NFL News You Can Use:
- The Jets and Ryan Fitzpatrick compromised on a one-year, $12 million deal. FINALLY, the Jets problems are solved.
- fivethirtyeight.com gave Fitzy’s numbers a value for dollar breakdown and found him to be the best the Jets have had since roughly Ken O’Brien. I’m kinda between sad and hilarious on this one.
- After he emerged from the woods, Mike Zimmer and the Vikings agreed to a contract extension.
- Terms weren’t announced, but if the Seahawks are willing to keep Pete Carroll through 2019, then ol’ Zim should be guaranteed until at least 2018.
- Jimmy Garappolo is apparently “very excited” about his chance to start the season under center instead of holding a clipboard like other seasons.
- He’s told his mom, his grandparents, and his girlfriend, who – if he’s following the Brady model – will soon be dumped for whatever Brazilian supermodel he hopes Gisele throws his way after Week 5.
- The Cowboys had 4 of the top-5 player sales rankings during the offseason, according to the NFLPA and in stats compiled by ESPN. Meanwhile, garage sales in Dallas continue to be popular.
- Fresh off the news that the Cowboys are being fined for having multiple players on the suspended list comes news the Steelers are one infraction shy of getting ginger-hammered themselves.
- Today’s notable PUP list additions:
- Muhammad Wilkerson (Jets)
- Lorenzo Taliaferro (Ravens)
- Josh Doctson & Derek Carrier (Redacteds)
Pick your poison – “The Cowboys will be good this season”; or “Why Your Team Sucks” – Dallas edition.
Finally, the powers that be have decided that, after 2016, the College playoff will be played either on New Year’s Day or the Saturday before January 1. That should solve the 40% ratings drop, as long as the games promise to be good. Here’s some free advice – NO FUCKING NOTRE DAME!
Can somebody explain to me how Julian Edelman got in the middle of this?
That’s Ella Rose (not pregnant at that time) on the left and Adriana Lima on the right. If you told me this was Gronk’s problem, I’d believe that. But it appears Little J is following Tommy’s pattern of dumping the one carrying a baby and settling for a Brazilian.
I guess I owe young Jimmy G an apology – he DOES have the right to expect some new tail. It’s the Patriot Way!
Well, tonight’s the night that kicks off the next three months of official campaigning for the November elections. I’m really hoping tonight’s speech builds on the momentum from last night, which was a series of escalating soliloquies aiming for the climax which will be Hillary’s speech. Everyone knows there’s only two ways to go:
- Nagging grandparent; or
- Newfound visionary.
At 69, she wants to be the latter; the worry is that the former will overtake it. She doesn’t have Bill or Barack’s gift of the gab, so if she aims for merely cromulent, it will be considered a victory. It’s her election to lose and, gosh darn it, she’s gonna try.
Tonight’s sports:
- MLS: MLS All-Stars vs Arsenal – 8:00 (ESPN)
- CFL: Winnipeg @ Edmonton – 9:00 – (ESPN2)
I don’t know about you, but BC gets a three-day weekend starting the minute I get off work tomorrow and going through Monday.
Hit it Mike Reno!
Well, she didn’t shit the bed.
CROMULENCE ACHIEVED!
THIS MAY NEVER END
Bolt VanderHuge (I still got like 10-15 more left, this isn’t going to end anytime soon)
This whole campaign should just be “Trump’s an idiot and…”
http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/8/df79d190-1bf0-0132-0871-0eae5eefacd9.gif
If Trump is such a bad person why did she go to his wedding?
http://www.wallpaperup.com/uploads/wallpapers/2013/05/22/91638/big_thumb_9938abb158f2a9aa1c790bcfa956a4e4.jpg
Duh, to see Michelle Obama speak.
Fuck Dave Franco.
To get to her? Ok…
GOOD LORD IS SHE STILL TALKING?
I’LL VOTE FOR YOU BUT I WANT TO WATCH ADAM-12
Punch SideIron
“Flint IronStag” was better. I’m going to change my user name to that, except I was waiting for the end of the acceptance speech, which lasted 4 hours. I’ll get right on that, sir.
http://i46.tinypic.com/vio9ip.gif
ah, the long game of Sen. Warren’s EXCELLENT troll game. Then SPECIFICALLY analogizes him to one of the “small men” who are history’s true dangers.
A-fucking-PLUS
They done double-teamed him!
Hey, Horatio is RIGHT there, man…
[img]http://i.imgur.com/ILYbKSk.jpg[/img]
Oops. Been away a while, guess I forgot how things work.
This fail makes me think I need another beer.
http://www.southernspirits.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Craft-Beer1.jpeg
Welp, I failed, too
/shows self out
http://www.azquotes.com/picture-quotes/quote-i-am-strongly-in-favour-of-using-poisoned-gas-against-uncivilised-tribes-winston-churchill-61-11-00.jpg
Churchill was a fucking idiot.
But a really fun drinking buddy
Would have been an interesting game of “Who’s MOAR Racist??” between him, FDR, and Uncle Joe at their summit talks, eh?
Why do you think you never see Chaing Kai-shek in any of the photos?
