Your “Holy Shit It’s Viper!” Thursday Afternoon Thread

Greetings from sunny Rialto, California.  That’s not where I am right now – it’s where I’ll be when this open thread posts.  The forecast for today calls for a high of 103°, and I’ll be working outdoors.

(Rikki-Tikki-Deadly – Artist’s Conception)

The work is relatively straightforward, and I should be able to hide in my car and crank the air conditioning, so I suppose I’ll survive.  I’m not jealous of NFL players, though, who will be suffering…[touches earpiece]…WHAT?  TRAINING CAMP DOESN’T START FOR ANOTHER THREE WEEKS?  GODDAMN IT WILL THIS INFERNAL OFFSEASON NEVER END?

With no football news worthy of mentioning (the top NFL story on ESPN.com right now is something by Darren Rovell about how Derek Carr’s bonus for deferring some salary until the team arrives in Las Vegas), all basketball news having to do with meaningless trades and salary cap issues (it’s going to be Warriors-Cavaliers from here on out until Obliteration of the Self catches on and Eastasia gets into the game), all the hockey rinks having melted into puddles of blue-tinged slush, and baseball being baseball, let’s turn our eyes to a sport that often goes unappreciated around here: tennis.

I’ve often held that tennis is one of the best tests of athleticism.  Unlike a lot of other sports, being big doesn’t automatically make you better at tennis.  It might make you better at certain aspects of tennis, but it’s not a guarantee of success.

(pictured: John Isner, who measures in at 6’10” but has never won a Grand Slam)

Being fast is good too, but it’s not the end-all be-all.

(pictured: David Ferrer, one of the fastest players on tour but who also has never won a Grand Slam)

Not even having giant boobs can give you that much of an edge.

(pictured: Simona Halep, who climbed all the way to #2 in the rankings after having breast reduction surgery)

Your best bet: being a hyper-competitive dickhead.

(pictured: Lleyton Hewitt, one of the most hated athletes in the game.  Also winner of two Grand Slam titles.)

Anyhow, Wimbledon is in full swing, so you should be watching it.  Have fun out there.

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

This is definitely good that I’m fucking around online instead of doing actual work.

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don T

Well they say it’s not hard being the second stomach. Best not to ruminat–
/phone slapped from hand, slapped

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You want to come take some of tWBS and my fake money?

Don T

Can’t. No laptop. And I’m at my mom’s. Plus math would be hard now.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bet you’d find a laptop if there were a sudden statehood/independence referendum.

/I’ve got nothing

Don T

I know one thing: DC becoming a state would cripple the Puerto Rican sloganeering market.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You can have the “Taxation Without Representation” license plates and Marion Berry

Don T

PR’s about to send seven “congresspersons” to DC to demand statehood. Among them Pudge Rodríguez. Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is Pudge familiar with what happened the last time PR tried to demand something from Congress?

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Don T

Eskimos have 1,000 words for snow. We boricuas know a million ways to make a scene.

Don T

I’ll tell you what my Dream Statehood would be. We send our Reps. and Senators , and every Saturday AND Sunday, in the Capitol’s parking lot, their aides (my patriotic compatriotas), wash their cars, break out the beers, and put the filthiest most annoying trap BLASTING. A taste:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Fw9xFEf4DSc

Romonobyl

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Unsurprised

He never should’ve taken that offer as a lab assistant for the Animal Husbandry professor.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do we think Balls is waking up in 4.5 hours to watch the Doggies take on Adelaide?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Yes.

Unsurprised

Please, God. Is it too much to ask for a killer asteroid?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

I thought we had to keep on trying until we reached the Highest Ground.

I’ll show myself out.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don T

Forget it. Let’s go home. They got SYMBOLS/POWER.

Unsurprised

Sounds like a fun Saturday evening.

