Hey there kids, it’s your Absent Stepfather, Darkest Timeline Zach Morris. I was looking back fondly at the earlier days of this wonder site of dreams and wishes, and saw that the All-Star Game last season was our very first live blog here. It really got me thinking about what we’re doing here, and why.
When this site was created, I never actually intended it to be a replacement for KSK. It was a place where people who didn’t want to put up with the Nat Turners of the world could go to write our own posts and keep out the riff-raff. It functioned that way at first, as a kind of on-the-side project.
When KSK kerploded after the season, we had a couple of options. We could let all of you disenfranchised weirdos go off and make dick jokes and post boob gifs on other sites, or we could expand the site here to allow everyone a fun place to hang out.
And so, Football To The Groin was born. (Wait, we called it WHAT?) We definitely experienced some growing pains, and have had our share of issues, like any startup. We’ve also done all of this without asking you guys for money, or using ads to pay for server space or site upgrades. I think it’s important to keep this site as an independent beast, and somewhere that you are proud to go.
All of this is due to the friendships that I developed at KSK, and I would never disparage the authors and creators at KSK by saying that we’re better. We’re DIFFERENT. This isn’t a job for any of us. It’s a passion project that we keep afloat because we want it to succeed.
So here’s to another year of dick jokery. Thank you guys and gals for sticking with us. We’re going to upgrade the look of the site soon and we’ll keep trying to improve the place as we go to help make this the friendliest, most accepting football dick joke blog on the interwebz. Tell your friends, bring your neighbors, and let’s make this year the year Door Flies Open blows up!
(Then, maybe I can sell the joint.)
Let’s flip this:
http://cdn.niketalk.com/b/bd/bd67a3a8_image.gif
So that something good I was going to drink: Cerveceria Calavera Morning Star Breakfast IPA. I think the thing that makes it “breakfast” is that there’s oatmeal in it, which, okay, sure. Really well-rounded, definitely more sweetness than your average IPA, hops are more fruity than bitter.
Ryan is really pushing that pamphlet that say the Republican Core Values. He’s trying to ensure that at least one will survive so the New Republican Party can rebuild themselves in 2028 after Trump and Cruz has destroyed the Current Republican Party after losing to Clinton in ’16 and ’20 and Pelosi in ’24 and ’28.
I’m trying to get my gay and minority friends to consider a wholesale takeover of the Republican party. If we don’t, it’ll die out.
Frankly, I’m pretty goddamn sick of being ignored and taken for granted by the Dems just because I won’t vote Republican. Nanny-state leftist socialism isn’t going to do any better for us than Right-wing paternalism. There’s a reason that socialism is only implemented in the most homogenous and pretty exclusionary countries in the world. We have a better chance of making due without anyone’s “help” is they equally leave us the fuck alone and don’t, you know, economically or physically bomb the fuck out of our communities.
Oh things just keep getting better!
http://southparkstudios.mtvnimages.com/images/shows/south-park/clip-thumbnails/season-7/0708/south-park-s07e08c02-south-parks-gone-metro-16×9.jpg?
Nancy Pelosi might be a bit old to run for office at 84 though I could totally see her winning reelection at age 88.
Throwback Tuesday
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/brett-favre-hit-in-groin.gif
#FarveNards
Remarkable accuracy for such a small target
Throwing back?
OH YEAH, the sweet sweet nectar of EARLY SEASON, no-kinks-worked-out JV NFL is sooner around the corner than you think!!!
Due Process is the 14th. Self Incrimination is the 5th.
As a Defender of the Constitution, you should know this!
I guarantee you 90% of the self-styled PATROITS in the FREEDUM CAKKUS can only name you the first two amendments.
(sadly nods)
Not to mention that the Founders had a very, VERY narrow interpretation of what “speech” meant; and, of course, the freedom of religion horseshit was just to get papist Maryland to ratify the Constitution. They certainly didn’t mean every religion.
Originalism is for fucking idiots.
Also, anyone who thinks the second amendment is an individual right doesn’t have the first clue about James Madison and the Founders’ general contempt for non-landed gentry.
HE LIVES
Also, FREEDOM BUCAKKUS
http://images.politico.com/global/2013/03/07/young_republicans_ap_328.jpg
There is just nothing sadder than seeing someone under the age of 30 (really 50) in a bowtie. It’s like, shit, dude, do you REALLY want to die a virgin??
