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Your “Peak Philly Fan Achievement Unlocked” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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NFL News:

  • Ben McAdoo looks destined for Cleveland.
    • They are also looking at Mike Mularkey, because if you put all the 2017 failure in one basket you can’t help but germinate success!
  • Get the the-NFL-helps-the-Patriots conspiracy bandwagon fired up: Leonard Fournette was in a car accident Tuesday morning.
    • He was rear-ended, the head of a three-car incident. As his was the last to be impacted, he was able to drive it home.
    • No injuries were reported.
  • Aaron Rodgers has moved on from Olivia Munn to Danica Patrick.
    • May I be the one to use this data and politely ask that we now cease with the “no homo” attitude around Mr. Rodgers references?
      • It’s quite stale.

  • Rumblings in Steeler nation that some in the ownership group want Mike Tomlin removed as head coach.
    • Florio is the point man on this story.
      • He says it comes down to issues about team discipline and lack of situational urgency.
        • “As one source observed, Pittsburgh would be undefeated if Bill Belichick were the coach, given the talent on the roster.”

Finally, in what may be the greatest story I steal from Crimebeat! all year, an Eagles fan named Taylor Hendricks (of course) was arrested Saturday night for punching a police horse after being ejected from the Falcons-Eagles game for intoxication.

  • From FOX Sports Philadelphia:

    • Police say it all started when the 22-year-old Whitehall Township resident got ejected from the Eagles-Falcons game for being intoxicated and not having a ticket. After he got tossed, police say Hendricks approached a mounted police officer—punching his horse repeatedly in the face and neck, then striking the officer in the legs.

  • He was charged with aggravated assault, illegally taunting a police horse, simple assault and defiant trespass. He could also receive an animal cruelty charge when he next appears in court January 30th.
  • The CBS link above helpfully includes related video of a Newcastle fan punching a horse, for context & visualization purposes.
    • I don’t want to show it; I need to show it. Really, it should be the cover page for each Saturday morning Lesser Footy post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTsxZPJDcUY

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Flyers at Rangers – 7:00PM | NBCSN
    • Vegas at Nashville – 8:00PM | Sportsnet
  • NBA:
    • Pelicans at Celtics – 7:30PM | Sportsnet1 / NBA TV
    • Suns at Blazers – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1 / NBA TV
  • NCAA:
    • Wisconsin at Purdue – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN2
    • Louisville at Notre Dame – 7:00PM | ESPN2
    • Kentucky at South Carolina – 9:00PM | ESPN / TSN2
    • Oklahoma at Kansas State – 9:00PM | ESPNU
  • Tennis:
    • Australian Open: Day 3 – 9:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

HAVE AT IT!

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Doktor Zymm

I also want to go to Birmingham so I can visit the coffin museum and the pen museum. Maybe weird European museums and displays will be my March vacation

0
Unsurprised

Did you read that Twitter thread from the guy who stumbled upon the typewriter museum in Figueres, Spain? I want to go see that. I’ve been to Figueres. It was nice, and I almost went to it myself then but it was one of the days when it was closed.

1
Doktor Zymm

No! That sounds pretty awesome though

0
Unsurprised

http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/gadgets/a23610/incredible-typewriter-museum-tweetstorm/

Then I type on the first Sholes and Glidden, from 18-whatever-the-fuck. This is where QWERTY started, and I AM TYPING ON IT. pic.twitter.com/28716hR0uf

— Marcin Wichary (@mwichary) October 27, 2016

<a href="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js&quot;

I'm excited for him re-reading it now. So cool.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Okie doke, time to go eat dinner and finally watch the last two eps of TWD on the dvr I’ve never watched yet. And experiment to see how much vodka can be consumed in rapid succession before the respiratory centers of the brain really do shut down.
But no worries…I’ll probably hang myself from watching TWD long before that happens.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMOeTLLeaDU

1
Unsurprised

Vodka!?!

h

ttps://pixxxels.org/image/62481nzc5/

I can’t find any more from this set, Yet.

