As an homage to the overused sports writing trope of “[X number] Burning, Itching, Throbbing Questions for [X Team/X Sport/X League]”, I present to you a list of questions that I, an uninformed and easily distracted NFL fan, had after Week 6. Did you miss me, fuckers? I didn’t think so. Anyway, for a point of reference, I watched about 20 minutes of Chiefs v. Raiders this week, and that was it. I mean, I had to unpack and do laundry after vacation, and those Halloween decorations are not going to hang themselves. They’re not Robin Williams. I am the reason NFL ratings are down, I guess.
1. Odell Beckham, Jr. sure is a huge dork for being such a good football player, right?
2. I mean, did anyone think that proposing to the kicking net was funny?
3. And that haircut is like Kid N’ Play dumb, isn’t it?
5. That is almost as bad as Russell Wilson googling compliments for his girlfriend?
6. Millennials sure do take themselves too seriously, don’t they?
7. Is over-generalizing about large groups of people usually a good idea and a great way to run a country?
8. So has Aaron Rodgers lost it, or is this a temporary, resolvable problem?
9. Good thing he isn’t a sensitive little flower, right?
10. Are you disappointed that Jose Bautista didn’t do anything to offend people / get punched in the face in the playoffs?
11. What’s the point of watching the Blue Jays baseball otherwise?
12. Do Canadians celebrate Halloween on October 31, or is it on some other, totally unrelated day, like September 25?
13. Do they apologize after they scare someone in a haunted house (i.e., BOO!! . . . Uh, sorry, guy.)?
14. That Canadian sympathy thing on Twitter about the election was really condescending, wasn’t it?
15. Should we be impressed that they elected the guy who draws “Doonesbury”?
16. So the [*Redacted] s’ name is racist and the Indians’ mascot is racist. Is anything about the Chiefs’ racist, besides their fans?
17. Would it be racist to wear Chiefs gear to protest the South Dakota pipeline?
18. How are the Cowboys going to fuck this up?
19. If American sports commissioners were Spice Girls, would Roger Goodell be Pumpkin Spice?
20. Is it appropriate to drink beer while taking kids trick-or-treating?
21. I went to a birthday party at a local community rec center for a 7 year-old around 4 p.m. on a Saturday, and one of the moms brought a re-usable water bottle full of beer. That’s probably not appropriate, is it?
22. What’s the most inappropriate place you have taken alcohol?
23. Will Mark Davis still drive his minivan from Vegas to Northern California to get his hair cut?
24. Does Mark Davis still eat paste?
25. Mark Davis is still a better owner than the McCaskeys, though, isn’t he?
18. Hi, have we met?
http://b-i.forbesimg.com/robertwood/files/2013/04/213×3001.jpg
http://s3.sillylikes.com/uploads/133919742201733.gif
Big Daddy Drew?
18. PRO TIP: It sure involves YEEHAWWWWW!!!!!!
20. Of course it’s appropriate! Shit, the last adult caravan I remember going on to shepherd our spawn (kids have been old enough to go solo for years now) had a full fucking bar we pulled along in a wagon. We DID keep a blanket over it, though.
22. A funeral, naturally. Flasks are awesome.
I have a question; just general philosophy, no relation to anything specific that I was involved in, witness to, encouraged someone to, or had any sensory involvement in whatsoever:
20.A. After drinking inappropriately at the kids’ activity is it also inappropriate for married (to different people) to swap spit/handjob/fingerblast in the associated pizza place parking lot while the kids and other parents are gorging themselves on greasy pizza and drinking gallons of HFCS laden Coca-Cola products?
http://media.giphy.com/media/QVz2K48PHrkC4/giphy.gif
My major objection is to the Coca Cola products. Do you know how much sugar/high fructose corn syrup is in those things!
18) Spectacularly and probably in the last game of the regular season
20. Get yourself a Camel-Bak and fill it with vodka. Enjoy class, er, the party
15. Should we be impressed that they elected the guy who draws “Doonesbury”?
I DON’T REMEMBER DRAWING DOONESBURY
http://dustincomics.com/files/2014/02/r-ROB-FORD-ONTARIO-LIBERALS-large570.jpg
12. Due to my chocolate allergy, I hate every holiday from Halloween to Mother’s Day.
14. I will personally volunteer to drive those smug bastards to the border so their Charter Rights can meet your 2nd Amendment.
19. He would be Lady Helena Richese-Atreides.
20. Based on my childhood, there is no other way.
22. During my graduation ceremony. Cracked a beer for me & the Dean.
I just don’t like chocolate. Egg nog, my friend. And pie.
Chocolate gives me migraines, but if the kiddies bring home 100 Grand bars, I will still gorge on them. Because stoopid.
A few years ago when I was still in California, there was an attorney who was recently fired by a firm who did some due diligence work for a transaction I was working on related to title to a ranch in the central valley that our client was buying. He was kind of a sloppy guy, hence the reason he got fired. However, the sellers needed him to come into a meeting and explain a few assumptions he made in an opinion letter so that we could close. He seemed a bit off in the meeting, and during the lunch break, I went in bathroom, and he was in locked stall mumbling to himself. I hear a loud clang, and look over to the floor of the stall. He had dropped his flask on the ground and vodka started spilling out on the floor. He only had to answer a few questions after lunch, so I never said anything to the sellers. I’ve never seen full on alcoholism on display like that before. It was somehow more pitiful and depressing than I thought it would be.
