Your “What’s Staubach Doing These Days?” Thursday Open Thread

Nuts & Bolts can go fuck themselves!

Assorted NFL Bits & Bites:

  • Matt Forte is likely out for at least one of the Jets’ preseason games.
    • Pfft – wake me when he starts missing regular season games and I have to adjust my lineup.
  • Darrelle Revis is open to moving to safety from corner if either injury or team need requires.
    • Makes sense. I just don’t think he fits the requirement for the number of children a Jets corner is expected to have.
  • Making that franchise tag look appropriate is Alshon Jeffrey, who missed practice today due to a hamstring injury.
  • PFT says Jim Caldwell doesn’t have to make the playoffs in order to save his job. Wayne Fontes wants to know what the deal is?
  • Michael Bennett was kicked out of practice for fighting with the O-line & had to be restrained by Cliff Avril of all people.
    • Pete Carroll called it “passion…that crossed a line.” BUT COULD IT MELT STEEL?!

Legal briefs:

  • Atlanta waived Torrey Smith Green after learning of four (4!) sexual assault allegations dating from his time at Utah State in 2015. [edited to reflect correcting name]
    • Owner with-no-more-fucks-to-give Arthur Blank released a statement, saying, “We don’t want anybody connected to the organization who has those kinds of accusations around them.”
  • Roger Goodell’s balls might appear a bit bigger today, after the 8th Circuit court ruled in his favour over his handling of the Adrian Peterson case.

Finally, Kyle Shanahan picked off Matt Ryan at Falcons camp.

https://twitter.com/HerbMcDerb/status/761227482561409024

That’s…not good.


The first Coaches Poll is out, and – surprise, surprise – Alabama is ranked #1. You can tell it’s horseshit because Notre Dame is in the Top-10, and Baylor is ranked 21. Expect Jim Harbaugh to have something to say about Michigan at #8.

Tonight’s sports & entertainment:

  • CFL: ESPN2; TSN
    • BC at Montreal – 7:00
    • Saskatchewan at Calgary – 10:00
  • Battlebots – 8:00 (ABC)
  • Olympics 2016: Men’s soccer
    • Sweden vs. Colombia – 6:00 – USA
    • Fiji vs. South Korea – 7:00 – NBCSN

With Kellen Moore hurt and Dak Prescott nowhere near ready, the Cowboys need a backup quarterback. With Nick Foles having signed with the Chiefs Thursday morning, nfl.com has a list of actual legitimate candidates, with Josh McCown leading the list that also includes Mike Glennon, TJ Yates, and Michael Vick.

But that’s not DFO.

This is DFO – it’s time to engage in the best kind of speculation – wild speculation!

Tim Tebow

Let’s just get this weak-armed consistent rumor out of the way now. Nope. Never. He’s firmly ensconced at the SEC Network, and busily prepping his 2018 run for Congress representing Gainesville.

Plus, he’s a virgin, and while Jerry Jones might trust him to help with the cover-up, he doesn’t trust anyone who’s never done coke off a hooker’s behind.

Johnny Manziel

A logical choice, given his love of hookers & blow, plus you know Jerry J would like to right the wrong he was talked out of during that draft. Plus, the four-game suspension awaiting him upon his return to active playing is on the moderate side of what the Cowboys are used to these days. In addition, helping an A&M boy right his ship would get ol’ Double-J the positive press he loves.

The downside – no one can find him. Why, he could be behind you…RIGHT NOW!

Rex Grossman

“I like it when my wife calls me Sexy Rexy.”

OH YEAH – THE SEX CANNON!

Seriously – he’s only 35, and a full 2 1/2 years younger than Josh McCown. He’s got an arm that’s been proven somewhat capable, and he was last in training camp with the Falcons in 2015, who cut him just before the season started.

He’ll always be a hero to me because the Browns tried to sign him to a one-week contract in December 2014, and he said no because he preferred to stay on vacation. Vacation from what? DOESN’T MATTER!

Kyle Orton

Retired at the end of the 2014 season, he’s always considered a favourite because he has worn Cowboys colours in the past. Plus, there’s the immeasurable experience in cleaning up Romo’s messes.

But he seems to really be enjoying retirement, as he’s mused running for Congress from his current hometown of Baton Rouge, LA.

Jon Kitna

Don’t laugh. He’s done the fill-in duty for the Cowboys before. A downside is that he’s 43 years old, he is teaching & coaching high school in Waxahachie, Texas for $95,000 / year, and why the fuck would he?

But, if the Cowboys don’t have someone under contract after they face Seattle in Week 3 of the preseason, desperate times and all that. Plus, don’t discount JERRAL hitting up Mammy & Pappy Kitna about whether their son wants to come out and play again.

