2017
Fade in:
Int. Buffalo Wild Wings, Wichita, KS, 9:30 pm.
Patrons stare at the screen, in disbelief or joy at what they had just witnessed.
Under the table Winston’s feet made convulsive movements. He had not stirred from his seat, but in his mind he was running, swiftly running, he was with the crowds inside the stadium, cheering himself deaf. He looked up again at the portrait of Big Brother. The colossus that deflated the world! The rock against which the hordes of Atlanta dashed themselves in vain! He thought how ten minutes ago—yes, only ten minutes—there had still been equivocation in his heart as he wondered whether the news from the replay official would be of victory or defeat.
Ah, it was more than a Georgian army that had perished! Much had changed in him since that first day in the Ministry of Love, but the final, indispensable, healing change had never happened, until this moment.
The voice from the 4K TV was still pouring forth its tale of Patriots and trophies and slaughter, but the celebration inside had died down a little. A few Patriots fans celebrated, Sam Adams in hand, knowing that the victory they had expected had indeed come to pass. Just as Big Brother had foretold! The waiters were turning back to their work. One of them approached with the gin bottle. Winston, sitting in a blissful dream, paid no attention as his glass was filled up. He was not eating wings or cheering any longer. He was back in the Ministry of Love, with everything forgiven, his soul white as snow. He was in the dock, confessing everything, implicating everybody, Making America Great Again. He was walking down the white-tiled corridor, with the feeling of walking under Gillette’s lights, and an armed guard at his back. The long-hoped-for bullet was entering his brain through his brand-new hoodie.
He gazed up at the enormous face. Seventeen years it had taken him to learn what kind of eyes were hidden beneath the dark helmet. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all facking right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved the Patriots.
Fin.
This is the world we live in now. President Trump. Five-time Super Bowl champions the New England Patriots. It will not stop fucking snowing in Vancouver. Here was the view out my school window this morning at 8:00:
2017 can eat ALL OF THE DICKS!
Here’s all the Falcons get, after letting down most of the planet last night:
I’m not even going to bother summarizing the news in my usual style for a few days, simply because I can’t bring myself to look at the NFL or NFL sites until the bile leaves my mouth. I’m certain most of us feel the same way. I am seriously considering cancelling my cable package because my US time-shift stations all emanate from Boston.
Ultimately, I refuse to submit. So, here’s some pictures of my dog enjoying the weekend blizzard.
She’s the only reason my TV doesn’t have a size-10 hole in it today. Her name is “Riga”, and I enjoy screwing up the Instagram hashtag for that city by posting her photos with it. With so many Latvians wondering why a dog comes up when they look for their town, it’s a good thing I can read & speak Latvisk a little bit. It’s usually good-natured. Mostly, they just ask if they can come & stay once the Russians invade. ??
Tonight’s sports: oh look – everything but football!
- NHL:
- Blues at Flyers – 7:00PM | NBCSN
- Leafs at Islanders – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- NBA:
- Cavaliers at Wizards – 7:00PM | TNT
- Clippers at Raptors – 7:30PM | TSN
- Spurs at Grizzlies – 9:30PM | TNT
- Bulls at Kings – 10:30PM | TSN
- NCAA:
- Men
- Louisville at Virginia – 7:00PM | ESPN
- Kansas at Kansas State – 9:00PM | ESPN
- Women:
- Texas at Baylor – 8:00PM | FS1
- UCLA at Stanford – 9:00PM | ESPN2
- Men’s Hockey
- Beanpot Semifinal: Boston College vs. Boston University – 8:00PM | TSN2 / NESN
- might be best to avoid, to avoid Pats reminders
- Maestro excepted
- might be best to avoid, to avoid Pats reminders
- Beanpot Semifinal: Boston College vs. Boston University – 8:00PM | TSN2 / NESN
- Men
I’m not giving up, but I am not paying attention for a while. WHEN’S THE DRAFT?!
[…] conclusion, it’s been five years since they played in that infamous Super Bowl, and it’s been all downhill since then. But don’t call it a […]
Because kids aren’t dumb enough already, the Senate has voted to confirm Betsy DeVos.
“Shit!”
