For those of you that are rednecks, Mexicans, or fellow racing aficionados, this will be old news. However, for those of you that look down on us NASCAR fans, I’ll be recapping this year’s Monster Energy Cup season’s top drivers/moments whilst at the same time giving you the definitive top ten list of Monster Energy beverages.

Is everyone getting it that’s gonna get it? Okay, let’s begin!

Honorable Mention

This year marked the last year of racing at the Cup level for Danica Patrick and Matt Kenseth. Both got replaced by other drivers and neither has a ride for next season.  If this is indeed their last go-around, both will have left marks on the sport.

Danica was a trailblazer in proving that women could compete with men in motorsports.  She won one Indy Car race and, while remaining winless in NASCAR, did earn many top ten finishes, won poles for races, and inspired millions of women.

Matt, for better or worse and rightly or wrongly,  is the man that was credited with bringing about the Chase format everyone loves to hate. His Winston Cup championship in 2003 came under the old points system where consistency throughout the year was rewarded. He, however, only won one race.

NASCAR had been studying the points system since at least 2000 in an effort to reward victories more and introduced the Chase system in 2004. Happy coincidence or were they triggered to roll out a new points system in response to Kenseth’s championship? It doesn’t matter as the change became known as the “Matt Kenseth Rule”.

Both drivers may return for one-offs (Danica is confirmed to have a ride for the Daytona 500 next year), but it’s too early to tell if they can return to racing full-time. For their contributions to the sport,  however,  they should be recognized.

Similarly,  I feel the Monster Coffee drinks should be recognized.  They are truly addicting and delicious. I got my lady friend hooked on Mean Bean while I greatly enjoy a Salted Caramel every once in a while.

They’re not everyday drinks for me though. There is such a thing as too much good stuff.   I’d probably OD on the caffeine as I’d want to drink three a day…

Number Ten

To borrow a Dave Attell joke,  you know how you go with your friends to an adult store and laugh at all the crazy stuff and then you leave and then you rush back by yourself to buy it?

That’s how I discovered I liked the Gronk flavor. I laughed and then bought it out of curiosity.  It’s not too sweet and it doesn’t have the metallic taste of Red Bull.  It really tastes great and is even better ice cold.

Leave it to the smartest goofball in the league to come up with a great product that feeds off his reputation and actually enhances it.

In a similar vein, the Talladega fall race has developed the reputation of being the Wild Card of the Chase races.  This year was no exception. A grand total of 14 cars out of 40 FINISHED the race. Ten of the 12 playoff drivers sustained significant damage and 8 ended up in the garage.

The race being the second of three in that elimination round set up a tense and pressure-filled race in Kansas.  It made for a great spectacle and brought out some great performances. Just like Gronk.

Number Nine

First off, let me say that I absolutely LOVE the Rehab drinks!  They have no carbonation which makes for easy drinking.  On top of that, the flavors are delicious! Now, many of you may not know how the Rehab drinks came to be.

Let me take you back, kids, to the heady days of Vegas in the 90s.  Younger Balls was a regular in Vegas making that drive multiple times a year to party on the weekends. Someone at the Hard Rock Casino had the bright idea to create a nightclub atmosphere during the day at the awesome Hard Rock pool on Sunday mornings as a way to kind of keep the party going and to give people something to do before they got on their planes back home. This was the very first “dayclub” at a swimming pool. They called it Rehab.

The good people at Monster collaborated with the folks in charge of that long-running club to come up with a drink that would match the concept.  The drink proved to be as popular as the club and a legend was born. Raspberry is one of the newest flavors and actually replaced one of the all-time best (see Number 8 below).  It’s not too sweet and goes down easier than Kendra Lust.

Chase Elliot replaced one of the all-time best when he took over for Jeff Gordon in the 24 car.  He has since earned everyone’s respect on the racetrack with most media members and fans eagerly awaiting his first win after 5 second place finishes and 3 third place finishes in 2017. It was a good year for Chase as he made the playoffs and went deep into them until he got to Martinsville and Denny Hamlin wrecked him late in the race allowing Kyle Busch to win and earn a spot in the Final Four at Homestead.  Chase earned himself a lot more fans with the way he handled the altercation and is looking at next year as the year he finally gets his first win.

Number Echt

Rojo was a magical flavor that was too good to last long.  To this day,  I have no idea why this flavor was discontinued. They say that on dark stormy nights,  if you get off the interstate at just the right exit,  you can still find some in a gas station cooler.

I believe it contained a special blend of tea with some cranberry mixed in.  It might as well had been Jennifer Connelly vagina juice because it tasted that good. The only reason it’s not higher on the list is because it’s not around anymore.

2017 was also the last year of full-time racing for the sport’s most popular driver,  Dale Earnhardt Jr. Each of the races from the summer on was billed as “Junior’s last race at…” in order to drum up ticket sales.

And drum up they did. Fans turned out in droves to pay their respects to the man that managed to build on his father’s popularity and legacy to carve his own spot in the sport.  Junior’s way of interacting with his fans and the humility and appreciation he showed in his career will ensure he is forever remembered as one of the greats.

