YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
Fuck youuuu BAD GATEWAY
Chicago Med, your mother in-law’s favorite show. EVERYONE’S mother in-law’s favorite show.
Or Matlock
Goddamn Bud Light, way to work just about every team into that spot.
As a marketing weasel, I salute you.
I hate this commercial, but Bo playing Tecmo Bowl as Bo is fantastic.
1.2 seconds of a good Bud Light commercial: Tecmo Bo playing himself on Tecmo Super Bowl
…and that’s it. Fuck off, Bud Light.
Was that bud light commercial six hours long?
You guys up for whatever?
Damn, Tolbert went backwards.
Donks’ Siemian thrown into Davis’ hands
*Donks’ Siemian lands in Davis’ hands
FUCK
Dear Broncos defense: you’re losing.
What’s the point of shoveling lard?
Gotta shovel somethin’
That was a football hit
I’d rather watch Paxton Lynch throw eight interceptions per game than watch Trevor Siemian play one more game.
I’m good with either of those.
Cam got fucking trucked. Confederate flags are waved all over the South.
GE: We need terrible commercials to show you that we’re not just some soulless corporation that owns you
GE: We like to talk down to you because you are all too stupid to understand what we do.
WOOOO DONKCEPTION
http://olivethepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/funny-drunk-man-dancing-girls-falling-animated-gif.gif
NO TURK YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS SHIT!!!
No House? GTFOH Cigna!
Hope you don’t have Lupus
Don’t worry- it’s not lupus
IT’S NEVAR LUPUS!
Very Sanchezish throw there.
MONKEYCEPTION!
THAT PLAY I CALL IT THE CINCINNATI ZOO BECAUSE IT FEATURED A SIMIAN GETTING PICKED OFF AT CLOSE RANGE.
Masterfully done.
Fuck Yea, internets won.
I don’t want to Like, but just too good
Perfect.
See, I just kept trying to post “picks out for Harambe” and now I know why I was prevented.
Can I nominate that for banner?
picks out for harambe
Are we back to bad Broncos? Please tell me we’re back to bad Broncos.
Whoever had 1:03 left in the 1st Qtr., you win!
That was definitely the over.
Holy shit, that’s the worst call I’ve ever seen.
You can’t put your shit rookie QB in a position like that.
TREVORCEPTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The practice pays off!
Mile High Derp
ALL THE DONK DERPS
STARTINGTHE250THPICKCEPTION!
Siemien goes down.
Hee hee.
He got swallowed up by the defense.
Commence the Siemian is smart he went to Northwestern cliches
I keep saying to myself, “It’s okay, it’s fine, this is obviously preseason because Trevor Siemian is playing. But it’s not.
How must it feel to be a Clots fan?
The best player in their team’s Indy history doesn’t even know they’re alive anymore.
Is it wrong that whenever I see a player’s helmet come off in the middle of the play I expect to see them just get brained horribly? I’m not hoping for it or anything, but I can’t believe it hasn’t happened yet.
Shouldn’t #61 have had a penalty for continuing to play without his helmet?
Usually when you play without a helmet the penalty is a kid whose existance you resent until they’re 8.
Oh bad gateway, you are a cruel mistress.
Sounds like me after doing a hot wing challenge.
Okay Denver, time to fumble again.
Yep.
Holy God Michaels made Elway and Manning sound like they blew each other into the mountains.
The new gay porn: “Better ingredients. Better fucking. Mmmm Papa John Elway”
Quarterback Mountain
WHAT IS CATCH
Shit, that reminds me to bring back Is This a Catch?
Big surprise Kubiak can make a dump off QB out of anyone
Thank BLERGH that Simpsons is on FXX and I don’t have to listen to any of this Peyton tripe.
What episode?
Homer the Great
Homer the Great.
(Stonecutters)
“And Cam you get the Stone of Triumph!”
Oh fuck yes.
Jurassic Park on Spike
Isn’t that every night but Wednesday?
I’d love to see Elway ride off into that sunset. And right to bottom of that fucking lake. Fuck that guy.
Just break his leg. Someone is bound to wander by with a shotgun sooner or later to put him out of his misery.
Awwwwwww yeah, I got to send the roomies out to get me burritos and beer because football is on and I’m not leaving the couch.
Life is good.
Ultratouchback
Celebration penalties can go to hell. If a celebration makes you mad the problem is you got owned.
This.
Also I am with Harrison, fuck participant ribbons after the age of 10
Where’s Horatio? I need to give him a Ginn Coin for drafting him in Sill’s insanity league. Though it’s a miracle Ginn could be drafted since he was almost certain to drop the connection from completing.
SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT PEYTON
Who’s the first player to be ejected because of two unsportsmanlike penalties this season?
Richard Sherman, or Josh Norman
Harrison
No love for Pacman or Burfict?
They are all watching VR porn right?
Especially the woman who was moved to tears.
“They don’t really put ‘there’, right?”
I’m patenting a VR ophthalmology telemedicine diagnostic app.
I’ll be they got our beta version.
Got a chance to try it out, pretty cool. No tears, though.
He’s like a kid out there! *FLAG*
Every damn start/sit I read said to sit Kelvin Benjamin.
I’m an idiot.
Right there with you
Shoulda read my Panthers preview, huh? Huh? Maybe?
I did. Lesson learned. All of my fantasy football decisions will be made from what I read on DFO from now on.
Now, how many punters do I need?