– Grizzly Bears
Hey man; she paid A LOT of money for that post.
http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/schooled/2017/02/why_some_conservatives_oppose_betsy_devos.html
So one of the attorneys on Trump’s appeal to the Muslim ban is named “Sharon Swingle”. That is a pretty terrific name.
The Patriots SB parade is this morning in Boston. It’s cold, wet and rainy. So let’s hope for a Zachary Taylor situation for a few people. And by “a few” I mean “everyone at the parade, including the audience”
I think it’s very benevolent of you to refer to Patriots fans as “people”.
I think the common theory now is that the White House and several of its residents were exposed to contaminated water.
https://www.rawstory.com/2016/04/how-the-white-house-might-have-killed-these-three-presidents-in-the-1840s/
This is very impressive:
Fuck that underwater level forever and always.
It always pissed me off that all of the Turtles acted like Navy SEALs on that level, but, any other time they got exposed to water, they quit like Kyle Shanahan in the fourth quarter of a Super Bowl.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/b890bd12b115ccbfe55fd84b4ae952dc/tumblr_n36skwrz7M1qdvbexo1_540.jpg
Wait… Vinsanity… on defense?
Vidi Vici Veni!
I saw, I conquered, I came
Was that made by Vivid?
http://68.media.tumblr.com/a26b1ac42d060df77413c27611b54cec/tumblr_ohitree9B51v07fjko1_1280.jpg
For your edutainment, a rough approximation of the Superbowl in less than 30 seconds.
http://cheezburger.com/6903465728
http://68.media.tumblr.com/90e05f17e5858b383c3d52cbfd379b40/tumblr_ofoeuey8fo1rs43gdo1_500.gif
What is… a normal day driving about Russia?
http://68.media.tumblr.com/f8f0c020d993faafdd8482d948189e48/tumblr_oe11bz3nIG1v1frjoo1_400.gif
Whole lotta cock for one pussy
Unpopular opinion: I think Colin Jost is funny
http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb48budFWc1qe6mn3o1_500.gif
WE THE COMMENTARIOT WILL STAND* IN JUDGEMENT OF WHAT TICKLES YOUR FUNNYBONE.
*Actually will sit and nod, perhaps not being familiar with his work.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/2dbb70efa4c544b1562bad0d7af1164b/tumblr_okqusqbXp61ttrxmxo1_1280.jpg
Why does Kellyanne Conway constantly look she hasn’t slept in five days?
Obviously the stress of Bowling Green is slowly turning her into the Crypt Keeper.
Is there just one photo of her that exists where she doesn’t look like she’s about to hand Snow White a poisoned apple?
Here’s one.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/d834da3e8cd1ba105717fd19a60150b9/tumblr_nww0joyO2y1rp0vkjo1_500.gif
http://68.media.tumblr.com/b7510cdd0958571aca3110d886a039d4/tumblr_okgtgrVKIk1v0wgkno1_1280.jpg
Sorry, but I laughed.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/ad56167495343390c85c461996ddbc69/tumblr_okpedv31Ck1qzhjh2o1_1280.jpg
I NEVER DID GET THE UBER RATING…. OR WAS IT LYFT? Anyway…..
http://68.media.tumblr.com/81531fd5ab01141ef7d5b98431867d98/tumblr_inline_nxm3gzIoHU1s8vwq8_500.gif
OK, so I am the only one who likes the Uber joke….. FINE.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/9afea8d444a2a0d03194dd306777191c/tumblr_oh1wqswpyC1qlz1v3o1_250.gif
I’ve never though of it before, but it’s a pity that we can never see an OG Top Gear/Pink Panther crossover. Then again, it might shatter the space-time continuum with its sheer epicness.
Man, it’s been too long since I watched the Pink Panther series. (just torrented it yesterday) Peter Sellers was a blood genius; God rest his Soul.
I am not sober.
Dad?
Not sure how many times I’ve seen that joke in various interweb forms, but damn this one made me laugh.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/942c2f6f9eb9d597a6add1915348809f/tumblr_okyj3e2i8R1rojphdo1_1280.jpg
This is what Christie Brinkley looks like at 63. Give or take an airbrush or two.
http://www.si.com/swim-daily/2017/02/06/christie-brinkley-returns-si-swimsuit-2017-with-daughters
Damnit Jerry!
