NFL News:
- Ray Rice has gone to Plan Omega – if he’s allowed to play, he’ll donate his paycheque in support of ending domestic violence. A key part of that plan: getting a team to take a chance on him.
- Josh Gordon met Roger Goodell Wednesday, in hopes of figuring out if and when he’ll be able to return. He’d best get comfortable – Rog just took down Brady, so he’s got no reason to help Josh Gordon.
- the Packers have applied to host the Draft in 2019, 2020 or 2021. Since the League terroristic demand of sacrificing a home date for an international game in exchange for potentially hosting a Super Bowl doesn’t work in Packerland, this might be the one way Goodell gets the Packers over to London or Paris.
Finally, Eugene Monroe has chosen retirement over another team in light of his release by the Ravens. He cites concussions & long-term health as the primary reasons for walking away after 7 seasons and 93 games.
In case you missed it, they found someone to take the blame for Melania Trump’s plagiarism. Her name is Meredith McIver, and we’ll never hear about her again. Buzzfeed – which makes Uproxx look like The Economist – did the research to prove she actually exists. Judge for yourself here.
The best analysis of the Convention so far (outside the Open Threads) came from Lewis Black on Colbert last night.
That’s some solid, pro-level ranting. It’s what I’ve been waiting to see all week.
The final night of the Convention should bring the best of the worst. Here’s the agenda; the speakers list is an “OH GOD; NO!!!” collection of people we’ll never meet:
- Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman
- Jerry Falwell, Jr., President of Liberty University and evangelical leader
- Peter Thiel, Venture Capitalist (and guy who broke Gawker)
- Tom Barrack, CEO of Colony Capital
- Ivanka Trump
And then comes the man himself, probably about 10:00 EDT. If you thought the previous nights were bad, this promises to teach you new ways to euphemize the word “bitch”. Only half of those will be about Ted Cruz – say what you will about the Zodiac Killer, but it took some amount of guts to stand up and give his speech rather than the one they wanted him to give.
Food & Wine has the best, simplest drinking game for tonight’s speeches:
Rules: If Trump…
- Is wearing a red tie: Everyone must go around in a circle and name something that is red in the room. The person who either repeats an answer or stalls must take a shot to kick off the night.
- Says the word “huge”: Chug your beer for the length of the applause that follows. You must do this every time.
- Says the word “ISIS”: Take two sips of beer.
- Uses the adjective “beautiful“ to describe anyone in his family: Hold a modeling pose like Melania. The first person to laugh must sip his or her mixed drink for five seconds.
- Calls Hillary a criminal: Put your hands behind your back as if they are cuffed. Then take a shot by only using your mouth. The last person to finish his or her shot must also chug their beer for five seconds.
- Discusses Mexico, China or Russia: Take a sip of your mixed drink.
- Mentions Ted Cruz: Everyone has to shout “lyin’ Ted.” The last person to do so must chug his or her mixed drink for five seconds.
- Brings up guns for the first time: Everyone must immediately place a finger on their nose. The last one to do so has to shotgun a beer.
- Ends his speech with a signature thumbs up: Initiate thumb war with the person sitting next to you. Losers must chug their mixed drink for ten seconds.
- Already declares himself as November’s winner: Shake your head in bewilderment and cry because this is our new normal.
Tonight’s Alternative Programming:
- Battlebots – 8:00 (ABC)
- Premier Boxing Champions: Derevyanchenko-Soliman – 8:00 (ESPN)
- CFL – Calgary @ Winnipeg – 8:30 (TSN; Canada only)
- FXX – “Treehouse of Horror” marathon – 8:00
- In order, Episodes 3, 5, 6, 13, 15, 16, 19, 20
Get ready to do all this again next week, LIVE! from Philly. PICTURE THE CHEESESTEAKS!
Peter Thiel seems coked up
Time for my favorite annoying, recurring, shot in the dark: any DFOer want to pick me up from Dulles around 1am?
I can. I’ll be in a cop car right outside. Just hop right in the back and don’t get out no matter how much shit I give you; it’s just my sense of humor.
http://i.imgur.com/0Jn3juW.gif
With a name like “Reince Priebus”…you know he got the skit kicked out of him on a regular basis…which I guess why he is the head sociopath of the RNC…
Yeah, when I think about the world of shit we gave a kid named “Brook” at summer camp, I can only imagine what it was like for Reince.
Why is there a talking penis on my tv screen?
How much did you tip the cable guy?
I hope that somewhere out there is a guy name Prince Reibus who really hates being mistaken for this guy.
Plays dback for South Mississippi St. Great cover man.
Where do you think the mood is fouler, the floor of the convention or the southwest terminal at DIA where every flight seems to be delayed or canceled?
I dunno Reince, I pay higher taxes yes, but I still get to choose my own doctor and I don’t have to remortgage my house for a hospital visit.
Just read up on this guy. He named his kid Jag? Is he a lax bro too?
I thought Son of Whyachi was retired.
http://i.imgur.com/CDmaBs5.gif
Pop country is truly an abomination.
Country+Rap=crap. Which is also country in general for me, but to each their own.
I hope Ivanka does her speech in a bikini.
“Thank you! My dad picked out this outfit!”
http://i1.wp.com/www.thecubsfan.com/cmll/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/20160720lu-08.gif
Crosseyed optometrist, the fuck?
My dermatologist has the worst skin of anyone I have ever met in my life.
And painless?
https://youtu.be/gyDb4szpWmc
Holy shit, I have had the TV on for the last 15 minutes and its only now I realize its not the Convention playing but pro-wrestling.
