Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “Holy Sh*tsnacks Batman…No Football?” Saturday Evening Open Thread – December 9, 2017
- TGISF… AKA Your “Wang Chung Tonight” Sexy Friday Open Thread – December 8, 2017
- DFO-CON Vegas II – We’re All Still Alive – December 6, 2017
Note: While I wasn’t paying attention, BallsofSteel once again invaded my personal space. At least this time I didn’t need antibiotics afterwards.
But I digress…
In all seriousness, I’ve got a busy week, including packing for and going to Vegas. Balls has been kind enough to “volunteer” to contribute his vast and sordid knowledge of Vegas to help the cause this week.
Treat him kindly (or don’t, I really don’t care).
“What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas”
“Only In Vegas”
“Vegas Baby Vegas!”
The resort town of Las Vegas has had several catchphrases since the boom in the late 80s turned a relatively unknown adult paradise into, first, a place for the whole family, and then, a capitalist nightmare.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Vegas. At its core, I LOVE the concept of Vegas. There is nowhere else like it in the world.
It’s just that I remember how Vegas used to be pre-boom. And, looking at what Vegas has become, I miss the old Vegas. In a way very similar to how I feel about the NFL.
In case you haven’t realized it, this is BallsofSteel. I am, once again, intruding on tWBS’ Sexy Friday post as your uncle or grandfather might have intruded on Thanksgiving dinner to tell you about the time he banged a local on vacation in Mexico or Hong Kong.
It will be awkward and the story will be full of nudity and slightly/probably illegal activities. Let’s begin.
balls: FFS!!!! What? I thought you weren’t even paying attention. Don’t you have a plane to catch?
tWBS: Yes. But first, before you get started talking about how many lewd and lascivious acts you’ve witnessed (performed?) in Vegas since you hit puberty, and maybe even before that knowing you… I’m going to give a very brief history of Vegas to the folks who may not know such things.
balls: Do you have to do that right now?
tWBS: Yes. Yes I do. Because once you start showing/talking about strippers and hookers, I’ll forget later.
balls: What makes you think that’s what I plan on doing?
balls: *sigh* … Fiiiiine.
tWBS: OK, so four and a half billion years ago (give or take a coupla hundred million), in a process known as “runaway accretion”, the Earth began to form and…
balls: ARE YOU SHITTING ME????
tWBS: Hehehehehe… yes.
balls: I hate you.
tWBS: Get in line. But should we tell ’em about the Mammoth?
tWBS: You’re no fun. But fine, you’re right. I said it would be brief so let’s fast forward. Have you ever driven across the Hoover Dam on your way into or out of Vegas?
balls: Everyone has. Since I live in LA, I consider that the back way in. Do I need to mention how much I love the back way?
tWBS: DUDE!?!? Also yes, good phrasing. But, Au Contraire. These days, most folks fly in. Or drive in from the west from California.
balls: Speaking of which….your flight?
tWBS: Right, right, I’m hurrying. OK…for those of you who have never had the “pleasure” of driving into Vegas from southerly routes, across the Hoover Dam, you suck. I’ve done it too many times to count and hated it. Trying to get across that monstrosity, during heavy traffic, thru the switchbacks on both sides. Well, I consider it a rite of passage for any Vegas enthusiast. It used to be a pain in the ass, but it does also have good memories associated with it. For me anyway. At least now that I’m not having to do it anymore.
balls: Used to be a pain in the ass?
tWBS: Hey, I’m trying.
balls: No, I mean the dam. But yes also you.
tWBS: Well, they’ve built the bypass now. No one goes across the dam anymore unless they just want to. I don’t even think you can get back on the highway on the Nevada side anymore, in fact.
balls: Yeah, I forgot. So much shit with Vegas is changing on all fronts. *sigh*
tWBS: True enough. But what a lot of folks don’t realize is that without the Hoover Dam, and Lake Mead, they wouldn’t even have a Vegas to go to. The dam construction began concurrently (more or less) with Nevada legalizing gambling. This was also during prohibition, btw. So, collect several thousand horny guys from all over, now working on the dam, making more money than they ever have, in a state where gambling is legal and alcohol still technically isn’t? What would you do?
