Better safe than sorry – may have used this title before, and the old brain ain’t what it used to be in terms of creativity (and in all candor, never was very much to begin with). So many questions to be answered on this new, unfolding season, but as usual…all roads run through ROLL DAMN TIDE.
Maryland at Texas (Noon, FS1)
Please, dear Jeebus, don’t let this one get cancelled. Tis a lean fookin’ window. Fear teh Turtle is usually pretty awful, but no team lives to be all disappoint like Hook ’em. My cold, black heart would delight in a “healing” story well and truly shat upon.
Wyoming at Iowa (Noon, BTN)
Boy howdy, did I struggle to find a secondary option, and I am going with this over Snowflake Bowl in Chapel Hole. FUN FACT! Thanks to the US Air Force, I was born in Wyoming, the barren hellscape part, not the beautiful, playground of the rich and famous part.
South Cakalaky v. NC State @ Richardson Family Plantation (3:00, ESPN)
This is actually a passionate, excellent historical rivalry that has sadly fallen by the wayside. Hopefully, this will be a thrilling contest that results in the fanbases of the two schools demanding that the series resume with reasonable regularity, as opposed to the more predictable wolven shitting upon its collective dick when anything is expected of them. Hope in one hand, shit in the other, see which gets full first. Be glad you can flip to…
Michigan v. Florida @ JerralWorld Aquarium (3:30, ABC)
I have no fucking clue what to expect from either side, but they are both in the top 20 by default, and they always recruit well. The laws of JV NFL gravity and/or inertia suggest that at least one will end up being prettay…prettay…good.
Temple at Notre Dome (3:30, NBC)
Fuck Brian Kelly. With Robert E. Lee’s dick. Original and statuary, he can choose which goes in which hole (I’m not some kind of monster, FFS).
Louisville at Purdue (7:30, Fox)
I mean, I’ll watch FOAR half an hour just in case Gus Johnson is announcing. I’m assuming the ‘Ville administration scheduled this road trip because the coeds are too ugly for Petrino to get into any MOAR trouble?
Florida State v. Alabama @ Jesus Chicken Dome (8:00, ABC)
Holy Christ, this is why you buy extra beer for this Saturday night, and refuse all other plans. #1 v. #3 is some hot shit, even if it’s despicable assdicks like Jimbo and Saban. Once again, I shall be rooting for the “at least he’s up front about his puppy blood drinking” evil guy. Jimbo can die in a fucking fire, for all I care. ROLL DAMN TIDE!!
QB (and OC’s playcalling/system) looks good, but the speed deficit even v. a middling SEC PAAAWWWWLLLLL side is galling.
Agreed across the board.
Talking to extended family last weekend, I was reminded of ppl who don’t really believe in Finley and/or Drinkwitz. Those ppl are nuttier than a shithouse rat.
Great playcall. Drinkwitz might not be an idiot afterall.
Goddammit Clemson, just kill the fucking clock already.
FFS.
Well fuck…that was great fucking timing.
Remember last season when Clemson ended a game early (or was it they switched to 12 minute quarters in the second half?) against an overmatched opponent? And then they ended up winning the national championship? All that extra rest was clearly an UNFAIR advantage.
Well, that’s one way to lose a game. Holy shit. Everyone on Maryland going down
I’m not even gonna touch that one. Giggity.
I feel like shit, but my brother went to the gym yesterday after feeling a hundred times worse and so I have no excuse, especially after not doing shit yesterday, not to go out and walk around. So I guess I’ll do that.
But first, how the fuck y’all doin’?
The hate is flowing. So you know, status quo, it’s all good.
😉
Hold everything! The Best Sprots Name game is over! Done! Concluded! The winner is here:
https://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/players/266441/
That’s definitely better than “Trey”
Shitheels are done filling their pants, moving on to their beds now.
/whoops, may have spoke too soon
//maybe not
Just checked tWWL – Pedophile St having their way with the LeBrons right now.
Couldn’t happen to better bunch of assdicks. Other than UMd.
Goddammit and they score while I’m typing. Cheating fuckers.
That Turtle got trucked
I don’t think Texas wants to win
Nope, but MD is the last group of fuckers dumb enough to still be fooled by teh Wildcat, so…
Maryland’s Pigrome against Texas should earn them a trip to The Hague
Wow Maryland you fucking suck
/has never said those words
//lying, has said those words literally thousands of times
///fuck you UMd
Just when I think I’m out, FEAR THE TURTLE pulls me back in!
Hehehe
Who’s going to be the 1st NFL QB benched? I’m going with Alex Smith.
I would have said THE PAULS, but their QB is kosher now.
The Giraffe?
Not a bad bet, probably.
I feel confident saying the Jets even though I have no idea who they are starting.
Oohhh, that’s a good one.
Wow, Senor is going all out this year.
Fun fact: The only Jets shirt I have ever owned is a Chad Pennington one. In fairness, I was like 9.