We should celebrate the fact that he was able to retire on his terms as opposed to getting retired like Patrick and Kenseth or dying on the track like his father. The other good news is that he will continue to work in NASCAR as an announcer and as a team owner in the Xfinity series.  He will still be involved, just in a different way.

While the sport is in good hands with a lot of young talented drivers, there will never be another Junior.  Just like there will never be another Rojo.

Number Seeven

Here we get into another category of drinks that a true genius came up with:  The Ultras.  The concept of the Ultras is simple though the execution is difficult.  Many of the complaints about energy drinks is that they are secretly sugar bombs and bad for your health.  Monster thought, “Ok, let’s get rid of the sugar”.   Another complaint is that energy drinks have too many calories.  Monster thought, “Ok, let’s get rid of the calories.”

You would think the resulting drink would be tasteless and horrible.  Not so fast, my friend!  There are at least seven flavors that I know of and I like all of them.  I do have preferences, though, and that’s how the White flavor lands on this list.  The best thing about the white flavor is that it tastes just as good at room temperature as it does ice cold.  Not many energy drinks can do that.  It’s also relatively neutral in that it doesn’t overwhelm whatever you pair with it. It is also lighter so it doesn’t fill you up.  It’s a perfect combination that can be enjoyed in almost any circumstance.

Ryan Blaney had spent most of his career in the background, quietly building up experience and getting increasingly better results for the small Wood Brothers racing team.  Finally, in July, the hard effort paid off in his first NASCAR victory at Pocono. This was huge not only because it was his first win, but it was the Wood Brothers’ first win since 2011.

The Wood Brothers hold many records and historic achievements. Among these are the fact that they have fielded only Ford Motor Company products since 1950, which makes the longest association of any motorsports team with a single manufacturer, ever. The Wood Brothers also have won at least one race in every decade for the last six decades, an unmatched feat. They have 99 total victories (including the Winston Select All-Star race); and have won 117 pole positions in 1,186 starts. They have earned over $30 million in career winnings, and remain among the winningest racing teams in the history of NASCAR racing for 60 years. Also, after Petty Enterprises merged with Gillett Evernham Motorsports to form Richard Petty Motorsports, the Wood Brothers became the oldest team in NASCAR.

Ryan will move from the Wood Brothers to Penske next year and Paul Menard will take over the historic 21 car. His future is bright and, having achieved his first career victory, is surely headed for more success, no matter which team he drives for.

Number Sax

By far the coolest can in the Monster arsenal is the new Mango Loco Juice flavor.  The cool thing is that the flavor is just as good as the packaging.  It’s a mixture of orange, pineapple, and, of course, mango that’s very lightly carbonated and is, surprisingly, not super sweet.  It has a little tartness too, at the end to balance things out. Plus, it’s Dia De Los Muertos!  How can you go wrong with that?!?

In my opinion, the coolest driver in NASCAR right now has to be Kyle Larson.  He took over the 42 after Juan Pablo Montoya was shown the door by Chip Ganassi.  Since then, Kyle has amassed 5 wins (4 in 2017) and Rookie of the Year honors in 2014.  Beyond the statistics, though, is the respect he has earned on the track and in the garage.  He races everyone clean and has a deep understanding of the unwritten rules of the sport.

Case in point:  This last weekend, he was in third place as the laps wound down in the championship race and he was coming up fast on Kyle Busch in second who was trying desperately to catch Martin Truex in first.  Both of those drivers were contending for the championship.  In my opinion, he had a better car than both of them and could have pushed the issue to try to get a win.  However, he stayed out of their way and allowed them to settle the championship without any interference from him.  That shows a maturity beyond his years.  His time will come and he didn’t need to cause a problem where none existed.  That’s a cool ass dude.  He’s a hell of a driver, too.

Number Five

Shogun Marcus has said this tastes exactly like Pixy Stix.  I do not disagree.  The thing is, though, as an Ultra, it has Zero Sugar!  This flavor tastes delicious ice cold and still holds up at room temperature.  Plus, purple is my favorite color, so sue me.

Seriously, though, this is one of the newest flavors in the Ultra line and it has maintained the level of excellence pioneered by the White, Red, and Blue.  I’m sure that is not a coincidence those were the first three colors/flavors in the Ultra line.

Erik Jones and Daniel Suarez are two of the “Young Guns” that NASCAR is banking on to carry on the excitement after the retirement of major stars in recent years.  Daniel debuted in Cup this year while Erik enjoyed his first year on a full-time ride.  Both are graduates of the Kyle Busch school of racing as they both drove for Kyle Busch Motorsports in the lower level competitions (cars and trucks).

It seems they both learned great lessons from their mentor as they have challenged for wins and had 6 combined Top 5 finishes in 2017.  Plus, Daniel was born in Monterrey, Mexico so I like him.  So sue me.

