Your “What Fresh Hell Is This?” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

The first stills for the HBO Sandusky movie came out today, and the best comment at Deadspin was about how it’ll be the second time Pacino has played a blind guy.

NFL News:

  • Today was franchise-tag day for teams to negotiate deals or leave players alone for the season.
    • Winners include Kirk Cousins, Le’Veon Bell and Trumaine Johnson, who will each play one year at at Top-5 salary & then either hit the marker or attempt to negotiate fresh deals.
      • If Cousins gets franchised a third time, his salary will leap to $34 million.
      • Bell apparently wanted more than LeSean McCoy’s five-year, $40-million deal.
  • The Panthers fired GM Dave Gettleman today.
    • Bitter ex-Panthers reacted accordingly:

  • Zeke’s had more fun in Dallas bars. He’s being investigated for punching someone in the face/nose during an argument between two groups of people.
    • This happened in advance of the NFL deciding upon his penalty for spousal assault allegations from last year, which surely doesn’t help the cause.
      • Obligatory.
    • On the Zeke front, SBNation’s Cowboys blog had a delightful post earlier about how the League now just set the bar for the “unprovable accusation” at one-game, allowing vindictive partners to effectively blackmail the accused a paycheque.
      • They’ve since realized the error of their ways meekly apologized for being douchebags.
  • Finally, in what seems like a very sancimonious “FUCK YOU!”, the Lions have extended an offer to Megatron to come to training camp.
    • It’s very obviously a trick so they can try & reclaim more of the money they feel he should pay back.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Rangers at Orioles – 7:00PM | TSN
    • Blue Jays at Red Sox – 7:00PM | ESPN / Sportsnet
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00 PM | USA / Sportsnet360
  • World Series of Poker:
    • 2017 Main Event – 7:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN2
  • International Friendly Soccer:
    • Real Salt Lake vs. Manchester United – 10:00PM | ESPN2

The answer to the headline’s question? ART BERGMANN!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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blaxabbathMarc Trestmans Windowless VanBrettFavresColonoscopyJerBear50Moose -The End Is Well Nigh Recent comment authors
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I woke up on my own without beeps at 5 am. I had hoped they were finally done with the one corner next to my house after 3 years. Still a pit and the equipment is here now.

blaxabbath

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wait, we’re doing a DFO death pool? Why not a tontine?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why isn’t Mitch McConnell forced to carry this failed health care bill to term?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

He lays eggs so he doesn’t worry about his young.

blaxabbath

Because he’s special.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LET’S SPREAD THE JOY! LET’S PARTAY!

JerBear50
JerBear50

American Gothic- suburbs edition.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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It is too bad funeral stripper never really caught on.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Ook. Ook.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy
theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don T

After obsessing way too much about it, here goes: Washington can only lose with this Kirk Cousins franchise tag business.
/thinking
Yeah.

WCS

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At least the tag business is costing them way more straight out money than if they would have signed him when he was an “unknown commodity”, when it was pretty clear Griffin wasn’t the deal. They are not convinced; but they only have much worse choices at this point.

THAT’S JUST GOOD SITUATIONAL MANAGEMENT.

Don T

I agree. It’s the safe, expensive bet. Good for Cousins. He’s the bizarro Flacco.

theeWeeBabySeamus

WCS

How coked out were the movie executives that decided, “HELL, YES, AN ‘ANNABELLE’ PREQUEL IS A GREAT IDEA”?

theeWeeBabySeamus

We’ve got coke?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

No, we’re just big fans of horizontal mirrors.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have no idea of the concept. I rank their coked up more then the people they had tied up for the movie.

WCS

I don’t what’s weirder: the fact that Annabelle was just plain shitty, or, it’s sequel (somehow) is apparently… really good?

Of course, Cleveland a pro sports championship, and Trump is President. This is the Upside Down.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

theeWeeBabySeamus

Young Guns and Michael McDonald still waiting for their royalties.
/has no basis in fact for this probably false statement, just playing the odds

JerBear50
JerBear50

I must’ve watched Above The Rim at least 25 times when it came out.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://www.msn.com/en-us/travel/news/delta-snaps-back-after-ann-coulter-tweetstorm/ar-BBEztrS?OCID=ansmsnnews11

I don’t particularly like Delta; but this influences my choices in their favor.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Big Black Richard
Big Black Richard

By the way, picking me in the DFO Death Pool would be a bad choice. I wake up every morning feeling a little bit disappointed that I didn’t die in my sleep. This ALONE guarantees that I will live to be 90, because God is a spiteful prick.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Braggart

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m dead emotionally.
Totes counts n junk.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I will go with Bowie to start

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I really am bored. Should I create a theme of boobs or music to get people here?

ballsofsteelandfury

80085

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Yes I already know you are an asexual monster designed to cause chaos. Still love ya.

ballsofsteelandfury

Asexual???

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Damn, I showed up at the wrong time. Holy fuck…dat azzz.

Back in ten.
(five)

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

2

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Ok. fine. I will get you off whatever the stakes then just leave you because I have no real feelings for you. I am not an evil person.

