I was tempted to just type, “I HATE THE FUCKING PATRIOTS! forty times to just get to 200 words. But I forced myself to look at why, exactly, I hate the Patriots so, so much. So I tried to remember their history. Please forgive the length of the journey.
It’s hard to remember a time when people didn’t actively hate the Patriots.
For a long time, they were little more than an afterthought in the AFC East. Prior to the 1980s, they had only made the playoffs three times since 1961. Casual NFL fans only heard about them because Jack Tatum crippled Darryl Stingley.
They went to their first Super Bowl in 1985 and promptly got walloped by the Bears. Most people remember that game because of Buddy Ryan’s defence, and that Ditka didn’t get Walter Payton a touchdown but gave one to The Fridge.
They went to their second Super Bowl in 1997, but got Favre’d because they didn’t think kicking to Desmond Howard was a bad idea.
Even their first Super Bowl wasn’t exactly a “bad thing”, unless you are from St. Louis (sorry Internet Dad), because they promptly went 9-7 and missed the playoffs the next year.
But a funny thing happened on the way to obscurity. They won the Super Bowl in 2003, finishing 14-2 and knocking off the Titans, Colts & Panthers minimalist fashion. Boston got a parade.
Then the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, ending “The Curse”™. More than just New Englanders were happy, because most sports fans enjoy the end of a pathetic streak. Because the Sox beat the Cardinals, even Chicagoans who remembered DA BEARS! could enjoy this victory (something they would eventually savor in 2005 & 2016). As such, Boston got a giant parade.
The Patriots followed along and finished the 2004 season 14-2 again, and won another Super Bowl – this time versus the Eagles. Boston got another parade, and people there started talking actively about a “dynasty”.
And from that talk of dynasty grew a sense of entitlement, among the fans and the team. That is was their destiny to be on top; divine right had gifted New England this talented coach & quarterback, through whose sheer intellect and talent. The media obliged with obsequious coverage, and continued success created a bandwagon of fans.
And here’s where admiration can give way to hate.
Proverbs 16:18 states that “Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.” In modern, secular English, we call that 2007 and “Spygate“.
FINALLY, Pats haters had proof that nothing New England won was deserved. And it rationalized all sorts of visuals.
But there seemed to be no karmic retribution. Either God favoured the Patriots, or the deal the devil made with Bob Kraft was absolute.
However, in 2008, Tom Brady was hurt in the first week of the season, tearing two ligaments in his knees. This effectively cost the Patriots the 2008 season, the last time they missed the playoffs, and seemed to be the payback most haters were seeking.
But what did the Patriots and their fans do? Why, they doubled-down on the hate, now casting themselves as victims,
which served to only increase the hate towards the Patriots and their fans.
But the hate for the Patriots seemed validated by the fact that between 2005-2013, they never advanced beyond the Conference finals. It made their fans mad, which gave the haters joy, because the sense of dynastic entitlement was being tempered by the fans’ and team’s own arrogance. The coach, always aloof & irritable, became seen as an obsessive control freak; the “Patriot Way” became a byword for manic attention to detail, scrutiny of rules & regulation for advantage, and summary dismissal for failure to abide an unwritten code.
But what about my hate?
I’m not ashamed to say I enjoyed the Patriots first Super Bowl victory, mostly because it was a good ending to the game. (Again, sorry Internet Dad.) I really enjoyed them beating the Eagles, because life should forever fuck over Terrell Owens.
Did my hate culminate in 2014, with the Patriots Super Bowl XLIX victory over the “Seadderall” Seahawks, who managed to situate themselves as equal cheats in Patriots Nation’s eyes?
No. I blame Pete Carroll for that. I’m allowed; I have season tickets. But the Patriot fans sure make it hard to overlook that one.
Or was it 2016, with the “Deflategate” or “Ball-ghazi” findings and punishment, too late to take away their Super Bowl XLIX victory, but was a moral victory for non-Patriots fans.
No.
