The scene: A little-used U.S./Mexico border crossing, where a border patrol officer is showing a young rookie the ropes.

Border Patrol Officer: Now, y’see, you’ve gotta know who to let through and who might be a clear and present danger to our country and the American way of life.

Rookie: Yessir! But…

Border Patrol Officer: But what?

Rookie: That family you stopped? They were from Scranton. They were just on vacation.

Border Patrol Officer: Ya can never be too careful.

Rookie: But you held them here for six hours while you went through their car.

Border Patrol Officer: They looked shifty to me.

Rookie: You made their little girl cry when you disemboweled her teddy bear looking for drugs!

Border Patrol Officer: That’s how they smuggle them in, rookie! Look, you wanna be a bleeding-heart, you can just…

Suddenly a distant roar echoes over the landscape. It grows louder and louder, and the source of the noise becomes apparent as they approach. It’s the Door Flies Open, riding towards the border crossing at full speed on their motorcycles.

Rookie: What the…?

Border Patrol Officer: Biker trash. Well, lemme show you how we deal with these scum, rookie.

The border patrol officer stands out in the road and puts his hand up confidently. His expression grows less confident as they get closer, however, with no sign of slowing down. Frowning, the officer reaches for his gun. That’s when the bikes split apart to allow Doktor Zymm’s RV, driven by King Hippo, to storm to the front.

Border Patrol Officer: Ho-lee crap!

The RV speeds toward the border, and the officer dives out of the way. Behind the wheel King Hippo has a grim look of determination as he smashes through the barrier. In the passenger seat Abraham Lincoln gives him a high-five, while Brocky sits between them, still tied to his chair.

Border Patrol Officer (getting up): You sons of…

Darkest Timeline Zach Morris zooms by on his custom bike, flanked by WCS and Old School Zero. Riding behind him is Pirate Sloth on a blue bike with bright green trim. The officer reaches for his gun again, but then hears the cry of a wild animal. Turning, he sees Moosemas Gorilla wearing old-school goggles and driving Horatio Cornblower’s custom chopper, with Horatio himself ensconced safely in a cup-holder attached to the handlebars.

Moosemas Gorilla (holding out a furry arm): Ooooooook!

Moosemas Gorilla clotheslines the officer, sending him spinning in a 360 and crashing to the ground. Lord Revisisle speeds by on an ornate gold and silver Harley with a sidecar, in which Rikki-Tikki-Deadly sits backwards. Then Yeah Right’s purple and yellow bike roars past, with Teddy’s Bridge Over Troubled Water in his sidecar.

Yeah Right: Wooooooo!

Teddy’s BOTW: Nrgh!

The final bike is Beerguyrob’s, a bad-ass rat chopper blowing out black smoke. It also has a sidecar, with Cookiethulhu squeezed into it. The elder god lets out a yuuuge burp and flings a beer can at the officer on the ground. It hits him on the head as they pass.

Cookiethulhu (as the bike races away): Sorry about that, old boy!

The bikes and the RV roar off into the distance. The officer lies there in the dirt. The rookie walks over to him and drops his badge on the man’s chest.

Rookie: Yeah. I quit.

Cut to: The dungeon in the Castle of Death, where Covalent Blonde, Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, Otto’s Brain and Low Commander are being held in a cell with their newfound luchador comrades Señor Weaselo and La Araña Discoteca.High on the dungeon wall is a barred opening, which Wolfman Rob is currently leering through.

Low Commander: Wolfman Rob?!!

Señor Weaselo (to La Araña Discoteca): Hombre Lobo Rob?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, how did you get here, dude?

Covalent Blonde: Wait, you two know this guy?

Wolfman Rob: Hell, yeah! We’ve traveled together, we’ve partied together, we’ve seen each other naked…

Low Commander: Wait, we have? I don’t remember that.

Wolfman Rob: Well, hell, son, you were asleep at the time! It don’t matter none, though, since yer all about to see ol’ Wolfman au naturel.

Wolfman Rob starts taking off his clothes.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude! Like, what are you doing, man?