More of them have fucked than I have. And I make fun of them.
So really who’s the dumbass?
Years ago I remember watching a Georgia (I think — they have the hedges in their stadium, right?) game where it was raining and Georgia was losing and all these young white males were standing there in their stupid jackets and striped ties getting rained on all sad.
It was great.
Due Process just means you get a bullshit “hearing” before the government anally rapes you.
So I may or may not be eating all of the spaghetti I made for the rest of the week in an attempt to drown my sorrow at being a complete fucking idiot about money.
(My credit union charges a $5/day negative balance fee)
A credit union does that? They’re usually not such assholes. Which one?
Actually $5 is pretty fair. My bank cost #21 a day. Not even with a phone call on day 4 that my balance is approaching negative $100.
Whatever NM educators’ became.
Okay, Pauly, you worked improved Mental Health Codes in the USA and the VA to combat PTSD on the troops. How do we keep the crazy people away from the guns? I have a mentally unstable person in my family; this may be a life-or-death issue for me.
If 20 6 & 7 years olds being murdered doesn’t do it
And watching a cop get murdered on live TV doesn’t do it
Nothing is going to end the easy access fucked up people have to guns because, point blank, THIS COUNTRY IS COMPLETELY AND IRREPARABLY FUCKED
It’s not just this country. It’s the human fucking race. I mean, Europe is basically lighting itself on fire right now.
Like George Carlin said, the planet is gonna shake us off like a bad case of fleas. Which is basically all we fucking are.
Before I go out and get obliterated for my birthday (“48 & full of hate!”), I just want to express my gratitude as well for all the DFO Kreators, since I too was a July 31st refugee.
Thanks for letting me contribute in my own way.
http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i444/ALEXGRIM420/KARATEKID.gif
Have to respect Speaker Ryan. He defending endorsing Trump without downing a shot first or showing visual signs of vomit regurgitating into his mouth.
He could definitely go on Survivor and do that challenge where they eat bugs, elephant penis, and whatnot. He wouldn’t even blink.
He’s wearing, like, a million nicotine patches around his waist.
http://i.onionstatic.com/avclub/6067/6/16×9/960.jpg
Fuck Ortiz.
That is all.
http://sports.cbslocal.com/2016/05/27/david-ortiz-ped-steroid-red-sox/
In just a moment I’ll drink something actually good, probably.
Geto Boys – Still (Die Motherfucker, Die)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BX-7BlRc_a0
From the r/NFL Eagles roast:
“I remember one time I visited Philadelphia, just last year actually. I visited most of the popular tourist spots: Independence Hall, The Liberty Bell, and Franklin Square. I also decided to hit up an Eagles game, seeing as I would be in town for one (Dolphins, I think it was). I left the 3 tickets I had for the game on the dashboard as I ran in for gas on my way to the game. When I returned to my car, I was heartbroken to see my windshield shattered and 4 tickets on the dashboard.”
If you haven’t seen it yet, Bill Burr melts down at drunk Philly fans:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jMhoGUiIkk
http://67.media.tumblr.com/447cf2930a3b8409e6b1b1f4c9fefd29/tumblr_moduvkym3z1rojduwo1_400.gif
So, uh, up here north of the 49th, the Internet is exploding because our dipshit Tenors felt it appropriate to change the national anthem lyrics to include “All Lives Matter” at the All-Star Game.
Woooooooof.
Dudes just killed their career in two seconds. Fuck those pricks.
The National Anthem was about the British bombing the shit out of a fort. I think our soldiers and His Majesty’s’ troops wasn’t thinking about “All Lives Matter” during that night.
of coarse not they didnt have hashtag’s back then #smh
President MAdison
@JimMadison13
Hey, Prince @GeorgiaOnMyMind. Quit oppressing our citizens! #unfair #americanlivesmatter
Or they may have a new career as a talking head for the Tories
Jake Tapper: First question, Mr. Speaker. Congress has approval ratings lower than Satan, NAMBLA, and that guy who spoils “The Walking Dead”. Why do you feel that’s the case?
