Your Late Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Of the six games on tap five have playoff implications-even if it’s just a matter of who plays who where. I’m always curious if a team that has no skin in the game (N.O., Denver, S.D. etc.) shows up to play. Trying to win is ingrained in the membrane (Cleveland excepted) but sometimes squads seem to just go through the motions during the last tilt of the year. TO THE GAMES!

NO/Atl– The Falcs need this win so they can get a first round bye and the #2 seed in the NFC. Qb Brees just needs about one quarter or 148 yards-whichever comes first-to get to 5,000 passing yards passing for the fifth time. The Saints D is looking to avoid the very likely prospect of being embarrassed yet again. I don’t care how high it is, take the over.

NYG/Was– Ye olde ‘Dacteds are dancing the Win And Get In Jig while the Giants are locked into the #5 seed no matter the outcome. If they lose I’ll be bang on about their record for the second year in a row in the pre-season predictions. [hesitates for a moment] No… no, I won’t be hoping they lose just so I can brag to invisible buddies. No.

Ari/LA– Pour some out (not too much!) for Aaron Donald and David Johnson-two phenomenally-gifted fellers that aren’t getting very much help from the other side of the ball this year.

Oak/Den– Thanks to an injury to Carr, Professor Frink expletive McGloin will be playing the lead role in “Deer In The Headlights” today vs. the Broncs D. Such a fine year by Oakland wasted. Wasted-reminds me of my youth and my plans for this afternoon.

KC/SD– I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again-the Chiefs are the most boring 11-win team in the all of ever. Anyway, allow me to unpack the “What’s At Stake Bowl”. Okay-[Andy Reid breaks through 4th wall] Steak bowl? A bowl made entirely of steak? What would you put in it aside from mashed potatoes, gravy, cornbread, bacon-wrapped sausages, more steak, a fried egg and a chocolate waterfall? Go on, I’m listening. [wipes saliva from mouth] Uhhh, where was I? Right. A Chiefs win and the likely Raiders loss gets them the 2 seed in the AFC.

Sea/SF– One team is playing for playoff seeding and the other for draft seeding. Can you figure out which one is which? If you’re able to do that, HC Carroll is more than interested in your theories of World Trade Center Building #7.

GO GET ‘EM, RAPSCALLIONS!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
309 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
rockingdog

is that related to, like, optical illusions?
comment image

Big Black Richard

I watched My Sex Robot this morning. I blame you people.

Yeah, I said “you people.” No microaggression intended.

Doktor Zymm

You have your own sex robot? No shame in watching that in the morning.

Horatio Cornblower

If I had a sex robot I’d probably keep a pretty close eye on it too.

blaxabbath

Cardinals/Rams seem like the correct opening act for people who will be at the Rose Bowl game tomorrow.

rockingdog

Live look in at the Q for chargers vs chiefs. lots of Red….
comment image

blaxabbath

This looks like a pretty accurate representation of the US populous on election day. (Spoiler: most people just stay home)

Horatio Cornblower

All of the Chargers fan dressed as empty seats.

The Maestro

Howdy, folks. I’ve missed you all. Hope it’s been a good week. Happy New Year.

blaxabbath

Just turned on the ARI/TRAVELIN’ game to come back from a commercial break and some little boy ate his own booger.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Hey, did that look almost interes-

Oh. M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong.

No. Thank you anyway, but just….no.

ThePirateSloth

I’m gonna give it a shot because of McAvoy, but I’m not going in with high hopes.

Horatio Cornblower

Calling it now the girl he takes hostage is one of his 23 personalities.

I may or may not be right about that, (I have no information, just too much experience with his stupid twist endings), but I am definitely right when I say I will not be paying any money to find out.

JustStopDude

Watching the [*Redacted] s-Giants game on a internet stream even though I could watch the local channel.

Its a German feed and the play by play makes more sense than the typical Fox idiots. Also the commercials are hilarious.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I took a nap, what’d I miss?
/looks as early final scores
//goes back to sleep

Big Black Richard

God, the Saints’ defense is weaker than my bank account.

King Hippo

Jared Goff tackles about as well as Buster Bluth. Post loose seal incident.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Banner

Sharkbait

I’m waiting for this to follow the first episode of The Mick:

http://alexanderlozada.com/iasip/?IlN3ZWV0IERlZSBHZXRzIENhbmNlbGxlZCI=

Horatio Cornblower

Six weeks.

Take the under.

JustStopDude

CBS sucks at doing TV shows, but damn can they troll…

comment image

King Hippo

“opportunities for advancement”

Unsurprised

Weakness: Everything

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Antonio Gates. He’s really fucking good.

comment image

Come on and get that man the record today, Bolts.

