Your “I Want Football And Boobs-Not Necessarily In That Order” Friday Night Open Thread

Aren’t breasts of all kinds completely amazing in every way? Let me tell you about my latest experience that occurred just hours ago. I was at the grocery store and I was completely blown away by a perfect set. They were sticking out like a sore thumb at the deli counter. Needless to say, I bought that wondrous pair as soon as I got to the front of the line. They’re cooling in the fridge right now and I can’t wait to smother them in mayo, pepper and top them with lettuce and cheese. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah.

Jets/Redacteds-Nate Sudfeld, all 6’6″, 235 lbs. of him, was a scintillating 10/15 for 89 yds. last week. Scouts just lurv the hell out of these big body types. “He’s got the height to see over the line, the frame to withstand punishment, half-decent mobility and a cannon for an arm!” [Coaching staff gives him a script of plays that don’t involve any throws over 5 yards] “But, uh, but…the defence has to THINK that he might go long AT ANY TIME!” This is your NFL at the moment, folks.

Jets 2nd round qb pick Christian Hackenburg didn’t see any action at all last week. I guess when you’ve got a logjam of mediocrity at the position you don’t want to…expose the heir apparent to playing time? I’m just riffing here. There’s a position battle going on at the te spot. Jace Amaro and Kellen Davis won’t be deciding it on ability, that’s for sure. Maybe a chicken wing-eating contest? “Hey Jace, there’s too much meat left on that drumstick, that one doesn’t count!”

Fins/’Boys-DAK! Prescott’s light might shine a wee bit less due to a certain starting qb’s first appearance in the preseason. Chants of “Romo, Romo-how fat art thou?” will not be ringing through the upper levels of AT&T Stadium, not because it’s a home game but because Cowboys fans aren’t literate. First round rb Elliot is a no-show tonight because his slight hamstringy thingy is being baby-ed by training staff. [makes note to read Ezekiel chapter of bible in order to make more salient references]

Arian Foster will make a small debut for Miami tonight. Ill-informed dudebros everywhere will make references to his veganism but partially-informed open thread-makers like myself will make light of the fact that he is a yoga practitioner. Here goes…”All the women in Arian’s hot yoga class think that he’s a poser”.

Ari/S.D.-In non-sequitur news, David Johnson won me my auction league last year. In further non-sequitur news, I like Bruce Arians’ head gear. That’s about all I have for the Cards this week.

If Melvin and Gordon put it together this year, being offensive won’t be a problem for the Chargers this year. In a perfect, injury-free scenario, I can picture Marmalard tearing through defences the same way that Sarah, Gunner, Halle, Grace, Rebecca, Caroline and Peter have torn through Tiffany’s vagina.*

*Alanis Morissette thinks that comment is ironic

 

 

 

 

 

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was originally gonna try to make this fit some theme, but I really just wanted to listen to this song

Rage Against the Machine – No Shelter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NEoesmnYU4

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anybody else watching Olympic coverage? English Gardner is classic crazy eyes.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m disappointed when I even mistakenly see highlights on SportsCenter.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Commie.

ALXMAC

That movie sucked. What a waste of Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz.

Gratliff

Holy fuck, this isn’t the last minute of the game

Sill Bimmons

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Shogun Marcus

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Deftones made a sadder song. Sorry WBS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVMfISO9T1Q

theeWeeBabySeamus

IT’S NOT A CONTEST!!!!!!
WHY AM I YELLING????

Sill Bimmons

Ol’ JJ still makes Moose Johnston call him Mr. Jones.

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King Hippo

Again…the best thing EVAR recorded…

ALXMAC
theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo erection achieved
/educated guess

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well hell, if we’re going full depressing, let’s not fuck around now that I’m in a place I won’t suck on a tail pipe with the slightest provocation…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEq8DBxm0J4

ALXMAC
litre_cola

Jonny MArr + Morrissey + gold
Morrissey solo = someone is going to get knifed man

Fronkenshteen

Evening boys. Just got off the road. Drove the whole 9 hours home from Michigan. Unpacked, already got the laundry started, and took 2 bong hits, 4 eye droppers of the tincture I made, and a Clonazepam to stop my head from feeling like this:
http://adamgoldstein.com/birdup.gif
Now I’m nursing my last beer, nodding off, and am getting excited about lesser footy tomorrow morning, as its one of the only sports my deadbeat, cable-less ass can actually get pretty goddamn good coverage of with the old borrowed password.

ALXMAC
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

And have the el beisbol Cardinals taken the lead?

FUCK and YES!!!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Holy shit, the Bucs have bases loaded, 1 out in the bottom of the 9th down 6 — 5!

Sill Bimmons
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Eagles of Death Metal – Speaking in Tongues

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnrS4lFnGQk

Sill Bimmons

A whole nother entire quarter still to go in this highly palindromic 41 –14 DAL/MIA nailbiter!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

TV on teh Radio’s wolven song!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha!!!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Again a song I should be high listening to.

