Your “THANK MERCIFUL HEAVENS!” Thursday Open Thread

NFL News You Can Use:

  • The Jets and Ryan Fitzpatrick compromised on a one-year, $12 million deal. FINALLY, the Jets problems are solved.
    • fivethirtyeight.com gave Fitzy’s numbers a value for dollar breakdown and found him to be the best the Jets have had since roughly Ken O’Brien. I’m kinda between sad and hilarious on this one.
  • After he emerged from the woods, Mike Zimmer and the Vikings agreed to a contract extension.
    • Terms weren’t announced, but if the Seahawks are willing to keep Pete Carroll through 2019, then ol’ Zim should be guaranteed until at least 2018.
  • Jimmy Garappolo is apparently “very excited” about his chance to start the season under center instead of holding a clipboard like other seasons.
    • He’s told his mom, his grandparents, and his girlfriend, who – if he’s following the Brady model – will soon be dumped for whatever Brazilian supermodel he hopes Gisele throws his way after Week 5.
  • The Cowboys had 4 of the top-5 player sales rankings during the offseason, according to the NFLPA and in stats compiled by ESPN. Meanwhile, garage sales in Dallas continue to be popular.
  • Fresh off the news that the Cowboys are being fined for having multiple players on the suspended list comes news the Steelers are one infraction shy of getting ginger-hammered themselves.
  • Today’s notable PUP list additions:
    • Muhammad Wilkerson (Jets)
    • Lorenzo Taliaferro (Ravens)
    • Josh Doctson & Derek Carrier (Redacteds)

Pick your poison – “The Cowboys will be good this season”; or “Why Your Team Sucks” – Dallas edition.

Finally, the powers that be have decided that, after 2016, the College playoff will be played either on New Year’s Day or the Saturday before January 1. That should solve the 40% ratings drop, as long as the games promise to be good. Here’s some free advice – NO FUCKING NOTRE DAME!


Can somebody explain to me how Julian Edelman got in the middle of this?

That’s Ella Rose (not pregnant at that time) on the left and Adriana Lima on the right. If you told me this was Gronk’s problem, I’d believe that. But it appears Little J is following Tommy’s pattern of dumping the one carrying a baby and settling for a Brazilian.

I guess I owe young Jimmy G an apology – he DOES have the right to expect some new tail. It’s the Patriot Way!


Well, tonight’s the night that kicks off the next three months of official campaigning for the November elections. I’m really hoping tonight’s speech builds on the momentum from last night, which was a series of escalating soliloquies aiming for the climax which will be Hillary’s speech. Everyone knows there’s only two ways to go:

  1. Nagging grandparent; or
  2. Newfound visionary.

At 69, she wants to be the latter; the worry is that the former will overtake it. She doesn’t have Bill or Barack’s gift of the gab, so if she aims for merely cromulent, it will be considered a victory. It’s her election to lose and, gosh darn it, she’s gonna try.


Tonight’s sports:

  • MLS: MLS All-Stars vs Arsenal – 8:00 (ESPN)
  • CFL: Winnipeg @ Edmonton – 9:00 – (ESPN2)

I don’t know about you, but BC gets a three-day weekend starting the minute I get off work tomorrow and going through Monday.

Hit it Mike Reno!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Brick Meathook

THIS MAY NEVER END

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Bolt VanderHuge (I still got like 10-15 more left, this isn’t going to end anytime soon)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This whole campaign should just be “Trump’s an idiot and…”

http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/8/df79d190-1bf0-0132-0871-0eae5eefacd9.gif

Spur

If Trump is such a bad person why did she go to his wedding?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Duh, to see Michelle Obama speak.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

To get to her? Ok…

Brick Meathook

GOOD LORD IS SHE STILL TALKING?