Does a gurney count as a bench? If so, Red Rifle. Bengals’ OL is giving me flashbacks to the ’90s.
YAYYYYYYY!
Jacoby Brissett isn’t on the P*ts anymore!!
/now gets to be Black HODOR!!
Better get his beard game straight.
Here he is at peak Black HODOR!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jlQ4-eIQqI
Poor Jacoby. From the Pats to the Colts. Next he’ll end up a Redacted and I can really lament him playing for my three most hated teams.
SMGDH.
I like that Jared Goff could win his next six games in a row and he’d still have a worse winning percentage than Jacoby Brissett.
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Not sure MD and TX will win 5 games combined (after this week’s little shitshow).
I can live with that. Especially if Texas goes 5-7.
If cheerleaders should teach women anything, it’s that just doing up your hair a little goes a long way.
Two Terps players got…shellshocked.
Is there like a popular Denver area television interviewer? Like Purd Happly on Parks and Rex? Preferably a token individual who covers the Broncos?
Looking at those Terrapin helmets hurts my eyes.
Whoever designed Wyoming’s uniforms put in the least amount of effort possible.
Catler makes uniforms? I’d bet they smell like cigarette smoke, too.
The Jets released their long snapper. You know, the guy who would see the most time on the field for the offense this year.
think of the comedic potential!
They probably needed to make room to add another special needs kid to go get the kickoff tee after the other team scores.
“Why punt when you can turn the ball over?”
– Jets management
Submitted for your approval, a new contestant in the Best Sprots Name ever: Tupac Isme, RB, Bethune-Cookman. Moar like Tupac Wasalive amirite?
Shitheel may get a targeting penalty. Pretty blatant, too.
And Cal goes deep for 6 on the next play.
According to Deadspin, Brock Lobster wasn’t even good enough for the Browns.
Somewhere in Dove Valley, a large, wealthy horse laughs heartily.
Over/under on when he starts for the Jets? I say Week 12.
THE PAULS!
Come on Wyoming . You can do this.
What are words that are never uttered by a Democrat on Election Day?
A minute left in the Mizzou-MO State game and it’s now 48-35 Mizzou. They finally stopped trading scores.
I don’t think Mizzou will make it 100, but here’s to hoping.
884 yards of offense!
I WANT 2000 YARDS
I haven’t seen this little defense since the NBA All-Star Game!
Lots and lots of huge plays. Mizzou’s QB has thrown for 400 yards already.
I haven’t seen this little defense since Texas Tech and Arizona played.
/that hurts to say.
There was a Baylor-WVU game a year or two ago like this–just trading touchdowns until time expired.
the Big 12-ish can be glorious that way
I haven’t seen this little defense since Germany v Poland in 1939.
I haven’t seen this little defense since Belichick let Danny Woodhead play a few downs as a defensive back.
This should go up on the banner. Just saying.
Frank Beamer would never let this happen.
/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/7657869/beamer.0.jpeg)
after the Rapey Jameis Oregon fumbre, this is my favourite recurring JV NFL meme
God, don’t ask Mark Helfrich what to do.
Maryland’s last win against a ranked foe was v. Tom O’Brien’s NC State side, circa Nov. 2010. A win would have put NC State in the ACC title game, and Maryland was absolute fucking garbage.
Thanks FOAR the memory, FS1 ticker!
So, watching U*NC v CAL…because someone has to (?)
The shitheels get an INT AAAAANNNDDDD we lose the feed. I asked OrangeJello to text her friends at the game and ask if it went out for them too.
Donate to JJ Watt not Red Cross. Red Cross will pocket that cash.
Fuck you, Berkley, you had ONE JOB. No, not chaining yourselves to a bunch of goddamned trees. OK, two jobs then.
30 points from Maryland? What is this, the view from Fort McHenry in 1812?
/In this joke, the reader should assume that stars on a flag can be considered “points”
This. This is a good joke.
Unfortunetley there were maybe 26 “states” at the time, even if including territories, and only 15 stars on the flag. Which… if counted from both sides makes 30! Huzzah!
35-34 with five and a half minutes left in the first half.
God, I want someone to score 100 in this game.
They need to hire Michael Sam as head coach.
A man’s man ,, no ofence
I guess you do have to be an FCS team to beat Iowa early in the season. FU Wyoming
Longhorn’s defense and special teams have a touchdown, but not their offense. Wasn’t Herman going to fix that?
With what, his secret Big Shoe Dance strategy?
I don’t see how Josh Allen is a first round QB
yeah, he’s a pile of Cowboy shite
Kick Six 2: The Revenge
BOO!!!!!!!
If any of you like games of testing your will, turn on the SEC Network and see how long you last seeing Tebow doing commentary, Tebow doing commercials, Tebow being referenced during games, etc.
I’m currently sweating intensely trying to not to Google Tebow’s personal workout routine as sponsored by some goddamned bank.
Trying to max out the Evangelical and homosexual demographics!
