Mia/Sea-Arian Foster has looked fantastic in pre-season for the Dolphs but the Seahawks will be interlocking their arms for peace? justice? hope? I don’t think it’s been thought through-how the hell can anyone catch a fish that’s thrown their way as happens on a regular basis in that city? Prediction? Miami and new coach Adam Gase get throttled and leave the environs with their fins between their legs. There’s an enormous talent gap between these teams.
Det/Indy-Detroit’s inevitable 5-win season begins with a road loss to the Colts. Guys like Ameer Abdullah, Theo Riddick and Eric Ebron don’t inspire much confidence. Wr Tate should take some time adjusting to being doubled so I’m thinking that wr Jones on the other side is a good bet to put up solid numbers all year long. As per usual Chunky von Butterscotch will be heaving the ball for the Lions. Hmmm…after doing a bit of homework I’ve discovered that Indy’s lousy D will be missing up to 4 starters. They’ll also be starting rooks at lb and safety and cb Cromartie has been with the team all of 3 weeks. Last one with the ball wins.
Giants/’Boys– Today a nation (or two) learns the phrase Dak! Slurping. Yeah, the youngster out of Mississippi State got the bandwagon Cowboys fans hearts a-fluttering with his “can-do attitude” and his “stats” and his “enthusiasm” and such. Makes me sick how far the guy is going to fall when Dallas backers figure out he’s not white. In “Holy Hell” news, the Giants don’t have a single player of note on the injury list! And they only had to spend 200 million in free agency to make it happen! Wait, I don’t think those two things are connected…
This Seattle running game I call it The New Adventures of Old Christine because it just gets better with age and I’m uncomfortably attracted to it and it’s more than a little the product of nepotism
I… I have no words
Wut…MacGuyver
…wut?
That and the Lethal Weapon show both look awful.
That Lethal Weapon thing is going to be a crime against humanity roughly equivalent to the Holocaust that Mel Gibson denies ever happened.
We live in dark times, my friend.
/turns on Netflix
//is happy again
Pretty sure we live in The Upside Down.
He ain’t even close to retirement!
This C–HEAUX/Fins game…
http://orig08.deviantart.net/47c1/f/2012/267/9/a/batman___dafuq__by_foooxft-d5fqu0q.jpg
I wonder how well Dallas fans are going to handle having a nagger like Dak Prescott playing quarterback. I mean, have you seen the way he harangues his offensive linemen when they screw up their assignments?
When I first saw that episode I thought the answer was going to be “NOGGERS” and was going to about annoying wives/girlfriends who count your drinks, particularly around the holidays at office parties.
As we all know, it wasn’t that.
I for one welcome our new Nagger overlords.
http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsonstappedout/images/2/2a/Hail_Ants_in_Episode.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130523215256
Bring back Romo!
Russel Wilson showing some Peyton Manning levels of mobility out there. Good thing the Seahawks have a stout, immovable line, and he doesn’t spend the majority of plays scrambling for his life waiting for one of his off-brand receivers to get open…….
How long until we get the first “Ezekiel Elliott is better than Emmitt Smith” articles? I’ll put the over/under on Week 4.
Depends. How many have there been already?
At least 3, and one was probably on fox sports
Just to piss off Aikman?
http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/emmitt-smith-says-ezekiel-elliott-is-better-than-emmitt-smith/
This excalibur elephant will end up jumping for Oprah two thirds
Good lord, it’s worse than I thought.
Eh, they’re both black, so it should be at least 10 weeks for the Dallas media.
I don’t recall hearing Elliot talk, but I’m sure his word choice is much better than Smiff’s.
He’s only starting his NFL career, give the CTE a chance to take hold
Eli is not enjoying his time out.
I see the Giants forgot the tackling portion of training camp again?
You might be a little intimidated of someone with permanent 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink hand…. especially if you don’t have vagina.
Fuck, wrong reply
“Alex Smith” threw for 363 yards?
Your 2016 San Diego Chargers defense, everyone!
It was against the Chargers, so that number should have an asterisk next to it.
How the fuck can you not block Pierre-Paul? It’s basically hand-to-hand combat and I think we all know about JPP’s problems with that.
I hate Dank Prescott.
How do you feel about Dak Prescott?
Who?
http://www.dankweed.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/mz-stoned-on-twitter-quoteveryone-deserves-dank-weed-httptcodphpsfeehquot-14446847628kng4.jpg
Cole Beasley must read DFO and can’t have been too thrilled with that whole “Cole Beasley is overrated” thing from the ‘Boys season preview.
Time for some miracle bubble water for the Charmslinger.
Once I sell my company I’m going to buy my way into meeting Erin Andrews.
That’s when I “turn on the charm.”
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-naUpLQID42Q/Vbhz0U1hdgI/AAAAAAAAJLY/JXEWEQEjGms/s1600/il_fullxfull.318174803.jpg
Our lab has some vintage chloroform you could use. I believe it’s from 1997, a very good year for chloroform.
Welp, there goes any chance of Eli getting Titan Fall 2.
Who are we kidding? He’s still gonna get it. Archie and Olivia just can’t say no to that face.
http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/article/media_slots/photos/001/692/376/9087b1153350e5beefd9a6738fae2826_original.jpg?1409169528
Eliception, it begins.
Little Known Fact: If the Giants don’t run up the middle on first down, the Earth will spin off its axis.
Norv’s coaching the Giants now?
Why is Fox in Houston? They move studios or something? Weird place for a football broadcast.
I think the Astros are playing.
The past few seasons they’ve broadcast from the Super Bowl site opening weekend.