Paul Ryan: Do you have to ask? We don’t do anything! We can’t agree to do anything! I tried to get Unanimous Consent to wish Billy the 67-year old janitor a Happy Birthday, but the Republicans wanted an amendment to defund Planned Parenthood and the Democrats wanted to propose an amendment to give Hillary immunity for losing the Nuclear Football just in case. Who would like us?!
Tapper: Are you crying?
Ryan (crying): Yes! Boehner wasn’t crying because he was emotional. He was crying due to the trauma of trying to run this place.
(Ryan breaks down)
Tapper: Uh, we’ll be right back.
Paul Ryan doesn’t so much cry as he simply melts further.
http://realtimepolitics.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/Paul-Ryan-Thinks-You-Run-Slow.jpg
And just like that, the NL falls behind KC 3-1
Every so often when I’m looking at words, the novelty center of brain goes off and I stare that word as if I’ve never encountered it before.
Today that word was “matter.” It happened after I make a witty word play joke about Mike Huckabee saying “Male Lives Matter” because his sons are super fat and thus have lots of matter.
That happens to me when I’m looking at tables full of “yes” and “no” entries. But only for the “yes” ones. The “no” ones remain normal. Guess I’m not drinking enough Bud Light. #upforanything
I just realized that if I were to watch this atrocity of an “all-star” “game” then I would be forced to admit I dislike the Small Bears slightly less than the SAWX, and as a #BFIB in good standing, I would have no choice but #Seppuku.
And yes, Sill, Jared Leto ruins EVERYTHING.
White or red? Nobody cares about the white ones.
President Obama smokes glumly, kicks South Lawn rocks.
Is anyone else concerned that Jared Leto is going to ruin Suicide Squad?
http://assets.rollingstone.com/assets/2015/media/193707/_original/1429965790/1035×1546-Screen-Shot-2015-04-25-at-8.00.41-AM.png
[tries to care less]
[can’t]
Outside of Margot Robbie, Suicide Squad does not exist in my mind.
Agreed, am pretty sure this is for realz just a series of Margot gifs and I am TOTES FINE with that.
Isn’t that’s DC’s job?
I just wish they would fucking stop Dark Knighting every fucking one of their movies…
I thought the same thing about Heath Ledger before I saw it. That being said – Hot Topic Joker GRATES AT MY SOUL. Fucking Snyder ruins everything he touches, and if you think that this look didn’t come at least partially from him, you’re also “Damaged”.
say what you will about Heath Ledger, at least he went out doing something he loved…
LMFAO….we should all be so fortunate.
I feel as if this movie was in production for years.
Yes. I know he’s a method actor, but what he didn’t wasn’t Joker-ish. It was being a dick.
If he wanted to stay in character, but without killing people, he should have used random joy buzzers, itching powder, etc. Annoy people and keep them off balance while your there.
Papi sporting the Hamsa pendant, eh?
HES ISIS SOMEBODY GIT IM
http://cdn.thedailybeast.com/content/dailybeast/articles/2014/10/10/archer-drops-isis-the-fx-series-dumps-the-spy-org-s-name-in-light-of-recent-events/jcr:content/image.crop.800.500.jpg/47101139.cached.jpg
So Amazon Prime has old seasons of Mr. Show. I’ve got a week to rewatch the whole thing before I start working again. Goals!
Been meaning to do that myself, actually.
SO WORTH IT.
/BIG Indiana Basin Silt fan
I have a strong dislike of most people in individual situations. I look forward to coming here, finding out how everyone is doing, and genuinely caring all while laughing away. That’s the highest praise I could have for people I couldn’t pick out of a line-up but would have bail for. Thanks everyone.
THIS.
After listening to many, many opinions parroted directly from mass media sources this place is a refreshing oasis at the end of the day.
My name is John Daker.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PVal8Fy7CM
His name is John Daker!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLd22ha_-VU
Oh, its about Batting Average. That’s why the NL Batting Championship isn’t named after Pete Rose.
Rage fading… fading…
It should be the Rogers Hornsby batting championship.
http://www.notquitelegal.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Modern-Family-Phil-I-love-you-guys-so-much.gif
I’ll throw a big thanks out there too.
I really appreciate being allowed to have a place to write my demented ramblings and to post overly lengthy personal diatribes when I should just “Get to the goddamn recipe already!”