King Hippo

yeah, fuck Tony Gonzalez

fleshwound_NPG

McAdoo high-fiving Mini McAdoo gotta require McAdoo to get on the local pedo list*

* if he already wasn’t there

ThePirateSloth

It’s hailing at my house. Tiny hail, but the sun is shining too. It’s pouring as well.

GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH

Doktor Zymm

It’s not a myth, it’s just NOT HAPPENING FAST ENOUGH.

Excuse me while I go light some hairspray on fire.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Zymm gets it.

Unsurprised

She always can

Big Black Richard

Was that tiny hail? I would’ve sworn it was big snow.

King Hippo

1st day of 2017 and the best offensive player in the league is ded. See, told ya it could get worser

King Hippo

ATL coming off the bye. They should be good for a 3-score loss.

JustStopDude

I’ve been to NA meetings that had more energy and positive vibes than this Browns post game conference.

Unsurprised
Brick Meathook

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Giants getting points is bad. But only field goal is good. If I was a coach, I would probably almost never kick. Kicking is for spineless assholes. Pffft.

Unsurprised
Shogun Marcus

Your philosophy mirrors how I played Madden when I was younger. ALL TEH FAKES!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Maybe converting D-linemen, tight ends, and the local paper boy to offensive linemen isn’t such a great idea…?

comment image

King Hippo

but how else will you prove you are the smartest kid on the block/know the Jews did 9-11??

King Hippo

goddamnit, Donks. Where was this “giving a shit” when it could have helped someone other than the goddamned Chefs and P*ts??

Unsurprised

“PUTTING ON PANTS THIS MORNING TOO QUICKLY, SCROTAL BRUISE”
http://adequateman.deadspin.com/what-horrible-things-did-we-do-to-our-penises-last-year-1790335656

This is why DFO lobbies so hard against pants.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Alright Chargers, what kind of “You’re leaving me for a soulless, rich old man” breakup sex are we having? Will it be passonate, everything we always talked about doing, or are you just gonna dead fish and phone it in?

Unsurprised

$10 on dead fish

ThePirateSloth

Lookit that sold out crowd in Santa Clara!

JustStopDude

And the Browns start the new year on the right foot….

evilbeaver8

Why is it NFL announcers have started referring to points a team scores consecutively as “unanswered points” even if the other team eventually scores additional points?

King Hippo

whereforth art all our Boltmen! today?

JustStopDude

The AFC North should be relegated…just toss all four teams into the Big East until they stop being bad…

Spanky Datass

1-14-1 would be a very special Factory season record for the Brown-Notes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The announcer just referred to Landry Jones as “Jarvis Landry”.

ThePirateSloth

YAY I get to spend my lazy afternoon listening to the soothing sounds of Brady Quinn.

herodotus450

I can’t wait until the end of this kids “Romeo and Juliet” production

JustStopDude

The Cleveland tanking is very subtle….but effective.

2nd and goal on the 2. Managed to complete a pass for a -14 yard loss.

YOU CAN’T TEACH THAT SHIT SON!!!!

King Hippo

This would be pretty remarkable. 9 minute FG drive to start OT. But I bet Tomlin takes a knee when they get the ball back…

laserguru

Got my vittles on the griddles.
Love this meal I’m making.

Unsurprised

Cocktease

laserguru

Why is Terry Bradshaw?

Why?

evilbeaver8

Terry Bradshaw is because two Louisiana opposum cousins fell in love and had sex that union produced a son.

rockingdog

comment image

Sharkbait

First time I’ve seen a pedostache on a child.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Holy shit Cleveland.

Unsurprised

City of Cleveland’s new tourism motto

evilbeaver8

“Pagano uses one of those timeouts (with dramatic emphasis) to STOP THE CLOCK”
-Solomon Wilcotts, providing incredible insight into the mysterious and little understood timeout.

Unsurprised

The networks are really bringing their A game today

Unsurprised

Oh, come the fuck on!

I get the county libraries are closed, but even the Multnomah Whiskey Library is closed today for the holiday!

Sharkbait

That’s unfortunate.

Big Black Richard

What’s shakin’, chickenheads?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey! Happy new year, man! Great to see you!

Unsurprised

Howdy.

Aren’t you one of the Portland DFOers?

laserguru

Greetings Mr. BBR!
Been awhile.

Happy New Year to you and the family.

Brick Meathook

comment image

rockingdog

comment image

Brocky

look at those young viking fans

Poor little bastards don’t know what they’re getting into

Brocky

Lol that wasn’t supposed to be a reply

Unsurprised

Looking good, bro

1 2 3 4