I seriously did not figure this out until the speech givers started disrobing and wrestling with each other.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Kim-Jong-un.gif
You know…when I took over the company training program, the office monkey told me I was lucky that I wouldn’t work long hours anymore like a did when I was a field engineer.
I just now got home. I have been at work since 6 am.
Oh…and I discovered that the concept of wiring up a motor is lost on a surprisingly large number of my coworkers in the office.
Where’s Ivelisse when you need her?
http://i1.wp.com/www.thecubsfan.com/cmll/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/20160720lu-08.gif
Gentlemen
BULL CRACKERS!
Governor Fallin looks like she had a stroke.
Governor of Oklahoma? MORE LIKE STROK-LAHOMA, AMIRITE?!
Where’s Ivelisse when you need her?
http://i1.wp.com/www.thecubsfan.com/cmll/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/20160720lu-08.gif
/wife is not interested in the convention so we are watching a movie from the early 90’s.
As I see it, Julia Roberts is the wacky, unconventional Republican candidate that eventually draws in the staid, no-nonsense Richard Gere money-giver.
Life isn’t like movies, AT ALL!
I flipped on MSNBC (the least shitty of the news networks) and a few commentators are discussing Trump’s position on NATO and how he views the alliance as “transactional.”
No, Trump has no intellectual positions on anything and I’d be shocked if he could even knew which words make up NATO. I know the news media is supposed to treat his brainfarts as rational thoughts but they are not.
On a lighter note: Magary’s episode of Chopped re-aired (again) earlier today.
Holy shit. I hated all of these people before tonight. This is not helping. And there’s no way they didn’t smash cut a slur at the end of that Bobby Knight segment.
Jim Jefferies rant on Trump is superb. So many good taeks.
God, I really hope he’s going to go full on crazy person and call Aaron Rodgers a fag.
“Donald Trump is not going to pander…”
[giggles]
Its not pandering when youre right!
-DT
Get Them Up Against The Wall: The Story of the 2016 Republican National Convention
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/38/382f4489f4b35f64ac92874a1624f594a6464672cc7510be9807e46503f0955b.jpg
Why didn’t we get poor jjfozz a Camel-Bak to fill with vodka for this week?
Adam Silver is the best commissioner in pro sports. I can’t think of another one out there that would have the stones to do what he did today (He’s pulling the NBA ASG out of Charlotte over HB2).
Could not agree with this more. Stern would never have done it.
It’s far easier for me to believe he (or any commissioner of any sport) was the secret tentpole in favor of that bill so that he would have an excuse to put the game in a bigger market.
So who’s going to take Ted Cruz out fishing on Lake Tahoe?
Who is Trump’s right-hand man, anyway?
Ivanka
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFvrR6tquyU
HOW THE FUCK YOU DOING BOYS?
Another episode of HRTN in the can, so I’m living large.
Well, larger than Horatio.
Good to hear it
Uh-oh. I don’t like where this is going.
Let’s get the racism going!
Oh fuck they brought this lunatic out.
“Dress all the coloureds in pink jump suits”
He has an oddly British racism.
This Jerry Falwell Jr looks like Bill Simmons in 10 more years. Probably the same views too.
Fuck the Jerry Falwells
I’ve done some reading about Thiel recently. Dude is batshit. I wonder if it’ll come through in his speech?
He’s going to announce his presence by throwing Nick Denton’s head in the crowd and declaring victory for The Republic.
I’m okay with that.
-Dude is batshit-
“I’M GUANO VOTE REPUBLICAN. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT!”
-Peter Thiel
8 Days A Week! New worst cover ever! These guys are killing it! By it, I mean me.
Worst. Cover. Ever.
They didn’t write a song the RNC cover band can’t shit the bed attempting to play
Family Research Council giving away the Under God game!
Every time they start to call up a reverend with a bullshit doctorate in killing jews or whatever it is they teach at those Christian universities, I hope they keep going and accidentally announce “The Rev. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch”.
oh, that’s a bit close to eva braun.
http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.2719388.1469063898!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_750/ingraham21n-1-web.jpg
I almost find Laura Ingraham really hot. Almost.
Girl got some pipes
Fran Tarkenton? What the actual fuck?
Tonight’s the night.
Either he quits or I commit myself.
Sill, move up here. It ain’t so bad!
No, I’ve made predictions.
If they don’t come true I’m basically an insane person.
Go on, I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Does it have a lock of the week? With a really big lock?
Apparently not:
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2016/02/29/the-shortest-con-how-donald-trump-stole-an-election-he-never-wanted-to-win/
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2016/03/24/the-shortest-con-how-donald-trump-stole-an-election-he-never-wanted-to-win-2/
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2016/04/05/the-shortest-con-how-donald-trump-stole-an-election-he-never-wanted-to-win-3/
Read those posts. I still am in awe that this is all happening. If only the USFL would have been successful.
WHO YA GOT TRUMP v GINGER HAMMER
They’re so eerily similar…
Peter Thiel: I WILL BREAK YOU ALL. YOU WILL SERVICE…ME.
(crowd is confused)
Theil: I STUCK IT TO THE LIB-RALS
(crowd roars)
Dude is terrifying.
2 quick bourbon and cokes before going out with 14 people to a restaurant. Fuck. Me.
Flask?
Sneak out after the first round of drinks, say you met an important business associate at the bar, and pretend like you lost track of time.
O’s and Nats already played, so I hope your phone is charged up.