Your “What Is Done Cannot Be Now Amended” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • And the first NFL off-season arrest / Crimebeat! story of 2017 goes to… Adam “Pac Man” Jones!
    • Sorry to those of you who had Vontaze Burfict in your pool. So close!
    • “Assault, disorderly conduct, obstructing official business, and something called ‘harassment with a bodily substance,’ a charge which was brought against him after he allegedly spit on a nurse at the jail.” (Deadspin)
      • he may have also headbutted a cop. CHUH CHUH!
    • “His bond was set at $37,500, and the Hamilton County sheriff’s office said Jones will remain jailed until a blood test can be performed Wednesday.” (ESPN)
    • “If this is anyone but Beerguyrob, you’re stealing my bit!” (TRREM)
  • Sounds like punchable-face owner Jed York has hit on a winning formula – dismissive passive-aggression!
    • “I own this football team. You don’t dismiss owners,” he said, conveniently forgetting he wouldn’t be in this position if Uncle Eddie hadn’t run afoul of the wrong people.
    • On the mess-he-made front, San Francisco has requested to interview Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels and director of player personnel Nick Caserio, because they’re looking to hire a tandem that can work well together.
      • Also because Christy Canyon & Amber Lynn haven’t worked around football players in at least a decade.
    • It reminds me of Shakespeare:

Now is the winter of our discontent;
Vainglorious destruction by this son of York.

  • Speaking of teams that need both a starting QB and a head coach, the Bills are going to interview Frank Reich for their head coaching vacancy.
    • Other names on the Bills short list are interim coach Anthony Lynn, Arizona Cardinals offensive coordinator Harold Goodwin and Carolina Panthers defensive coordinator Sean McDermott
    • Reich previously interviewed in 2015, but lost the job to Rex Ryan.
      • With Rex gone, he can now safely get one foot in the door.
  • On the Rex front, it appears he got fired when he did because he asked the owner directly if he’d be back next year.
    • During a usual weekly conference call with Ryan, owner Terry Pegula and GM Doug Whaley, Rex asked to speak privately with Pegula. Whaley left the call, and when he contacted Pegula later he was informed by Pegula that Ryan was gone.
  • macho-manThe Texans have announced that Brock the Rock will start against the Raiders on Saturday.
    • Because Tom Savage is in concussion protocol and probably thinks he is the Macho Man.
  • Blake Bortles has “no idea” if the Jaguras will activate his fifth-year contract option for 2017.
    • Based on his 2016 play, he should fumble it at the NFL Annual Meeting in March and see if anyone will recover it.

Finally, the 2017 Opponents lists were released. Due to my season ticket status, and because I like to share the misery, here’s who the Seahawks get next season / what I’ll be subjected to watching:

  • Home: Arizona Cardinals, Los Angeles Rams, San Francisco 49ers, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington [Redacteds], Houston Oilers Texans (?), Indianapolis Colts, Atlanta Falcons
  • Away: Arizona Cardinals, Los Angeles Rams, San Francisco 49ers, Dallas Cowboys, New York Giants, Jacksonville Jaguars, Tennessee Titans, Green Bay Packers

Boy, there’s incentive to hold onto my seats – the “best” of the AFC South and the worst of the NFC East. I think I might be able to convince my wife to vacation in Phoenix, New York or Appleton. If there’s no protest outside the stadium when Washington comes to town, Seattle’s changed, man!

They should at least finish 6-2 at home & 4-4 on the road, so 10-6 is the NFC West record to beat for 2017.

Have a gander for your favourite team.


A new year brings new tastes. This month’s “Malt of the Month” is Tomintoul 16 Year Old. It’s a Speyside Glenlivet, so it won’t feel like you’re drinking charcoal from a bog fire. Tomintoul is “a young distillery in Scottish terms, only built in 1964 by whisky-broking companies Haig & Macleod and W&S Strong”.

Let’s take a look at your vitals, Miss January:

Known as ‘the gentle dram’. Aged in bourbon casks, it’s rich, nutty and spicy with notes of almonds, vanilla and a buttery texture. The distillery may be one of Speyside’s lesser-known producers, but it produces some cracking whiskies such as this which offer great value for money.

Not my particular taste – a Lowland fan m’self – but it might appeal to a discerning palate.


Tonight’s sports: (national broadcasts only)

NO FOOTBALL ANYWHERE?! Oh BLEERGH, why has’t thou forsaken us?