0
Senor Weaselo

Sounds like a cheery evening.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Could be worse. I could be without vodka.
(snow overnight tonight…I planned ahead)

1
Doktor Zymm

TWD?
I’m afraid I’m not ‘hip to’ the TV shows people be watching nowadays

0
Mr. Ayo

The Worst Drama AKA The Walking Dumbs

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup, more or less this.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

The Walking Dead. It’s gone off the rails lately, but I can’t seem to look away.
Having not watched the last two eps yet of the first half of this current season is actually progress for me.

It’s now more or less like that girl you can’t quite quit. You’re invested, but you know she’s only gonna keep putting the screws to you.

0
Unsurprised

At least the DVR can’t stab you in your sleep.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah. You keep your mouth shut.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Although I have to say, my “Rick Beard” is coming in nicely.
Though I am sad Hippo was too busy with his little blonde to compliment it. He’s so selfish.

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Doktor Zymm

I think I might spend this off-season learning more about cricket

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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1
rockingdog

Hilary Duff?

0
nomonkeyfun

I really don’t want to click on a link to a page named “justjared”, when it is about a former Disney star.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

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Unsurprised

Touché. It’s just the first site I saw when googled that photo that I figured was safe enough to link to in case some people aren’t running a ton of ad blockers.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Indeed. I’ve always* had a thing for her.

*Since she’s been legal

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Still looks great as far as I’m concerned.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, WeatherChannel.com….stop asking me to turn my fucking adbocker off.
If you want me to turn it off, use the ad money to streamline your website so it doesn’t get fucked up every time I turn off my adblocker.

Also, it’s gonna snow tonight. I knew I shoulda gone to Ft. Lauderdale when I had the chance. Water temps still in the mid 70s, no shit.

3
WCS

YES. DEADSPIN, TOO.

2
Doktor Zymm

I really enjoy wielding my ad-blocker technology like a sword of web site design righteousness. Almost as much as I enjoy clicking on expensive pay-per-click search ads of companies that piss me off so I cost them money and fuck up their metrics.

5
Unsurprised

The per-click payment of ads, and ad-based revenue model of the web was a mistake.

3
WCS

HEY, I’VE GOT $5 MILLION IN CRYPTO-CURRINCY FOR YOU’RE INVESTMENT JUST CLYCK HEAR

1
King Hippo

Demmycrats won a special State Senate election (upset varietal) in WI tonight, if ya need to get competitive juices flowin’

2
WCS

They’ll still fuck it up in November.

2
King Hippo

hey, nobody said we’s gon stop bein’ Demmycrats ,, smh

2
Unsurprised

Ugh. Gotta get that Trump pic out of my head. Whole-ass album. https://pixxxels.org/gallery/nklgz246/

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2
...

239 perfectly proportioned pounds, baby.

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0
...

Our president is the thicc boi.

2
Unsurprised

If he’s 6’3″ then I’m Yao Ming.

1
...

I’ve seen a bunch of photos of him standing next to Obama, who is 6’1″ and they appear to be the same height, so I’m on the Trump is 6’1″ train.

HOWEVER, I believe he was once at least 6’3″ and has shrunk with age as people often do. As a tall man, I can tell you once you pass 6’1″ or so, you don’t lie about your height because you don’t need to.

1
Unsurprised

True. I’ll accept he was once, but not anymore.

1
...

I just realized that spiral is centered over his anus and oh my god CURSED IMAGE

2
Unsurprised

Wow. 1,267-day-old mole. Somebody Feed Phil is a great Netflix series, BTW.

0
...

My theory about Trump and this porn star is that he paid her off not to hide that they had sex but that he doesn’t want people to know he actually thinks sex involves rolling in a giant pan of flour and getting kneaded like a giant loaf.

8
Sharkbait

Or he can’t get it up and is paying to maintain an image. Come to think of it, that IS a very Trump move…

1
...

I like my theory that he doesn’t know how to have sex better even if yours is more realistic.

2
Unsurprised

The way things are going, the funnier/sicker version is probably the more likely one.

0
...

Which is one again proof that the Pee Tape is real.

2
...

CURSED HEADLINE

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Sharkbait

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Unsurprised

I’m totally onboard the “Trump has never actually had sex” train, and this is partly why.

Anyway, this is why NDAs are pointless when they involve people like Trump. Violating them is worth more to the parties and public than not violating them. Also, they should be illegal along with non-competes, but I’m a filthy commie.

0
...