I’LL VOTE FOR YOU BUT I WANT TO WATCH ADAM-12

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Punch SideIron

Brick Meathook

“Flint IronStag” was better. I’m going to change my user name to that, except I was waiting for the end of the acceptance speech, which lasted 4 hours. I’ll get right on that, sir.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
King Hippo

ah, the long game of Sen. Warren’s EXCELLENT troll game. Then SPECIFICALLY analogizes him to one of the “small men” who are history’s true dangers.

A-fucking-PLUS

Beastmode Ate My Baby

They done double-teamed him!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, Horatio is RIGHT there, man…

blackroseMD1

[img]http://i.imgur.com/ILYbKSk.jpg[/img]

blackroseMD1

Oops. Been away a while, guess I forgot how things work.

This fail makes me think I need another beer.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Welp, I failed, too

/shows self out

Unsurprised

Churchill was a fucking idiot.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

But a really fun drinking buddy

King Hippo

Would have been an interesting game of “Who’s MOAR Racist??” between him, FDR, and Uncle Joe at their summit talks, eh?

Unsurprised

FDR. Jesse Owens called him more racist towards him than Hitler was and rightfully so. That Harvard cousin-fucker was a New York Democrat when being a Jew, Catholic, or non-white was just Not A Thing that was accepted.

Churchill’s record speaks for itself.

Joe Stalin was Georgian, not ethnically Russian. So of the three he was probably the most tolerant when it came to racial issues.

Sill Bimmons

Uncle Joe was only a racist in the sense that he hated the human race.

Unsurprised

He was probably right, too.

King Hippo

“No person, no problem!”

My oldest kid wanted to use that as her senior quote.

/even my DNA is weird

Unsurprised

Your daughter is very smart.

Sill Bimmons

He did know how to live…

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Spur

Follow the money? You sure you want to do that with the Clinton Foundation?

Unsurprised

I appreciate that 2016 is when the United States became a banana republic being fought over by Russia and China

Spur

I hate this free college shit. Pick a fucking degree that has potential to give access to stable jobs and great pay.

King Hippo

I think that goes too far, too. But that was a chit given to Sanders for his grudging cooperation.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Just make it fucking affordable…you know, like it used to be?

Unsurprised

Yeah, just wave a magic wand. Same as with gas prices.

King Hippo

THIS exactly. Have some skin in the game, but not crippling.

Sill Bimmons

BOOKS NOT BOMBS

Unsurprised

Shit, I’d be happy to settle for Dept. of Ed. mandating minimum percentages for instructors’ salaries and caps on bureaucratic deadweight.

Unsurprised

Federal student aid is already the reason why tuition is so high because Dept. of Ed. will just keep raising the amount of money students can borrow.

They crack down on for-profit schools but let administration and everything BUT I&G (actual instruction) spending explode at such non-profits as Harvard, with its $20 billion pile of cash (i.e., endowment) and then help con states into the same kind of funding formulas and lack of accountability for their public universities.

(I got opinions, man)

Sill Bimmons

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Doktor Zymm

Sadly, people still fall for it, even when you tell them what you’re doing…
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is this real? Just run a clip of this instead of any other ad until November.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No, snopes debunked it a while ago.

http://www.snopes.com/1998-trump-people-quote/

Sill Bimmons

Bummer.

That’s what you get for trusting a GIS.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

But hey, I’m fine with looping this:

Spur
Beastmode Ate My Baby

There we go! Stress the Justices…that’s her single best defense against Trump.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Big time. I’d like to see actual action on CC before it’s, y’know, too late…

Unsurprised

We’re already fucked. I hope you enjoy being drafted to build the mountain haven for when the world becomes uninhabitable for humans.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

It’s not insurmountable YET, but we are dancing right on the edge. We have maybe 15 years to make major changes.

King Hippo

there was a non-cackle GENUINE laugh!! I don’t think it was planned in the speech.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Interesting…she mentioned free tuition…that’s new.

Spur

Pretty much.

Spur

Vague jobs with vague wages!

Spur

But how will Hillary help the Cowboys D-Line? I want to hear a plan.

