Third Place Everton and Lamar! (Plus Other Minor Things Previewed)

Pictured is Ronald Koeman, in a rare smiling pose. Despite being unbeaten on the young season (with three wins on the bounce, after humiliating David Moyes on Monday Night Footy with some help from Big Rom), Big Ron is something of a perfectionist, always urging his players to strive for the very best they are capable of delivering. It’s been a refreshing change from the delusional optimistic bullshit of Roberto Martinez, and if the early returns are any indication, exactly what the Blues needed.

Everton get Middlesborough at home this week, spotlight dance on big NBC (12:30 EST), though my local affiliate is showing Georgia Tech/Vanderbilt because North Cakalaky is still a cultural wasteland in many ways. Anyway, I will fire up the laptop in hopes for points 11-13 out of 15. Come on, you Blues.

There are no early games this week, in honor of my daughter’s 8:30 cross country meet. How fucking nice (and what foresight that she would qualify!!) of the FA to think of me like that ,, smgdh. Arsenal and Hull make NBCSN out of the 10:00 window pack, with the battle of the Wests (Brom and Ham) meriting some attention on Extra Time. Seems like Spurs should somehow be involved, no?

Speaking of Spurs, they get Sunday Funday feature treatment as the only NBCSN fixture (11:30), in what should be a home throttling of Sunderland. CNBC “boasts” the doubleheader of Watford hosting Manure (7:00) and Palace hosting Stoke (9:15). Extra Time offers Swans at Saints as alternate viewing at 9:15, but…meh.

That seems like some teams got left out, because the Redshite won 2-1 at Stamford Bridge Friday night. Christ, the knob slobbering won’t end, even if Everton keep winning to stay above them in the table. Which they must and will.

Hey want to talk about some jayvee stuff? Thought you’d NEVAR ask!!

Florida State at Louisville (Noon, ABC)

Talent vs. coaching, watch the argument play out before your eyes. Except that the “coaching” side of the argument also has a legitimate Heisman candidate in Lamar! Now away from the bright lights of Washington, DC that once hounded the young, flannel-clad GOP Presidential hopeful (and also now black), Lamar! is putting up video game numbers with his arm and legs for the Fightin’ Petrinos. Jimbo Fisher couldn’t coach his way out of a wet paper bag, but some years they so good it no matter. Is this one such year? Today will be quite telling in that regard.

Oregon at Nebraska (3:30, ABC)

This is an interesting inter-sectional matchup between two teams we really know nothing about. They could be sleeper-ish good, they could be shit, they could be 6-7 win pudding again. It’s September, the fuck do you want from me??

Alabama at Ole Miss (3:30, CBS)

Ah yes, the Katy Perry boob sweater memorial classic! The juju is strong with this one, and Nick Saban will want revenge for the last two defeats more than he thirsts for the blood of a newborn puppy. Johnny Reb done got him a loss on his’n resume, so he can’t afford no more if’n he fixin’ to contend all national-like.

Mississippi State at LSU (7:00, ESPN2)

The Cowbells got their shit back together last week, and now take said shit on the road. To face the Bayou Bengals, who look to be, well, shit. But that’s why they play the games, yeah? This fixture has made for entertaining 4th quarters in recent vintage, FWIW.

Texas A&M at Auburn (7:00, ESPN)

Another SEC West tilt, with the better team being the road side. That can make for an even contest and multiple overtimes. Not predicting, but if it happens…betcha it happens here! Both of these defensive units are solid.

Michigan State at Notre Dame (7:30, NBC)

Thankfully, nobody will need to watch this shitburger tonight. Huzzah, schedulemakers!

Ohio State at Oklahoma (7:30, Fox)

They don’t see any horns on your head, so you wouldn’t mind if…

This game has the advantage of Gus Johnson, so I will watch quite a bit so long as Boomer Sooner maintains a working margin throughout.