FDR. Jesse Owens called him more racist towards him than Hitler was and rightfully so. That Harvard cousin-fucker was a New York Democrat when being a Jew, Catholic, or non-white was just Not A Thing that was accepted.
Churchill’s record speaks for itself.
Joe Stalin was Georgian, not ethnically Russian. So of the three he was probably the most tolerant when it came to racial issues.
Uncle Joe was only a racist in the sense that he hated the human race.
He was probably right, too.
“No person, no problem!”
My oldest kid wanted to use that as her senior quote.
/even my DNA is weird
Your daughter is very smart.
He did know how to live…
Follow the money? You sure you want to do that with the Clinton Foundation?
I appreciate that 2016 is when the United States became a banana republic being fought over by Russia and China
I hate this free college shit. Pick a fucking degree that has potential to give access to stable jobs and great pay.
I think that goes too far, too. But that was a chit given to Sanders for his grudging cooperation.
Just make it fucking affordable…you know, like it used to be?
Yeah, just wave a magic wand. Same as with gas prices.
THIS exactly. Have some skin in the game, but not crippling.
BOOKS NOT BOMBS
Shit, I’d be happy to settle for Dept. of Ed. mandating minimum percentages for instructors’ salaries and caps on bureaucratic deadweight.
Federal student aid is already the reason why tuition is so high because Dept. of Ed. will just keep raising the amount of money students can borrow.
They crack down on for-profit schools but let administration and everything BUT I&G (actual instruction) spending explode at such non-profits as Harvard, with its $20 billion pile of cash (i.e., endowment) and then help con states into the same kind of funding formulas and lack of accountability for their public universities.
(I got opinions, man)
http://glam-r-us.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/pyramid_scam.jpg
She’s going to beat that “deal me in” line to death, isn’t she?
Sadly, people still fall for it, even when you tell them what you’re doing…
Is this real? Just run a clip of this instead of any other ad until November.
No, snopes debunked it a while ago.
http://www.snopes.com/1998-trump-people-quote/
Bummer.
That’s what you get for trusting a GIS.
But hey, I’m fine with looping this:
http://i.imgur.com/hZFsW8e.png
There we go! Stress the Justices…that’s her single best defense against Trump.
The “I believe in science” was a good crack too.
She should use Bill Nye like garlic to see Sarah Palin away.
Big time. I’d like to see actual action on CC before it’s, y’know, too late…
We’re already fucked. I hope you enjoy being drafted to build the mountain haven for when the world becomes uninhabitable for humans.
It’s not insurmountable YET, but we are dancing right on the edge. We have maybe 15 years to make major changes.
there was a non-cackle GENUINE laugh!! I don’t think it was planned in the speech.
Interesting…she mentioned free tuition…that’s new.
Then they cut to Bernie, and I swear you could hear him thinking, “…bitch.”
Pretty much.
Vague jobs with vague wages!
But how will Hillary help the Cowboys D-Line? I want to hear a plan.
She’s not running for Pope. Miracles are his department.
She had crazy eyes there for a sec, then pulled it back.
Both of these candidates are straight horrible. No talk of policy at all.
Speaking of sports allegiances…isn’t it a bit scary that if HillyBob wins (almost certain) and is re-relected (dunno), that we would have SIXTEEN YEARS of uninterrupted rule by Bears fans??
Now I don’t know what to think!
Our team will be disappointing regardless. You have nothing to worry about
Just imagine if they’d had the talent to actually win a Super Bowl?
I literally just talked trash 3 seconds ago about the Bears being bad. I actually am in the drinking the Kool Aid point of the year and think we have a chance.
I actually think she is giving a good speech in general, not a fan of her bringing up her New York Senator time because it just reminds me she is from Chicago, faked a southern accent on multiple occasions of her husbands presidency, then carpet bagged her way to New York and offended fans of the Cubs and Yankees by faking to care about the Yankees after proclaiming for years to be a Cubs fan.
Huzzah
http://foodstantly.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/big-butt.jpg
WOOOOO, Methodist shout out!!!
/has not been to church in like 9 years
//it’s ok, Methodists are chill as fuck
METHODISTS: CATHOLIC LITE
THAT’S EPISCOPALIANS METHODISTS DON’T DO THE STAND UP SIT DOWN KNEEL THING
SILL I SAID “LITE”
OH I THOUGHT YOU SAID “SHAZAM”
Like Cersi at the end of Game of Thrones last season.
Hey, even if the methods aren’t likable, she got results.
Martin O’Malley died for this?
I thought he died to promote his musical career
Yeah, sure. I’m sure “Martin O’Malley” played for the “Houston Texans”
That’s wnba right?
Sixers management must be confused about why people are cheering in their arena and there’s no free taco giveaway.
America needs every one of us to help me sell this country to the highest bidder!
They should have ended the convention after Obamas speech
On paper, my anniversary sounds sexy:
Wife and I are staying in a private room with AC. We’ve been here for hours, giggity. Unexpectedly, a gorgeous brunette with a sexy Eastern European accent surprised us and showed up with a cute Asian. The Eastern European woman began fingering my wife while I watched. Curiosity kicked in and the Asian decided to have a go at my wife.