Unsurprised

She’s not running for Pope. Miracles are his department.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

She had crazy eyes there for a sec, then pulled it back.

Spur

Both of these candidates are straight horrible. No talk of policy at all.

King Hippo

Speaking of sports allegiances…isn’t it a bit scary that if HillyBob wins (almost certain) and is re-relected (dunno), that we would have SIXTEEN YEARS of uninterrupted rule by Bears fans??

Shogun Marcus

Now I don’t know what to think!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Our team will be disappointing regardless. You have nothing to worry about

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I literally just talked trash 3 seconds ago about the Bears being bad. I actually am in the drinking the Kool Aid point of the year and think we have a chance.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I actually think she is giving a good speech in general, not a fan of her bringing up her New York Senator time because it just reminds me she is from Chicago, faked a southern accent on multiple occasions of her husbands presidency, then carpet bagged her way to New York and offended fans of the Cubs and Yankees by faking to care about the Yankees after proclaiming for years to be a Cubs fan.

King Hippo

WOOOOO, Methodist shout out!!!

/has not been to church in like 9 years

//it’s ok, Methodists are chill as fuck

Brick Meathook

METHODISTS: CATHOLIC LITE

Sill Bimmons

THAT’S EPISCOPALIANS METHODISTS DON’T DO THE STAND UP SIT DOWN KNEEL THING

Brick Meathook

SILL I SAID “LITE”

Sill Bimmons

OH I THOUGHT YOU SAID “SHAZAM”

Spur

Like Cersi at the end of Game of Thrones last season.

Brocky

Hey, even if the methods aren’t likable, she got results.

Spur

Martin O’Malley died for this?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought he died to promote his musical career

SonOfSpam

Yeah, sure. I’m sure “Martin O’Malley” played for the “Houston Texans”

Shogun Marcus

That’s wnba right?

Spur

America needs every one of us to help me sell this country to the highest bidder!

Spur

They should have ended the convention after Obamas speech

Wakezilla

On paper, my anniversary sounds sexy:

Wife and I are staying in a private room with AC. We’ve been here for hours, giggity. Unexpectedly, a gorgeous brunette with a sexy Eastern European accent surprised us and showed up with a cute Asian. The Eastern European woman began fingering my wife while I watched. Curiosity kicked in and the Asian decided to have a go at my wife.

In reality, my wife is in a hospital bed and may have preclampsia. Numerous doctors and residents have been in and out of here. We may have to induce labour. She has blood pressure of 174 over 96, which is horrendous.

On an unrelated note, it’s our anniversary today. Lol.

Unsurprised

Jesus Christ.

Happy Anniversary.

litre_cola

Holy shit, all the best to your wife. When she pulls through this you will for sure get that foursome you had planned!

blaxabbath

Sooooo……hall pass?

jjfozz

I liked . . .the first paragraph.

My wife dealt with pre-eclampsia, you’re in the right place, hang tight.

Do not share the first paragraph of this post with your wife.

Keep a thumb on it, soldier.

SonOfSpam

Best wishes, Wake.

Also, I was hard as a rock, then I had a shame-softening. Thanks a lot.

jjfozz

So much crazy in dem eyes
https://imgur.com/JEkxmGh

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anyone else having issues with the like button? Or do none of you really deserve my likes?

...

I’m so glad the Why Your Team Sucks series is back. Day four and a Bears fan is already whining about how Drew hasn’t gotten to them yet because we sucked but not nearly enough to reach the front of the suck line.

Unsurprised

I’m surprised the guy didn’t toss in a jab at Cutler

King Hippo

and a Bears fan is whining on my teevee screen about helpin’ a bunch of takers NAWT makers ,, amirite??

Sill Bimmons

You persons really need to stop doing this to yourselves:

http://www.gifbin.com/bin/3934yu85yu4.gif

jjfozz

I love how most of reservoir dogs takes place in the back of a funeral home that hasn’t been used for years.