A designer who worked for our firm showed up regularly for work at 6:30 a.m. Somebody discovered he actually made it to the parking lot at about 6:00 a.m. had his rotgut, chewed some mints, then came in. He had a few chances at rehab, but it never took. Turns out his dad (also an alcoholic) beat the living shit out of him during his entire childhood. I think that is the worst case I have seen personally.
If anybody needs more cheering up; I’m here to help.
Thanks!
I went to a birthday party at a local community rec center for a 7 year-old around 4 p.m. on a Saturday, and one of the moms brought a re-usable water bottle full of beer. That’s probably not appropriate, is it?
Completely inappropriate; there’s no way you’re going to get drunk on ~20 oz. of beer. If you’re gonna go there a vodka/Gatorade blend would be your best bet.
Speaking of inappropriate, it’s really not right to talk about Jose Bautista without the accompanying visual imagery.
http://media.timeout.com/blogimages/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/marrow.gif
This is kind of homework for you all so you’ll actually get the joke if I do a Greg Zuerlein/Big Bang Theory mashup post sometime. His part starts at 0:55.
http://abc7.com/sports/rams-players-discuss-whats-on-their-music-playlist/1557833/
My parents used to make us go to Easter Vigil on Saturday night. (For you heathens, it’s a two-three hour Catholic mass that night before Easter Sunday that is almost as fun as having your balls sliced up by a sushi chef and served to you with wasabi.)
So my sister and I smuggled in miniatures in my sport coat. I would open one, pretend to cough, and drink. She was more respectful, and went to the bathroom to pound them down.
Ironic part: the incense they burn (which I love) killed the alcohol fumes.
I like you more and more every time you talk.
I did that (hidden miniatures of vodka in my camera bag) this whole past weekend while trapped in the mountains with geriatric family members. It was the only way someone wasn’t going to die. Sincerely.
Oh yeah. That Sábado de Gloria mass is the worst. I’d prefer stting through any Power Point presentation to that.
Here’s another great thing we did at that mass – gave my mother a Sour Warhead during mass. Her reaction was fucking hilarious. We got yelled at by my father after mass. We were 22 and 25.
If it’s anything like I’m picturing, Jesus himself would have giggled.
At least you didn’t go on Easter Sunday, right? I mean the whole point of the Vigil mass is that you get a free pass for the next day!
Yes. And I spent many Easter Sunday dinners hungover as shit. There is nothing worse than showing up at your parent’s house on Easter Sunday smelling like a bar that hosted a rugby party and wet t shirt contest.
I first read it as “Virgil”, and that reminded me of the “Sad Virgil” meme.
http://www.wrestlecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/virgil01.jpg
Although Sad Virgil Vigil sounds kinda catchy.
Also, I don’t miss religion.
20. It’s the only way. The ladyfriend and I took the niece and nephew with my sister, and we all had red solo cups.
21. I have a friend that brings margaritas to T-Ball practice. She’s a popular mom.
22. What’s the most inappropriate place you have taken alcohol?
In the butt, Bob.
(for reference)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XM5hbS7GlU
Mint Julip Enema!!
Relevant, kinda:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpLRS0RzKoY
10. Are you disappointed that Jose Bautista didn’t do anything to offend people / get punched in the face in the playoffs?
Short answer, yes.
Longer but not long answer, some of my favorite moments are watching Darren O’Day pitch to him. Those two hate each other.
21. Drinking alcohol is appropriate, unless in obvious situations (while operating machinery / on someone, or at a mosque).
22. District attorney’s courthouse parking space, where my then-infant daughter and I proceeded to set off fireworks.
In my prime trick or treating years, I lived in the Carson Valley in northern Nevada (another splash of detail for those of you looking to discover my TRUE IDENTITY). Oct 31 marked the Carson Valley Days celebration so all the kids went out on 10/30 for trick or treating. There were always some houses that opened the door when you showed up and the residents (usually older) would look all irritated and like, “what the fuck?” I didn’t understand back then that it wasn’t Halloween yet for these newcomers. So their homes got egged.
Probably explains the high turnover rate for new residents.
12. Halloween remains on the 31st, though the years where it snows 8+ inches on that night sometimes make shit tricky. That’s why we have to make costumes for the kids that will allow for a full snowsuit on underneath. (You think I’m being funny, but I’m actually being completely fucking serious. The number of pumpkin costumes I had as a tot with snowpants on underneath was way too goddamn high).
14. God damn, I might hate politically smug Canadians as much as you do. This Trudeau has some pretty hair and a smokin’ wife going for him and honestly not much else – he’s been pretty thin on the whole policy thing. Despite him not being Trump, we really don’t have much to bray about either.
21. Definitely not appropriate, but if the parents are forced to actively participate in party festivities somehow, then it’s excusable, at least.
22. I once brought a Camelbak of beer to a history lecture in college, as did a few buddies. The idea was that we were gonna take a sip every time the prof said “um” throughout – probably somewhere between 85-100 times. I made it through almost of all it (1.5 L) but ended up having to sprint out of the back row to puke in the bathroom across the hall from overdoing my sip sizes. I really, really do not recommend this game. (I think I actually did end up passing this class, but in truth I don’t think I could tell you shit about what we learned in it at all).
“overdoing my sip sizes”
Huuummmmmm.