Wolfman Rob (stripping off his Hawaiian shirt): Hell, son, I’m gonna have to squeeze through these bars here so I can climb down an’ get you out of there!

Covalent Blonde: Umm…do you really have to be naked for that?

Wolfman Rob (kicking off his Bermuda shorts): Aww, I’ll tell you what, girly…

Covalent Blonde (clenching her jaw): Girly…?

Wolfman Rob: Seein’ the ol’ Wolfman in all his naked glory ain’t for the faint of heart. I’ll leave these here bikini briefs on so’s you don’t get all excited.

Covalent Blonde (to Marc Trestmans Windowless Van): Is he a good friend of yours? Will you miss him after I kill him?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Aw, Rob’s cool, man. He’s just, like, y’know…

Low Commander: A weapons-grade pervert capable of consuming enough drugs, alcohol and ¡SPONCH! to paralyze a normal man.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, pretty much, man.

There’s a weird, squishy sound. It sounds like someone is spanking a wet seal with a piece of raw meat. The DFOers look up towards Wolfman Rob, who is currently applying a liberal amount of baby oil to his nearly-naked torso.

Covalent Blonde: Now what the hell are you doing?

Wolfman Rob: Hell, girly, the ol’ Wolfman ain’t too proud to admit that he ain’t as thin as he used to be. I’m gonna have to lube up to get through these here bars.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: That makes sense, man.

Wolfman Rob (emptying the last of a yuuuge bottle of baby oil onto his hirsute form): Good thing I always carry a gallon or two of this stuff around! Ya never know when yer gonna get lucky, amirite?

Otto’s Brain: If this is a nightmare, I’d like to wake up now, please.

Wolfman Rob, now a giant mass of shiny, hairy flesh, begins to squeeze through the bars of the opening on the wall.

Low Commander: It’s…horrifying. But I can’t look away.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: It’s like someone dropped a big piece of Jell-O on the ground and it got a bunch of hair on it. And then they picked it up and dropped it again, but, like, this time it fell into a vat of cooking oil and… Hey, is anyone else getting hungry, man?

Covalent Blonde: Trust me, Marc, it’s just you.

Wolfman Rob slithers halfway through the bars then gets stuck. He wriggles back and forth in a disturbing manner, then finally slips free and falls into the dungeon. He crashes through a stack of crates to the floor and comes sliding to a stop a few feet away from the cell.

Wolfman Rob (standing up): WHOOOO-EEE! Now ain’t that just a kick in the pants!

Low Commander (averting his gaze, like everyone else in the cell): Um, Wolfman? You, ah…kind of lost your pants.

Wolfman Rob looks up to see his bikini briefs hanging from one of the bars, a good ten feet from the floor.

Wolfman Rob (shrugging): They was just cramping my style anyway! And by style I mean my ba-

Covalent Blonde (interrupting, with a hand over her eyes): YEAH! GREAT! Look, could you maybe get us out of here? You’re making enough noise to raise the dead, here.

Low Commander: Or un-dead, as the case may be.

Wolfman Rob: Ah, hell, girly, don’t you worry yer purty little head about a thing! Ol’ Wolfman Rob’s got this! My partner is gonna keep those bloodsuckin’ babes busy…

Otto’s Brain: You have a partner?

Covalent Blonde (mumbling): And evidently a death wish.

Wolfman Rob: You bet I do! Hey, I gotta say, that’s one nifty globe ya got there! I gotta get me one o’ those!

Cut to: Upstairs in the Castle of Death. Lilith is sitting in an ornate chair, attempting to read an ancient, leather-bound tome, the pages of which veritably reek with antiquity. Rosa and Yolanda, meanwhile, continue to play WWE 2K17.

Lilith (looking up from her tome): Did you hear that?

Rosa (mashing buttons): I can’t hear anything over the sound of my beating Yolanda’s ass!

Yolanda: Este controlador vale mierda.

Rosa: Oh, sure, blame the controller.

Lilith: I think it was from the dungeon. Rosa, go take a look.

Rosa (plaintively): Why me?

Yolanda: Porque éres la más joven. Y la que más molesta.