Same. I just made a post explaining my true theory.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Interesting. “Tighty Whities” also happened to be his campaign strategy.
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rockingdog

Here Here!

0
...

My new favorite Twitter handle is “Pubic Zirconium.”

3
Doktor Zymm

So, Buzz Aldrin went all grumpy old man this morning.
http://onemileatatime.boardingarea.com/2018/01/16/buzz-aldrin-misses-delta-flight/

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

I WALKED ON THE MOON!!!!

Were you first?

FUCK YOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6
WCS

He’s just upset because Barney drank non-alcoholic champagne and stole a jetpack.

3
Doktor Zymm

So, I accepted an offer for my condo today! Last vestiges of attachment to Chicago are on their way out soon! Also, will not have to keep paying mortgage in addition to rent, which super blows.

9
King Hippo

Hooray!! As someone who paid a double mortgage for like 4-5 months…I feel ya

2
Sharkbait

Congrats!

1
ballsofsteelandfury

I just had a beet salad so yummy and messy that I look like the last time I ate my special lady while she was on her period.

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Aaaaaand the evening suddenly goes in a different direction.

3
Sharkbait

Doing your best Carrie impression?

4
ballsofsteelandfury

Indeed. I was tempted to take a selfie, but that would just turn everyone on.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Probably just me then?

1
WCS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

icky
And tomorrow morning your bowel movement will look like the time the two of you celebrated International Women’s Day!

8
Doktor Zymm

Assaulting police horses happens more than I would have thought, though I guess it kind of makes sense since they’re frequently used for drunken-crowd control.
http://www.cwbchicago.com/2016/07/whoa-nelly-man-bitch-slapped-police.html
http://www.cwbchicago.com/2016/04/wrigleyville-woman-kicked-by-police.html

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

As Dok alludes to here, the law stems from safety issues. Both for the crowds where they’re being utilized, and the officers mounted on them.

ie…horses are huge, dumb as fuck and easily spooked.

2
Doktor Zymm

The requirements and training to become a police horse mean they’re much calmer than your average horse, but that just means they won’t spook at umbrellas or whatever. They’ll still get pissy if you’re a dick, which is TOTALLY fair 😀

In other news, I think I found a stable in the area I like, I have an intro lesson on Sunday! Woohoo, starting to ride again!

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s true, actually.
The one I stole in Vegas was awesome.

3
Unsurprised

That seems like the perfect animal to have around large, uncontrolled groups of people. Deadwood in the cocksucking 1870s. Modern American downtowns in 2018. I can’t tell the difference.

2
King Hippo

We need an Al Swearingen to straighten our bullshit out!

2
Unsurprised

A congressional whip who would absolutely use a bullwhip on recalitrant cocksuckers.

1
Doktor Zymm

Eh, if people are dumb enough to assault horse I really couldn’t give two shits if they get hurt. Horses have been in crowds for pretty much all of history, what with them being the primary mode of transportation up until about 100 years ago. They’re less dangerous than using a car in a crowd, more maneuverable than using a motorcycle in a crowd, and they can defend themselves, unlike a bicycle. Height and speed weren’t the only advantages cavalry had over foot soldiers, dressage is basically self-defense for horses.

0
Unsurprised

Come on, Dok, you lived in Chicago. “Assault” on a police officer (human, canine, or equine) is just as likely to be where they hurt themselves attacking someone. In an era where there is a term for encircling and compressing a group of non-violent people until the very act of survival means doing something to provoke a violent police response (“Kettling.” Thank you, Scotland Yard.), being allowing to do such with horses is unethical if not criminal.

0
Doktor Zymm

Seeing as I actually know a lot about horses in general and police horse training specifically, I can very firmly say that you’re barking up the wrong tree here. In pretty much every case where someone assaults a police horse there’s multiple videos, since it does happen in a crowd where people have phones out and are already recording. Frequently people are joking around, but if your version of joking around involves hitting an animal then, sorry, no sympathy whatsoever if the animal responds. Do you really think this guy was goaded by police into “playing drums” on a horse’s butt?
http://www.cwbchicago.com/2015/09/cops-man-played-drums-on-police-horses.html

0
Gratliff

In his defense, that horse was a cop

1
Senor Weaselo

Yeah, but doesn’t the horse have to tell you that it’s a cop?