Brick Meathook

Encore from yesterday;
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Look at that lighting. The hard key is on the floor in front of the car, reflecting up. The top lines of the car silhouette against the backdrop. Highlights at the nose and on the tail. That’s it. Minimal set. And that color, only if it’s done perfectly, is incredible.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

PLUS A CLASSY DAME ON STAIRS!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is what my mom had when I was a kid. She sold it when we had a nice view of the road going by through the floor in front of the seats.

http://cdn.barrett-jackson.com/staging/carlist/items/Fullsize/Cars/138283/138283_Front_3-4_Web.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

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Unsurprised
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Need to get up at the ass crack of dawn for another flight, so…poker?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, sorry, you said poker.
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WCS

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

theeWeeBabySeamus

tag me if you get your connection back.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Tag

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tagged you, bit just the tip went in.

theeWeeBabySeamus

More than enough, big boy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

COOL! Time for PIZZA!!

Unsurprised

More Charisma, where they found an excuse to put her in a bikini in Angel because Why Not?

https://gfycat.com/InfatuatedFakeIcelandgull

https://gfycat.com/UniqueGloomyDinosaur

https://gfycat.com/DarlingForcefulEasternnewt

Unsurprised

tWBS mentioned Charisma Carpenter earlier, and I’m required by law to share these clips of her topless from the 50 Shades knockoff (that was probably actually better) called Bound (the title of a better sex movie). https://gfycat.com/AncientUnrulyEuropeanpolecat

https://gfycat.com/TepidNeedyGnat

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey man, don’t draw me into your weird perversions.
/watches gif
//draw me in, draw me in

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A beautiful woman; the “surgeon” who did her boob-job needs to be eviscerated. Yeah, I went there.

Unsurprised

She also has a great ass. I don’t think that was tainted. https://imgur.com/a/Xec1f

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Correct; that is just to the north.

Don T

And the Nobel Prize for Literally goes to…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

…. and figuratively….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

The Wachowskis actually hired a Fisting Consultant for this.

Don T

Good to see Mike Tice branching out.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Took the pooch to a dog friendly brewery tonight. Damn, if I had the wherewithal to capitalize on the attention she gets.

Unsurprised

I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.

Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hingis was mentioned earlier; the old school (post 1960s) tennis outfits were better IMO.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

I’d stab that, too

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Fuck yeah they were.

Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

Unrelated to anything, but MEW is really attractive.

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Don T

Long ago, a girl just like that one friendzoned me. #StoryBro

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You may have gotten a better result than I.

Don T

Take out “sexy” and that was what happened back then. Then I found out the dark arts: confidence and bullshit.

Unsurprised

Some naked women hockey players. Tastefully covered because fucking ESPN can’t do anything right.

https://pixxxels.org/gallery/iqf96key/

Shogun Marcus

I’m just here so I won’t be fined.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Do y’all like Caroline Wozniacki? https://gfycat.com/FineUltimateHoneybadger

SI Swimsuit Issue: https://imgur.com/a/rgFq1

WCS

“Been there, done that.”

— Rory McIlroy

Unsurprised

Who wouldn’t? https://imgur.com/a/7I7d7

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Even post-Rory, I’d serve left.

Unsurprised

Hmmm? Yes, yes. The athleticism. That’s why I’d watch tennis. Sure. Whatever.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Please tell me you’re joking.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Senor Weaselo

So obvious that you can’t possibly be it, but then you are! It’s the perfect outfit!

Unsurprised

Crazy like a fox raving madman.

Brick Meathook

Were you on his lawn?

Shogun Marcus

Oh my me. Jesus and a Louisville persuasion just stops it all don’t it?

ballsofsteelandfury

Well, to be fair, you are pretty white.

litre_cola

Did he at least offer to frisk you?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

Well, if that’s all you were wearing I can see the concern.

Unsurprised

At least he was wearing protection

Brick Meathook

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Shogun Marcus

I had a boss that swore by this car. He also swore by 15 year olds. Much like his car I’m sure he too is on registries.

Brick Meathook

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Shogun Marcus

There’s a guy who still rocks this. Sans irony.

Brick Meathook

I would rock the hell out of that.

Shogun Marcus

He thinks he troubles the youth. Fornicators will die, etc. Then they openly fingerblast themselves to oblivion.

theeWeeBabySeamus

He likes ’em cold, I presume?

Shogun Marcus

Keep watching, he just might make it!
https://youtube.com/watch?v=2dy7Cg36qfY

blaxabbath

103?