Brick Meathook

That’s a great movie

Brick Meathook

I WOULD VOTE TO KICK MYSELF OUT OF THIS GREAT NATION

THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Spur

I love how she thinks she’s portraying emotion by just raising her voice

King Hippo

This is much better than HillyBob usually is.

SonOfSpam

Agree. Love it so far.

Brocky

My reaction to people trying to defend Mike Pence.

comment image?w=640&h=360

blaxabbath

How are you a politician for decades and not learn how to be a decent speaker (I. always. Talk LIKE THIIISSSS)?

No convention for me tonight. I’m watching Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield. I’ll get back to making fun of two terrible candidates in a week when people are done being inspired by some nice cheap words that carry zero substance.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Good damn call.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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Unsurprised

I appreciate that the extent of hiding that it was a stunt diver was the grey wig

Sill Bimmons

Those shitweasels in Mississippi get $2.34 in federal spending back for every $1.00 they pay in federal taxes.

TWO THIRTY FOUR

In New Jersey, where we get $0.73 back for every dollar we pay, we can only dream of that kind of limited government.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, but you’re in Jersey, so you’re terrible by default.

(And yes, strangely the red states are “takers” – go figure)

Gratliff

Mississippi: Bastion of Growth and Progress

Porky Prime

Does that math include MetLife Stadium?

/ducks

Sill Bimmons

“American Dream Meadowlands (ADM) is a stalled retail and entertainment complex under construction in the Meadowlands Sports Complex in East Rutherford, New Jersey. It was first proposed in 2003 by the Mills Corporation as the Meadowlands Xanadu. After the bankruptcy of that company in 2007, the project was taken over by Colony Capital. In May 2009, construction stalled due to the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers.

The Triple Five Group announced intent to take over the mall in May 2011, and on July 31, 2013, officially gained control of the mall and the entire site, with ground-breaking set for late August. Construction officially began in November and the developer estimated it would take approximately 24 months to complete the project. In December 2014, the project was scheduled to partially open by Fall of 2016. In June 2015, the project was projected to be open by summer of 2017. In July 2016, construction appeared to have stopped, the developers were trying to obtain $1 billion in additional financing, and the projected completion date had slipped again, to 2018.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Dream_Meadowlands

blaxabbath

You’re paying for the convenience of being near the Acela.

Unsurprised

And not being in Mississippi.

Spur

She would totally have been English loyalist.

Spur

Bernie looks pissed. There is no way in hell they didn’t threaten him.

King Hippo

He ALWAYS looks pissed off.

Spur
Doktor Zymm

Do you think there’s a guy somewhere named “Ben Gossi” who’s just super sick of the whole Benghazi thing? Sort of like that guy Peter File from the IT Crowd?
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Beastmode Ate My Baby

/sighs
//deletes new HRTN chapter
///starts over

herodotus450

There’s a future Jets O-lineman out there somewhere name D’fla tagayte

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

As someone born on 9/11. I am sure there is and they hate their life.

SonOfSpam

Can jet fuel melt you???

Sill Bimmons

Michael Hunts everywhere nod sadly.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

She has spent the last few days trying to convince everyone she isn’t a curmudgeonly grandma, then comes out wearing the most curmudgeonly white suit.

Spur

Hillary pointing at her donors, “Wall Street! Goldman Sachs! Koch Brothers, I FUCKING SEE YOU!”

Gratliff

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tm0nopK1BQM
A few more plays of Fight Song and you’ll be begging them to play it again

litre_cola

This made me laugh tremendously.

Spur

Benghazi!!!!!!!!!!!

Brocky

“A friend I graduated with died in Iraq. Where the hell were all the republicans trying to put his family on tv?”

-A variation my response to republicans who literally think just saying “Benghazi” is a argument.

its complete bullshit of course, but most of my argumentative opponents are so poorly equipped to defend that it usually shuts them up