2
Unsurprised

Fair enough.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Pitt and ‘Cuse might the two worst teams in the ACC.

Hold our beer.

– NC State

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can we talk about how there’s a law against taunting a police horse?

1
Sharkbait

Aren’t they technically officers? Like police dogs?

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

15 yard penalty.
Loss of carrots.

5
Unsurprised

There may as well be a law prohibiting the stuffing of squirrels down one’s pants for the purposes of gambling.

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Does that help? I’ve been losing a lot lately and I need that good juju.

2
Unsurprised

It hasn’t not helped.

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Good enough!!!!
I stand to make as much as a grand on the jags this weekend.

/searches for trouser friendly squirrel

Huh, that would be a good name for FF team.

2
WCS

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Knock it off!

3
Unsurprised

You’re not my supervisor!

1
Senor Weaselo

I’m surprised he didn’t get popped for assaulting an officer.

1
Unsurprised

I don’t want to say it’s because he’s white, but …

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a weird damned zone ‘Cuse is playing.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Beginning at 30 second mark…wait for it.
(Oh San Francisco, you’re so great)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgU_D1-onK0

2
Unsurprised

JFC. Seriously? Right out of the gates.

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Senor Weaselo

That can’t possibly NOT be doctored.

0
Senor Weaselo

Similar vein, Ken Jennings everyone!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJO7hcinS-U

3
WCS

Jebus Crimeny, the enlisted guys…

0
WCS

Stillers can Tomlin, promote BOSS TODD, and everyone in Western Pennsyltucky gets a 1989 IROC T-Top. Oh, and the team goes 5-11 in 2018.

11
Senor Weaselo

But they’ll lead the league in donuts!

2
Sharkbait

Yeah, but that bitchin tranny more than makes up for missing the playoffs.

2
Unsurprised

Her?

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WCS

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3
Unsurprised

Exactly

0
Unsurprised

I didn’t know they could play the Ravens five times in one regular season.

2
Unsurprised

I’m lucky Fozz isn’t around to read this. If anyone ever figures out how to stab people via TCP/IP, it’ll be him. Stabbing one of us. Probably balls. Because balls.

2
LemonJello

“gets” meaning they pull the blue tarp off the one in their front yard?

1
WCS

In Greene and Westmoreland Counties, yes.

0
Unsurprised

Aww.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

How much vodka is too much at….
/looks at watch
6 o’clock? Oh wait, sorry…9 o’clock.
(I could have made that joke and hour ago but it wouldn’t have worked)
((get it?))

2
Romonobyl

But I’m Central time here, so sad trombone for you.

1
herodotus450

Ever at an old clock where the 7 looked like a weird. tormented 5?

1
Wakezilla

#ThePauls should wait and see what the Stillers do with Tomlin. I’d hire him on the spot. Mcadoodoo lives up to his name.

1
Sharkbait

Yeah. YOU’D hire him on the spot, because you’re a rational person. Nobody in that front office is that rational.

3
Unsurprised

The Best and The Brightest Harvard “whiz kids” can’t stop winning. They win more than Trump.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Can’t wait for Pitt/’Cuse
LOVE the Big East!!!!!!!

1
Senor Weaselo

Uhhhhhh…

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

WHEN DO WE PLAY GEORGETOWN???????

1
Sharkbait

Good to see the Ice Giants decided to show up.

1
herodotus450

Dallas with some terrible border control on that goal

0
Romonobyl

“I’m on it…”

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herodotus450

Eh I changed my mind, what Dallas REALLY needs is a bloviating boar to deliver an embarrassing, factually incorrect insult intended to demean and hide his own ignorance.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

“I got you covered there too!!!!”
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Unsurprised

He’s got you covered on account of being a giant blob of protoplasm shit.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey Pinson, no need to pound your chest there and say it’s on you.
We all saw you fuck that one up.
Douchebag.

0
Romonobyl

Good thing Danica has NASCAR to fall back on, because otherwise her pole positioning days are over.

1
Unsurprised

Since I have a juvenile sense of humor, I think Ben MakeADoodoo is going to be the perfect Browns coach.

3
scotchnaut

Ton of home-cooking going on at UNC…

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m shocked….SHOCKED I TELL YOU!!!!!!!