Rosa (getting up): Fine! What-ever. Can I at least have a snack while I’m down there?

Lilith: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Yolanda: Nada más deja uno de los luchadores para mi.

Rosa sticks her tongue out at Yolanda as she goes downstairs. Lilith starts to go back to her reading, but there’s a knock on the front door.

Lilith (slamming her book shut): By the dark gods! Get that, will you? I’m going upstairs so I can finish reading this incantation in peace.

As Lilith departs, Yolanda gets up and heads over to the massive oaken front door. She opens it to find JJ Fozz on the other side, holding one of those old metal spray cans.

JJ Fozz (aiming the spay can at Yolanda): OK, back up, sister. I’ve got a can full of holy water here, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Yolanda (backing away warily): Agua bendita…?

Cut to: The dungeon again, where the naked, oily Wolfman Rob is struggling to open the cell door. He’s gripping the cell door with both hands and has a foot up on the cell itself for leverage.

Needless to say, the DFOers have retreated to the back of the cell and are looking…anywhere else.

Wolfman Rob (straining): Grgh! This thing is solid! Hey, maybe if you guys came over here and pushed on the door, we could get it open.

Covalent Blonde (shielding her eyes with one hand, pointing at the wall near a set of stone steps with another): Yeah, no. Look…Wolfman, is it? There’s a ring of keys hanging over there by the stairs. How about giving them a try?

Wolfman Rob (lumbering over to get the keys): Well, hell, girly, if that ain’t a great idea!

Señor Weaselo: It’s like watching a bear walk on its hind legs.

Otto’s Brain: A large, oily bear.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Be cool, guys. Like, he is saving us.

Wolfman Rob grabs the keys and trots back to the cell.

Wolfman Rob (jingling the keys): Hey, got ’em! Now which one’ll open up this door…?

Covalent Blonde (sighing): There are three keys. One is a car key, and one is for an airport locker, so…

Wolfman Rob (trying the car key): Naw, it ain’t this one…

Covalent Blonde (gritting her teeth): Try that big key…

Wolfman Rob (trying the airport locker key): Hmm, that ain’t it, either. Y’know, I had me an airport locker once! I think it was in Oakland…or was it Cleveland?

Covalent Blonde (reaching through the bars and grabbing a mass of Wolfman Rob’s chest hair): I swear, if you don’t use that key and open this cell, I am going to…

Wolfman Rob (grinning): Hey, now! I like a frisky gal as much as anyone, but this ain’t the time, darlin’! Course after I get you outta there, I’ll let ya buy ol’ Wolfman Rob a few drinks an’ we can…

Rosa (at the bottom of the stairs): Hey! What the heck is going on here?

Otto’s Brain: Crap! It’s one of those vampires!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Rob, like, stop her, man!

Rosa runs back up the stairs. Wolfman Rob drops the key ring and runs after her.

Covalent Blonde (straining to reach the key ring): Dammit, that little vampire bimbo is gonna kill Rob before I get the chance.

Cut to: JJ Fozz, still holding the spray can on Yolanda. They’re in a stare down, circling each other warily. From down the hallway they hear the fierce sounds of a scuffle going on. JJ Fozz turns toward the sound and Yolanda leaps toward him.

JJ Fozz (spraying Yolanda with the holy water): Nice try, honey, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before some bloodsucker gets the drop on a Fozz!

Yolanda recoils from the spray. Her fangs grow and her eyes dilate. She opens her mouth in a fierce snarl and then…she sneezes.

It’s not a monstrous sneeze, either. It’s one of those little teeny-tiny girl sneezes. Yolanda looks pretty embarrassed about it.

Yolanda: Chu! Chu!

JJ Fozz (still holding the spray can menacingly): What the living hell? You sound like Horatio!

Yolanda: Hijo de un… Chu! Chu!

Yolanda starts toward JJ Fozz, but he sprays her again.

Yolanda (retreating towards the stairs that Lilith went up): Chu! Chu! Chu!

JJ Fozz (triumphantly): And there’s more where that came from!

