Current DFO Clubhouse before the Puerto Rican money rolls in.
The Commentists are all sitting around drinking their favoUrite libations and imbibing their narcotic of choice when suddenly there is a knock on the door. Through the marijuana haze MTWV peers through the window and falls back asleep.
LITRE COLA :I guess it isn’t for him.
WHY EAGLES WHY : You lazy fucks, I’ll get it.
UPS GUY (hesitantly)
Is there a Gratliff, or a Why Eagles Why, or a Litre Cola here? By the way, your names are fucked up and it smells like weed in here. No offence.
LCSS, LITRE COLA, YEAH RIGHT , TWBS: IT’S MEDICINAL!
Gratliff opens up the envelope and three D batteries fall out with 3 laminated cards on lanyards.
LITRE COLA : The fuck are those and why are our names all together on that package?
GRATLIFF : I have a surprise for you two. I managed to get us 3 press passes to the Iggles training camp.
WEW : Well shit, this ought to be fun, I’ll get the flasks ready.
LITRE COLA : But training camp starts at 9am.
WEW : Shit, that’s a long day. Better bring extra flasks.
Our intrepid DFOers arrive at their hotel.
LITRE COLA : This is great guys, hope we get to meet some legends and have access to the facility.
WEW : Are you going to be this polite and upbeat the whole goddamn time?
LITRE COLA : Sorry, I mean not sorry.
GRATLIFF :Are you two going to argue the whole time or can we get going? I forgot to mention we have a guide for this too.
HOTEL ROOM DOOR GETS DESTROYED and smoke clears. A figure is crawling into the room on all fours like a jacked spider.
BRIAN DAWKINS : ARE YOU READY FOR A TOUR????
WEW : I gotta admit, the way that door exploded, I kinda expected Andy Reid.
LITRE COLA : Me too, but then I realised barbecue sauce didn’t splatter all over the room.
WEW: You truly are an idiot.
DAWK : YOU TWO GOING TO GET ALONG OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO PUT YOU IN AN OKLAHOMA DRILL???? LETS GOOOOOOOO!
NovaCare Complex , PA. The guys arrive at camp as the car approaches the gate the excitement is palpable.
LITRE COLA : Is that who I think it is?
WEW : Holy shit.
GRATLIFF : I had no idea.
DAWK : YEAH, WE HAD TO DO SOMETHING WITH HIM AND WE COULDN’T RELEASE HIM INTO THE STREETS AS HE WOULD BE SHOT IMMEDIATELY.
RILEY COOPER : Hi, new friends and welcome to Philadelphia Eagles camp.
DAWK : SHUT UP, LONGHAIR AND OPEN THE DAMN GATE!
LITRE COLA : I hate his politics and his musical taste but Jesus, he would have been far better last year than Agholor and Green-Beckham, shit those guys couldn’t catch herpes in a Manila brothel.
GRATLIFF : Hey Canada boy, you know they cut DGB right?
WEW : Idiot. I don’t even know why you invited you here.
GRATLIFF TO WEW : It’s kinda like why the Eagles have Cooper at the gate.
DAWK : LET’S KEEP MOVING! WATCH THE BLASPHEMING TOO!
LITRE COLA : I couldn’t bring any weed with me over the border, do you guys know where I could get some?
Suddenly a large dreadlocked man appears out of the shadows.
LEGARRETTE BLOUNT : Yeah, boss I can hook you up, it’s out in my car. I don’t call it the Blountmobile for nothing.
LITRE COLA : Sweet, I’m glad they signed him. They mix it up with Tiny Darren, plus Blount will protect Nick Foles from all out blitzes that may get his ass killed. He is a large upgrade from Mathews who was always injured. Pumphrey and Smallwood are young but they could surprise if Tiny Darren happens to get broken.
WEW : That is the by far the smartest thing you have said all day.
BLOUNT :It’s the sativa, bruh.
The quartet approaches the front door of the facility and the doorman turns to let them in.
KEVIN KOLB : Welcome to Red Lobster, be sure to try the biscuits.
GRATLIFF : You god damned disappointment, we thought you might be good.
DAWK : Watch with the blasphemy, trust me.
WEW : He’s not even the best perpetually concussed QB. Colt McCoy is better. COLT MCCOY.
LITRE COLA : Really though it is a shame about the head trauma with this guy be he makes a damn good doorman in my opinion.
GRATLIFF : Do you ever dislike anything? I know, I know IPA’s are the devil.
KOLB : Welcome to Friday’s, home of the blueberry-jalapeno popper!
DAWK : LET’S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, AND QUIT BLASPHEMING.
They continue through the halls and there are two doors, one is like any door and the other has a mist surrounding it.
DAWK : YOU THREE CHUCKLEFUCKS HAVE THE BALLS TO GO THROUGH THAT DOOR?
LITRE COLA : Both doors look the same to me.
WEW : I thought that shit was supposed to help your eyesight! Let’s go.
They walk through the door and onto a practice field.