balls: First, you forgot legal prostitution. Second, the Mormons. Since they founded the original town of Las Vegas, the thought of them cohabitating with thousands of drunken horndogs is hilarious. Third, I’m presuming this is all rhetorical anyway?
tWBS: Odie Hush! Also, yes. We all know the answer. Organized crime was already moving in, also concurrently (more or less), and it was the perfect storm for Sin City to begin, in spite of a handful of governmental (read: Mormon) efforts to the contrary, including the construction of a “company town” between the dam and Vegas. That town was and still is Boulder City.
balls: So what’s your point?
tWBS: You can’t legislate morality. Prohibition fell a coupla years later, gambling was still legal in Nevada (though not in Boulder City…still isn’t, actually), and organized crime already had a foothold. The Dam was now supplying both cheap electricity and plentiful water. Then fairly quickly, Las Vegas started to become what it was destined to be.
balls: And what, pray tell, is that?
tWBS: That part is your job. I gotta finish packing. But I will tell you this…. That banner image up there?
tWBS: That’s the old strip, but only after The Plaza Hotel and Casino. Before that, the Union Pacific train station was there. It looked like this…..
tWBS: See the difference? That dot of light at the far end of the old strip on Fremont Street there? The Union Pacific terminal. And for a long time, even after The Plaza was built (originally called The Union Plaza, btw), there was still a train terminal inside of it. It was the only train terminal in the United States which had a casino inside.
balls: Shit, I remember when the train tracks were still there on the north end of Fremont… Are you going somewhere with this?
tWBS: Yes. The influx of people and the increased demand was more than the old strip could handle after a while. Now, most of the action is south, on the new strip, of course. And in trying to survive, the old establishment of Fremont Street has now been turned into an even bigger tourist trap, IMHO. Though admittedly, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, Low Commander, and myself, did have a pretty spectacular breakfast last year in The Plaza. But sadly, to get there, we had to walk thru this….
tWBS: Exactly. Closed off to all but foot traffic now, it’s little more than an “outdoor” mall. It’s called the Fremont Street Experience. Only it’s not. Not at all. In fact, it was very disorienting. For me, at least, having spent some time there before everything changed.
Which is not to say it’s all bad…
tWBS: But it’s definitely not the same.
Balls: No, not at all. You know I have to show this, right?
tWBS: Holy shit!!!! I haven’t seen that in years and had forgotten. But if you watch closely you can see The Plaza construction site in the background!!! Classic!!!!!
balls: I thought you’d like that one.
tWBS: Sooooo much!!!! But now do you see my point?
balls: Yes. And it leads into some of what I was going to say anyway.
tWBS: I thought it might. Have fun. Imma go pack now.
balls (pausing, then breaking fourth wall): OK, now that the asshole is gone…..
tWBS (from the other room): I HEARD THAT!!!!!!
Las Vegas, According to Balls
My earliest memory of Vegas is going with my full family (mom, dad, brother, and grandparents on both sides) in the early 80s. This is where I saw my first live boobies at the Fire and Ice show at the Hacienda.
This was still mob-run Vegas and a handy tip to the guy at the door got you seats front row and center. My dad did that and my seat was literally on the stage. Back then, the price of the show included dinner and long tables poked out from the stage like the sun’s rays. My seat was at the edge of the table closest to the action. I actually rested my arm on the stage.
I will never forget having perky boobies with hard nipples (The show was Fire and ICE, remember) literally two feet from middle school me. That explains a lot, doesn’t it?
One Vegas tradition held over from the old days is the wedding chapel. It encourages people to make drastic mistakes, but hey, that’s why you’re on vacation, right?
In reality, the idea was originally to market Vegas as a honeymoon destination by making it easy for couples to get married. My grandparents on my dad’s side took advantage and renewed their vows on their 50th anniversary in Las Vegas.