After careful consideration, my hatred of the Patriots is all-encompassing, having aged like a fine wine over the years. It is not one thing, it is everything. It’s the organization, because they refuse to admit any wrongdoing, ever. It’s their coach, because he’s a conniving shithead who will cut guys on a whim but then sign a waived WR who got cut because of a DUI. It’s their fucking poster boy quarterback, who gerrymanders his contract so they can keep certain players & whines like he’s never supposed to be touched.
It’s their fans, because 99% of them couldn’t name Steve Grogan, let alone Darryl Stingley or John Hannah. It’s the media, because this shit has been on my TV for the last 10 days.
Mostly, though, it’s because the combined hubris and victimhood of all of the above makes this man
look like a sympathetic figure, despite his staggering incompetence. He knows, or has ignored, what the Patriots are doing, coming down only when he is discovered to have pooched the initial incident, or destroyed the tapes where possible. There is no way any other team could get away with what the Patriots do to the salary cap.
It makes me ashamed for having enjoyed watching their earlier success, kind of like finding out years later that that “mutual parting” just allowed her to continue the affair without consequence while I bourbon’d myself to sleep alone. And that sends me reaching for the blood pressure medication. So, now I can feel justified in saying **deep breath**
I HATE THE FUCKING PATRIOTS!
WHAT SAY YOU?
Yay! Cookies and milk and incest and murder!
Boston already has racism being fine to be just outright blatant with again, they don’t need a Super Bowl.
Uh, hey rioter people in Berkeley, hey, hi! You do know you are keeping Milo relevant and giving him a ton of free publicity, which you know, he craves?
Newsflash: Liberals are fucking idiots.
Every time I see people losing their mind over him, I just think “Streisand effect, people.”
I’m really torn by this. On one hand, I agree it’s giving him attention I’d prefer him not having. On the other hand, he does do the occasional evil shit at live events like publicly outing unsuspecting college students in front of rabid conservative crowds. So, there’s the possibility that one of the burning things in the pictures may actually be him, and that’s not such a bad thought.
I swear, I could saunter through Berkeley with a pink codpiece with a Judy Garland henna tattoo on my ass, and not be the most flaming thing there tonight!
I’m tired but don’t want to go to sleep. Someone entertain me.
I hope
HoustonTexasEverything explodes come Sunday.It’s cold and icy outside, and I’m not even in Canada. Trying to decide between scotch and a(nother) glass of milk with a chocolate chip cookie in it.
Have both.
I just ate a ton more pizza and in spite of my better judgement and because I am stupid, going out for cookies and milk to enjoy while I watch Taboo suddenly seems like a smashing idea.
A hot toddy & a s’more?
She’s not even home tonight
Hello boys.
I just ran home from a four hour training session on immigration law fueled by way too much caffeine, pizza, and righteous indignation. I’m ready to kick some ass and kick some more ass. Don’t care about the names. What’s up?
Most everybody left to watch “Sunny”. Otherwise,
http://new-img1.cosmochina.com.cn/cosmo/126/905/liIdin1pcDFw.gif
I’m the porpoise, come to fuck the shit out of the system
Also, Sunny was goddamned wonderful tonight.
Indeed.
Portland office of US Dept of Immigration/Homeland Security has a longstanding reputation of being dicks to people for absolutely no reason. Moreso than similar offices in other cities, I mean.
Please feel free to ruin their shit.
With pleasure.
How much $ can I get for a 45 year old kidney all filled with drugs and bad food, but lots of distilled water and NO CIGARETTES? It’s my only hope!
About tree fiddy?
If you were willing to bundle said kidney with a right liver lobe and maybe an autographed nude pic of Lisa Loeb I’d go for about four hundo … perhaps more … negotiable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzB1wEmvMAE
That write-up was beautiful. Well done!
http://i258.photobucket.com/albums/hh253/jimifunguzz/fuck%20the%20police/fuck-the-police-homer-simpson.gif
Samantha Bee is tearing Drumpf a third asshole tonight.
