Your “Holy Crap! It’s Week Twelve Already?” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Where did the time go? [looks inside the folds of the sofa] Nope, it’s not there. [eats week-old Cheeto] The Wild Card spots are sorta, kinda, maybe taking a bit of shape. But maybe that dead-in-the-water 4-6 team will win out and sneak in with the help of three different statistically improbable improbabilities! The Raiders could very well beat Real Madrid in week 17 during a midnight game under a full moon in Wichita! I’ve seen it happen before. TO THE GAMES!

TB/Atl: The magic number here is 20. If the Bucs D holds a team under that total they tend to win. For the Falcons the same number scored virtually guarantees a victory. Start rb Coleman again because Freeman is still out.

Cle/Cin: Well looky here, it’s “The Bourble of Ohio”! Celebrate by starting a fire in a steel drum-the hobos will come right out of the woodwork. After that? The canned beans must flow…

Ten/Ind: The Titans haven’t won in Indy since I was in my early 40’s. (I’m almost 75 now) Rb Gore needs just 89 yards to pass Bettis for 6th all-time in rushing. No, he’s not human.

Buf/KC: Shout out to the Bills coaching brain trust! After giving up 34 and 47 points in back-to-back games they came to the conclusion that, “that damn Tyrod Taylor isn’t putting enough points on the board to support our D!”. Good luvin’. Lo and behold, a 5th round rook qb is thrown into the fire and the Chargers feast on the kid. If you’ve got an issue at the wr spot you could do worse than Zay Jones for the Bills. His fellow wr Benjamin is out and wr Matthews and te Clay are both hobbled. Go ahead, roll them dice.

Mia/NE: Another week, another Pats blowout. NFL Excitement, y’all!

Car/NYJ: Te Olsen’s broken foot is finally back from the infirmary which is lovely news given that the Jets can’t cover that position. They’ve given up 6 TD’s there. The Panthers have to be looking over their shoulders as the Falcons seem to have put things back together recently. Carolina will roll.

Chi/Phi: Chicago is about to go through the meat grinder. Speaking of which, have you ever tried bear sausage? I have and it’s not as bad as you’d think. [waits for Seamus to pounce on this]

[ties bow around game intro post] There! We’re all set. Heave-ho, commenters!

 

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ballsofsteelandfury

Capital One beer entrepreneur girl is cute.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Plus, owns brewery. That’s breeding stock, right there.

...

I’d age my stout in her barrels.

Shogun Marcus

You’d malt her barley? Aggressively Hop her brew? Tap her keg?

King Hippo

it;s liek ad wizrds do that on purpose smh

...

The Bears may win only three games this year but it’s possible all three will be playoff teams.

Gratliff

Philly-Chicago and they play…Nothin but a G Thang?

King Hippo

/ppl forget that

rockingdog

Come on eagles D. Get me that shut out!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m waiting for the defensive score.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck you Alex Smith. Get your head outta your ass and throw it to Kelce.
But also….. not anyone else.

rockingdog

Da fuck. How is TE Travis Kelce the only player on my FF team with 0 points?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Because Alex Smith sucks.

Shogun Marcus

Dean Blandino being a “rules expert” is like John Gruden being a “master of english metaphor.”

Gratliff

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce

King Hippo

stop fucking up my BET BET BET BET BET!!!!, Striped Pylons

Spur

Bills Kicker can go to hell. He can die and go to hell.

hippofant

He already lives in Buffalo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So, just die then.

theeWeeBabySeamus

If he stays there long enough he’ll be emotionally dead.
Does that count?

rockingdog

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The Maestro

BAH GAWD, KING, THAT’S SCOTT NORWOOD’S MUSIC!

ballsofsteelandfury

That Blount hurdle was awesome!

Gratliff

Blount looking to take out some aggression on this poor Bears team

litre_cola

Blount with a hell of a hurdle.

rockingdog

Gotta think that if KC looses this game, AFC playoff spots are up for grab…
Also why doesn’t Coach Reid Pepper have Smith throw to Kelce more?

Gratliff

Bears may cut their punter by the 2 min warning

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m not even a fan, but watching this Eagles defense is a pleasure.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, not today it’s not.

King Hippo

Hausch-money misses??

clint greasewood

I wonder what Donavan McNabb is doing now.

ballsofsteelandfury

Drooling?

clint greasewood

I was going to say Steve McNair and realize he was murdered by his mistress.

Shogun Marcus

Driving. At least that’s what he thinks. Poor bumper cars.

rockingdog

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Fronkenshteen

In addition to benching Kyle Rudolph on Thursday, I benched Rex Burkhead just this morning. I am a dumb.

King Hippo

my $$ league foe? Did NAWT

Fronkenshteen

I even saw that Gillislee wasn’t going to dress. Of COURSE the NE RBs were going to have a big game vs Miami. What’s wrong with me?

King Hippo

I cut Dion Lewis because I was tired of guessing wrong

Fronkenshteen

Burkhead even fumbled last week, and they went back to him like 10 more times. That’s UNHEARD OF on a Belichick team. Oh well. Maybe I’ll try DFS for the rest of the season.

Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Goddammit Funchess. Catch the fucking ball.

Spur

Come on Bears, steal those picnic baskets and shit down Dakota boys throat.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Insurmountable lead in Philly

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m curious when Fox will switch to another game.