Just imagine how avidly that Ted whatsisname is watching! You know the megachurch guy who likes meth and rentboys.
Haggard. But really that applies to all of them, except Osteen. He’s too busy fucking his piles of cash to bother with boys and drugs.
When you sign that megabucks contract at Texas, you better invest at least half. Conservatively.
SUCK IT, Longhorns!!
/this is what happens when you deport all those good Dreamer placekickers ,, smh
And don’t get me started on having to root for Cal today.
God thinks he’s a funny sumbitch. He’s not.
Fun to see Mizzou struggling to stop an FCS team on defense.
This is still very fun. Super fun.
I’m assuming you flipped over to masturbate to the TX bedshitting, too?
Not yet. The Mizzou vs. MO State track meet is now 34-28 with seven minutes left in the first half.
after fumbling the kickoff at 7-27, fuckers blocked a FG for a TD. So….nvm
Sure are a lot of white ppl in IA/WY, for a 21st century D-1 fixture.
Not on the field though, right?
no, even on the field. It creepy.
Hook ’em, Turtles!!
“DeShaun Watson was the best player in Clemson’s history”
– William Perry
JV IS BACK!
“Bear Down”? NOT cool.
TOO SOON, Abed!!
I mean, it’s clever and humiliating, but not sure I’d go about broadcasting “same 3 running plays” to recruits like that…
Do you think I care? I really don’t. Roll damn Tide.
Hey man, if I had a cousin who looked like that….
I’ve said too much.
Quit swinging on your Family Tree’s branches.
Is there a coach in college football today that isn’t a complete asshat?
Charlie Weiss? Since he’s more like a 10-ass hat.
Rich Rodriguez seems like a decent guy. He is also destined to finish last, as decent guys in football do.
Jim Harbaugh is 110% asshat, does that make him exempt?
Harbaugh is if someone took Michael Douglas’s character in Falling Down, cloned him five times, and melted those clones into a single super-concentrated but surprisingly stable human form.
/still wishes the Bears had hired him
I’m biased. San Diego State’s Rocky Long… but no one cares about non power 5 football coaches.
Rocky’s still coaching? 😐
UCONN’s coach is Randy Edsall, who left basically quit on them for the Maryland job during the Fiesta Bowl, then tanked his career when the ACC/Big 10 exposed him as not-a-very-good-coach. Mean time UCONN took the precaution of hiring a couple of sentient tomato plants to replace him and found their way to the bottom of the D-I barrel so when they finally got tired of watching Bob Diaco (who, I shit you not, insisted on wearing red pants on the sideline, when UCONN’s colors are blue and white, because it made him stand out), fight to get to the middle of D-II, they decided to go back to the glory days and rehired the coach who had pissed on the carpet on his way out the door.
This week they barely squeaked by Holy Cross and had to come from behind to do that.
UCONN football is the funniest goddamn thing in the world.
But they beat WVU that one year
Red. Pants. Tis a shame one never had call to watch yinz on teh teevee box.
I’m just relishing the thought of having to downgrade from coaching football at Maryland.
yeah, some fucking penthouse!
/also you made me spit coffee on mahself. ASSHOLE
I imagine this is what the Under Armour guy did after realizing he can’t prop up that program with all of his sweat shop cash.
Joe Paterno isn’t a complete asshat TODAY.
Yes he is. His rotting corpse is poisoning the soil of a state that already has too much toxic waste leeching into the soil and water from centuries of corruption and violence.
Gary Pinkel at Mizzou was probably one of the better guys. The big mark against him was getting popped for a DUI, but he immediately copped to it and took his punishment.
But when you consider that the big money D-I sports are all a cancer on our higher education system, they’re all terrible in one way or another.
No comment on Rooney getting arrested while driving a volkswagon beetle?
BUUUUUUURRRRRRP
Twas certainly not a banner Deadline Day/night after for Everton. Fucker wanted to go incognito I guess, but was too stupid to go minivan.
I just left out Lesser Footy altogether, but Costa Rica making Los Estados el Stinkos they bitch last night was pretty awesome, too.
I really hope the USMNT doesn’t qualify. I want nothing to do with the Russian World Cup O’ Corruption N’ Bribery.
Especially given all the state-sponsored makeout time that would mean for Vlad and Donnie.
As opposed to the other World Cups O’ Corruption N’ Bribery. Also known as the rest of them!
oh, and it turns out Wayne was driving some skank home. Not just trying to be incognito.
Whilst his pregnant wife is out of town with their other three children. JEEBUS.
No West Coast Pac -12 After Dark action? Well that’s just…
They seem to be scheduling weaker than even the B1G this time out. I cringe at the thought of what this must say re PAC quality. Hope there is a tweaker option next week…
SDSU-ASU might fit the bill next week.
You will not find better crowd shots in any football game this year than in this game.
If you’re into bleached blonds, fake tits, and shitty tans.
…
Proceed.