The feedback I get is incredible and I love the fact that some of you have sought me out in the comment sections for recipe ideas and suggestions. Keep ’em coming.
Besides this next week’s Sunday Gravy is going to blow your motherfucking dicks off!
Thanks all. I really love this place.
I too feel fortunate to have a safe place to post my post-internet-masturbation gifs. People don’t appreciate the afterglow like they used to.
It’s a safe space for people who are the reason the rest of us need safe spaces.
Earlier this evening my wife had an (“What are we doing this for?”) existential moment. My extensive reading of Sarte, Camus, de Beauvoir and Mearleau-Ponty in my twenties was surprisingly irrelevant.
I ask myself that all the time, then I remember that all the stuff I do is just the most sustainable and tolerable way to navigate through a bunch of annoying biological imperatives and random events.
Biological imperatives are a bitch,
It beats the alternative.
Unless the alternative is beating it.
Beating it is part of the alternative.
Oh shit, we need a Noah Syndergaard/Bartolo Colon buddy comedy like quick stat now.
Ah, breakfast for dinner. My favorite bachelor meal.
Completely under appreciated.
When I make my corned beef hash it’s for dinner.
That way I don’t feel AS bad for drinking beer with my breakfast.
I always do cubed potatoes, onions and peppers, bacon, and eggs. I don’t have a favorite style of eggs, so I switch it up every time. I only get to eat it when Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski isn’t home, but she’s dogsitting all week at her folks’ house, so while the dogs and I can’t sleep, we are eating like KINGS.
I prefer a Dinner for Breakfast. I walked into work with a Sonic Cheeseburger, Fries and Cherry Coke and people acted like I was rediscovering gravity.
THROW OF THE TYRANNY OF CERTAIN FOODS AT CERTAIN TIMES!
DIDN’T MCDONALD’S SAVE US ALL FROM THAT?
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/02/07/article-2097707-11A0A118000005DC-697_634x473.jpg
Why do they keep sending the same people to Congress? They’ve been in Washington for years but they never seem to get the job done at the end when it counts!
/ Marvin Lewis
I got a college buddy of mine that is the head of communication or some shit for a House Member.
The only other person I know personally that I also refuse to hear their stories about work is a woman that is a pediatric oncologist.
Honest to god, I am not sure which one of them makes me more depressed and suicidal listening about their workdays…
The pediatric oncologist occasionally scores a win, though.
http://texasfred.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Reelect-No-One.jpg
That’s my choice for President:
None of the Above in 2016
Jared Lougher is my lobbyist.
People are dumb when it comes to democracy. They love the fact their own Congressperson does what they want but then get angry other people want something else and they get to elect people to Congress too!
10% approval rating, 90% incumbency rate.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/40fe79a4098646aff29ceb59361d0c8f/tumblr_mjif1s7dDW1rojduwo1_400.gif
I mentioned this in my very first post but I’ll briefly reiterate. I was a longtime lurker at KSK for probably two years and was devastated the day it shut down. (NOW what would I do at work instead of doing work?) I don’t remember who mentioned DFO but it was like a light in the darkness of boredom for me. With that fresh start I decided to quit lurking and join this little group… And while I still don’t feel like I measure up to the cool kids (too many to list) you guys have always made me feel welcome and for that I thank you.
Here’s to another year of dick jokes!
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/1972124/mr-show-o.gif
BernieBros reacting to his concession with their customary thoughtful restraint:
I delight in the tears of these lunatics.
w = weight, right?
“Hope is never good. Don’t try it. It never works out.”
-Norm MacDonald
Easily the biggest scam of this election cycle was Bernie Sanders, career politician, convincing people he wasn’t part of the establishment.
How shitty/lousy a person/businessman would you have to be to piss away multiple opportunities in the game that gave you a shit-ton of opportunities and good will?
/listening to Isiah Thomas do some announcing in an NBA Development League game
Let me put it this way: The only thing left for him is to run for President.
…of Hewlett-Packard.
I can remember when I found out about this website. I only found out about the Great KSK Exodus just before the football season started, so I pretty much walked into a ghost town of a website. Watching the first football game was sad because it was only about five people in the thread (think the last home games of the 1995 Houston Oilers, and then divide it by 20). Sad that I only had one great year of watching football with you fine people.