The group approaches what appears to be Todd Pinkston and Freddie Mitchell taking part in route running drills. Nnamdi Asomugha seems to be spectating despite being in full pads and backpedaling on every snap. As the group nears, Todd catches a line drive on a slant route in stride while running past an apparently immobile and confused Nnamdi.
DAWK : HEY TODD! BOO!
Todd immediately falls into a fetal position, his hands making an audible clapping sound as they smash into the sides of his legs at an almost impressive speed. Moments later, Nnamdi appears to be making an effort to break up the pass that was thrown minutes prior.
GRATLIFF : Nnamdi’s gotten better.
WEW : And quicker.
LITRE COLA : Todd hasn’t.
DAWK : THAT MAN WAS PART OF THE GREATEST ROSTER IN EAGLES HISTORY! DON’T FORGET IT!
WEW : I couldn’t forget that with a trunk full of Wild Turkey.
GRATLIFF : I told you should have rented a pickup.
TODD PINKSTON : Come on, man. I started in the Super Bowl!
FRED-EX : I watched! :
WEW : I wish I hadn’t.
GRATLIFF : Be nice. That man once caught a 28-yard pass.
FRED-EX : And other spectacular catches.
GRATLIFF, LITRE COLA, WEW : Really?
DAWK : HE WAS OUR BROTHER FOR 63 GAMES!
GRATLIFF, LITRE COLA, WEW, FRED-EX, ANDY REID, THE CITY OF PHILADELPHIA : REALLY!?
Nnamdi finally gets back up to the line of scrimmage for the next attempt.
FRED-EX : Alright! My turn!
NNAMDI : Haha, not this time!
[RECEIVER FLIES OPEN]
After making an uncontested catch 6 yards in, Fred-ex takes the ball out of bounds immediately. Several pelvic thrusts and a bad moonwalk later, Fred-ex awkwardly walks out of frame after realizing no one bothered to watch the catch, let alone the 4 minutes of post-catch celebration. Some say to this very day, you can still find Nnamdi waiting for the pass attempt.
LITRE COLA : Well this is just god damned great, we have zero to report back to the clubhouse.
WEW : Not true, now we know how much fuckin’ booze it takes to forget.
DAWK : I TOLD YOU NO BLASPHEMING OR…OH SHIT!
The sky opens up and floating above the field staring directly at the DFOers.
REV. REGGIE WHITE : Who dares to say the Lord’s name in vain on this field of glory??
WEW : Glory?
GRATLIFF : Jesus, I was going to say that.
LITRE COLA : Can we get the hell outta here? I think I’m having an acid flashback. Is there a floating homophobe in the sky or is LeGarrette’s gear really this good?
In the sky Jerome Brown appears and pushes the Rev outta of the way.
REGGIE : I will not be forsaaakeennn!
JEROME BROWN : I think the Iggles front 7 is quite good, and another year together could play out in the Iggles favoUr. However their DBs are unproven and the offence had better put a lot of points on the board as they will get burnt – wide and often. Jenkins and McLeod are serviceable but their weakness is definitely the secondary. Thank you boys for visiting and the exit is right behind you.
DAWK : SEE YOU LATER JEROME!
They return back to the present day training camp through the blurry door in the complex.
KOLB : Welcome to Olive Garden, don’t forget to have our salad and breadsticks.
DAWK : THAT’S THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE DINE THERE!
LITRE COLA : Pretty harsh, Dawk.
WEW : Yeah, chill out
GRATLIFF : Can we just please go see the offence get their reps?
As they walk on to the practice field, Nick Foles fires a ball that hits a receiver in the side of the head, who promptly falls over and stops moving.
WEW : Jesus what the hell was that?
GRATLIFF : Based on last year that would be Nelson Agholor at his finest.
LITRE COLA : Heh, good one. Seriously though, with Jeffery and Smith moving Matthews back to the slot position to where he belongs, and my new best friend LeGarrette in the backfield they should put up some points. It does however all come down to what Jerome Brown said.
WEW : I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree. This team will score. For instance, Torrey Smith struggled in San Francisco, but as shocking as it sounds, he’s probably the fifth option in the passing game here. Jeffery, Ertz, Matthews, and Sproles will all get more looks. That eases the pressure on all of them. On defense, the front seven need to get to the QB before he can burn the “cornerbacks”. If they do that, this team has a ceiling that includes the NFC East title. They could also eaisly end up in last place if Kirk Cousins is actually good. I’ll say no playoffs, but the offence blossoms and they finish 9-7.
GRATLIFF: Brent Celek will have a breakout season. Wait no. Zack Ertz now, right? Zack Ertz will have a breakout season. They Eagles will also have the most points scored by a team with a losing record.
LITRE COLA: As long as they beat the Cowboys I am fulfilled. I see the year finishing 8-8 and taking another step forward. Anyway I am going to head to the Blountmobile before we leave and maybe through that door again to see if I can find Randall Cunningham as he is still the best quarterback we have.
KEVIN KOLB : Welcome to Outback Steakhouse, home of the Awesome Blossom!
DAWK : IT”S THE BLOOMING ONION YOU IDIOT!