YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
Your new NFL Commissioner for life, Peyton Manning. Bow down peons!
I’m surprised Peyton didn’t walk out with Papa John
Buddy’s Story Time:
When you come from a family that doesn’t go to sporting events often and inherited their fiscal strategies from parents who went through the Depression, you find ways not to pay for parking.
When I was 8-9 years old, I went to 7 Jets games during the ’98 and ’99 seasons. I distinctly remember you could park your car on the other side of Paterson Plank Road in a titty bar parking lot and one of the bartenders would drive you to the other side of the highway where the entries to the stadium were located. I vaguely remember parking in the Marriott Hotel lot across Route 3 a couple of times.
It was to the extent that when my uncle gave me his tickets and parking pass for a game he could not attend, I had no clue how to navigate: I had never parked in an official Giants/MetLife stadium lot before.
I am home, pants are off and beer isi n hand. LET’S FUCKING DO THIS!
Fuck that guy with a rusty screwdriver
We’re gonna need you to be more specific.
a whole toolbox of Stanley screwdrivers, then wash down the hard work with an Allegash
THEYRE RIPPING OFF THE ORIGINAL BATTLESTAR GALACTICA THEME
is that cause Manning is Cylon?
MANNINGBOT REBOOTED
I would be so happy if Von miller just started bludgeoning Peyton to death with the Super Bowl 50 trophy.
Goddammit.
Von looked like he was gonna fuck the Lombardi.
Or cram it up Cam’s ass
Well *somebody* has to fuck it.
buddy, they won’t even let von fuck it
OH FUCK YOU
FINALLY, IT’S HERE !
http://pixelatedbrains.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/super-excited.gif
And there’s horsey boy. Erection lost.
Wake me up for hockey.
1 month, 4 days
Elway just has a face that’s made for kicking.
My son just called Elway an asshole. I am so proud.
NBC’s coverage could be better with a hot blonde on the sidelines.
Tirico’s gone from “please don’t talk to me” with Gruden to “please don’t rape me” with Collinsworth.
I hope there are more commercials this year!
I have two spheroids that hang in a sac made of skin that hangs from my crotch.
They are known as balls.
The NFL can bite them.
I thought that they renamed this to Brazzers field?
2016 Offseason Survivors, where’s our banner?
It’s time!!!! (Almost)
http://45.media.tumblr.com/6f65a5e51784f651cd1224aae58e8e3b/tumblr_o0zic8fbwW1tq4of6o1_500.gif
The wait is over. We made it folks!
http://eil.com/images/main/Barry+Manilow+-+Looks+Like+We+Made+It+-+7%22+RECORD-116590.jpg
Gentlemen.
Eyoooo.
Vampire groundhog.
Where?
/pumps fist at the obvious wittiness of his comment
Mental gin.
Here’s hoping that Milana’s bringing her “A” game to the new season:
http://8gossip.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/TSRKlBW-1.jpg
The things I would do to those tits…
I dunno…she seems a little “Uzbeki-Jew” ifyouknowwhatImean
TOO SOON
http://igihe.tv/IMG/arton3184.jpg
There was one?
Yep.
He wasn’t much of a fan either.
Did you mean “A” play?
Because I’m in…in a manner of speaking.
Finally… a NFL season without PeyPey is about to begin.
DON’T SAY HIS NAME!! He appears when his name is spoken….
That’s what you think.
I saw Peyton Manning’s third ever start in Sept ’98. I was 8.
http://olivethepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/theatermove.gif
I would like to subscribe to VonFacts
I would like to subscribe to VonnJobs.
Watch out! It’s a Von Trapp!
It’s as easy as supplying your fax number
I hear Velicity Von is looking for work.
nnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bridgestone makes tires designed withstand arrow punctures, which makes me wonder why the fuck people are firing arrows at Bridgestone tires.
I heard in the next book Daenerys is given a rare tire egg as a gift, once thought to be extinct
Am I the only one who wants to punch Bob Costas repeatedly?
Good lord no!
Fuck no.
I used to, then I didn’t for a while, then I really did again… now I just shrug at him. It’s a menacing shrug, though. He’s so startled afterwards.
Just once really, really hard for me.
Are we still talking about Costas?
Damn, Costas didn’t contract Zika.
Most mosquitoes fly at elevations of at least 3 feet.
Hey this texting dork and Steeler guy commercial is already old as fuck.
Did T-Mobile sample Spoon Man? Fuck, is the NFL trying to make me hate music?
http://www.weedist.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/the-tick-spoon-battlecry.jpg
Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Q: What’s the difference between your wife and a fugitive?
A: You get a reward if you finger the fugitive.
So Marshawn is “up in the air” about unretiring.
Is Beast Mode about to become the new Favrewatch?
The Magnificent Seven…Fuck Yes!!!! or Fuck NO!!!!!
WHY THE FUCK
It’s a remake of a remake.
More like What the Fuck?
Depends on who delivers the “we deal in lead, friend” line.
In related news, Hell or High Water was fucking incredible.
OG Seven Samurai or GTFO
I’ll allow it.
All those fucking elves and hobbits and shit and not one of them could kill the goblin named Dungy.
Step up your game, Middle Earthers.
According to some comments below some people are perplexed by a band called one republic? According to this wikipedia arcticle
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_most_viewed_YouTube_videos
one republic has the 17th most watched vid of all time, so I guess all you millenials need to get with the times. Don’t you even know what “it” is anymore?
I used to.
Gangham style, or whatever the fuck it was, has 56 zillion views. I have never seen it, which makes me the only man on earth whom has never seen it. I am special.
I don’t even know what to say about the artist known as
“Major Lazer and DJ Snake featuring MØ”
Broncos
End
Newton’s
Gangsta
Hood
Antics,
ZacEfron’s
Incredible
(Tomorrow’s Drudge Headline)
Ooo, that ZacEfron. So hot right now. ZacEfron.
We need more Z words.
As most amateur gardens know, there’s only so far zucchini all the time will get you.
Then why does my wife always keep a bunch in the bedroom, smart guy???
Midnight snatch
Zenith
Zealot
Zydeco
Zromulent?
Dammit, zydeco woulda been perfect.
No, Dan! Don’t look into his soul mirror!
Serena seems to be having a rough go of it in her semifinal match.
Why do you all submit yourselves to the pregame torture chamber?
Watching “The Sponge.” Sounds a hell of a lot better than any atrocity being perpetrated by the NFL.
http://esq.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/15/06/54d421b5df619_-_tumblr_m6cdh38eaf1rpiln6.png
Who is this dickcheese singing about nationwide?
“Peyton sits on co-ed face”
Just got home from the cancelled class! I judge by the comments, I should wait until 6 pm to turn it on.
Trevorception!
/sorry, just practicing
Semenception!
Siemian donor!
You’re the best, Buddy.
Great to have football season and your wit back buddy.
Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!
My buddy says, “sure, this is shitty generic pop music but it’s better than shitty generic country music.”
Your buddy is smart.
I hate the NFL.
I also hate Pepsi.
I too have been watching more and more college football and NBA. Go Red Riders!
What the fuck is this abomination?
You’ll have to be more pacific.
この醜態は何ですか？