JerBear50
JerBear50

//checks pager

Don T

Steve Smith, Sr. was born to have the last laugh.
/salute

Big Black Richard
Big Black Richard

Steve Smith, Sr. was born to have the last laugh……..and punch babies.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Who likes babies?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

So I’d figure I’d throw out a story of the day since no one else is saying anything. I clomped down the stairs today, walked like Frankenstein’s monster into the kitchen (still have hurt ankles). My dad was making breakfast. Got Ice from the fridge. Got a soda. Then my dad saw me and completely freaked out like I was someone trying to kill him. Yelled like I had stabbed him or something. Told me to never sneak up on him again. I just walked into the kitchen. He then yelled at nothing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That happens to me a lot. I’m pretty sure it’s cause I don’t have a soul.

Don T

Walk louder next time. Example:
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Shogun Marcus

The tambourine will always be inferior to the cowbell.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Waitaminute…McBain was an actual real movie?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102422/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_22

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

herodotus450
herodotus450

Christopher Walken

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

There is talk of a DFO death pool and no one is picking me? WTF. I thought I was gonna seize to death last night

King Hippo

ahem, Heath Ledger anyone??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The word “seize” triggers me after all those 3rd and long defensive holding penalties on the Raiders.

Shogun Marcus

Did you eat yet? Answer had better be yes. Food, not alcohol!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was good yesterday. Still had a thing happen at like 2 am

*actually I think it was much earlier than that. I would have to check the other post to confirm a time*

Shogun Marcus

Boo. Unlike.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I picked you.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Thank you. I like this guy

ballsofsteelandfury

To be fair, I didn’t want to skew the odds. Buy low sell high, that kind of thing.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Smart gambler.

ballsofsteelandfury

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ballsofsteelandfury

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…then either hit the marker or attempt to negotiate fresh deals.

Fun fact: “hitting the marker” is what Ryan and Todd have to do with an errant Sharpie when they have unable to negotiate any fresh deals lately.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m watching the Bob’s Burgers “Bog to Beach” episode. I fucking LOVE Teddy!!

WCS

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Shogun Marcus

Ryan Stiles (Whose Line/Drew Carey) does not age. I call pod person.

WCS

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Senor Weaselo

And this is a bad thing how?

laserguru

I’ve got a little good news to share. Got the lab results from my annual checkup today. As most of you know I’m not exactly a young person. The doctor looked at the results and said “If you were to hand these results to any doctor or nurse practitioner with the age of patient covered up they would probably say these are the lab results of someone in their 20’s.”

He cleared me to travel and even “Climb Machu Picchu.” He said I should live into my 90’s and should have an excellent quality of life getting there.

I told him “You know, I really do try to be healthy.”

He said “No. You’re not trying. You’re DOING! Keep it up.”

I feel so good that I’m going to pound the shit out of some alcohol when I get home tonight.

No joke. These were the best lab results I’ve EVER had.

That’s pretty goddamn cool.

ballsofsteelandfury

Good job, my friend! Well done!

laserguru

My cholesterol is 164.

164!!!!

Romonobyl

That’s outstanding! I always say, what’s in your mind means more than what’s on the grill.
I don’t always say that, actually that was the first time, but you get the idea.

laserguru

I feel so good I want to get high!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Shit, I ALWAYS pick the wrong person in the death pool.

ballsofsteelandfury

Oooh! A DFO Death Pool! Should we post odds? My bet will vary depending on whether Sill knows where Blax lives.

If he does, I pick Sill.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Picking cbque would be cheating I think

Senor Weaselo

Padre Weaselo is motorcycling his way around fuck-if-I-know and found a store called Condoms Galore. I feel like I need to ask why you need an entire store for condoms. I can see an aisle, but a whole store? That seems excessive.

ballsofsteelandfury

and now we see why Senor Weaselo is not getting laid as often as he would like…

Senor Weaselo

I could probably do a series on that, it would be the antithesis of tWBS’s Tina EFF!

ballsofsteelandfury

DO IT!

Call it “Stealing Chastity from the grasp of Promiscuity”

Romonobyl

Do they carry some of the, um, smaller sizes? Asking for a friend.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I have to admit, I once pissed off a group full of people when I tried to make the point that being a famous athlete is not necessarily a good thing when it comes to getting into legal trouble.

Especially if you are black athlete, lots of prosecutors want to make their nut off of sending off an “uppity” athlete.

Lots of shit that would never cost the average person their job, will fuck up an athletic career because so many parents scream “think of the children!!!”

King Hippo

It can either be really good, or really bad. Tis rarely neutral, is the thing.

Senor Weaselo

The good: OJ
The bad: OJ

WCS

Sweet mother of fuck, these Wheel of Fortune contestants are bad.

Senor Weaselo

I’d argue it’s better that way. Then we get to laugh at their incompetence.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

After starring at Vanna for so long, I can understand the mistake.

herodotus450
herodotus450

ballsofsteelandfury

WCS
JustStopDude
JustStopDude

On the carrier, I shit you not, we would get grade “D” meat. It was the meat that the Air Force purchased, but expired, and since the USN had lower standards, it could be sold again to us.

I shit you not, the outside of the boxes would say “FOR USN AND INSTITUTIONAL USE ONLY”.

Needless to say, I would go vegetarian every deployment. I’m not sure if they still do it, but this was the case in the early to mid 2000’s.

Senor Weaselo

So the Air Force gets Grade C meat?
/Something about an ejective diarrhea joke

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I honestly think it goes from A straight to D.

Carcass maturity
Approximate live age
A
9 – 30 mos.
B
30 – 42 mos.
C
42 – 72 mos.
D
72 – 96 mos.
E
> 96 mos.

I think somehow sitting on the shelf ages the meat age or something. Maybe? Hell if I know.