Then someone messaged me this website (and I have pointed some lost souls this direction when I have ventured into the Website of the Damned). Its hard to put into words without rambling or going all feelingsly on y’all. Its just nice not being left behind for once.
Thanks for opening the door for me.
I was one of those lost souls! Thanks, wrestling!
Redshirt year is over.
Time to start sending Cam’s dad to pick up your checks.
Yay! I get to play on the Special Teams and when the games a blowout!
[rolls eyes]
Like that would be the first time you’ve sold a joint.
Has it only been a year? I remember when I got my first message from RTD about this place — it was way back in the days when Bernie Sanders actually wanted to see Hillary’s Goldman Sach’s speech transcripts released.
First time all day I’ve had a few minutes to just sit and relax, so I’m going to ruin it by drinking this.
http://coolmaterial.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/rogue1.jpg
Yuh — does it actually taste like sriracha is in it?
I drank a orange blossom beer yesterday. I don’t really drink beer but I thought it was good.
No, which is too bad, because I think that would have been really interesting. Instead, it mostly tastes like a regular-ass stout except it burns when you swallow it.
I have a bomber of Rogue in my box-o-beer; I have NO idea why I bought it. Should I give it as a gift or just grin and drink it?
Is it this one or some other beer? They’ve got some winners.
They do have some really good ones and a few meh’s.
My bad, yes the Sriracha version. Too hell with it I’m gonna drink it.
[Bottle Flies Open]
/reply fail
I have a bomber of Left Hand Rye on the Prize in the fridge at my airbnb…but I’m at the office because I forgot I have a semi-annual review tomorrow and haven’t even started the evaluation I was supposed to finish by the end of June.
Shit.
Werner Herzog started doing an AMA on Reddit at 5pm EST.
If it’s not audio, not interested.
I bet Woven would love to buy an NFL blog.
If they break up Gawker, I bet we could hook on with Jezebel
Fuck that. I want to get purchased by Uproxx!
We could all make a living of just starting websites, being the traffic, selling it to Uproxx, and moving on the the next one.
Oh man, are you guys talking about Door Flies Open? I love that place. Been going there for years.
“Nooooooo! We’ve always been DFO-ers! I even have a throwback door!”
-Seahawks Fans
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/245720/twilight-zone-o.gif
Gentlemen.
Snow.
East Germany gives it a 6
Where?
Mutant groundhog.
Ah good old Door Flies Open. We all float down here. We really do.
I like how DTZM is always like, ‘Oh, it isn’t about me.’ And then he goes with the most intrusive profile insert above his post.
“I don’t play for the money, I play for the fans.”
-Von Miller, explaining his contract hold out (as written by DTZM)
There was a Prime day deal for “Chicken Farming for Dummies” and I thought of Von Miller.
Speaking of roasts, yesterday this happened: https://www.reddit.com/r/nfl/comments/4scmwt/rnfl_roast_of_the_philadelphia_eagles_932/?sort=top
He learned it from Hillary and Donald.
So this is probably a good place to ask if that messaging button in the top right actually works for anybody. I just get the infinite loading circle when I hit it.
Which button do you mean?
Maybe that’s why it’s not working for him. Nonexistent button.
Oh wait, I see it- right next to “Howdy”
Oh, that button. That’s actually a message button that is active when you have a WordPress account connected to your site account. It shows you replies to your posts and Komments.
Ah, so that’s how I make that work. It never occurred to me that the DFO login wasn’t just a global wordpress account.
“It was a place where people who didn’t want to put up with the Nat Turners of the world….”
So….I guess you all don’t want to hear from a very special guest from the old site that I happened to reconnect with in a Trump chat room?
Derek from Muncie?!? No, no, no … Monkey Business?!?? I MUST KNOW!
Who was Monkey Business?
Also, my favorite was “BLOW ME!!!!!!” the commenter.
GROUP HUG!
Y’all are awesome, and for the record, I think of DTZM as the warden of the Cookieville Minimum Security Orphanarium. May we continue to exist to introduce a whole new generation of abandoned football dick joke fans with maybe an ear on their forehead to the joy that is DFO.
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/en.futurama/images/e/ea/Warden_vogel.png/revision/latest?cb=20090527153020
“Selling joints?”
-Eugene Monroe
ALL HAIL GLORIOUS LEADER!