0
Unsurprised

You mean besides the grade books?

7
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well he’s not talking about the home economics courses that count as core credit.

2
Sharkbait

Just made some killer shrimp scampi.

2
scotchnaut

“How high is the body count? [crosses fingers for 20+]

-The NRA

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

F*** YOU I WON’T DO WHAT BILL GATES TELLS ME

2
Romonobyl

You know how they have Christmas in July? I have a better idea…Thank God it’s Sexy Tuesday.

4
scotchnaut

“You. Me. Let’s get together.”

-Tuesday Weld

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

/calls attorney
//realizes Hippo already pilled out

Meh, go for it I guess.

2
Unsurprised

As your other attorney, I think we should get all fancy and shit.

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7
Unsurprised

But on the other hand, (Attorney weasel words)

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2
Senor Weaselo

Yes, but “Tevye the Attorney” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

2
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Man, Aaron and Danica are going to have cutest mandatory threesomes ever.

2
Romonobyl

I hope Clay is into fast brunettes.

0
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Oh man, I didn’t know race car drivers ate ass like that. Why do you have that grin on your face, Aaron?”

2
Redshirt

“Damn it, Aaron. For the fifth time, you don’t make eye contact with a bro during the Devil’s Tricycle!”

1
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Somehow you manage to always make this gay, man. Why does Danica have to wear a Harvey Fierstein mask ALL the time?”

2
Romonobyl

Now I finally know what to get for Ben McAdoo next Christmas:

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You just earnt yoself a paddlin’, boyo.

3
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

To the Escher of Homoerotic Bears

DILLY DILLY

0
Redshirt

Mandatory:
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5
litre_cola

This is a great story as well.

0
Petronel

Imagine what would happen if they win on Sunday – their donation server would explode into a fiery ball of monetized P*ts hate.

0
scotchnaut

Aaron & Danika: “Neither of us can finish-for separate reasons.”

5
Redshirt

I’m scared for Aaron. Everything Danica rides always ends up crashing into the wall about a quarter of the way to the finish.

4
Unsurprised

Defiant trespass. Nice.

Like Lee crossing the Mason-Dixon line to attack Gettysburg or something.

0
scotchnaut

/my response to Sunday’s incredible games…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPw-3e_pzqU

5
Senor Weaselo

It says it’s from Godfather Part III, but they only made two of them. Strange.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

You Shut Your Whore Mouth!!!!!!

– A. Garcia

1
Senor Weaselo

Hey, the Ice Giants finally scored a power-play goal! And McDonagh finally scored one! (It was later attributed to Miller)
/A couple minutes later
Holy shit, the Ice Giants scored a shorthanded goal!

2
Spanky Datass

2:48 into the ice-ball tilt in The New Joe Louis Pizza Barn, Ice Cowboys tie it up! 1 -1 .

1
scotchnaut

[wonders if the Pats were involved]

No injuries were reported

“Yeah, the Pats were involved.”

6
LemonJello

Witnesses say one driver double tapped the brakes before hanging a u-turn and leaving the scene.

2
Senor Weaselo

“As one source observed, Pittsburgh would be undefeated if Bill Belichick were the coach, given the talent on the roster.”

*Insert any of three or four Kommenters, you know the potential ones I’m thinking of* is a source for Florio?

1
herodotus450

Apparently the creases are also bigger in Texas, Bishop way out of the net

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Get the the-NFL-helps-the-Patriots conspiracy bandwagon fired up: Leonard Fournette was in a car accident Tuesday morning.

I wonder what Brady’s and Bellichick’s deductibles are?

1
LemonJello

Do you think that they have dash cams installed?

2
Unsurprised

Yeah, but they always “malfunction.”

1
Unsurprised

Yep. Get defrauded/scammed by one Russian, shame on me …

0
LemonJello

Aaron Rodgers has moved on from Olivia Munn to Danica Patrick.

Well, that’s a beard of a different…

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er…uh…

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Nevermind.

3
King Hippo

Everybody noes them homosexuals got great taste ,, no ofence

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d be gay with either.
Preferably both, even.

0
Unsurprised

“I bet she has great repetitive motion arm strength”
— J.J. Watt

1
JustStopDude

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Fucking brilliant Padre…just brilliant…

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