YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
And here I was thinking Siemian was going to be responsible for the first turnover.
I wonder what Vegas had on that?
First derp, decent enough derp.
A One-Carry career. Not bad!
GRITFUMBRE
WOOOO FIRST DERP OF THE YEAR!!
“He spent all last season under the tutelage of Peyton Manning.”
BULLSHIT! I haven’t heard one “OMAHA!” yet.
FUMBRE!!!!!
Carolina, you’re literally giving up a drive to Northwestern’s second best quarterback of 2014.
Until THAT happened.
Dear Carolina, preseason is over.
I think they heard us, Fozz.
Panthers defense believes the season starts NEXT week, it seems.
Holy shit, I recognized most of those Panther names. Can’t deny they have a legit defense.
Pretty sure it’s time to get our own damn server.
occasional 502 bad gateway errors…
Same here.
Yup.
Script issue this time.
Couldn’t hurt.
I’m still ready to talk about it.
How the fuck you doin’ boys?!
Block 15’s Intergalactic Hop Shop. 7.5% ABV
Niiiice. Hair of the Dog Blue Dot.
I have quite the stockpile of Block 15 cans/bottles to deliver. And I’m in Portland this weekend…
Sweet! We should be able to figure something out. Drop me a line and we’ll figure it out. CAN’T WAIT!
Feels good to be back. Whatever is left in my Great Lakes sampler
Siemian looks like Nick Sobotka from The Wire.
And Demaryius Thomas looks like this
What a coincidence!
Time until first “shut the fuck up Cris:”
40 seconds of game time.
Matt Paradis gets his hair cut with Mark Davis
“Matt Paradis: The compound in the hills”
IT’S HERE!!!
You’ve been saving that one up, as it were. No?
Funny enough, just ran across it randomly.
FOOTBALL!
Oh hai, football.
How the fuck you doin boys?! Long time no komment. Collinsworth say anything stupid yet?
Can the pope’s dick fit through a doughnut?
I’ll fight the urge to comment about the kneeling and enjoy that football is back.
O/U on penalty flags
One billion dollars
I can’t count that high
http://olivethepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/theatermove.gif
Gary Kubiak is a Super Bowl winning head coach.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/75452a6d027bf05012d8fb8ecc5c5d7f/tumblr_o3aylsY3Du1rdmmjro6_r1_400.gif
Does having Trevor Semien starting mean Ghost Harambe favors the Broncos?
Brett Favre supports Dicks Out for Harambe.
#PicksOutForHarambe
Damn, that’s a lot better than mine.
Just took a whole tsp. of that THC tincture I made, shot gunned 2 bong hits back to back, I got my Guinness & pretzel sticks. The bad news is in about half hour, I’ll be watching this game with one eye open. The good news is that I’m so banged up, I don’t care if C.J. Anderson runs for 100 yds or floats away in a hot air balloon.
Have a good season, boys.
IT’S STARTING!
Carl Lewis called.
He said “Meh.”
Good for Aqib Talib taking a knee. Fuck this country’s treatment of black people.
LOVE IT OAR LEAVE IT PINKO
He only took a knee cuz he was shot just before the song.
Wow, that was a shitty rendition of the national anthem.
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/excitedguy.gif
This chick singing the anthem is drunk right?
Can’t tell. Probably because I am.
Is Kaep sitting on his couch? I need to know.
He is actually scuba diving in McCovey cove!
He’s practicing for the Regular Season.
I’m not sure I have enough Hair of the Dog Blue Dot to get through this game.
Queue start of 2nd American Civil War.
Do the people who get pissed at Kaep for kneeling standing up for the Anthem while sitting at home?
HATE HATE HATE INSTRUMENTAL OR GTFO
I consider my hate an instrument and I play it like a virtuoso.
Why is a train engineer singing the national anthem?
Rosie the Riviter takes offense at this.
Holy Fuck, will this game ever start?
Also pardon my ignorance but who the fuck is this?
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/2214771/friends-cheer-o.gif
National Football League
National Football League
National Football League
National Football League
National Football League
National Football League
So many flips…
http://67.media.tumblr.com/610adc20dfe83e939cdcb4a92ea79af1/tumblr_mqoi32C6c31rieqqeo1_500.jpg
It’s ok to kill someone if they mark a special occasion with a “Subway Sub of the day,” right?
Not only is it ok, it’s highly encouraged.
Jared’s “Sub of the Day” was a six year old in leather with a ball in his mouth.
I was totally hyped and had a raging hard-on over the return of real footy….. and then Collinsworth sunk his vampire teeth into my Dick.
This is really weird slash fic but I can guess I can work with it.
I’ll give Cris this one game before I loathe his every word.
collinsworth looks like a silver fox and Micheals looks like he barely knows whats going on
The stuff that Al is calling hair almost looks the part.
How flammable do you think that think is?
Silly string in-a-can flammable.
I’ll bet if we all simultaneously think about it spontaneously combusting, it will.
Holy fuck it’s Sunday Night??
BRANDS!
It’s gonna take about a quarter to remember that most NFL games just aren’t very good. GO DONKS
Well, looks like Collinsworth is still alive. This is the last time I hire an assassin from Craigslist.
Fuck you, you fucking dork.
Every time I see Collinsworth, I expect him to slide into a diatribe about why feminism is cancerous to society.
Did you tell him to use silver bullets? Or garlic powder? The way Collinsworth sucks the fun out of watching football he has to be a vampire.