  • NHL:
    • Sabres at Rangers – 7:00PM | NBCSN
    • Kings at Sharks – 10:00PM | NBCSN
  • Basketball:
    • NBA: Raptors at Spurs – 8:30 | Sportsnet
    • College:
      • Wisconsin at Indiana – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
      • North Carolina at Clemson – 7:00PM | ESPN2
      • Mississippi at Florida – 7:00PM | ESPNU
      • Texas A&M at Kentucky – 9:00PM | ESPN / TSN
      • Kansas State at Kansas – 9:00PM | ESPN2
      • Oklahoma at TCU – 9:00PM | ESPNU

Here’s how Jed sees himself:

“My conscience hath a thousand several tongues,
And every tongue brings in a several tale,
And every tale condemns me for a villain.”

I prefer to think of a different quote for Jed from Richard III:

“…I clothe my naked villany
With odd old ends stolen out of Holy Writ;
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil.”

I never thought I’d feel bad for Niners fans.

NEVER MIND!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Unsurprised

God fucking shit

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Hi

Mr. Ayo
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Mr. Ayo

Is that BOLTMAN at 0:57?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

His first attempt

Mr. Ayo

Wow, the BOLTMAN origin story was written, produced, and filmed 21 years ago.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The video is 40 years old. He had Ryan Reynolds levels of determination to get it made

Mr. Ayo

How deep does this rabbit hole go?

Wait, what’s that smell? And the whirring noise? Is it getting louder? Did the lights just flicker? What’s happening here?

BRB

laserguru

I’ll jump on the Bowie train.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFDj3shXvco

Finished one day of work now it’s two days off for a San Diego trip.
Hey, I’m working on Friday!

Gonna visit the kiddo and the new grandbaby.

Cool story time: One of my nieces was researching the family history and my mom’s dad, who was pretty much 100% Choctaw and was orphaned at the age of 9 was orphaned for a good reason. His dad, I guess that would be my great granddad on my mother’s side was killed in a gunfight at the age of 40.

My niece is going to send the news story tomorrow but any time you have a great granddad that was killed in a gun fight should make for a festive family story.

On my daddy’s side my great grandmother was Cherokee, on my grandaddy’s side.

Grandmommy’s side actually was named “West” and are responsible for founding West Point.
Not the school, the land that it’s built on.

If I can get my grandfather’s census number I actually have enough blood to open a casino on tribal land.

Which is nice.

laserguru

I agree.

It basically means my grandparents were a Johnny Cash song and I can live with that.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I very obviously have some Indian blood based on genetic factors and I’ve met my grandma, and some of my cousins got scholarships that way. But my family tried to hide it so much I just have rumor about who my great grand dad is. From what my dad has found out looking up our ancestory he was a drunk that left/was forced out after knocking up my great grandmother

laserguru

We may be related.

My Irish ancestors had a thing for the native ladies.

Once again the family joke that means half of me wants to drink and the other half doesn’t want to pay for it.

laserguru

Yeah but was your father given a dishonorable discharge from the Navy during WWII for propositioning a Navy captain and getting his jaw broke?

Me neither.

Stupid question.
Strike that.

Actually on second thought the comment will stand.

laserguru

Hey Beer Guy Rob, since you’re still in the house, can you shed any light on the story from Drew’s Funbag today that some people actually eat the shells of peanuts in the shell?

Because that freaked out my sensibilities.

laserguru

I wanted to expand on the peanuts in the shell versus the shelled peanuts because I honestly think that there are more distinct flavors from peanuts in the shell.

Now look at this chart! I have isolated 13 distinct peanuts in the shell flavors. You have a slightly meatier peanut, a peanut with an ammonia taste, a peanut with a slightly burnt but still palatable taste, a peanut that is perfect and the occasional peanut that has been burnt by the sun.

What you DON’T have is some crazy motherfucker eating a peanut in the shell like he’s fucking Dumbo or some kind of elephant.

Fuck that!

JerBear50

My dad’s mother’s side are all Hatfields from W.V, of the feud variety. Also have a great, great something or another, Sid Hatfield, who was a sheriff killed by the Baldwin-Felts agency during the coal wars. He was played by David Strathairn in the John Sayle’s movie “Matewan.”

laserguru

Very cool.

This is my Uncle Marty.

2nd uncle but still related and considering my Dads family were all from Texas makes a ton of sense.

When we were kids he sent Christmas cards.

JerBear50

Oh yeah, forgot you started out as a Texan. Was your niece able to turn up much detail about the gunfight?

laserguru

I don’t have the details yet but I hope he was one of the characters in Blood Meridian because that would explain a lot.

JerBear50

I just re-read The Road last week. I hope he get’s that new one out that he’s working on before he dies. I also hope James Franco stops buying the rights to his books.

laserguru

Include the link next time dumbass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zBzZJd-nfw

JerBear50

Oh shit, Marty Robbins is your uncle? Man that guy had a fucking voice.

laserguru

He was at that.

