Scene begins with a view of worn down home in Vancouver. Is it a crack shack or a mansion? nobody knows. The door opens, to reveal Wakezilla wearing a white Cam Wake jersey and no pants. He waves to the camera and signals for the camera crew to come in through his backdoor. In his left hand, he’s holding a Red Racer IPA  

Wakezilla walks through his dilapidated house and heads to the back where the camera man and boom mic holder enter his mancave. Wakezilla sits on his cum toothpaste stained, blue matted recliner. He attaches a mic onto his jersey and begins to rock back and forth.

I was originally going to make this a clever and funny post that involved Catler, pegging and CTE, but then I realized that the post is better than anything the Miami Dolphins deserved. Instead, I’m treating this as my therapy session. It will be drab and depressing. In other words, the whole Miami Dolphins fandom experience.

Wakezilla takes a swig of his beer

Similar to China in the 1800s, NFL fandom in Canada is this crazy free-for-all. It’s not regionalized and it’s common for a family to have allegiances to different teams. For example, I like the Dolphins, my dad follows the Cowboys, my grandfather supported the Browns, my uncle likes the Vikings and I have cousins that like the Giants, Pats and Bills.

So you’re probably (not) asking yourself, “Wakezilla, how did you become a fan of the 3rd most popular NFL team in Florida?”

Well, when I was eight (this was in the early 90s), my dad sat me down and gave me the sports allegiance talk. After months of deliberation, it was down between the Dolphins, the Packers, the Cowboys, the Seahawks and the Raiders. I chose the Dolphins because of Marino and I liked their jersey and logo. I also continued to follow the Seahawks because they were the 1pm game and my dad allowed it because when the hell were the Hawks going to be relevant. Anyway. . .

It’s hard being a millenial Miami Dolphins fan. Since 1997, Miami was outscored a combined 221-37 in the games in which they were eliminated in the playoffs. The games were over before they even began.

There are lots of young, casual football fans that think Ray Finkle is real. Or should I say, casual football fans that even know the Dolphins still have a team? I don’t even blame them because until Thursday night “football” became a thing, the Dolphins averaged less than one game a year on prime time television (since the Marino years). The only other times people think of the Dolphins in terms of relevance is when a retired Dan Marino appeared in Bad Boys II and that one South Park episode. Fuck.

As a fan of the Canadian football league, I’ve kept somewhat interested by the fact that every few years they sign a player from the CFL. The most notable player is obviously Cam Wake. Did you know he still wears his BC Lions sandals in the shower as a reminder of how far he has come? That’s pretty cool. Miami also has signed ex-Ticats player, Marcus Thigpen and more recently, ex-Edmonton Eskimos player, Deon Lacey. With that said, outside of Cam, it would have been nice if the Dolphins signed the best CFL players, as opposed to the most NFL-like.  But I digress.

Since Marino retired, there has been no hope and the Dolphins have been bad-to-atrocious in all areas. Say what you want about the Browns and Lions, but not only are they loveable losers, they at least have given their fanbase hope at some point over the past 17 years with draft picks that seemed invigorating at the time. The Dolphins are just unlikeable losers who seem to go out of their way to not pick players the dwindling fan base was clamoring for.

They’re usually not quite bad enough to get the first three picks, which could result in drafting a high end franchise player. When they did have that first overall pick, they drafted Jake Long who wasn’t good after his 4th year and not on the team in his 6th. Of course, the Phins are never good enough to make the playoffs, unless the planets align and they happen to be somewhat cromulent in a year when they have a really weak schedule.

This team is such a shit show, Dolphins fans expect their season to be over by December. Want to know something messed up? I actually got mad at people congratulating me for the Dolphins making the playoffs. Why? Because I knew they weren’t that good of a team and what’s the point of watching them get their shit pushed in, which is exactly what happened. Now, as is Dolphins tradition, I’ll have to wait another eight years before this happens again.

Here’s a quick analysis of the team that many of you forgot exists:

Coach: Adam Gase. He has the reputation of being an advanced football analytics guy. That just means he’s ranked in the top 100 in Madden. He’ll be whispering sweet nothings into Jay Cutler’s ear like, “I’m going to take your cat nip away if you throw another interception, you fat fuck.”

Quarterback: It’s been 16 wonderful years since the Dolphins selected Drew Brees in the second round to be Dan Marino’s heir.

/Wakezilla burps

Sorry, my alcoholism takes me to places where my team isn’t a complete fuck up and drafts the players that makes sense based on their needs at the time.

Miami’s most dangerous quarterback since Marino has retired was their running back, Ronnie Brown. Miami was so inspired by this, they decided to draft a tight end out of Texas Tech and make him their franchise quarterback.

It isn’t going well.

The worst thing about Tannehill being out for the year is that the Dolphins are going to talk themselves into giving this dumb fuck another year to prove himself and have a breakout year that will never happen.

As some of you have heard, the poor man’s Jay Cutler hurt his knee and is out for awhile. Now, Old Man Jay Cutler has to hide his CTE to collect a paycheck while Colin Kaepernick remains unemployed.