Tom Petty – Don’t Fade on Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKUBlwVgVYc

King Hippo

MOAR TV on teh Radio!

theeWeeBabySeamus

See, now that better describes me now. lol

Senor Weaselo

Why is NBC showing Superstore and not swimnastics or something?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Someone give me a bowl to smoke. This music is for listening to when you are stoned out of your mind

Tom Petty – Only a Broken Heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhhahTmbClg

litre_cola

Saw this live at Xfest and let me tell you it was fucking amazing. I am a yuuuggee Radiohead fan and they did it justice and more.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

true, we ain’t seen hide nor hair of our womenfolk since Q1

King Hippo

Here’s a good regretful, drunk, “think about yer ex” song:

theeWeeBabySeamus

Thanks, that’s helpful…thanks, no really.
(relax, I’m joking)

Sill Bimmons

fuck and yes

litre_cola

Could not agree more. Where is this place?

Sill Bimmons

SCAITLIN

litre_cola

loved when we would serve it for Burns dinner at Turnberry, so many leftovers, it was heaven.

Fronkenshteen

Hey, Sill. I followed your advice and kept NO ONE. Almost had to chew my arm off at 10:30 to stop myself from keeping Rawls. Ended up with the #1,3,5, &11 picks. Thanks, man!

Also: Haggis. Minced meat in boiled sheep stomach?

Sill Bimmons

MAH FAHNTSY IS STRAWNG WOO

Haggis sounds disgusting, but it’s delicious.

It tastes a lot like scrapple.

Don’t know if I’d trust it outside SCAITLIN tho…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
theeWeeBabySeamus

Honey, are you cooking fish?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, she look high.
/not a complaint

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have been wearing pants all night. I think I should remedy that because that is possibly the worst thing I could admit

Sill Bimmons

Spanish banks smgdh.

C. Montgomery Burns would never have stood for this.

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Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

Take heart, that was Baltimore’s entire staff tonight.

Redshirt

I just poured a Hard Cherry Cola into a glass and I downed half the bottle in one gulp. I can feel the buzz forming.

litre_cola

Whoa. who makes it? I must have it.

litre_cola

Not up here. Sadly.

Senor Weaselo

They actually gave out free floats outside the Garden a while back. ‘Twas a good day.

Sill Bimmons

There’s still 7 minutes left in the 3rd quarter of this Fins/Boys abomination.

Redshirt

A Reds Relief Pitcher just hit a three run home run. The baseball equivalent of the kicker scoring a TD on a fake FG.

Redshirt

Oh, this guy’s father just passed away and this is his first game back. That makes it more awesome.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I really am just obnoxiously drunk again. This is not making me any less likely to go over to my mom’s house and flirt with Carrie. She accepts my alcoholism without a second thought and we haven’t seen each other in months so I sort of would feel bad if I didn’t head there tonight

theeWeeBabySeamus

Walk in and give her one of these…it’s never failed for me.
/has never done this
//being an instigator
http://media3.giphy.com/media/PZQi1O9LlUrYs/giphy.gif

Sill Bimmons

Still a couple places left in DFO Insanity League 2:

https://yho.com/nfl?l=619470&k=5954bdbd1c268776&soc_trk=lnk&ikey=25f223df0bbe78a1

Use your drunken loss of inhibitions for good!

ALXMAC

Is “Sharpers Sleepers” taken?

Sill Bimmons

All you.

Genital Issimo

I have never played the FF. I know, I know…But I don’t wanna be the jackass that sits down at the first seat at the blackjack table who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing and screws everybody up

Sill Bimmons

It’s a stupid league that’s just for fun.

20 teams, 12 positions, crazy scoring.

You can’t screw anyone up because no one else knows what they’re doing either.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I haven’t replied but assumed I was still in this year. Do I need to do something to make sure I am in?

Genital Issimo
Gratliff

Yeah, it’s time for Dak to get into some off-field shennanigans

ALXMAC
Spur

Tony wept

Spur

DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK

Genital Issimo
Sill Bimmons

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King Hippo

TIE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Goddamn it.

King Hippo

the collective hate was all that was needed!

Senor Weaselo

Aaaand the U.S. may be disqualified. (Damn imgur link)
http://i.imgur.com/VXSxAAE.gif

Senor Weaselo

HOLY SHIT THE LINK WORKED WHAT IS THIS MAGIC

Redshirt

It didn’t work for me.

WHY ARE YOU DENYING THE MAGIC!!!

ALXMAC
Spur

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I got accused of being drunk by my dad earlier. He wasn’t wrong. I sort of want to fake sobriety so I can go over and hit on foreign exchange student when she gets back in town tonight

...

If my mom knew how much I drank (which isn’t even that much compared to other members of our extended family) she’d probably flip out and lecture me about the one relative who started drinking at 30 and died at 40 from it.

laserguru

Good luck explaining me.

Spur
King Hippo

so many critical Hippo mistakes…

Redshirt

dReds actually winning 6-1 over Dodgers, but bullpen appears to be correcting that irregularity in the universe.

Spur
King Hippo

Yadi leads off with a single…

...

HERE COME THE CARDINALS!

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King Hippo

joke’s on YOU!!!!

/see above

//our cousinfucker done HOMERED!!!!