COWARDLY MEDIA WHORE TRADING JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY FOR ACCESS: Good evening, and welcome to CNN. Tonight, we turn to a somewhat lighter topic than normal: picking the winner of the upcoming Super Bowl. With us tonight is professional faux-liberal doormat Alan  Colmes…

COLMES: Thank you. I’m just so happy to be…

WHORE: And our real guest, White House Spokesman and Director of Communications, Sean Spicer.

SPICER: Good evening. Real pleasure to be here. Real pleasure.

WHORE: So lets get right down to it. Gentlemen, the New England Patriots face off against the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl LI in Houston this Sunday, and the country is desperately aching for a distraction to keep them from thinking too hard about the high likelihood that their recent ancestors were immigrants and refugees fleeing violence, squalor and/or oppression. So Alan, who do you think has the edge?

COLMES: Well, I looked at the rosters for each team, because I  don’t pay attention to football. Since I am not a red-blooded American male like my opponent, I probably should just shut my stupid liberal  mouth and defer to Mr. Spicer. He and his colleagues are always right.

WHORE: Mr. Spicer?

SPICER: Well, I am absolutely certain that the Patriots are going to win this game, 122 to -3.

WHORE: So you are predicting that the Falcons will somehow score negative three points? Is that possible under the rules of football?

SPICER: I’m not predicting. I’m sure. Like it already happened. In fact it did happen. They played last week, in a private game for President Trump. They all came to Mar-a-Lago and teed it up and played the real Super Bowl last Friday. So I am privy to information that you don’t know and can’t verify.

WHORE: But it’s impossible for Atlanta to score negati..

SPICER: HEY! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE PRESIDENT! YOU LIBERAL MEDIA HACKS HAVE NO RIGHT TO QUIZ HIM OR ME ON FACTS! YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!

WHORE: I was just trying to understand how the rules of the game changed to allow for a team to score negative points, Mr. Spicer.

SPICER: The President signed an executive order, mandating that a team be penalized 30 points for every starting quarterback not named Brady.

WHORE: So the Falcons start the game at minus-thirty points? Isn’t that a little unfair to Atlanta?

SPICER: No. No, absolutely not. It’s absolutely fair. How dare you question the fairness of it. It’s not anti-Atlanta, it’s just pro-New England.

WHORE: Ok…well, what are your thoughts on Tom Brady’s performance in the game?

SPICER: It will be good. I mean, not as good as it could have been if he had really supported the President during his campaign. I know he threw for 9,233 yards this year, but he could have thrown for more if he hadn’t been hemming and hawing about his support for the President.

WHORE: Wait, so you’re saying that Tom Brady threw for…[looks down at notes]

SPICER: Eleventy billion, six hundred ninety ten thousand, eight and twenty yards

COLMES: [tentatively raises his hand for permission to speak] Mr. Spicer…I’m not sure “eleventy billion” is an actual number…

SPICER: Of course it’s a number. Mr. President called it the classiest number, so it’s a number. And it’s an even more impressive true statistic since Brady was suspended for the first twenty games by that liberal commie pinko, Roger Goodell.

WHORE: He was suspended for four games, after it was upheld under the Collective Bargaining Agreement by a federal judge.

SPICER: It was twenty games. Check the record. And this administration will be taking a strong stand against such activist judges  who read labor contracts and apply them as written. Also, the President is already meeting with legislators and key figures in organized labor  to discuss his plan to deport all union officers to Atlantis.

WHORE: Atlantis doesn’t exist.

SPICER: Sure it does- otherwise, how could we be having these discussions? And I really wish you people in the liberal media would stop using phrases like “doesn’t exist” and “impossible” when reporting on President Trump’s policy initiatives. It’s really unfair, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

WHORE: So are you predicting that Tom Brady will get his fourth Super Bowl MVP award?

SPICER: What? Of course not. How many times has the quarterback of the losing team won the MVP?

WHORE: Wait, the losing team? You just said…

SPICER: No I didn’t.