Love her.
Also forgot that was on tonight too.
I’m kinda fucking shit up, guys.
I need alcohol and weed….not necessarily in that order.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2fTAQ_bKuU
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https://twitter.com/apblake/status/826937158007193600?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Well shit, Nazis defending nazis, who would have thunkit?
The Onion is being put out of business by actual headlines.
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Sky blue, water wet?
Original Cake?
http://68.media.tumblr.com/ea0c1bb1963e7f1b88e7745d06e8cade/tumblr_ok4g15T2ci1qcu022o1_1280.jpg
Yes. The fake cake is now at the Daily Show. They are having a twitter contest to see what should be done with it.
#TrumpCake
Republicans have always defended and protected Nazis. This ain’t new.
Switching from Bay-Bay-KU to Sunny.
Oh shit, I forgot it’s Wednesday.
DVR better not have shat the bed.
Not only did the DVR NOT shit the bed, but it also has the first ep of the new season of The Expanse recording right now. I am significantly less unhappy than I might have otherwise been.
We are Eskimo brothers.
Assuming the Eskimos have DVRs.
In response to the executive order this weekend, Donald Trump has had a fa-twat issued against him by a Syrian mullah.
Fa-twat? Is that like big labia?
Anyone watchin Rape U v Kansas?
Temple?
It is on my TV, but I can’t say i’m really watching it.
Like they said it wasn’t rape?
I logged on because your likes are e-sheckels to me, or as it is also known, Bitcoin. And worth just as much too.
Is that a lot? Is that a little?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-D_422Z3rUE
Quick informal poll time:
Brother and I were discussing the anniversary of the Big Mac the other day and I told him that I’ve never eaten a Bic Mac. He was amazed.
I’m an old ass man who first ate at a McDonald’s in like 1974 and I’ve never had one.
Of course i haven’t eaten at one since about 2001.
Have you ever eaten a Big Mac?
I have also never eaten a Big Mac. I’m a Quarter Pounder, no onions person. Sorry, I don’t like onions. Or tomatoes.
Or soup. Or… *fade out*
I would rather starve to death than consume anything with mayonnaise associated with it.
I am a big ol’ bastard with lots of eating vices, but mayo is something I won’t do.
I will do Cleveland Stadium mustard because that tingles my penis and really makes the pubis monis glisten.
I didn’t know it had exfoliating purposes! Now I know.
https://youtu.be/wGalkLRdlOs
Goddamnit [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGalkLRdlOs&w=560&h=315%5D
TROOF!
Me neither.
Yes many, in my youth. These day’s I’ve given up the fast food more or less, however.
Same here.
Once or twice a year I can get behind some Popeye’s but otherwise I cook my big calorie items at home.
It seems to be drawn on generational lines since none of my kids, grandkids or nephews/nieces have ever had one.
Never eaten a Big Mac. The special sauce sounds disgusting and I don’t like vegetables (except pickles) on my burgers/sandwiches. Salads go on the side.
Damn right!
I have eaten tons of Big Micks, does that count? They even had their own special sauce!
No seed in their buns
My wife works for A&W Canada, so I normally eat that – Grandpa burger, no pickles.
I refer to McD’s as “cheating on my wife”. It’s about as much trouble as actual cheating, but I can shit away that evidence as opposed to having to bury it high in the mountains.
I ate Big Macs as a young man. They don’t have mayo the ‘special sauce’ is thousand island dressing. The last one I had must have been in Japan about 1996.
I have not eaten a Big Mac. QPC guy all day long. No pickles. Pickles are awful.
How the fuck you not eat a Big Mac? That’s like saying you don’t eat pussy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLtwFugudZE
Royal with cheese!
Credit to the PA guy at NC State for playing this during a timeout.
Too bad we decided to start sucking again at just the wrong time.
It would have been a wonderful St. John’s wins/Syracuse loses day!