UCLA at BYU (10:15, ESPN2)

Late night DVR/tweaker/insomniac pick is IN! The Bruins impressed me on their trip to College Station (well, apart from their butterfingered WR/TE corps), and they will get the chance for a solid road win in Provo against a Mad as Heck!! Team Big Love. I hear Brice’s mom let him have TWO Sprites the day after the loss to “the U” last Saturday night, the family was so shaken up about it.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sill Bimmons

Anyone who would voluntarily leave the city of Southampton to go live in fucking Scouse-infested Stanleyville needs to get their fucking head checked.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Fire hose.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
herodotus450

Those bows are too big to be practical for any tack or jib I’m familiar with

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Motherfucker should get ejected for flopping.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

That was too easy. Whooo!!!

herodotus450

One play into the Pitt game: well, what else is on.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Might wanna keep that one on, brother.

herodotus450

It’s a good thing I have two monitors

scotchnaut

Barf Brooks?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

You can order an FSU Pizza from Papa John’s. It had grilled fish and doesn’t show up for 60 minutes.

Horatio Cornblower

Can we change the “Banner Comment” to “Stuff Buddy Said”?

herodotus450

Time to start working on my Football Sideline Reporter Answer Bot, it will save coached dozens of minutes a year answering the same questions over and over again. Some sample responses:
“We got a great group of kids.”
“Both teams played great out there.”
“I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation.”

scotchnaut

“I wouldn’t call that ‘rape’ per se-and yes, of course he’s starting on Saturday.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

So does ‘Ville run an offense the Seminoles couldn’t handle? Were they ranked too high? The Cards ranked too low? What is the upside for the Cards?

herodotus450

I call the big one bitey

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Rankings are bit of a crapshoot until the middle of the season.

scotchnaut

Looks like that Lamar kid chopped a ton of wood today.

/my way of saying I piled some firewood today

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

That’s what JFF is gonna look like in three years, right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Croooow

Great that they just signed Ferentz to a contract extension…

Unsurprised

I hope JoePa is burning in Hell

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Sorry Jerry abused you but I got a season to worry about, kid!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Committed body paint applicators do the Lord’s work

blaxabbath

Stanford and USC don’t play in the Big-12 but, hey, why worry about details?

Details like how Joe Paterno covered for a child rapist for decades.

entropy

I won’t even bring that up here. People lose their goddam minds, one way or the other.

NDSU has built quite a program.

Unsurprised

Hooray for oil money

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moonbatting Average

FSU/Louisville has been a delightful watch

blaxabbath

Good tackle. That’s how you hurt a dude.

Croooow

Bison are down one and has the ball with two minutes to go. Iowa 21-20.

Doktor Zymm

Okay, application done. I didn’t write a traditional cover letter, cause fuck that noise. Instead I wrote a quick paragraph about how I’ve done all the business analytics stuff, and I can get that done quick, and then another quick paragraph about the difficulties and opportunities in football analytics, and why it’s more interesting than baseball analytics.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Penn State: From Linebacker U to Turnyourbacker U

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t see that anything could go wrong according to the NFL if Gaga does the halftime show.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/25dbd3ab32f397df14bd0b5db2492fbd/tumblr_odda3mGV4d1ric2iqo1_1280.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

h

ttp://68.media.tumblr.com/61085bda6da40dd3643c83a6951d17c4/tumblr_odd7jmDBkA1ric2iqo1_1280.jpg

Doktor Zymm

Hey left coast people, the Raiders are looking to hire a “Raiders Ambassador” whatever that is!

Doktor Zymm

They’re actually looking for a bunch of stuff, including a couple of graphic designers

entropy

How dull would that job be?

“Field of black, add Raiders shield, skull, skull, crossbones, pirate-themed statement, lots of R’s resize, done.”

Unsurprised

A job so simple even I could do it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

I like that Designated Survivor is about a cabinet member but ABC is like, “Look at this everyday joe becoming President!”

LIKE BEING SECRETARY OF STATE IS SOME JOE BLOW GIG!

entropy

I like it that the feed went black, everyone died, and when Keifer looks outside a full minute later, the explosion has just ended, with very little other damage.

But whatever gives us more Natascha Mcelhone on TV I’m OK with.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Give FSU a Jimbo Fisher and you’ll be #2 for a day, teach a Jimbo Fisher and you’ll be #16 for a lifetime.

blaxabbath

I find Nikki Minaj attractive.

