YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
Don’t fall asleep.
You never know what nightmares may creep.
Fuck it. Sorry Cam, I wasn’t pulling for you tonight. But I also wasn’t hoping for traumatic degenerative myelopathy for you either. Best of luck. My cracker ass will now try to finish Deadpool (yep, fell asleep two nights in a row….SHUT UP!!!!!)
This calls for Maximum Effort
BIG WEEK
Normal MRI. Nawt Cam’s MRI.
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I can’t believe they gave the Bears a goddamn bye in week 1. Also, I hate that the Bears will probably be 0-1 after said bye week.
“In Brock We Trust”
–Jay Cutler
It’s extraordinarily depressing to be picking against my own team in survivor pools in week 1.
Football is finally back. I can’t wait for Sunday. Good night.
So football is back and better than ever?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGY1J9XTXuw
I hope this just automatically embeds. idk how to do all your guys’ fancy keyboard tricks.
If any of you had pressed the “Notify me of new posts by email” button here you would have over 1300 emails in your inbox.
Don’t ever do that.
I just want to take a moment and say…
Let’s do some shots!
http://www.globalresearch.ca/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Kennedy_brothers-400×312.jpg
BOOSH
http://media2.popsugar-assets.com/files/thumbor/qxMfqyJr-HzyUTVUDr_hJLfEn7E/fit-in/1024×1024/filters:format_auto-!!-:strip_icc-!!-/2014/07/02/047/n/1922283/98c75ea458662960_kramer-spit/i/When-Kramer-Gets-Spat.gif
http://www.bangandstrike.com/bangtalk/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/shots.gif
Tony Dungy turned into Gollum so suddenly and obviously that pretty much everyone has noticed.
I’m a too late for the fun?
http://images.creaturesinmyhead.com/creatures/011811-brainpop.gif
This is the type of game that feels like a tie. I don’t really feel like we won, because we iced the fucking kicker to do it, but I don’t feel like we lost it either, because we won.
Hey you guys, NFL-ish quarterbacks are commenting on the Site!
Metaphysical conundrum, that. Sort of a Zen koan…how to win without winning. But also not losing.
So, back to those off-setting calls,
if the offense commits a penalty, you get a free shot at the qb?
Apparently.
The league can still charge you thousands of dollars for attempted murder.
Yes, because in NFLand, committing a non-contact foul is exactly the same as trying to send someone to the hospital.
Also, two taunts and you’re out of the game.
Cams pout face is in mid season form.
That’s a stroke face.
Welp, Kung Pow is on HBO. Should be a suitable palette cleanser
you know, as many times as i’ve seen this movie, i never noticed the pringles cans before
kicker got iced? Better blame Cam
Welp, it’s about time for me to hit the ole Cocaine Trail…
… and finish the last 2 episodes of Narcos Season Two.
http://data1.whicdn.com/images/72492002/large.gif
I’d play Super Mario for her and drugs.
/I’ve said too much
Well. I’ll fucking take it
Welp, that was fun. Night gents and ladies. See you Sunday.
I’m guessing Ginn really earned this one.
http://thumbnails116.imagebam.com/47916/308832479158026.jpg
THESE CAROLINA PANTHERS, I CALL THEM INERTIA LABS BECAUSE THEIR WHEELS FELL OFF AT THE END.
Hey asshole, your dog has a broken leg. Maybe don’t take him to the dog park for a week.
And miss out on dog-sympathy pussy?
“So Coach Kubiak what was the key to your victory?”
“I read Camus’ L’Etranger for the first time in a few decades yesterday and I wept openly for hours. None of this game matters in life, I mean, aren’t we just the highest form of virulent entertainment just waiting to see who can despair each week? Goodness, all I could think of the whole game was the sordid coldness of ‘Maman died today.’ Michele that played in my head like a macabre loop the whole game…. thankfully, Von and Trevor never gave up and took it one play at a time.”
Cris’ Siemian slurping is the worst thing that happened tonight.
Bestiality
These BEATS noise cancelling headphones are bullshit!
What? They cancel noise from outside the headphones? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THAT?!?!
I didn’t think that piece of shit could get any worse, yet here we are.
I can’t believe icing the kicker actually worked.
Whatever
Cam Newton is going to have a very heated conversation with one unfortunate coat rack later.
Banner quote nomination…right here.
“I don’t think Gary Kubiak’s done anything wrong tonight.”
Indeed Cris. In fact, would you say that Kubiak’s decision to take a time-out and ice the kicker was a stroke of genius on his part?
SING IT WITH ME!!
You Bastard.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A
Cam died for nothing
WOMP WOMP
YAY EVIL!!!!!!!
Graham “Blair Walsh” Gano
Bawk bawk, Carolina
God I hate the Broncos.
0-1 UNDEFEATED PANTHERS!!!
*checks score*
http://114.imagebam.com/download/nanEUCJM5eVJBVOlf_rXEQ/47428/474277771/w704-4.gif
Ganope
Oh for FUCK’s sake.
Cam dials 911 tomorrow…
“Yes occifer, I’d like some cheesy bread, some boneless wings and a large pepperoni with onions and mushrooms. My address? fuck if I know. I’M Cam fucking….
psst honey…what’s our last name again?
Right….Newton…I’m Fig fucking Newton.”
Boooooooo
NO GANOS IS GOOD GANOS WITH GARY GANO
Matt Leinart approves of icing the kicker
http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/2014/03/12/raccoon_copter.gif
Oh this is just so STUPID
What if the Football Gods curse us with a fucked up 14 secs and the game goes to OT ar 23-23?
That would be a blessing
VERILY
When your stupid daughter won’t stand the fuck still those braids aren’t easy to tie indeed, you nubile smartass.
Will there be trust falls at the DFO con in Vegas?
Yes. And also multiple concussions as a result.
Ted Ginn may not have held onto the ball securely?
http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/im_shocked.gif
^^^^^^^
That Nationwide ad can eat ALL the ass.
oh for fuck’s sake, they basically decapitated that man give ’em a break