Aside from being better than Catler, I’m really disappointed–though not surprised– that Miami didn’t sign Kaep. People would have actually bought a Dolphins jersey. Neo-Nazis would have bought Kaep’s jersey and burned it and proceed to buy another $150 jersey to burn. Fans of the Dolphins would buy his jersey, and the non-football fans of the Black Lives Matter movement would have bought a Kaepernick jersey. This is my long winded way of saying that people would actually get caught in public wearing a Miami Dolphins jersey. Imagine that! And for the Dolphins, they get money in jersey sales. It’s a win-win-win situation. But I digress.

Catler is so fucked. He is so, so fucked. As a result of having a shitty offensive line, he’s going to be throwing lots of pics and just throwing the ball away so he doesn’t die. I don’t blame him. Remember when he subtly took a jab at his offensive line after he retired? Miami has two former offensive linemen from the Bears starting and that’s considered an upgrade.

TL/DR: Catler is going to get skinned alive and Fuck Ryan Tannehill.

Offensive line:

According to profootball focus, last season, the Dolphins ranked 32nd 30th in the offensive line department. Only the C-Hox and the LA Clippers had more oil in their tire fire. This offensive line is such a dumpster fire, Ryan Tannehill got badly injured getting sacked in practice and Matt Moore damn near died in the playoffs because the o-line gets penetrated more often than Jenna Jameson.

What’s new?

Laremy Tunsil finally proved that he can block his quarterback better than protecting his email passwords, so he has been upgraded to tackle. With that said, can you really trust someone who gets hurt exiting the shower?

The six other Dolphins fans that are deluding themselves into thinking the Dolphins have a shot at making the playoffs, are placing their hopes on whether Mike Pouncey can stay healthy. Putting your hopes on a 300 pound man with an awful and re-occurring hip injury that seemingly gets worse with age is absolutely ridiculous. He hasn’t played 16 games in one season in 5 years and will miss at least the first game of the regular season.

Ja’Wuan James has been on a limited snap count because of a nagging shoulder injury throughout the entire training camp. The limited action hasn’t helped as he has been responsible for sacks given up in the preseason.

The guards are there and are awful. The hope is that fifth round draft pick, Isaac Asiata, will beat out one of the guards. He hasn’t and will likely not replace one of them on merit.

TL/DR: Expect a lot of this

Running Backs:

Considered yourself fucked if you have Jay Ajayi on your fantasy football team. More than half of his rushing yards were attained in three games. He did not gain more than 79 yards the other thirteen. He’s not rushing for over a 1000 yards with this garbage o-line.

/Wakezilla finishes off his beer

Wideouts:

Isn’t it amazing that former first round pick Randy Moss is likely going into the hall of fame the same year Jarvis Landry is going to have his superstar level breakout season? Oh wait, they decided he wasn’t worth the risk and traded down for John Avery. . . This fucking franchise.

Miami’s wideouts are actually pretty good. It’s a shame Gase is wanting to run the ball a lot more. Landry is pretty much out the door as the contract they gave Kenny Stills in the offseason pretty much sealed that deal, because god forbid they have someone exciting on this shit team. Landry is in a contract year, so he should put up big numbers if he sees the ball. Either way, he’s likely a Patriot next year and Odell Beckham Jr will join him the following year and the apocalypse will be among us.

Oh yeah, Jarvis Landry is under investigation for battery. Apparently his girlfriend, Estrella Cerqueira, isn’t talking, so it shouldn’t cause any more problems. With that said, Führer Ging may suspend Landry at some point.

DeVante Parker is expected to be the X receiver, which traditionally sees a lot of balls coming their way under Gase. So, if Catler or Tannenhill have time to throw the ball, Parker should have a decent year. . . if he can keep his head on straight. Parker has a rep of being a bit flakey.

Kenny Stills got paid, so, he might be a good waiver wire pick up. With that said, he’s like Mike Wallace 2.0, so, don’t hold your breath on that one.

Tight Ends:

Julius Thomas was added to give Miami an ‘extra weapon’ on offense. The thing is, he’s a shittier version of Charles Clay and the Dolphins thought Clay wasn’t good enough to keep around. Even with Gase’s Madden playing skills, Thomas can’t stay healthy long enough to be productive. This has free agency bust written all over it.

Defense:

Up until around the halfway mark of last year, Miami did something that NFL o-lines couldn’t do: Make Suh invisible. The wide nine has worked wonders for Wake and Suh. The problem is, their linebackers can’t tackle for shit and they’re already banged up. Raekwon McMillan is already on the IR and Koa Misi is on the IR/may have retired. But at least they signed Rey Maualuga to miss some tackles!

The safeties aren’t any better and they’ll be without TJ Mcdonald for the first half of the season, due to suspension. This defense is better than their stats will show, but, with an impotent offense, they’ll wear down and give up points.

Schedule (Apparently the 6th Hardest in the league):

This is a significantly harder schedule than last year. This team, which needed overtime to beat the Browns last year, are not going to be up for the challenge. Outside of playing the LA Clippers and splitting against the Jests and Bills, I don’t see any other games that they win. Maybe they take down New Orleans, Carolina and/or Baltimore? That gives them, at best, a 6-10 record. And thus, the cycle of mediocrity continues.