WHORE: We just spent ten minutes discussing your statement that the Patriots would win 122 to -3.

SPICER: I never said that.

WHORE: I…but…

SPICER: You really think I would predict that a team representing Taxachussetts and the rest of those loser liberal elite states would win the Super Bowl? You must be dumber than I thought.

WHORE: There’s no need for name-calling. I just was asking why you changed…

SPICER: I haven’t changed anything. The Atlanta Falcons are just the kind of team America needs right now. Arthur Blank is a self-made billionaire, and so is President Trump, so he must be good and kind and just. I mean, so much of their success is due entirely to offensive  coordinator Kyle Shanahan. Shanahan really embodies the American Dream, being able to work his way up to coaching excellence from nothing and with absolutely no help from his father. The way he’s able to coax incredible performances from ignorant, lazy, talentless black players like Julio Jones, Tevin Coleman and Vic Beasely is nothing short of miraculous.

COLMES:[timidly raises his hand again] B-b-b-but Vic Beasley is a defensive player.

SPICER: No he’s not.

WHORE: Mr. Spicer, surely on something as minor as this you can admi-

SPICER: I ADMIT NOTHING! NO FACT IS TOO SMALL, TOO INSIGNIFICANT OR TOO TRUE THAT I CANNOT DISAGREE WITH IT!

WHORE: [sighs] Ok, so are those all the reasons that you feel Atlanta  will win on Sunday?

SPICER: Atlanta? Win? Are you joking? I support the position put forth by President Bannon…er…Trump yesterday: No team with  terrorist foreign national on their roster will be allowed to enter Texas for the weekend of the Super Bowl.

WHORE: Terrorist?

SPICER:Sure, you liberal media types all want us to feel empathy for Mohamed Sanu, but absolutely the only way we can protect the American People from jihadis is to temporarily suspend any team who might have come in contact with and been radicalized by people of Mr. Sanu’s origin.

COLMES: New Jersey?

SPICER: Yes! Or should I say Tax Jersey.

WHORE: Mr. Spicer, there are some who might call this Sanu Ban  blatantly anti -Muslim….

SPICER: Let me stop you right there. It’s not a “Sanu Ban”. You media hacks are unethical for calling it a Sanu Ban. It’s not anti-Sanu, it’s just pro-everyone-who-is-not-Sanu.

WHORE: So if the Falcons will be barred from entering the state where the game is taking place, I assume you are picking them to lose?

SPICER: Nothing could be farther from the truth. This administration has the highest regard for the Atlanta Falcons organization. After all, you have to be a real winner to be a building-supply billionaire and still get a city and state with spectacularly failing educational systems to contribute $600 million toward construction of a new stadium. Plus, there are no fans louder than those Falcon fans.

WHORE: Um…the fans actually aren’t that loud. The Falcons lost a draft pick and paid $350,000 in fines without a protest for piping in fake-

SPICER: Ah-ah-ah-ah. “Alt”.

WHORE: Fine. “Alt” crowd noise.

SPICER: See, this is just another instance of Democrats and their foreign Jew overlords trying to stifle American exceptionalism. If you can gain a competitive advantage by blaring simulated crowd noise from speakers, or dosing your players with dangerous amounts of painkillers and steroids , or hiring a hit squad to flay an opposing team’s quarterback alive as a warning to others, well, you should be allowed to explore that realm of competitive innovation.

COLMES: [creepy dead-eyed monotone] All hail the unfettered free  market…All hail the Invisible Hand…

WHORE: So you are picking the Falcons?

SPICER: Of course not. Haven’t you been listening?

COLMES: All hail the job creators… All hail the Wall…

WHORE: So…so you’re picking the Patriots?

COLMES: All hail the Cheeto In Chief… All hail the Black Goat With A Thousand Young…

SPICER: Of course not. I guarantee you and the American People that the Mon-stars from Space Jam will win this game.

WHORE: But they aren’t playing in the game. Or the sport. And they are fictional. There’s no possible way they can win.

SPICER: Apparently you haven’t read the last round of Executive Orders.