Jordan Rodgers

Not really an option, but Jerry did see him on TV the other night, trying to make an honest woman of some hooker he met who was down on her luck.

However, there have been stories lately about how he doesn’t get along with his brother Aaron. Probably because Jordan doesn’t approve of Asian girls*. And if there’s one thing Jerry can’t stand, it’s someone who’d turn down quality poon discriminate based on race.

* = unproven allegation

Snagglepuss

  • Upside: Has great lateral movement.
  • Downside: Unfamiliar with playbook. Might be unable to read.

Plus, he’s constantly being hounded by the law.

Sounds like the perfect 21st Century Jerry Jones draft pick.

Magilla Gorilla

Has the size Jerry Jones covets. He’s willing to play for bananas. Plus, he has game experience.

He’s also huge with the kids, a fact modern marketing can’t afford to ignore.

Now it’s your turn.

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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laserguru

Howdy folks,

I bring two points of discussion to the table.

The first one is an easy one.

This is easily the coolest baseball related tattoo I’ve seen ever, Saw it tonight on the Astros vs Toronto game.

http://www.hiddenhandtattoo.com/sites/default/files/styles/full_size_watermarked/public/uploads/images/73541_1698915673026_4939208_n.jpg?itok=mba7gwOm

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

I said SIMMER!

laserguru

They misspelled “Ventura!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Genital Issimo

Hands up – gimme the beer and no one gets hurt

ballsofsteelandfury

Moose, that comment is no longer awaiting moderation. And it is AWESOME!

Don T

The networks should flex out all Cowboys games faster than a peacock in heat.

/Sees towel flying from my corner

//Have a good night and a kickass Friday

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Scully is tired of all the weird and random shit being posted by yours truly tonight ….

http://67.media.tumblr.com/a22ecf4a135b222a44462e40c7fa443f/tumblr_oaxy9jdNG11tq65nco1_1280.png

Genital Issimo

Baby Jesus – forgive me my sins and Let me comb your moustache

Don T

I think the next Hollywood animated blockbuster should be about anthropomozed lint.

Pocket: We gotta find Forensic.

Navel: But it’s so comfy here…

Don T

*anthropomorphized

WAIT

Yeah.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Genital Issimo

Shoof! So late for such liguisticacation!

Don T

I’d hate to be thought of as illiterette

Genital Issimo

Much has been drank by those who drink much, therefore truth. Lint is a fine film subject.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, my bad; she’s got some food stuck in her throat and he’s trying to save her. I thought it was something else.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/d84071292c1292ad18ff29d450cd30d7/tumblr_o8y7qmVHS91ut64udo1_540.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://66.media.tumblr.com/cbed8722d19728f9cdc8e62b000aada0/tumblr_ndokk92AaF1rw1wnno1_400.gif

Your comment is awaiting moderation.
August 4, 2016 at 11:30 pm

Oh, my bad; she’s got some food stuck in her throat and he’s trying to save her. I thought it was something else.

Genital Issimo

Thats a fine motor scooter!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Giraffe dreams of riding down the highway with the wind at his neck….

It shall never be……

Genital Issimo

Durant covers his own fumble – Cam could take a lesson, rite??

Genital Issimo

Missed him by that much!

Don T

Is lurker a slur for reader? I don’t get that shit at all.

Fronkenshteen

I thought it meant reader who hadn’t commented yet. Sort of like a “first time caller, long time listener”.

Don T

There’s a stalker vibe to it tho.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Lurking; quietly watching a blog.
Stalking; quietly looking through blogger’s window at night.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Good thing Ben Grimm is outgoing. Otherwise he’d be an Adobe Lurker.
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Mr. Ayo

I can’t wait to see how the M’s lose this one!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised

Oh man. The football in the second half of episode 5 is so good it’s making my dick hard. Watching the football parts is so fun. The other stuff is … hard, sometimes.

Unsurprised

Oh fuck. That escalated quickly.

Gratliff

I mean, how do YOU watch anime?

Unsurprised

Worth it

Unsurprised

Noooooooooooooope.

I freak out when I get a couple crumbs on my laptop. Of course, I also basically had to replace this one after I accidentally drowned it in iced tea before class once, so I’m also paranoid as fuck about contamination.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I just watched an ad for a show called “Notorious”. Network TV has absolutely NO FUCKING IDEA how to present an anti-hero.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nothing against Piper Perabo; one of my favorite subversions they did in Looper was setting her up as a hooker with a heart of gold, and then it turned out [spoiler] that she was just a regular ol’ hooker.