Number Fower

Let me say right off the bat that Orangeade is always better than Lemonade.  Lemonade stands are a dime a dozen.  You ever see an Orangeade stand?  You best believe I’m giving those kids my business if I ever see one!  There is nothing like combination of tart and sweet that a good orangeade can provide.  It’s not easy to get the mix right, though, which is probably why you don’t see many orangeade stands.

Monster got it perfectly right with this drink.  It’s the perfect balance that you need plus it’s non-carbonated so that makes it the perfect summer refresher.  Hell, you can drink it in the winter too.  It’s that good.  The only problem is that it is hard to find.  If I ever find it at the store, though, you know I’m stocking up.  It’s that fucking good…

Austin Dillon won the Coca Cola 600 in May in Dale Earnhardt Sr.’s old #3.  It was the first time since his death that the car had won a NASCAR race. That victory, on Memorial Day weekend, no less, was a perfect ending to the Best Day in Motorsports, which signals the beginning of summer.

Dillon did not win again in 2017 and did not really contend.  For that fleeting moment in time, though, he was there and he took full advantage.

Number Three

I’m drinking one right now.  It’s been sitting, opened, for two hours and it still tastes amazing.  This is the perfect breakfast drink.  Do you know how many calories and how many grams of sugar are in orange juice?  Fuck that, drink this instead.  It’ll wake you up too.  I cannot say enough things about how good this is.  You should have it every day and twice on Sundays.

Jimmie Johnson has been so good for so long that it’s considered an aberration when he’s not in contention for the championship in Miami each November.  This was not a completely horrible year for him as he did win 3 races and made the final 8 in the playoffs.  An early accident in the second to last race eliminated him from fighting for the championship in the final race.

He is one of the all-time greats and he’s still a force to be reckoned with. His consistency and his excellence is admirable.

Number Twa

Oh kids, this is the absolute best of the Rehab flavors.  It’s actually right up there with my number 1 choice, but there is one tiny thing that pushes the other above this one.  But more on that later.

Peach is pretty much perfection in a can.  The flavor is perfect, the peach is noticeable but not overwhelming, and it’s the most drinkable energy drink on the market.  By that I mean that you could go on a run and drink five of these in a row.   It’s that dangerous and that good.

Kyle Busch is my favorite driver.  A lot of people don’t like him, but I don’t care.  In truth, he was a bit of a dickhead early in his career but marrying and having a baby boy have matured him and have turned him into more than just the most talented driver in NASCAR.

This year was the third year in a row in which he made it to Homestead with a shot at the championship.  He won the championship on his first try.  This year, he came within .68 of a second of getting his second title.  The year started off with good performances but not wins.  Instead of lashing out as he might have earlier in his career, he stayed the course and was rewarded with 6 wins including a 3 out of 6 streak in the late summer.

In the final race, his team’s strategy was nullified by a late caution yet he managed to make his way back to the front and in 2nd place as the race was winding down.  Alas, a bit of traffic from the 22 held Kyle up just enough where he couldn’t catch Martin Truex Jr.  In any case, it was a good season for the only driver that had anything all year to challenge Truex.

Number Wan

If there is any flavor that I like just as much as the Peach Rehab, it’s this one.  It’s way better than the Orange because it’s  a bit more lemony and therefore a bit more refreshing.  The only problem is finding it in stores.  If you can find it, I suggest stocking up.

If there is any driver I like just as much as Kyle Busch, it’s Martin Truex Jr.  He drives for the small Furniture Row racing team.  His girlfriend is fighting cancer.  His crew experienced the sudden death of one of their leaders this year.  Despite everything, he managed to dominate the season like no one has in a very long time and capped it off with the championship.

As the closing laps were being run in Homestead and Kyle Busch was chasing Martin Truex, I realized that I was going to be happy either way it finished.  When it ended, though, and Martin was being interviewed and showed the raw emotion of what this victory meant, well, I’ll tell you, it got a little dusty at Casa Balls.

Seriously, if you didn’t feel good after watching that, you are dead inside.  Martin has always been a good dude but had been stuck on bad teams or teams without resources.  Furniture Row’s alliance with Joe Gibbs Racing and Toyota has paid off.  With good equipment, Martin was finally able to show what he has been capable of.  Hopefully, this year is not a one-off and he and the team are able to contend for years to come.

***

So, there you have it.  Probably more than you wanted to read about Monster.  Definitely more than you wanted to read about NASCAR.  Yet, the last moments of the season are what made it, to me, a worthwhile pursuit and something worth sharing with you.  I encourage you to seek a race near you next year.  As I wrote earlier this year, it’s a unique experience and a hell of a good time.

Daytona 500 2018 returns to its traditional President’s Weekend date this year:  February 18, 2018.   See you then. In the meantime, feel free to discuss the validity of my Monster rankings in the comments.

Oh, and the reason why the Citron is #1 and Peach Rehab is #2?  Citron has 0 calories while Peach Rehab has 20.  Yes, it’s that close.  Just like the .68 of a second that separated Martin from Kyle.