Your “Which Apocalypse Do I Choose?” Election Night Open Thread

Note: I’m putting this together in bits, because I’ve been (voluntarily) seconded by the Ministry of Education for a couple of days to help them draft policy related to Adult & Alternative Education. Sorry if it’s a bit light and/or ranty.

NFL News:

Now these guys look competent.
Now these guys look competent.
  • It might only be Week 10, but I think we know which officiating crew won’t be working the playoffs this January.
  • Mike Zimmer admitted to trying out kickers on Monday.
    • Blair Walsh might need John Walsh’s help soon if he misses another field goal.
  • Chip Kelly reaffirmed Monday he has no interest in returning to college ball.
    • Meanwhile, at Arkansas, Bobby Petrino pours a nice merlot and reads his reviews…
  • Feeling untouchable again, Drew Brees took direct aim at NFL HQ for the reason behind declining ratings and popularity. Here’s the money quote:

“Listen, we as players want the best for this league. This league has so many great things to offer … and for a long time the fans were really enjoying it. And now it seems like that’s taken a hit. And it really feels like it’s been the culmination of the last few years and the way the business of football is being run in the front office. That’s the concerning part at this point for us.”

 


It’s Election Day! Finally, and thank God. This whole rant is written from the perspective of a Canadian wondering WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Before you start - not this.
Before you start – not this. The Canadian on his right agrees.

About 10 days ago, Horatio made a comment that “Hillary Clinton is the Cleveland Browns of politics. 2 yards from the end zone and she kicks the fucking ball through the back of the end zone.” I’m not wholly convinced of that, because I think her whole campaign has been trying to play prevent defence versus the ’07 Patriots. [Plus, the Weiner emails are just Plaxico shooting himself while wearing sweat pants.]

The level of Republican corruption in this election has been laughable, and on a par with most South Asian dictatorships. Voter suppression drives under the guise of ending voter fraud; limited early registration and advance polling; having to use courts to register eligible voters; political operatives in high positions (i.e. – head of the FBI) using legal technicalities to conduct investigations & sway voters; and, above all, a candidate constantly in second-place arguing his defeat invalidates the whole process, and millions believing him despite those same people saying Gore was a crybaby.

As a non-American, and a History/Poli Sci major, none of what I am watching makes any sense. Why she hasn’t run away with this is clearly a testament to her unlikeability. Sure, thanks to Nixon’s “Southern Strategy” she was never going to win places like Texas and Mississippi. But that she is having trouble in places like Wisconsin, Ohio & Pennslyvania boggle most non-American minds. Even Oregon is going to be tighter than most people probably expect.

I wouldn’t even argue it’s a double standard, because Elizabeth Warren doesn’t carry the same baggage. [BTW, I’m going to need someone, someday, to explain to me what the whole “Pocahontas” deal is between her and Trump.] She’s getting the grief that comes with being in public life for 30+ years, and having a partner that is Bill Clinton. Trump just appears to be Teflon because he’s been called it all before, but he’s Sebastian Shaw – the more you feed him, the stronger he gets.

Ronald Reagan once called the Soviet Union an “evil empire”, whereas Donald Trump talks about “[w]hat’s wrong with having Russia work with us, instead of always fighting, fighting?” People talk about how much America has changed in the last 30 years, and I’d agree. Having grown up in the Reagan era, those Republicans at least had standards – AIDS-denying, war-on-drugs, trickle-down economics standards, but standards. The people who evoke Reagan’s name these days must surely enjoy sharpening their knives on his spinning body.

Our current Prime Minister’s father once said,

“Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.”

There’s a bunch of trade deals up for negotiation in 2017, and everyone up here is quite nervous about with whom we’ll be negotiating & hoping it’s not the guy who routinely welches on paying his debts. To be fair, it’s also hard working around the fact that the President can sign a deal but the junior Senator from Montana can kill it  because he feels his state gets hurt. (See the Canada – EU CETA deal Wallonia almost killed.)

Exit polls have been rolling in all day. First actual results (I assume) start coming in at 8:00 Eastern, and then it’s a rolling cavalcade until Hawaii finishes democracy off well-past 2:00 AM.