Damned if I can tell which one is Billy’s daughter…
/said no one with the power of sight
You don’t need vision.
She’s the annoying one.
She had to be a big shot din she…
Had to open up her mouth
I wonder if she’s a Catholic girl who started much too late.
/True story, a friend of mine’s father, very catholic and with three daughters, wrote Mr. Joel a very angry letter when that song came out. Pretty sure he’s still waiting for an answer.
WOULD STILL BAT PROBE!!
http://68.media.tumblr.com/346960d7f3d411a902470f248a7fe337/tumblr_np3yvib7zy1qc1sduo1_400.jpg
Sweet jeezus.
Guys. Guys. GUYS. GUYSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lawyer on Parks and Rec is played by the same guy as Capt. Holt’s husband on Brooklyn 99, both shows created by Michael Schur (also responsible for the funny seasons of The Office). They MUST be the same character! Shared universe! He’s the Det. Munch of quirky ensemble comedies.
http://cdn.yourepeat.com/media/gif/001/066/441/8e8feeaaf5f1ecb6e65947a59adacaf1.gif
Doesn’t seem accurate.
That Mario girl reminds me of my neighbor Traci (the one on the right).
They seem nice.
Where is the cart?
“I like-a this-a picture!”
– Joey Bosa, kissing his fingers
“I can-a change-a the order of the comments! Muahahahaha!”
– Rikki-Tikki-Deadlario
I wonder if I’d like the Pats more or less if I lived closer to MA. On one hand, they’d be closer to home, but on the other I’d have to interact more with those douchey fans I always hear about
I’d like them more if they played literally in any other city.
Yeah, I’ve never been to Boston, but I’ve heard stories from people who’ve visited, and if I didn’t know them I’d swear they were exaggerating the assholishness of the people there.
I’ve had a nice enough time in Boston, but I’m white and from Connecticut, so wasn’t that different from normal life except for the accents.
I passed through with a co-worker who was of Latin decent, and I was rather unsurprised by the treatment he received.
Granted, he was quite a dick, but still.
I’d hate them less if they played in any other city, but I wouldn’t like them.
New York?
http://www.wbur.org/news/2017/02/06/patriots-martellus-bennett-skipping-trump-visit
Welp; that settles it: my favorite Patriots player.
If you haven’t seen this interview he gave after the superbowl, I’d highly recommend it. It’s unbelievably adorable.
https://twitter.com/ArashMarkazi/status/828472870288445441?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
I love the Black Unicorn so much more than Gronk. I hate that he’s on the Patriots, but I am glad he got a ring.
Oh fuck you you fucking dipshit
Jesus fucking christ.
He’s got a point; the best player for the Patriots yesterday was James White:
One could even say that they ran on James White power.
He needs to die in some kind of ironic accident.
I’m thinking avalanche. Nothing like suffocating under a literal ton of whiteness.
Perfect. Passed out in mashed potatoes?
America: Punching Nazis since 1941:
:large
Not all the boys and girls felt that way.
http://www.npr.org/sections/npr-history-dept/2015/04/28/402679062/nazi-summer-camps-in-1930s-america
I’m certain that players are used to shithead fans saying stupid shit, dealing with stalkers, hanger ons, dead beat family members and shit. It goes with being some of the best athletes in the world.
I don’t think for a fucking moment Tom Brady, Belichick, and the rest of the Patriots ever expected to be the poster child of a fucking moronic racist.
None of them have condemned either. This guy would make me very uncomfortable with that shit; I am not sure, but I would think I’d have to say something.
Chances are they have literally no idea this guy even exists.
That is a possibility; no one in the sports media would bring it up to Tommy Terrific; “Mr. Brady; are you the best ever or the best the will ever be?” “Well, Peter….”
Kinda wish I had not googlebinged images….. FUCK THESE PEOPLE.
http://www.infostormer.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/decom_Homer_56f44d58c0c19.gif
I get the trap door, but was all the amniotic fluid really necessary
When the
back door…..errrrr trap door opens unexpectedly, it’s better to have lube and not need it than to need it and not have it.24:Legacy is both not enjoyable and predictable.