It was as cool and fun and quirky as you’ve seen in the movies. The jokes flying around all weekend were that my grandmother wasn’t going to say yes. It wasn’t until she, reluctantly for effect, said yes during the actual ceremony that we were sure she would go through with it.
We still have the videotape and you can hear the laughter throughout the ceremony clearly. That is a treasured memory that Vegas provided that I’ll always keep. Who knows, maybe I’ll get married one day in Vegas. I’ve made stupider decisions…
I’ve mentioned before that I visited Vegas a lot during the 90s. Like, A LOT!
It seemed every time I went there was something new. The 90s were, of course, the height of the building boom of the Vegas of the mega-resorts. It started with the Mirage and hasn’t stopped, only slowed. With that growth, however, old stuff had to go away.
That’s been the saddest part for me. At one point, I’d stayed at every major hotel in Vegas and a lot of them are not there anymore. They’ve been replaced by others or soon will be.
I remember the Sands…
The Riviera (where I attended the AVN Awards. But that’s another post. )…
The Imperial Palace (cheapest hotel on the strip for decades. Until it died. )…
The Barbary Coast (lowest gambling mins on the strip for decades. Until it died.)…
And even The Hacienda…
…which at least died with some flare. Both literally and figuratively…
And I’m just talking hotels here. There were also legendary strip clubs like the Crazy Horse Saloon and the Crazy Horse Too.
The things I’ve seen at these clubs…
The things that have been DONE at these clubs…
I’ll just tell you a short story about the Crazy Horse Too. One night, between 2 and 3 AM (because that’s the time you went to the strip clubs in my day), I drove into the parking lot of the Crazy Horse Too with my friends.
Please note that I always drove from LA. That drive along the 15 was like a rite of passage for people my age. Then, in Vegas I always drove because the taxi lines took too long. I didn’t drink. Much.
Anyway, as we are pulling into the parking lot underneath the freeway, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. As we walked towards the front, I walked slowly behind the others to see if I could confirm what I thought I saw.
Yup, it was a stripper riding a customer in the passenger seat of the car like her life depended on it. I chuckled and moved along, confident this would be a good night. It was.
In those days, lap dances were cheap ($20 per with a discount for multiples) and the selection was unbelievable. It was like being at the ultimate international buffet. But for strippers. Every type and combination of girl was working.
You want a blonde in a mini skirt with an Asian friend in a schoolgirl outfit? Give me two minutes. I would take requests and find the girls for my friends. Black girl with Latina? Easy peasy. I corrupted many of my friends at that club.
Afterwards, we exited and had to shield our eyes from the bright bright sun. As we walked towards our car, we couldn’t help but notice the police cars at the end of the lot. There was a dead body there. Yup, it was that kind of place.
For you that are curious, no, it wasn’t related to the activity seen earlier that night in that same parking lot. Different spot.
Have I mentioned the drugs and the hookers yet? No? Ok, I guess we’ll have to save something for next time. Can’t give everything away all at once. Any Vegas veteran will tell you that.
Sports To Gamble On…Or Not
tWBS: I’m BACK!! Now, I know a lot of folks love cards, dice, or other games of chance. And those are fun, admittedly. But, I personally love the sportsbooks. In fact, I’d wager (get it?) that some of you are still very familiar with this one…
But I digress…
Even if I’m not betting, watching sports in the sportsbooks is just a lot of fun. It’s a lot like having the ultimate man cave, and everyone was invited. Plus, it’s just fun to watch people. Especially in a sportsbook.
I haven’t yet decided either “if” or “how much” I will be betting on this trip. I generally decide ahead of time what my limit is. Then usually go over. But only a little bit. But either way, these are some of the sports I may or may not be betting on.
Redacteds @ Cowfuckers (+2.0, o/u 45.5)
This one opened with Dallas as a -2.5 fav and quickly moved them to a +2.0 home dog. The moneyline moved accordingly as well. But not enough to make it worth it. I still think the ‘Boys are due, especially at home. But so far I haven’t been able to talk myself into trusting them enough to lay down the scratch.