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blaxabbath

That’s a joke. 103 is draining.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, I hate taking a dump in the heat……

Don T

-Ryan Tannehill, September

WCS

Lleyton Hewitt, pro golfer:

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blaxabbath

Is Shooter sponsored by Dillard’s?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Lleyton Hewitt, Bowler:
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Brick Meathook

Lleyton Hewitt, weightlifter:
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theeWeeBabySeamus

…and possible concussion victim.

WCS

“Glad nothing like that ever happened to Trent Green during his career.”

— Trent Green

Brick Meathook

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King Hippo

Made a home warranty claim today, as my a/c unit couldn’t keep up and the temperature spiked all the way to 78-79 today. I felt MOAR animal than man, and this shit will not abide.

King Hippo

I love fucking tennis. Mal Washington was great, as was Goran Ivanisovic. Once those two retired, I mostly lost interest though.

litre_cola

Espnnews for you folk has the LioUns v Alouettes and it is really good for a low scoring game.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You are giving an update on the game, not screaming about something unrelated to sports. Also I see no signs of making racist comments that are disguised as normal comments.

litre_cola

My apologies, french women from Quebec are fantastique.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I honestly midread it at the top. thought you were giving an ESPN News update… Even on that channel they don’t do that anymore, right?

Senor Weaselo

What do they do?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was looking through lists of hot tennis players. This one just needs to be posted for the Camel toe

http://herbeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ivanovich_31.jpg

Unsurprised

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Remember, friends, never go on a Japanese gameshow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYv1PIwH5Mc

Senor Weaselo

Y’know, watching the actual video and not the badly dubbed version of it… changes absolutely nothing about the weirdness of this song.

litre_cola

Hottest tennis player?
As a young’un I really had a thing for Hingis.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
theeWeeBabySeamus

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Horatio Cornblower

Ace-King in poker is called the “Anna Kournikova” because it looks good and never wins anything.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

I was irrationally into Hingis, too. Unfortunately not literally.

ballsofsteelandfury

ME 3!! Everyone made fun of me for liking her, but I ain’t care. I actually have a picture somewhere of me posing next to her Madame Tussaid’s wax figure pretending to grab her ass.

herodotus450

Something something midichlorians grumble grumble black swan
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehehehehe.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Was she the one who used to always grunt annoyingly, or was that Monica Seles?
/finds the Sharapova grunt endearing, btw
//shut up

herodotus450

You talking bout Arancha Sanchez-Vicario?

King Hippo

/also dig her grunting

theeWeeBabySeamus

You know, out of context, we could probably get arrested for these comments.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Tennis is for boring white people. There I said it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Senor Weaselo

Apparently they’re coming up with Candy Crush, the TV show. I didn’t know the barrel had a sub-basement.

Brick Meathook

I think that’s marvelous. The only way they could make it better is if they have a deep stentorian announcer introduce the program as:

“CANDY CRUSH – – IN COLOR”

Don T

Maybe it’s about a third full. Still to come out are Oxy Clean: The Movie, then those non-stick pans get a Showtime miniseries.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

So my dog has an arm injury where he licked away all the fur. I put on some Neosporin just now. He spent the next minute licking every bit of it off. It wasn’t just a get this shit off me thing he actually seemed to like the smell and taste.

The Maestro

Would putting him in the Cone Of Shame help matters?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

He would think that thing is a fun game. I will not reward him right now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

In all seriousness MTWV…I didn’t bring that up earlier. But the cone of shame could become necessary if he won’t stop.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am aware. Hoping it doesn’t get that bad. The scab/irritation/whatever doesn’t actually look that bad for now, but he just won’t stop licking it occasionally

Shogun Marcus

He will live. Weirdly, but yes. My boy does the same.

Shogun Marcus

It’s only fun when you’re pissing me off.

Shogun Marcus

Ugh…try aloe. Then the chewy pill.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oooooops.
Lemme come up with a plan b, I guess.