Unsurprised

Yeah, but her music sucks. I have to listen to someone’s (free, so ads. Yeah!) Pandora station at work all day that is nothing but her, Rihanna, and Drake. I hate them all, and every time Drake uses the n-word I think of how it’s more offensive than any white person using it.

entropy

If I had to enjoy the artistic pursuits of the various women I find attractive (both attainable and not), I’d shoot myself.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Yeah, and she seems like the kind of awful that would play her own music 24/7 and make you listen to it.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

It’s funny whenever I see Jimbo Fisher, I think about the Bible parable of the two loaves and five fishes.

It’s appropriate today because FSU could put two loaves of bread and five fishes on defense today and have the same outcome.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

MMMMMMM, grilled swordfish and garlic bread……

Wait, what was the conversation about?

blaxabbath

Corso was coach at LVille for 4 years? No wonder he isn’t being honored there; how many child rapists can you hide on your staff for just four years?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

I think Kirk should retire “touchdown saving tackle” for the game. LVille is still gonna score a td, they just need one more play.

blaxabbath

jinx

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

TOUCHDOWN SAVING CANKLE?

blaxabbath

Does FSU have an acting school? Apparently not because the students in this commercial are not selling it.

entropy

Hey yo. What’s shakin?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

The NFL as a whole does seem to have a dire lack of trophy-taking. Personally, I’d like to see someone walk on the field with a necklace made of ripped-out dreds.

Doktor Zymm

What’s the probability of the Jaguars moving to London in the next year or two? What’s the timeline on that?

blaxabbath

I think RAMIT to LA pushed the Jags move back.

Plus they need to tank. Thanks tough when their division is nothing but leaky tanks.

entropy

We’re probably gonna get a team in Vegas before London… but right after that Vegas horrorshow, London is probably within a year.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Maybe it’s that “Sackuars” doesn’t sound right….

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/184slzc9uvxf2gif/k-bigpic.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Sackuars implies competent defense

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Just a bit too short

blaxabbath

Kirk: “It’s everything for FSU. Line. Defense. Playmakers. Mental errors.”

Rex Ryan: “Yeah, FSU needs to can their O.C.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

Just think: That could be our Doktor Zymm getting face caked!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t think she has a Titans jersey; they are very rare.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

That just sounded all kinds of wrong.

...

I mean, “face caked” isn’t even a thing but you’re correct that it’s a gross thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

I like that when I checked Deadspin every one of the banner stories involves how Joe Paterno absolutely definitely knew about Sandusky diddling boys for decades and did nothing to stop it.

...

I’ll also copy a joke from some copying the same joke.

“I’m fine if they put the statue back, it just needs to be looking the other way.”

Geez Louisville is giving the Noles the business.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

#FSUShit

Let’s make this a thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

There’s an advanced analytics job open with the Jaguars. One one hand, I’m very qualified for it, and hey, NFL analytics job! On the other, it’s the Jaguars and I would have to move to Jacksonville and it would probably involve a pay cut, since sports jobs pay less than industry in general. Can’t hurt just to apply….right?

...

Would being struck by the debris from a meth lab explosion hurt you? Because that’s what would happen to you in Jacksonville.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Make sure they know you’re a chick. Being the first chick analytics person in the NFL would be something they’d advertise hard.

We could even make fun of you on the site then!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

I would get free tickets to home games, when available, which I’m guessing is always! Pool-related illness, here I come!

...

/frantically searches for Khan mouth-eyes photo with “Everybody in the pool” caption

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

In the listing they mention they have some sort of women in business program. But that is an interesting point…how hilarious would it be if I got a mention in MMQB?

theeWeeBabySeamus

You should do it.
Unless you want to stay in ChiTown (lol)
Then again….JAX (lol)

But if you do well, maybe the Redacteds would pick you up as an Analytics Expert to be named later on a trade foar Kirk Cousins. Then again…DC (lol).

Unsurprised

She has an impressive grip

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

That is….ow, my eyes

...

This is actually a required part of the job interview process.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Not many.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Um yeah, that’s a Cleveland gif.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Like I said.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Never been to Buffalo, so I can’t make that one….

http://cdn.fansided.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/229/files/2013/12/27.gif

blaxabbath

RG3 has completed more passes to the Eagles than Bradford has.

Doktor Zymm

Poor RG3