Greetings from sunny Rialto, California. That’s not where I am right now – it’s where I’ll be when this open thread posts. The forecast for today calls for a high of 103°, and I’ll be working outdoors.
(Rikki-Tikki-Deadly – Artist’s Conception)
The work is relatively straightforward, and I should be able to hide in my car and crank the air conditioning, so I suppose I’ll survive. I’m not jealous of NFL players, though, who will be suffering…[touches earpiece]…WHAT? TRAINING CAMP DOESN’T START FOR ANOTHER THREE WEEKS? GODDAMN IT WILL THIS INFERNAL OFFSEASON NEVER END?
With no football news worthy of mentioning (the top NFL story on ESPN.com right now is something by Darren Rovell about how Derek Carr’s bonus for deferring some salary until the team arrives in Las Vegas), all basketball news having to do with meaningless trades and salary cap issues (it’s going to be Warriors-Cavaliers from here on out until Obliteration of the Self catches on and Eastasia gets into the game), all the hockey rinks having melted into puddles of blue-tinged slush, and baseball being baseball, let’s turn our eyes to a sport that often goes unappreciated around here: tennis.
I’ve often held that tennis is one of the best tests of athleticism. Unlike a lot of other sports, being big doesn’t automatically make you better at tennis. It might make you better at certain aspects of tennis, but it’s not a guarantee of success.
(pictured: John Isner, who measures in at 6’10” but has never won a Grand Slam)
Being fast is good too, but it’s not the end-all be-all.
(pictured: David Ferrer, one of the fastest players on tour but who also has never won a Grand Slam)
Not even having giant boobs can give you that much of an edge.
(pictured: Simona Halep, who climbed all the way to #2 in the rankings after having breast reduction surgery)
Your best bet: being a hyper-competitive dickhead.
(pictured: Lleyton Hewitt, one of the most hated athletes in the game. Also winner of two Grand Slam titles.)
Anyhow, Wimbledon is in full swing, so you should be watching it. Have fun out there.
This is definitely good that I’m fucking around online instead of doing actual work.
Well they say it’s not hard being the second stomach. Best not to ruminat–
/phone slapped from hand, slapped
You want to come take some of tWBS and my fake money?
Can’t. No laptop. And I’m at my mom’s. Plus math would be hard now.
Bet you’d find a laptop if there were a sudden statehood/independence referendum.
/I’ve got nothing
I know one thing: DC becoming a state would cripple the Puerto Rican sloganeering market.
You can have the “Taxation Without Representation” license plates and Marion Berry
PR’s about to send seven “congresspersons” to DC to demand statehood. Among them Pudge Rodríguez. Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way.
Is Pudge familiar with what happened the last time PR tried to demand something from Congress?
Eskimos have 1,000 words for snow. We boricuas know a million ways to make a scene.
I’ll tell you what my Dream Statehood would be. We send our Reps. and Senators , and every Saturday AND Sunday, in the Capitol’s parking lot, their aides (my patriotic compatriotas), wash their cars, break out the beers, and put the filthiest most annoying trap BLASTING. A taste:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Fw9xFEf4DSc
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
He never should’ve taken that offer as a lab assistant for the Animal Husbandry professor.
Do we think Balls is waking up in 4.5 hours to watch the Doggies take on Adelaide?
Yes.
Please, God. Is it too much to ask for a killer asteroid?
I thought we had to keep on trying until we reached the Highest Ground.
I’ll show myself out.
Forget it. Let’s go home. They got SYMBOLS/POWER.
Sounds like a fun Saturday evening.
The only thing I remember about Mats Wilander was reading about how chill he was.
https://www.si.com/vault/1988/05/23/117713/in-the-comfort-zone-mats-wilander-is-happy-being-almost-the-top-tennis-player-in-the-world-question-is-will-he-take-the-next-step
Encore from yesterday;
Look at that lighting. The hard key is on the floor in front of the car, reflecting up. The top lines of the car silhouette against the backdrop. Highlights at the nose and on the tail. That’s it. Minimal set. And that color, only if it’s done perfectly, is incredible.