Anyway, all Hail God-Emperor ________, and their Glorious New Regime!

Thanks. It feels good to get that off my chest & outta my head. Please – carry on.

Let’s all spend this evening breaking down the chaos. The Electoral College should be settled by 9:00 Pacific, but some Senate races will go deep into the evening. I’m going to want updates on your state’s craziest Proposition/Amendment, especially the porn one in California.


If you need a suggestion for tonight’s alcohol, I recommend one of the 2017 Whisky Bible “Malts of the Year”, the Koval Four Grain Whisky from Chicago’s Koval Distillery.

Hey Dok – they do tours!

Boy howdy, do we need sports tonight.

Tonight’s sports:

TOO BAD! ELECTION RESULTS OR NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Seriously, all the US national cable sports networks have nothing live scheduled.

  • ESPN is just doing Sportscenter or showing old college basketball
    • some schedules are showing ESPN2 having Western Michigan at Kent State at 7:30 ET, so pray for this
  • FS1 is showing its “Cancel Your Package” package of:
    • TMZ Sports
    • Speak for Yourself With Cowherd and Whitlock
    • Skip and Shannon: Undisputed
  • NBCSN is showing old World Series of Fighting episodes
  • USA has Smackdown!, the only live national event of the night.

There’s regional hockey & hoops action, but nothing we can enjoy together, unless you have NBA TV.

In Canada, even the goddamned NHL is in “regional broadcast only” mode, but at least we get

  • NBA:
    • 7:00 – Hawks vs. Cavs | Sportsnet1
    • 8:00 – Nuggets vs. Grizzlies | TSN
    • 10:30 – Mavericks vs. Lakers | TSN
    • 10:30 – Pelicans vs. Kings | Sportsnet1

Good luck following the results. Please be civil if discussing topics that divide. We are a dick-joke blog, not Stormfront or Jezebel.

In that vein, from me & Nic to all of you:

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Subscribe
Notify of
828 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
ALXMAC
Brocky

Congratulations third party voters! You did it again!

entropy

“Bernie should have run Independent!”

FUCK. YOU.

blaxabbath

If all the Hillary voters would have gone Stein….

Wait — no.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Eh, bullshit. That’s only assuming 3rd party voters would have all voted a certain way, and not gone 50/50.

Gratliff

Gary Johnson had far and away the most third party votes. I just don’t see those coming out of Clinton’s pool.

blaxabbath

“While the third-party vote wasn’t all that high tonight overall, an exception came among younger voters. According to the national exit poll, 9 percent of voters ages 18 to 29 went for third parties, as did 8 percent of voters ages 30 to 44.” -Nate Silver

Fozz’s millennial hate continues to grow….

LemonJello

Maddow is absolutely loosing her mind on air. Even Matthews is getting tired of her tantrums.

Gratliff

I still love this.
comment image

Croooow

Not joking or holding back here: I’m fucking terrified by the idea of President Trump. Really fucking scared.

Gratliff

I’m self-aware enough to know feeling like that is just giving into hyperbole, however I’m also scared enough to feel the exact same way.

WCS

comment image

Brocky

I’m terrified of hands on vice president Mike pence

Brocky

imagine:

1. The smugness of the patriots,
2. the undeserved reputation of the cowboys
3. the self-righteousness of the colts
4. the nostalgia of the packers

now imagine those as a modern political party.

that’s how I view republicans.

King Hippo

and they control EVERYTHING. Until we are all burned to a crisp. Which will, in fairness, be sooner rather than later.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I blame Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Gratliff

Fuck it. Let’s see what the idiot cheeto can do.

King Hippo

More topical tonight than ever:

Do you really want to live forever?

ALXMAC
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I guess it’s promotions and kickbacks to all the management at the FBI.

Redshirt

Trump is now winning Pennsylvania?!

Oh, fuck you, Steeler Nation!

WCS

Yes, but, only 25% of Allegheny County is in, and still 20% from Philadelphia yet to be counted.