Got any Tabasco sauce?
(THIS IS A JOKE…DO NOT PUT TABASCO ON RAW INFLAMED SKIN!!!!)

theeWeeBabySeamus

This might be worth a try. But gotta get the inflammation under control first if at all possible.
https://www.petco.com/shop/en/petcostore/product/grannicks-bitter-apple

Shogun Marcus

Where the hell have you been?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not sure I fully understand the nature of your inquiry.

nomonkeyfun

My grandfather tried that to keep his dog from eating the plants. The dog wound up eating the sprayed plants first. Strange dog, he was a Golden and the meanest non-abused dog I’ve ever met.

Brick Meathook

Regarding Simona Halep, all I’ve got to say is:

My goodness!

Shogun Marcus

I want yeah right and low commanders report on the live show.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Well, if yeah right ever offers to buy tickets to a show, you let him! We were row R, so 18 rows from the stage. it was 97 degrees in the sun, for which we sat for the first 90ish minutes of the show before the merciful shade hit us. The Melvins were on first, and, they were alright. Buzz has seen better days…

Fantômas was up next, and Mike Patton’s mic malfunctioned through pretty much the whole set. It was cool to finally see Trevor Dunn play bass live, but Dave Lombardo stole the set on drums. They played too long despite the malfunction, which cut into…

CLUTCH! Seen them once before during the Earth Rocker tour, and god damn did they not disappoint. Neil is just too fucking good. They played mostly songs off the latest two albums, with Profits of Doom and Electric Worry (duh) thrown in. The guy sitting next to me had never heard of them and after they finished told me he could leave right now and be completely content with the show.

I have never seen Primus live before, and I was a fan before, but I am a FAN now. Les just oozes talent Our entire row was headbanging at some point, possibly when the Whamola and pig mask came out for Mr. Krinkle. They opened with Blue Collar Tweekers, because, San Bernardino, and basically played all their hits. I was speechless after.

I like Tool, but wouldn’t consider myself a fan [ducks bottle thrown by WCS] and they put on a fun show after the sun went down. I found myself enjoying the trippy visuals more than the music itself, and we left a bit after halfway through after being warned it can take 2 hours to leave the venue when everyone gets out. It was the right call, as our motel neighbors at the show got home about 2.5 hours after us.

Beers were $12-16 a piece, and we have 4 each. I regret nothing!

Don T

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The Maestro

If only Trump weren’t in office, this could easily be one of the weirdest stories of the year. Gay sex drug-fuelled priest orgy busted up in the Vatican, and the Pope is piiiiiiissed.

https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/ywgpa5/police-broke-up-a-drug-fueled-vatican-priest-orgy?utm_campaign=Global&utm_source=dmfb

nomonkeyfun

Very weird. Everyone was apparently an adult.

King Hippo

That’s why they needed so many drugs

Brick Meathook

They are only in trouble because they got caught and were made public. Otherwise, this is probably business as usual.

King Hippo

yup!

nomonkeyfun

Simona Halep would have had better success before surgery if she’d been playing Martina Navratilova.

herodotus450

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Well that does it! I’m working from home tomorrow, and I dare anyone here to stop me!”
[Empty office offers no reply]
“Yeah, that’s what I thought!”
[Struts on his way out, tripping over the door frame and falling hard on the sidewalk]

theeWeeBabySeamus

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litre_cola

That Simona Halep is an unexpected surprise.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was channel surfing and I seem to have landed on a terrible horror movie, starring Charisma Carpenter. I mean, it is terrible. But….Charisma Carpenter.
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You are a grown adult. You have Netflix, just turn on Angel.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Honestly just had to check. fuck you Netflix why did you get rid of Angel? Stop getting rid of all the old shows I go there to watch.

SonOfSpam

Rialto? Gross. That’s like San Bernardino’s taint.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Well let’s get this right. If Modesto is California’s armpit, Bakersfield is the asshole, and San Bernardino is the taint, I believe that makes Rialto… taint adjacent?

SonOfSpam

Ok, yes. Perhaps it’s the main source of fromunda cheese.

Shogun Marcus

Much like cowbell, the only answer is more Patton. Your argument is pointless.

Don T

But is it a dry heat?
-Anyone over 55

litre_cola

Don, there is nothing I could say heat wise on this earth thaty ou don’t deal with in P.R. every sweaty day. It is hot here, very hot for us northerners but I ain’t bitching as – 30 is around the corner.