PLUS A CLASSY DAME ON STAIRS!
This is what my mom had when I was a kid. She sold it when we had a nice view of the road going by through the floor in front of the seats.
http://cdn.barrett-jackson.com/staging/carlist/items/Fullsize/Cars/138283/138283_Front_3-4_Web.jpg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmin5WkOuPw
Need to get up at the ass crack of dawn for another flight, so…poker?
Oh, sorry, you said poker.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
tag me if you get your connection back.
Tag
Tagged you, bit just the tip went in.
More than enough, big boy.
COOL! Time for PIZZA!!
More Charisma, where they found an excuse to put her in a bikini in Angel because Why Not?
https://gfycat.com/InfatuatedFakeIcelandgull
https://gfycat.com/UniqueGloomyDinosaur
https://gfycat.com/DarlingForcefulEasternnewt
tWBS mentioned Charisma Carpenter earlier, and I’m required by law to share these clips of her topless from the 50 Shades knockoff (that was probably actually better) called Bound (the title of a better sex movie). https://gfycat.com/AncientUnrulyEuropeanpolecat
https://gfycat.com/TepidNeedyGnat
Hey man, don’t draw me into your weird perversions.
/watches gif
//draw me in, draw me in
A beautiful woman; the “surgeon” who did her boob-job needs to be eviscerated. Yeah, I went there.
She also has a great ass. I don’t think that was tainted. https://imgur.com/a/Xec1f
Correct; that is just to the north.
And the Nobel Prize for Literally goes to…
…. and figuratively….
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115736/
The Wachowskis actually hired a Fisting Consultant for this.
Good to see Mike Tice branching out.
Took the pooch to a dog friendly brewery tonight. Damn, if I had the wherewithal to capitalize on the attention she gets.
I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.
Mandy Minella https://imgur.com/a/849em
Hingis was mentioned earlier; the old school (post 1960s) tennis outfits were better IMO.
http://www.wtnphotos.com/data/501/martina_butt.jpg
I’d stab that, too
Fuck yeah they were.
Unrelated to anything, but MEW is really attractive.
Long ago, a girl just like that one friendzoned me. #StoryBro
You may have gotten a better result than I.
Take out “sexy” and that was what happened back then. Then I found out the dark arts: confidence and bullshit.
Some naked women hockey players. Tastefully covered because fucking ESPN can’t do anything right.
https://pixxxels.org/gallery/iqf96key/
I’m just here so I won’t be fined.
Do y’all like Caroline Wozniacki? https://gfycat.com/FineUltimateHoneybadger
SI Swimsuit Issue: https://imgur.com/a/rgFq1
“Been there, done that.”
— Rory McIlroy
Who wouldn’t? https://imgur.com/a/7I7d7
Even post-Rory, I’d serve left.
Hmmm? Yes, yes. The athleticism. That’s why I’d watch tennis. Sure. Whatever.
So I met Rialto’s answer to George Zimmerman today. Came out of his house wearing a kercheif on his face and took pictures of me. Demanded to see some identification so I gave him an expired license. I can understand being suspicious of people if you’ve had burglaries lately, but do burglars walk around in broad daylight wearing orange vests? Use some common sense, man.
Please tell me you’re joking.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
So obvious that you can’t possibly be it, but then you are! It’s the perfect outfit!
Crazy like a
foxraving madman.Were you on his lawn?
Oh my me. Jesus and a Louisville persuasion just stops it all don’t it?
Well, to be fair, you are pretty white.
Did he at least offer to frisk you?
Well, if that’s all you were wearing I can see the concern.
At least he was wearing protection
I had a boss that swore by this car. He also swore by 15 year olds. Much like his car I’m sure he too is on registries.
There’s a guy who still rocks this. Sans irony.
I would rock the hell out of that.
He thinks he troubles the youth. Fornicators will die, etc. Then they openly fingerblast themselves to oblivion.
He likes ’em cold, I presume?