Gratliff

As a big fan of Philadelphia, expect it to disappoint you.

blaxabbath

I knew Sill was a Trump plant! Notice how he vanished just before the election???

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

🙁

Redshirt

THIS 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, I CALL IT CREED-BALBOA I BECAUSE THE MORE EXPERIENCED FAVORITE DIDN’T TAKE THEIR OPPONENT SERIOUSLY AND IT EVENTUALLY LET TO THEIR DEFEAT!

ThePirateSloth

Canadas immigration website just crashed

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is banner material…. until this website gets taken down for being critical of Trump.

ThePirateSloth

No seriously, it crashed.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

NEVAR! We’re here for the duration. We just may be darkweb or get hacked by the Russkies.

laserguru

This way to freedom!

laserguru

In California the measure to legalize has a 56% to 44% YES vote!

C’mon everybody! Let’s go get high!

Redshirt

Basically, the Democrats will have to find 50,000 votes in Detroit and win Alaska.

We’re screwed.

Duchess

Big winners tonight Russia…

LemonJello

After all the hard work they put into this election, they deserve some kudos.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

I’m going to bed. Love you guys, we’ve gotta stick together in our crevice of sanity. But everyone else:

http://66.media.tumblr.com/c42d1a5daf241ca140973011ca433d81/tumblr_mrlg5hDO3g1qaj0h3o8_250.gif

entropy

We have sanity?

LemonJello

Compared to the majority of our fellow citizens? Yes.

nomonkeyfun

The most terrifying thought of the evening.

LemonJello

I do what I can.

Sharkbait

Im out. Goodnight, and good luck.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Duchess

Maybe Donald does a 180 when elected?

blaxabbath

I hope his ego is so large that he insists on being the greatest President of all time.

But, then again, I thought Hillary was gonna win so who knows?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Just to recap: Curt Schilling is having a great night, and journalism is dying.

AMERICA!

blaxabbath

Hey!

Don’t blame the death of journalism on Trump.

blaxabbath

The question now is, will Trump keep his promise and put Hillary in prison? Because if he balks on that, he’s a one term executive.

Duchess

I feel like I am watching the Empire Strikes back

Redshirt

This HilliBob-crat Schadenfeude is still delicious.

WCS

That’s great and all, but, it’s the same as being happy you survived a heart attack, but, have terminal brain cancer.

LemonJello

How’d you get the latest picture of Congress already?

Spur

Am out. Be safe. At least we have each other.

Porky Prime

Hey, it’s a pretty close election still, and Trump said he wouldn’t trust the results, right?

Redshirt

Michigan, if you save us, I will make “Hail the Victors” my cell phone ringtone.

Porky Prime

I will make it my car horn.

blaxabbath

So……will any of you ever see a woman president?

Porky Prime

We may have to settle for having seen a first lady’s tits.

nomonkeyfun

Duckworth 2020?

blaxabbath

That’s smart. Trump would totally bite on calling her “No Legs”.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ok I think it’s time to go home and rewatch Idiocracy

Porky Prime

We don’t have to see it, BFC. We live it.

Spur

If over half the country would rather have Trump over you, you must not be a very good candidate.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Or your opponent is the world’s greatest con artist.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or you could just look at a fucking Bell curve.

Redshirt

Come on Election Fraud! Save us Fraud!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, you can add two votes to a write in then.

Porky Prime

comment image

Sharkbait

That is scary accurate.

ALXMAC
Porky Prime

The press corps should have a lot of fun screening their questions and signing non-disclosure waivers for the next four years.

LemonJello

Maddow, WIlliams and Matthews just sound beaten at this point.

Redshirt

CNN Map Guy is trying to flip New Hampshire blue by sheer will of power.

Sharkbait

comment image

Duchess

What the Fuck is happening here?

LemonJello

The end days? As it was written in the old prophecies?

http://cdn.rsvlts.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/skelfeat.jpg

LemonJello

How fucking drunk is Guiliani right now?

blaxabbath

BAC 9.11%

ThePirateSloth

Welp, time to download that Canadian Dating app, “You, Eh?” and find myself a wife or husband(not ruling anyone out here) in Canadaland.