In reality, my wife is in a hospital bed and may have preclampsia. Numerous doctors and residents have been in and out of here. We may have to induce labour. She has blood pressure of 174 over 96, which is horrendous.
On an unrelated note, it’s our anniversary today. Lol.
Be strong, brother.
St Paul’s?
Jesus Christ.
Happy Anniversary.
Holy shit, all the best to your wife. When she pulls through this you will for sure get that foursome you had planned!
Sooooo……hall pass?
I liked . . .the first paragraph.
My wife dealt with pre-eclampsia, you’re in the right place, hang tight.
Do not share the first paragraph of this post with your wife.
Keep a thumb on it, soldier.
Best wishes, Wake.
Also, I was hard as a rock, then I had a shame-softening. Thanks a lot.
So much crazy in dem eyes
https://imgur.com/JEkxmGh
Anyone else having issues with the like button? Or do none of you really deserve my likes?
I’m so glad the Why Your Team Sucks series is back. Day four and a Bears fan is already whining about how Drew hasn’t gotten to them yet because we sucked but not nearly enough to reach the front of the suck line.
I’m surprised the guy didn’t toss in a jab at Cutler
and a Bears fan is whining on my teevee screen about helpin’ a bunch of takers NAWT makers ,, amirite??
You persons really need to stop doing this to yourselves:
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/3934yu85yu4.gif
I love how most of reservoir dogs takes place in the back of a funeral home that hasn’t been used for years.
That’s a great movie
I WOULD VOTE TO KICK MYSELF OUT OF THIS GREAT NATION
THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
I love how she thinks she’s portraying emotion by just raising her voice
This is much better than HillyBob usually is.
Agree. Love it so far.
My reaction to people trying to defend Mike Pence.
?w=640&h=360
How are you a politician for decades and not learn how to be a decent speaker (I. always. Talk LIKE THIIISSSS)?
No convention for me tonight. I’m watching Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield. I’ll get back to making fun of two terrible candidates in a week when people are done being inspired by some nice cheap words that carry zero substance.
?w=650&h=350
Good damn call.
http://i.makeagif.com/media/2-26-2016/oe9gQe.gif
?w=650&h=350
I appreciate that the extent of hiding that it was a stunt diver was the grey wig
Those shitweasels in Mississippi get $2.34 in federal spending back for every $1.00 they pay in federal taxes.
TWO THIRTY FOUR
In New Jersey, where we get $0.73 back for every dollar we pay, we can only dream of that kind of limited government.
Yeah, but you’re in Jersey, so you’re terrible by default.
(And yes, strangely the red states are “takers” – go figure)
Mississippi: Bastion of Growth and Progress
Does that math include MetLife Stadium?
/ducks
“American Dream Meadowlands (ADM) is a stalled retail and entertainment complex under construction in the Meadowlands Sports Complex in East Rutherford, New Jersey. It was first proposed in 2003 by the Mills Corporation as the Meadowlands Xanadu. After the bankruptcy of that company in 2007, the project was taken over by Colony Capital. In May 2009, construction stalled due to the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers.
The Triple Five Group announced intent to take over the mall in May 2011, and on July 31, 2013, officially gained control of the mall and the entire site, with ground-breaking set for late August. Construction officially began in November and the developer estimated it would take approximately 24 months to complete the project. In December 2014, the project was scheduled to partially open by Fall of 2016. In June 2015, the project was projected to be open by summer of 2017. In July 2016, construction appeared to have stopped, the developers were trying to obtain $1 billion in additional financing, and the projected completion date had slipped again, to 2018.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Dream_Meadowlands
You’re paying for the convenience of being near the Acela.
And not being in Mississippi.
She would totally have been English loyalist.
Bernie looks pissed. There is no way in hell they didn’t threaten him.
He ALWAYS looks pissed off.
http://i.imgur.com/bF5Drrz.jpg
Do you think there’s a guy somewhere named “Ben Gossi” who’s just super sick of the whole Benghazi thing? Sort of like that guy Peter File from the IT Crowd?
/sighs
//deletes new HRTN chapter
///starts over
There’s a future Jets O-lineman out there somewhere name D’fla tagayte
As someone born on 9/11. I am sure there is and they hate their life.
Can jet fuel melt you???
Michael Hunts everywhere nod sadly.
She has spent the last few days trying to convince everyone she isn’t a curmudgeonly grandma, then comes out wearing the most curmudgeonly white suit.
Hillary pointing at her donors, “Wall Street! Goldman Sachs! Koch Brothers, I FUCKING SEE YOU!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tm0nopK1BQM
A few more plays of Fight Song and you’ll be begging them to play it again
She looks like Joan Lunden in the “A Place For Mom” ads.
This made me laugh tremendously.
Benghazi!!!!!!!!!!!
“A friend I graduated with died in Iraq. Where the hell were all the republicans trying to put his family on tv?”
-A variation my response to republicans who literally think just saying “Benghazi” is a argument.
its complete bullshit of course, but most of my argumentative opponents are so poorly equipped to defend that it usually shuts them up