Keep watching, he just might make it!
https://youtube.com/watch?v=2dy7Cg36qfY
103?
That’s a joke. 103 is draining.
It’s gonna be 108 tomorrow. Glad I got my shit done today.
Yeah, I hate taking a dump in the heat……
-Ryan Tannehill, September
Lleyton Hewitt, pro golfer:
Is Shooter sponsored by Dillard’s?
Lleyton Hewitt, Bowler:
Lleyton Hewitt, weightlifter:
…and possible concussion victim.
“Glad nothing like that ever happened to Trent Green during his career.”
— Trent Green
Made a home warranty claim today, as my a/c unit couldn’t keep up and the temperature spiked all the way to 78-79 today. I felt MOAR animal than man, and this shit will not abide.
I love fucking tennis. Mal Washington was great, as was Goran Ivanisovic. Once those two retired, I mostly lost interest though.
Espnnews for you folk has the LioUns v Alouettes and it is really good for a low scoring game.
You are giving an update on the game, not screaming about something unrelated to sports. Also I see no signs of making racist comments that are disguised as normal comments.
My apologies, french women from Quebec are fantastique.
I honestly midread it at the top. thought you were giving an ESPN News update… Even on that channel they don’t do that anymore, right?
What do they do?
I was looking through lists of hot tennis players. This one just needs to be posted for the Camel toe
http://herbeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ivanovich_31.jpg
I saw her play at La Costa and had seats so close that she was within 10 feet at times. She photographs better than she looks in real life – she’s pretty but too lanky for my tastes.
Remember, friends, never go on a Japanese gameshow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYv1PIwH5Mc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW6M8D41ZWU
Y’know, watching the actual video and not the badly dubbed version of it… changes absolutely nothing about the weirdness of this song.
Hottest tennis player?
As a young’un I really had a thing for Hingis.
I don’t know if this is my final answer, first thought
http://media1.santabanta.com/full1/Lawn%20Tennis/Maria%20Sharapova/maria-sharapova-96a.jpg
Ace-King in poker is called the “Anna Kournikova” because it looks good and never wins anything.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
I was irrationally into Hingis, too. Unfortunately not literally.
ME 3!! Everyone made fun of me for liking her, but I ain’t care. I actually have a picture somewhere of me posing next to her Madame Tussaid’s wax figure pretending to grab her ass.
Something something midichlorians grumble grumble black swan
Hehehehehehehe.
Yeah, I’m on board with Hingis. She does coke, too, so you know she likes to party.
Was she the one who used to always grunt annoyingly, or was that Monica Seles?
/finds the Sharapova grunt endearing, btw
//shut up
You talking bout Arancha Sanchez-Vicario?
/also dig her grunting
You know, out of context, we could probably get arrested for these comments.
Tennis is for boring white people. There I said it.
Apparently they’re coming up with Candy Crush, the TV show. I didn’t know the barrel had a sub-basement.
I think that’s marvelous. The only way they could make it better is if they have a deep stentorian announcer introduce the program as:
“CANDY CRUSH – – IN COLOR”
Maybe it’s about a third full. Still to come out are Oxy Clean: The Movie, then those non-stick pans get a Showtime miniseries.
So my dog has an arm injury where he licked away all the fur. I put on some Neosporin just now. He spent the next minute licking every bit of it off. It wasn’t just a get this shit off me thing he actually seemed to like the smell and taste.
Would putting him in the Cone Of Shame help matters?
He would think that thing is a fun game. I will not reward him right now.
In all seriousness MTWV…I didn’t bring that up earlier. But the cone of shame could become necessary if he won’t stop.
I am aware. Hoping it doesn’t get that bad. The scab/irritation/whatever doesn’t actually look that bad for now, but he just won’t stop licking it occasionally
He will live. Weirdly, but yes. My boy does the same.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=6Z0k5yiCmFs
It’s only fun when you’re pissing me off.
Ugh…try aloe. Then the chewy pill.
Oooooops.
Lemme come up with a plan b, I guess.
Got any Tabasco sauce?