Redshirt

14-yard punt by the Browns kicker. The camera did a double-take.

King Hippo

I’m jelly now. LOVE watching emergency kickers. Elway was Denver’s, but he was actually pretty good, could regularly get around 35-40 yards, at least.

theeWeeBabySeamus

How do I not remember this?

King Hippo

also quick kicked several times. Dan Reeves especially liked to do this faking like he was going for it on 4th and short inside the 40.

King Hippo

at least Julio is giving me a chance in DFO ball, and CIncy giving me an early GAMBLOR edge

Redshirt

We gotta a placekicker punting in CLE/CIN! We gotta a placekicker punting!

Senor Weaselo

And now your daily dose of “That’s racist”:
Red Audi, with Chief Wahoo on the vanity plate which says Redmen.

I look forward to hearing that explanation. I mean, really?

Redshirt

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Redshirt

take two
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Senor Weaselo

Except Chief Wahoo was next to the text on the plate! I mean how do you let that go in the first place?

Redshirt

Maybe the Reds are embarrassed to root for the Reds.

King Hippo

#heritage

hippofant

They have a red friend.

King Hippo

who swears his wampum and firewater jokes are the tits!

Gratliff

Holy shit. Kenjon Barner dragging a down teammate from a rolling punt was fantastic.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Alex Smith has more attempts than yardage at this point.

Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

This is just fine.
LOL

Viva La Tabula Raza

Man, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve been a fan of the team for almost fifty years, I would fucking hate the Patriots.

blaxabbath

“Wasn’t the league formed in 2011?”

-Seahawks fans

Dunstan

You shouldn’t let that stop you.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Nevah! If Belichick had a pentagram installed at midfield, sprouted horns, exposed his cloven hooves, and exhaled fire and brimstone at his press conference, they’d still be my team.

ballsofsteelandfury

If?!?

Gratliff

They’ve really toned down practice lately

Petronel

And it would surprise nobody, as it would explain many things.

INearly fifty years for Mr. Nel, too.)

ballsofsteelandfury

THIS GUY gets it!

Spur

There is room on the Cowboys bandwagon.

JustStopDude

I’m officially okay if Ginger Hammer bans all celebrations again.

Its getting moronic at this point.

ballsofsteelandfury

BOO THIS MAN!

Senor Weaselo

I’d be okay with a panel of judges grading them afterwards, and if it gets above a certain score, the team gets bonus points, and if it’s below a certain score, it’s a 20-yard penalty: 5 for delay of game and 15 for being a dumbass.

Spur

Should i go to the bar for the afternoon games? i haven’t left the house since Thursday.

ballsofsteelandfury

Me neither. I’d advise against it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Special Olympics Bowl: Browns vs who?

JustStopDude

Reality TV contestants.

Shogun Marcus

The band.

King Hippo

whichever side drafts Sam Darnold, natch

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like how the NFL Shop is too cheap to use a genuine Khalil Mack jersey in THEIR OWN AD.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Dat Burkhead, he gritty.

Redshirt

(grumbles)

/ not a Belichick joke. Just pissed he’s a Patriot.

rockingdog

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Petronel

Pats center gonna get chewed out today…

theeWeeBabySeamus

But I’m not even in town!!!!!!!
– A. Rodgers

Spur

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Gratliff

This is the derpiest I’ve ever seen a team with a positive turnover difference look

King Hippo

a baby Pac-Man is on the way

Shogun Marcus

That’s Pac-Man Jr.
/even if a girl

Redshirt

Hey, AJ Green is still around. Good for him!

blaxabbath

He’s been getting fat off those weekly fantasy football checks for putting up scat for my FF team.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Starting the KC defense is looking smrt so far, huh?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh shit, I should have warned you that I was starting them too. Sorry to jinx you.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Probably complementary. We probably screwed each other.

I mean…wait….

blaxabbath

JustStopDude

Oh shit…penalty on Adam Jones’ return for a TD.

Somebody gon get shot.

Shogun Marcus

#thatssonathan

Redshirt

TD Pacman…being called back. But the Punter may be dead.

Senor Weaselo

Chuh chuh?

litre_cola

BULLEEE DAT?

Gratliff

NELSON AGHOLOR: ACTUALLY GOOD

rockingdog

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JustStopDude

Oh good…Cody’s in…been a while since I have seen him thrown a pick six…

Gratliff

Bears are cheating like crazy to try to stay competitive and it’s not working

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Cheating, like crazy” is the description on Donald Penn’s secret Tinder account.

Shogun Marcus

Dude, you’re winning. Complaining about this is like saying the kids jumped the start at the special olympics. It’s ok.

litre_cola

Heh heh, this was good.

Gratliff

Not a complaint. It’s just humorous that they’re doing it, getting caught for it, and when they don’t get caught, it still doesn’t work.

Dunstan

There’s a reason they don’t hold the Special Olympics in Philly

theeWeeBabySeamus

Too many applicants….we ran out of numbers.

Gratliff

Could just throw random pictures on there. They won’t know the difference.

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But instead a bear.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

WOO HOO ANDY REID DRINKING GAME TAKE TWO DRINKS!

Redshirt

Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Kizer is being replaced by Kessler.

King Hippo

Ded again, or just shitty?

Redshirt

Concussion Protocol

Spur

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