(Update: Well that was stupid of me. Dallas beats the name off the Redacteds, 38-14 final. Opportunity missed for tWBS because he’s a wuss.)
Not a career night by any measure, but Dak did what he had to when he had to. Perhaps the rumours of his demise were premature. I guess next week he’ll be the comeback player of the year now. smgdh
No way in hell am I dumb enough to bet the NHL. Especially this year. Maybe.
Don’t care enough about the association to bet on it. Probably.
- PAC12 Championship – (12)Stanford vs (10)USC – 8:00pmEST – TV: ESPN (-4.0, o/u 58.5)
This line has moved quite a bit since it opened, and is almost tempting enough now to bet Stanford +4.0. Almost. I doubt it moves enough more to get me over the hump on the spread, but I may moneyline this one (Stanford +165) if I get drunk enough.
I will almost definitely moneyline UGa (+120) and daU (+300) on Saturday.
(Update: I already have now moneylined daU +300 vs Clemson. UGa/Auburn spread not moving at all which makes me think very little action. I totally get why. Either way, the money line is now fucked as well and I’m probably not going anywhere near this one. Until I get drunk enough.)
You’d have to pay ME to bet on college basketball. Especially this early. Sadly, that’s not how it works.
Tonight’s Games of Note:
- (13) U*NC-CHeat vs Davidson – 8:00pmEST – TV: ESPN2
- (25)Creighton at (15)Gonzaga – 10:00pmEST – TV: ESPN2
Some Vegas Themed Sexy
OK, balls and myself both are gonna round this out now.
Last year, I kinda organized the gals into groups. I know some of you appreciated that (thank you for the kind words on that one Don_T , sincerely). But this year, we’re just gonna wing it. Whatever we find, you’ll see it.
And this year, you might even get strippers and hookers as well.
((And yes, I’m serious))
Balls: Oooh! That brings back fond memories! Sharp readers will see that these ladies are actually dancers from the Crazy Girls show, which was one of the longest-running shows at the Riviera. They are standing in front a bronze sculpture of themselves standing in that same pose and that featured them in thongs and was located at the entrance to the casino.
tWBS: Let me guess, you patted each of them on the butt for good luck before entering the casino?
Balls (shooting finger gunz): You know me so well…
Balls: Oooh, the Hard Rock! Can I make a Pink Taco joke?
tWBS: No! Stop interrupting!
balls: LMFAO!! You’re kind of an idiot sometimes.
tWBS: Hee hee. You know it’s funny.
balls: True, but let me pull this back on the rails before you fuck it up.
tWBS: Hee hee, fine. Go ahead and finish me off.
It’s enough to make a grown man cry, huh?
Good Morning, Vegas!!!
Well, most of the rest of this post which you’ve read above, aside from the betting updates, was written by both Balls and myself before I arrived in Vegas. I’m now boots on the ground, yet I’m still following my normal routine of getting caffeinated up, and using Friday morning to put the finishing touches on TGISF while chilling to some music. Slight difference this week, I’ve been hanging out in a casino most of the night and then had beer for breakfast before returning to the room to get started. Also, this week the wake and bake is legal. And I suppose technically it’s a “stay awake and bake”.
Also, this is my view….
Earlier this week on 25 Questions (Plus One), Balls and I kinda told on ourselves a little bit. There have been several requests that we fill in some gaps on some of those answers to the questions. If you’ve read all the way thru, you already know that Balls did just that tonight. I’ll be sharing some of mine during next week’s TGISF.
And once the rest of the DFO’ers arrive here tomorrow, perhaps we’ll even figure out a way to get a BoTG portion done for it as well. After all, the tWBS booby censor isn’t just for boobies anymore. Anonymity schmanonymity.
Anywhooo…time to go back downstairs. No, that’s not a euphemism. I’m really going back downstairs to the casino floor now.
I hope you all have a great first weekend of December. Enjoy it, because they only get worse for the rest of the month.
Do you have a “request” or an idea for a future TGISF theme? Drop me a line…