(THIS IS A JOKE…DO NOT PUT TABASCO ON RAW INFLAMED SKIN!!!!)
This might be worth a try. But gotta get the inflammation under control first if at all possible.
https://www.petco.com/shop/en/petcostore/product/grannicks-bitter-apple
Where the hell have you been?
I’m not sure I fully understand the nature of your inquiry.
My grandfather tried that to keep his dog from eating the plants. The dog wound up eating the sprayed plants first. Strange dog, he was a Golden and the meanest non-abused dog I’ve ever met.
Regarding Simona Halep, all I’ve got to say is:
My goodness!
http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=02212007
http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=02222007
I want yeah right and low commanders report on the live show.
Well, if yeah right ever offers to buy tickets to a show, you let him! We were row R, so 18 rows from the stage. it was 97 degrees in the sun, for which we sat for the first 90ish minutes of the show before the merciful shade hit us. The Melvins were on first, and, they were alright. Buzz has seen better days…
Fantômas was up next, and Mike Patton’s mic malfunctioned through pretty much the whole set. It was cool to finally see Trevor Dunn play bass live, but Dave Lombardo stole the set on drums. They played too long despite the malfunction, which cut into…
CLUTCH! Seen them once before during the Earth Rocker tour, and god damn did they not disappoint. Neil is just too fucking good. They played mostly songs off the latest two albums, with Profits of Doom and Electric Worry (duh) thrown in. The guy sitting next to me had never heard of them and after they finished told me he could leave right now and be completely content with the show.
I have never seen Primus live before, and I was a fan before, but I am a FAN now. Les just oozes talent Our entire row was headbanging at some point, possibly when the Whamola and pig mask came out for Mr. Krinkle. They opened with Blue Collar Tweekers, because, San Bernardino, and basically played all their hits. I was speechless after.
I like Tool, but wouldn’t consider myself a fan [ducks bottle thrown by WCS] and they put on a fun show after the sun went down. I found myself enjoying the trippy visuals more than the music itself, and we left a bit after halfway through after being warned it can take 2 hours to leave the venue when everyone gets out. It was the right call, as our motel neighbors at the show got home about 2.5 hours after us.
Beers were $12-16 a piece, and we have 4 each. I regret nothing!
If only Trump weren’t in office, this could easily be one of the weirdest stories of the year. Gay sex drug-fuelled priest orgy busted up in the Vatican, and the Pope is piiiiiiissed.
https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/ywgpa5/police-broke-up-a-drug-fueled-vatican-priest-orgy?utm_campaign=Global&utm_source=dmfb
Very weird. Everyone was apparently an adult.
That’s why they needed so many drugs
They are only in trouble because they got caught and were made public. Otherwise, this is probably business as usual.
yup!
Simona Halep would have had better success before surgery if she’d been playing Martina Navratilova.
“Well that does it! I’m working from home tomorrow, and I dare anyone here to stop me!”
[Empty office offers no reply]
“Yeah, that’s what I thought!”
[Struts on his way out, tripping over the door frame and falling hard on the sidewalk]
That Simona Halep is an unexpected surprise.
I was channel surfing and I seem to have landed on a terrible horror movie, starring Charisma Carpenter. I mean, it is terrible. But….Charisma Carpenter.
You are a grown adult. You have Netflix, just turn on Angel.
Honestly just had to check. fuck you Netflix why did you get rid of Angel? Stop getting rid of all the old shows I go there to watch.
Rialto? Gross. That’s like San Bernardino’s taint.
Well let’s get this right. If Modesto is California’s armpit, Bakersfield is the asshole, and San Bernardino is the taint, I believe that makes Rialto… taint adjacent?
Ok, yes. Perhaps it’s the main source of fromunda cheese.
Much like cowbell, the only answer is more Patton. Your argument is pointless.
But is it a dry heat?
-Anyone over 55
Don, there is nothing I could say heat wise on this earth thaty ou don’t deal with in P.R. every sweaty day. It is hot here, very hot for us northerners but I ain’t bitching as – 30 is around the corner.