Seamus rn
http://i.gifntext.com/36688-urge-to-kill-rising.gif
THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR MY RAGE!!!!!!!
This is why Wolves can’t have nice things.
This game is bonkers.
At least.
OK, sorry; I’ll stop. I do feel better now though.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WFbF41L246g/UpKs2APO3NI/AAAAAAAAD6k/Lq1f8qEJLDk/s400/vonsack.gif
So apparently the internet likes making gifs of Tommy getting sacked for some reason.
http://cdn3.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/2411302/ne_von_miller_sack_brady.0.gif
Seamus and Hippo’s Wolvensort are cornholing Syracuse right now.
http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.2450359.1448903954!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_635/nfl.jpg
Yeah they are.
Rut roh.
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Soooo…., we DONT like the Patriots?
http://img.ccrd.clearchannel.com/media/mlib/2135/2015/06/default/tom_brady_0_1434371304.gif
No; they’re cool.
Well now we know where all the molly went
I would rather repeat cleaning the poopy-stew my daughter just blew all the up her onesie, into the arm sleeves, with a smell that can only be described as open sewer meets rotting dog carcass for the next seven days straight than see New England win another Superb Owl.
“You’re right, but still go fuck yourself.” -The Maestro
…I have no defense for this.
http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/1-tom-brady-dancing.gif
Or that. Or the Trump thing.
He’s not alone with the Trump thing, but it sure helps my rage.
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I may have gotten carried away.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly’s eyes re-focused on the page. He discovered that while he sat helplessly musing he had also been writing, as though by automatic action. And it was no longer the same cramped, awkward handwriting as before. His pen had slid voluptuously over the smooth paper, printing in large neat capitals
DOWN WITH NEW ENGLAND!
DOWN WITH NEW ENGLAND!
DOWN WITH NEW ENGLAND!
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I thought he shot most of them.
http://boston.barstoolsports.com/files/2013/01/Boston-Awesome.jpg
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You forgot a pretty important reason for the hate.
http://cdn3.thr.com/sites/default/files/2015/07/bill_simmons.jpg
Fuck the fuck out of those fucking fuckers!
http://imglulz.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/sigh.png
Fuck – I stayed away from this Brady-gobbler. I’d still be yelling at my keyboard.
Jesus Christ this French customer I have been dealing with. Un-fucking-real. He started mouthing off at my Polish coworker in French and my coworker informed him that both him and I speak French. My coworker then just left the room and the fucking French guy demanded my boss so he could bitch about my coworker and myself being rude.
He is demanding to see our pricing for spare parts and wants them at cost from us. So effectively we pay for all the shipping to Canada and assume full liability without a Purchase Order.
He started arguing with our head of Customer Support that we are suppose to fly in people at our cost to do site troubleshooting without a purchase order…just because. Keep in mind, this site has never bought anything from us. We never did their mill.
He has made us basically decode their entire automation system…and then gives us shit when we can’t explicitly tell him why automation engineers from a completely different company did something.
Oh and instead of tuning a drive tomorrow, he wants me to spend the day explaining to him grounding and cabling standards.
This guy is an electrical engineer. HE SHOULD FUCKING KNOW THIS SHIT.
ONE MORE FUCKING DAY….
Can we get an audio recording of your year end review?
He’s gonna get so angry he’s gonna—no, I can’t finish that one, that’s awful even for us.
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Quality hate. LOFTY hate, although it could have used a little more about the media deepthroating Brady and Beli so long that the entire football desk of SI passed out from oxygen deprivation.
I’d still be typing deep into tomorrow.
I’m just glad Joe Buck doesn’t call them every week.
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Tony Eason is a little girl.
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The Superb Owl they beat the Iggles has fueled my hate forever. 1 Superb owl appearance in my adulthood and I get that shit burger.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SWQQRrLoDOY/UtSkUlfsK7I/AAAAAAAAhTc/A_Eh2sB-kgM/s1600/no+pats.png
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