Ok, but then why is the Super Bowl in Houston? Total neutral site?
Maybe they took over from NASA? They do insist on calling it a command center…..
Oh. I am drunk cause I made various deals with the Raiders regarding them scoring and me drinking. So I’m a happy drunk.
So not only did the Chargers go full choke today, but in one of my leagues, I was playing a guy who went full on homer during the draft and selected nothing but Chiefs players.
Because of the Chargers swiss cheese defense in the second half, I went from projected to win by 90 to projected to lose by 30. Fucking hell.
fuuuuuck
I went full Steelertard in one of the insanity leagues.
We’ll see how tomorrow evening turns out.
Projections don’t mean shit, BUT that is rather extreme.
Yeah, it has not been a good football day for me, real or fantasy.
On the other hand, beer.
What’s the difference between Trump and the Dolphins’ running back?
The Aristocrats ?
One is an Aryan Fosterer and the other is a RB.
Winner!
The version I heard was “One fosters Aryans, the other is Arian Foster.”
That is very, very good.
The Dolphins’ running back actually had heel spurs?
One is merely named Arian
Foster didn’t steal his hands from a toddler?
Didn’t CBS get the memo? You are supposed to have women repoting on the sideline.
He’s a damn fine otter, that one.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/4892556/water-drop-o.gif
NOAP
holy shit, what a catch by TY Hilton. Unless it wasn’t. I mean, who knows amirite??
The last thing I caught at the Hilton was chlamydia.
My niece recently discovered “Ehrmagerd Girl” and now talks in nothing but Ehrmagerd.
It is taking every bit of my self-control not to add “er’s” to everything.
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/19/1954081c6e7a6f9fd1eb85eee89d02e4e55d8d520226b29de306cf00a7d043a2.jpg
My roomie just finally saw the Rodgers throws a golf club commercial, asks me “ooooooh who is that cute guy?”. I tell her Rodgers, she’s all “daaaaaammn he really IS cute.”
I’m gonna drown myself in beer now.
It really bugs me that they use the formulation “not here, not ever” when it should be “not now, not ever”.
Did you break it to her that he’s not… you know… into women?
I mean, the guy’s in the same room as Clay Matthews and his golf club goes flying off? DOESN’T SHE GET THE METAPHOR?!
She’d be down with that sammich, she enthusiastically says.
God dammit.
More like Andrew Un-Luck. Amirite?
BAD CLOTS NO GRAVY
http://images.wisegeek.com/mashed-potatoes.jpg
I just got out of the shower and I don’t understand the Lions/Colts game.
It’s the half. Time to make the rice.
/context-less achievement unlocked
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=petqFm94osQ
I am gonna watch the second half from my bed or the ground. Both seem like good choices. I have an hour before I have to fake sobriety.
Zeke Elliott averaging 2 yards per carry. Delightful.
But, but… he looked so good in pre-season…
Fat Randy shank!
You can have Conor Barth back, but it’ll cost you…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a23iaoQXuE
May Eli get three rings.
Fucking Chargers…
Yeah. Just soooo fucking Chargers today.
I also drafted Allen in the 3rd, as my only Charger fantasy player.
Fuck.
/pours one out
Yeah…I’m gonna need a lot more booze to forget that Jekyll and Hyde bullshit.
I would say it deserves a post where McCoy gives a halftime speech which foreshadows the loss, but I’m afraid I’d just make it way too bitter and dark.
McCoy Bot needs a firmware update in order to make halftime adjustments, and Spanos won’t pay for it.
TOUCHDOWN OMAHA!!!!
Typical Coughlin clock management. If they get a first down, will have ONE shot at the end zone, not three.
Giants have had the ball only 5-ish minutes in the first half and are about to go into halftime leading.
Cowboys are moving the ball but can’t finish
CRUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
/kinda missed you
Is there any show worth watching on CBS? The keep advertising them all game and they are all terrible.
Colbert and 60 Minutes. That is all.
Football is on CBS, that’s okay.
Do you think when Vereen breaks off a long run the defense starts shouting “SHANE, COME BACK!”?
I have been drinking, and am now drink. I mean drun.
rikki dunk?
Have you ever played that basketball game Knockout, where you take a free throw and if you miss you have to put in a layup before the next guy hits his shot? One time we lowered the rim and I saved my life by dunking over someone who was trying to lay it up. That was second only to nailing the drink cart girl from the golf course in “greatest moments of Rikki’s life”.
hey guys
Yo.
Ben McAdoo looks like an 80s child molester awareness flyer
Dicey to make “flyer” jokes on 9/11, but this one passes inspection.
But in a good way, right?
http://spooool.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/08Jeffrey1.jpg
Always respect commentators that call a fine reception a “good snatch”.
With that flipper of his, all JPP needs to do is gain some weight and put on a top hat, and he could play the Penguin.
http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/batman/images/d/dc/Batman-returns_-the-penguin-wallpapers_25785_1024x768.png/revision/latest?cb=20111105020831
Why are there like 90 Jonbenet specials on recently? My dad watches all of them. Was there a new lead? Did they actually solve it?
Yeah. I think they found a whole new group of suspects when they read the comments on our site.
They’d like to ask you about Marc Trestman.
I was going to say “Who’s the youngest here? They did it!” knowing that person’s younger than the case.
Pierre-Paul’s a good teammate. Never points fingers at others.
And if you have some hamburger to make, I hear he’ll always help you with it….
He always wants to get a hold on a situation before it blows up.
The ladies love him for the PermaShocker:
http://sports.cbsimg.net/u/photos/football/nfl/img25420721.jpg