SonOfSpam

She has also made out with chicks in multiple movies.

Sill Bimmons

The Pirates’ irresistible careening into the Shoals Of Reality was to be expected, but did it have to be the Braves again?

The fucking Braves?

Again?

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/2240343/sid-bream-slide-braves-o.gif

We don’t even have a horribly offensive racist caricature as our mascot.

Yet still again?

http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/670160/mccutchen.gif

Fuck you, Baseball Gods.

Sharkbait

I’ve stared at that bottom gif for the last 5 minutes trying to figure out how he was safe.

Sill Bimmons

STOP NAOW or it will consume your life as it has consumed mine.

Unsurprised

I try to avoid the fuck out of twitter but I looked at Ape’s on a whim and then fell down a hole until I came across this, which is the funniest roast I’ve read since the Roast of @fart’s Clown Shoes.
https://twitter.com/Mobute/status/671390539070242816

herodotus450

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RfU5r63AXY
It’s like that one daft punk video but in chinese and made by a cult.

Genital Issimo

SSK Blocks the punt – no penalty

SonOfSpam

I have (checks wallet) $12 to donate to the legal fund of the guy who punched George Zimmerman in the face. This guy really needs to not exist any more or ever.

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/breaking-news/os-george-zimmerman-punched-face-20160804-story.html

Sill Bimmons

$12 is a suspiciously common amount of money to be posited as payment for any given thing on this dick joke blog:

http://brokegirlrich.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/giphy1.gif

SonOfSpam

The weird thing is, this is actually true, unlike everything else I write or say.

SonOfSpam

More in control than Shoemaker.

Sill Bimmons

HAR

Sill Bimmons

I’m a keen observer.

Unsurprised
Sill Bimmons

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Unsurprised

I guess I’ll go see Drew at his book signing next week.

SonOfSpam

OH ASK HIM IF HE GOT MY DRAWING OF US RIDING A TANDEM BIKE AT THE BEACH WITH MATCHING SHIRTS

Unsurprised

Has anyone talked to him about DFO?
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SonOfSpam

“Grampa, what was it like when white people tried to dance?”

Sharkbait

HOW DID I MISS HIM ON CHOPPED???

Genital Issimo

Reasonable?? – 30 hrs for three songs, $2250 flat rate including recording, producing, editing, mixing. I haven’t been in a studio since 1992.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Will Dr. Dre be there?

SonOfSpam

I hope so. I’ve got this rash on my balls…

Sill Bimmons

I haven’t been in a studio since before then!

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Sill Bimmons

Ken Ham =

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Someone said they had a homeboy in Maine, who was that again? Or any other DFOers have recs (other than Allagash) for a trip to Maine next week? The lady has never been and I haven’t been since I was a kid.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have an old girlfriend from summer camp. Her name is Patricia and she lives in Bar Harbor.

Shogun Marcus

Let me guess. She’s was originally from Canada and we don’t know her.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But we know she likes the butt stuff?

Unsurprised

More for “Great Asses Slip & Slide With Ducks”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_m7Jqam2mA

theeWeeBabySeamus

Off to swim laps. See ya’s later.
http://www.videotubed.com/uploads/thumbs/e26dc5767-1.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Unsurprised

Just once I want to see one of those small yipping fuckers fall out

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s reassuring to know that the Knicks’ organization is consistent from top to bottom.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/651502/knicks-cheerleaders-o.gif

Unsurprised

And that’s why Portland gets an influx of homeless campers in the summer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This gave me my biggest laugh of the day so far….. no wonder.

http://66.media.tumblr.com/c77ad4dd18edc8ac6786312f30e07b0c/tumblr_nk068jYGv31qd2avdo1_500.jpg

Brocky

Also:

“Atlanta waived Torrey Smith”

You mean greene? Is rob moonlighting as ape?

Unsurprised

Even the livestock has mullets

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

/watches for five minutes before noticing duck

Genital Issimo

There’s a duck??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That gif is much better than the whole movie…..

http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljrsgwbJTT1qd2avdo1_500.gif

Brocky

It has its moments. The flasher with the piercings caused my grandpa to laugh for two minuts straight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is party drunk time.

https://vine.co/v/ejuvnI7ZWWv

Unsurprised

Ooh. Homecoming queen at a junior college. The elitist asshole part of me is watching Last Chance U condesdendingly.

Brocky

Guy in raiders gear cheering when Nigeria scores on japan…

There’s a politically incorrect joke there somewhere.

Unsurprised

Holy shit. That’s Albuquerque.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The head humping makes this great.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

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Unsurprised

Is that meat?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

MEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Genital Issimo

No – that’s meat cake!!