates for a moment, then turns and runs away.

Yeah Right (relieved): Wow, how did you know he was bluffing, CB?

Covalent Blonde: Oh, I had no idea if he was or not.

Yeah Right (as this sinks in): Hey! Uncool!

Doktor Zymm shrugs as she examines the wall with the hidden door.

Doktor Zymm: I have to admit, zis ist professional vork. Ve vill not be following him zis way.

Horatio Cornblower: Say, Zymm, just out of curiosity, how come you bailed on your date with Po back in college?

Doktor Zymm: Hmm? Ach, vell I had an internship come up zuddenly mit a very important agency. Ze Directorate on Interdimsional Creature Knowledge.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: D.I.C.K.? You dropped poor Po for D.I.C.K.?

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): Ach, vy do I tell you zese things?

Horatio Cornblower: So is it a large organization, or kind of small? What I’m asking is, was it a big D.I.C.K. or…

Doktor Zymm (starting to walk off): Ja, ja, have your jokes. Have fun being a half-foot tall forever…

Suddenly the whole base rumbles ominously. Doktor Zymm stops in her tracks. Horatio stops teasing her. Covalent Blonde stops stapling ninjas to the floor by their shirt sleeves. King Hippo stops picking Diggler’s Donuts Crumbs off of Yeah Right.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook?

Horatio Cornblower: I don’t know what that was…

The base rumbles again, this time even harder.

Doktor Zymm: Vatever it is, it cannot be good…

Horatio Cornblower: When you’re right, you’re right. Do you think we need D.I.C.K.?

Doktor Zymm: Ztop it

Horatio Cornblower: I’m just asking. It seems like D.I.C.K. might come in handy right now.

Doktor Zymm: I am never telling you anything again…

To be continued…