The sounds of struggle from down the hallway get more intense. JJ Fozz heads in that direction.

JJ Fozz (turning the corner): Hey, Wolfman Rob, is that yo-

JJ Fozz stops dead in his tracks. His eyes grow huge as a look of horror falls over his face.

JJ Fozz (stricken): Oh, my stars and garters…

Cut to: The DFOers and luchadores down in the dungeon. Covalent Blonde has retrieved the key ring and unlocks the cell door.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (rushing up the stairs): Wolfman Rob! Like, hold on, man, we’re coming!

Covalent Blonde (pocketing the key ring absently as she chases Marc): Marc, hold on! I’ve got a bone to pick with that Valley Girl vamp…

Low Commander (picking up Otto’s Brain): Is it always this exciting being with the DFO?

Otto’s Brain: Oh, sure. You should’ve been here for the Great Cookie Wars a few years ago.

Señor Weaselo: This Hombre Lobo Rob…could he be the infamous luchador...?

La Araña Discoteca: No pueden haber dos…¿puede ser?

Cut to: The top of the stairs. The DFOers round the corner and stop dead in their tracks as they spot Wolfman Rob and Rosa the vampire entwined in the unlikely sexual position known as the Passion Propeller. Standing on the opposite side of the couple is JJ Fozz, who looks as morbidly confused as everyone else.

Wolfman Rob (as he spins past Marc Trestmans Windowless Van): Marc! Hey, buddy! Guess what?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, like…dude…! She’s, like, a vampire, man!

Wolfman Rob: Ah, hell, me an’ Rosa go back years! Ain’t that right, gal?

Rosa (spinning Wolfman Rob): Like, totally! Wolfman Robbie was creeping on me way back when I was still human!

JJ Fozz: Guh…

Wolfman Rob (trying to look back over his shoulder): Hey, Fozz, is that you? Rosa, be a darlin’ and spin me ’round again!

Everyone (as the naked, oily, hairy Wolfman Rob spins around): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Cut to: Upstairs, where more naked things are taking place, because this is Chapter 69 and for some weird reason all of the perverts on the Door Flies Open website got super-duper excited and got their expectations waaaay up, which forced the hard-working, unappreciated author to actually reflect on his life’s decisions and how they led him down this dark path of despair and…

What? Oh, right. The naked stuff. Yeah, okay. Well, Lilith is currently all kinds of nekkid on top of also-nekkid Ballsofsteelandfury, who is chained to an ornate slab of carved stone. She is reading aloud from her arcane tome in a language lost to the ravages of time.

Lilith (reading from the book): Ar tiamatis ne xanath..

Ballsofsteelandfury: Look, this is great and all…really! But maybe you could unchain me? Trust me, my power is all in my hands.

Lilith (sighing, looking up from the book): For the last time, no. And stop interrupting me. I want to get through this incantation before sunrise.

Ballsofsteelandfury: And then what happens?

Lilith: I slice open your throat with a ceremonial dagger and use your blood to bring the old gods to earth to begin a reign of terror that will last ten thousand years.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Yeah, OK, pass. I think I wanna pass on that.

Lilith (bouncing up and down): Do you seriously want me to stop?

Ballsofsteelandfury (after considering for maybe half of a second): Ah…no. Forget I said anything.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Yolanda rushes in, still sneezing.

Yolanda: Chu! Lilith! Tenemos un colado!

Lilith: I am trying to get an incantation done here. Can’t you handle it?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Yeah, maybe come back in five minutes…?

Yolanda: ¡Pero me aventó el agua bendita! Chu!

Lilith: Holy water? How…quaint. Who is this intruder?

Yolanda: Dice que se llama Fozz.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Fozz is here? Hey, can we speed this up a bit?

Lilith (getting off of Ballsofsteelandfury): Yolanda, stay and watch over this one. I will take care of this “Fozz,” and then we will finish the incantation.

Still naked, Lilith departs down the stairs. Yolanda stands around uncomfortably.

Ballsofsteelandfury (with an awkward finger gun from his manacled hand): Hey…how you doin’?

Yolanda: Chu!

To be continued…