HEY PAL! AT LEAST THERE IS A LOT OF SHITTY WRITING!
Sounds a lot like the last ten minutes of last night’s game.
Thank you for erasing that Woodhead sized shadow of doubt from my mind.
And no “Jack Bauer kills everything in existence” which in hindsight is pretty awful, but can be quite cathartic.
This would have been a better use of my teevee.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=gcWW-pN_niE
I actually didn’t see this one at all.
Funny you say that…
https://medium.com/@CardsAgainstHumanity/why-our-super-bowl-ad-failed-2af66e6a976c#.pt3005l1j
Taters!
I’m watching the latest episode of “The Grand Tour” which takes place in Dubai. I lived and worked there for 9 months.
The place is hell on earth for about 75% of the laborers. Fucking slave labor. The UAE is what the Nazis would have done to Europe if they had not gotten their shit righteously kicked in.
The worse fucking part, the white Western expats all act like its the greatest place on earth…just because by the color of their skin, they are treated better than most workers.
In about 20 years, they are going to be out of natural gas and the country is going to turn into fucking Syria.
Bryan Woodman: But what do you need a financial advisor for? Twenty years ago you had the highest Gross National Product in the world, now you’re tied with Albania. Your second largest export is secondhand goods, closely followed by dates which you’re losing five cents a pound on… You know what the business community thinks of you? They think that a hundred years ago you were living in tents out here in the desert chopping each other’s heads off and that’s where you’ll be in another hundred years, so, yes, on behalf of my firm I accept your money.
– from Syriana
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me7d4xmrmd1qfhg93o8_r1_250.gif
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me7d4xmrmd1qfhg93o1_250.gif
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me7d4xmrmd1qfhg93o10_r1_250.gif
You magnificent bastard.
Ironically, I’ve been called that a lot lately. Though no one else used the qualifier “magnificent”. LOL.
One of my classmates from Vet School breeds them locally. Great Dogs.
Also….I’ve never been bitten by a Bernese Mt. Dog. So I like them if only for that.
So the theme tonight’s dark jokes?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ael2ojGGUok
Bernese Mt. Dogs are the bestest.
In spite of being a Canadia homer, you’re alright.
Funny we are talking Latvian jokes. I learned working for a Finnish company overseas that the Fins fucking detest Latvians.
They would also get really pissed when I could not tell the difference between the two.
I’ve also managed to convince some of our new hires that my one coworker from Poland would get a song sung to him by his mother. It is the usual Polish lullaby.
“Life is short…Life is shit…Soon it will be over”
I convinced them it rhymes in Polish.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDzMxlw2Fgo
Mr Clean probably sticks it in the pooper
Comes out sparkling with a pine fresh scent too.
Stupid sexy Mr. Clean.
Curse of Marino already made this comment and reading comprehension fail.
I come bearing this Kate Upton gif as a sort of apology for last night:
Also fuck Donald Trump with a tetanus soaked rusty fork.
Married to Justin Verlander (or was it Jason…) who is a trump supporter!
/probably
Picture did not help!
She kilt de boner with her tweets.
No worries; you and Maestro are some of the few “good ones.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDzMxlw2Fgo
Stupid Sexy Mr Clean
GODAMNIT!!
STUPID SEXY COMMENT REPEAT.
Since you brought them up, I think Latvian Jokes are the perfect thing for a day like today.
http://cdn77.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/lv-police.jpg
http://cdn77.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/lv-cloud.jpg
http://cdn77.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/lv-knock.jpg
Anybody else read these with a really stupid accent, which doesn’t even come close to a real one. I laughed at these silly fucking jokes.
If I were a damsel living in the greater Atlanta area I would avoid being in the proximity of any railroad tracks this evening.
http://media.cmgdigital.com/shared/lt/lt_cache/thumbnail/600/img/photos/2015/03/04/1b/a9/arthur_blank.JPG
Blank just needs a hat.
http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131110185125/r__/rockyandbullwinkle/images/d/de/Dudley_do_right_decal_snidely_whiplash_25592.jpg
Also Rule 34.
http://www.fotothing.com/photos/01e/01e084db49c35e21a52b44f1e29e7a86.jpg
Dogs eleventy billion, Humans 0