JerBear50

I grew up on a lot of that stuff from my dad, both the cowboy stuff and old western swing. Robbins, Sons of the Pioneers, Bob Wills, etc.

laserguru

Still carry the birthright to this day.

JerBear50

A little stretch from the topic, but I read somewhere that Mike Cooley from the Drive By Truckers is the grandson of Spade Cooley. Despite the musical heritage I guess it doesn’t get mentioned much because of the whole murderer thing.

Unsurprised

I know a guy who offered to do my genealogy because that’s his passion/interest (and he’s not even LDS). Your joke is the only reason I’d want him to do it.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am off to watch A Knight’s Tale. It was inevitable from the time I went with Golden Years as my first Bowie song. Fuck you it is a great movie with an awesome cast. Heath Ledger, Mark Addy, Paul Bettany and Alan Tudyk

JerBear50

Have a good one, man.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
BrettFavresColonoscopy
JerBear50

Any remaining hope I held onto died along with the naming of his cabinet.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Bowie again with a song that was sampled in a ton of 90’s rap songs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4d7Wp9kKjA

JerBear50

Any time I hear that bass line in a bar, I pray it’s gonna be Bowie. It’s usually not Bowie.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You don’t like this guy?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFLGRidfFo4

JerBear50

Nor do I like the asshole millennials that sing along with it. That’s the downside of craft beer bars. That and a lack of pool tables. You can shove your giant connect four and jenga up your ass.

JerBear50

Just to clarify, that “your” was collective and not directed at you.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Wow, it really is dead tonight. Bowie for no reason

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKUy6ygUgP0

JerBear50

I stuck with At Midnight for awhile but it was just making me mad. I can only watch a 40-something man talk like a 20 yr old blogger for so long before the funny no longer balances out the disgusting.

JerBear50

Talking Dead is rarely worth watching so I pretty much gave up on that too. When one of the cast members is on they’re not allowed to talk about shit and I don’t often care to see the other guests. Although the Marilyn Manson meltdown was trainwreck-amusing.

JustStopDude

So….another Resident Evil movie…because we are idiots.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I watched the first one and maybe the first sequal. The only redeeming factor is it stars Leeloo. Which is also the namesake of my sisters old car that is now the one my dad drives

sunrisesunrise

I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Chargers will go 3-13. I will not watch any of the games and I will be happier for it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Seems quiet around here. Is there a party somewhere without me?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I’m around. Nobody else was posting and I am just watching Bones even though it has gotten bad over the last few …. or all, seasons. I am a completionist with TV shows I have watched for years that have a definite end date.

JerBear50

Yes, but your mom says not to tell you.

JustStopDude

Is there anything more majestic than the morning smoke meandering into Beijing?

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ballsofsteelandfury

Wow! You actually got a bit of blue in there!

When I was there, the sky was a mixture of grey and yellow. The entire four days I was there.

litre_cola

Really cheap flight from Western Canadia to Beijing right now. Their sky is as fresh as our mountain air right?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

@BGR If you actually do make the trip to Appleton I better get a call.

Shogun Marcus

I also demand notification.

litre_cola

Ahoy folks. How the fuck you doin?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not worth a shit.
How ’bout you????

litre_cola

Really fuckin cold, and fucking tired with a little bit of stoned.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just a little bit?
Hell, I’m baked as fuck.

litre_cola

Yeah, was rationing my brownies only had a couple left, then BAM! The brother in law sent me 2 lbs of cannibutter in the mail, extra strong. Got me some baking to do this weekend. Literally.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Kudos to you then, i guess.

litre_cola

He makes the butter so strong I have had to cut back on the dosage as 1 cookie was almost like LSD with my first batch. I did a whole lot of gapping out mid conversations with that batch.

blaxabbath

You guys are awesome. #DrugsFO

JerBear50

Chip Kelly has already reached out to Bills management to offer his services to the cause of a Reich resurgence.

LemonJello

Can you imagine der furher that would cause?

JerBear50

London is already getting nervous that they might not leave after their game. They’re worried about the Jags doing the same thing, but for vastly different reasons.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I visited Tomintoul on my Scotland trip/distillerycation. They do tours by appointment only with the distillery manager rather than a 20something tour guide. He was hilarious and literally spat on the ground if anyone brought up Diageo. Good times.

JerBear50

Sure he might have been the manager, but how ironic was his facial hair?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Air Coryell has (FINALLY) been considered as a HoF Finalist.

While it’s not the greatest snub in the sport, the fact that TONY FUCKING DUNGEY made it in before him has been a constant rage inducer for the past year.

http://img.pandawhale.com/76340-Bryan-Cranston-staring-down-Wa-9xmV.gif

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well they couldn’t leave another Dungy hanging.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Bravo

rockingdog

Hey. Imagine Dainel Plainview not as an oil prospector but as a sex line operator. That would be funny.

rockingdog

The main character in the movie There Will Be Blood.

Unsurprised

That’s a Patton Oswalt bit.

Unsurprised
Sharkbait
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OR they ruin a good drinking session.

http://media.giphy.com/media/GVS2thIY8oaWc/giphy.gif

Sharkbait

Take 2:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Slow down there, speedy

rockingdog

E.T. 2: Ghosts Can’t Play Basketball
written by some comedians. Tonights reading for me. and you?
This is so stupid….

blaxabbath

Looks funny.

But you read it so I don’t have to.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s only Tuesday……fuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, maybe we can enjoy the clowns.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog
rockingdog

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

I’m a Cardinals fan and even I hate what Jed York has done to the 49ers. He’s a fucking cuck. I’m going to research weird Alt-Right lingo just so I can do a post about him at a dinner party while everyone is banging his date and uploading the videos of it to his phone.

What a piece of shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Boooooo

JustStopDude

18 pack of beers and intervention is on the tv…whooooo come up smack heads…make me feel better about myself!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Prolly shoulda waited ’til I left work.

Unsurprised

Nonsense

theeWeeBabySeamus

goddammit clemson

rockingdog

Heads up. I think you can get Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Netflix now…

Sharkbait

You may have just made my night.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Is it back on? I’ve been on the HULU episodes and have run out!

Sharkbait

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

She’s ready

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DISORIENTED! WOULD BANG!!

rockingdog
rockingdog

Is it spanish? like Dali?
or Italian? Or Russian?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was gonna say “Italian, duh” but then I noticed he has yellow J’s on his hands and a Phantom Menace-style comically oversized nose, so now I’m not so sure anymore. I knew something didn’t sit right with me about Mario’s style of celebrating…
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Gypsy mix.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

Gypsy is a good guess…. never thought of that. Thanks

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I was joking, but Gypsy communities are good at making their own booze, so it’s good to go.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Quest for Six” sounds like that time my friends in middle school convinced me that Jenna Von Oy had done a spread in Playboy and it was the greatest thing ever and I should totally shoplift it from the drugstore if I wanted to see it.

Sharkbait

Ice Giants doing their best 49ers impression vs the Ice Bills.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If Frank Reich’s bachelor party was called anything other than “Reichstag” I’m going to be horribly disappointed.

Unsurprised

Banner quote

Sharkbait

I imagine they all got blitzed

/shows self out

rockingdog

I 2nd this.

rockingdog

Great fake name: Richard “Dick” Hammer
Future Potential Dog Name: Bark Obama

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“?w=335&h=225 “!!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

I, for one, am really happy the Niners are such a fucking mess. I really hate that team.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Inorite?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Thank you, Clemson (words I never expected to say, btw).
I don’t expect it to last, but for one half you’ve given me a glimmer of hope.

Unsurprised

I feel like I’m being cheated on when I see some of you commenting on Deadspin. Because I’m a dick.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, who gets anal and who gets regular?

Unsurprised

You can only ask Ufford about anal on SBNation.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/raises hand

ballsofsteelandfury

Do you need to go to the bathroom?

Unsurprised

After all that anal, I doubt it

Spanky Datass

I’m not gonna name names but while searching for some old stuff I landed on SUXROXXXXX and saw a DFOer commenting there. I need a shower and updated vaccines.

ballsofsteelandfury

Out that person so that we may mock him or her!!

Spanky Datass

But … snitches get stitches?

ballsofsteelandfury

Snitches get to NOT watch the new Ice Cube movie?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yes, but you were only in there asking for direction on how to get away from there, right?

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Spanky Datass
rockingdog

Found this. Christian Ponder has thoughts on 49ers Locker Room, among other things…..http://www.ninersnation.com/2017/1/3/14150510/christian-ponder-49ers-locker-room

rockingdog

Scottish Whisky. Cool!

rockingdog

Scottish Vodka…. Cool??

Unsurprised

‘Sup, fuckos?
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LemonJello

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Just staring into the abyss, you?

rockingdog

Quest for 6?
What does that even mean?

Spanky Datass

The Farty-Niners have five Superb Owls, six makes a murder … no wait, that’s crows.

Unsurprised

A murder of crows. A conspiracy of Ravens. Yep, sounds about right.

LemonJello