Offseason Qb Interviews. Arizona edition.

litre_cola

litre_cola

Loves to use the letter U behind O. Iggles fan, Fulham FC supporter. Bartend as a hobby in Canadia.
litre_cola

I love the desert, maybe I can squeeze some golf in after the interview. It’s so handy that the stadium is so close to the metro area and Sky HarboUr…… It has proven to be very successful for the local hockey heroes, their attendance is through the roof and they have never had any issues with the City of Glendale. In all seriousness for 8 games a season the University of Phoenix Stadium is fine but it is no wonder that the Ice Cards get no one out there but nonetheless ole Herr Bettman still seems to think it is viable. The restaurants around the facility are great but you have to wonder how busy they are when nothing is going on.

Hey! They are rolling in the playing field from the parking lot, maybe I will just hitch a ride in.

 

I approach a dread-locked man with his back to me. Is it? Could it be?

LC: Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you could show me to the locker room where I have a scheduled interview?

Larry Fitzgerald : Sure! Who are you here to interview?

LC: Well the website I write for has me going city to city in the offseason interviewing qb’s for the upcoming season.

Fitz: Ummm, I don’t know how to tell you but we don’t have one. In fact we have no qb’s on our roster at all.

LC: What do you mean?

Fitz: They all either retired or got wheeled out of here at the end of the season.

LC: Well you signed on for another year why would you do that with not knowing who your qb is going to be? You could have gone anywhere.

Fitz: Have you seen what I have had to deal with in the past? Whoever we get they have to be better than what I have dealt with. That, and I am not Jerry Rice, did you know he played for Seattle?

LC: I did, it was a sad way to end a career for sure. You must just be content playing at your alma mater’s stadium.

 Fitz: I went to Pittsburgh.

LC: So, all those commercials I hear are false? I thought that you were the greatest receiver to ever come out of U of Phoenix?

Fitz: I did post grad there.

LC: Oooh you’re a doctor then?

Fitz: I have heard about you and you truly are an idiot.

LC: I get that a lot but I’m an accredited journo just like your dad! Are you playing next year?

Fitz: I certainly am not telling you. Don’t you think I would tell my father? 

LC : Well you did go to University of Phoenix. 

I make my way into the facility to see what they are going to do about the apparent lack of qb’s on the roster. Might as well skip the locker room and head to the offices to see what is going on. There is a sound coming from inside one of the offices, 

<<<DOOR FLIES OPEN>>>>>

 

BRUCE FUCKING ARIANS: SEE YOU LATER MOTHER FUCKERS!

LC: Coach! How are you?

BA: FUCKING ACES MY MAN.

LC: Can I ask you a couple questions?

BA: IF YOU HELP ME WITH THESE GOD DAMNED BOXES SURE AS SHIT YOU CAN!

LC: I have a bad back and didn’t bring my medicine but what the hell. Are you excited to be retired?

BA: WHO THE FUCK SAID ANYTHING ABOUT RETIRED? MAYBE I’LL CALL FUCKIN BOSS TODD AND WE CAN GO HUNTIN FOR TRIM IN HIS IROC. THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE IS A GOOD TIME. PRO-TIP, DON’T GET BETWEEN HIM AND THE CHAMPAGNE WIVES BECAUSE SHIT GETS PHYSICAL. I ACTUALLY THINK I’M GOING TO BUY ME A FUCKING BOAT, GRIND TAPE, AND FISH. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DID THAT? 

LC: Jesus?

BA: GOD DAMN RIGHT, JESUS MARTINEZ COACH OF  A PREP SCHOOL DOWN IN YUMA. THAT FUCKING GUY ONLY SLEEPS 2 HOURS A NIGHT AND WATCHES 3 SCREENS. I DON’T KNOW HOW HE FUCKING DOES IT. PROBABLY MESCALINE BUT MY OLD TICKER CAN’T HANDLE THAT ANYMORE! JUST GET ME A ‘LOB.

LC: Alright then, so you left them with no quarterbacks here on the roster and you supposedly didn’t know if you were returning or not, so you kinda sabotaged yourself wouldn’t you say if you were to come back?

BA: BURN IT TO THE GROUND I TELL YOU. OLD BA HAS A FUCKING TEETIME LATER AND AIN’T  HELPING WITH SHIT. YOU MET THOSE BIDWELL ASSHATS.? YOU MET EM? YEAH FUCK THOSE GUYS WITH BOSS TODD’S DICK. I FUCKING NEED TO CALL THAT GUY. THE BIDWELLS TALK ALL THIS SHIT ABOUT INVESTING IN THE TEAM AND THEY DO A BIG FAT FUCKING NOTHING. THEY JUST FUCKING SIT HERE AND COLLECT THE GOD DAMN CHEQUES. I GOT A GOD DAMN QUESTION FOR YOU MUCHACHO, FITZ BEEN HERE HOW LONG?

LC: I don’t know, 14 years?

BA: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW EITHER, BUT HAVE YOU GOD DAMN SEEN THE QB’S HE HAD TO CATCH FROM????

From Revenge of the Birds

LC: Wow, other than Warner that is mediocrity at its finest.. I can honestly say I do not remember St. Pierre, Bartel or the fact that Derek Anderson played there.

BA: DAMN STRAIGHT? I THOUGHT JOHN NAVARRE PLAYED FUCKING GUITAR FOR JANE’S ADDICTION YOU KNOW. NOPE. BA WAS DEAD WRONG THERE. WASTED TALENT THERE. IF THEY HAVEN’T HELPED OLE FITZY FOR FUCKING YEARS THEY AIN’T HELPING BA! MAYBE ADRIAN PETERSON CAN SWITCH TO QB! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

LC: Heh.

BA: THANKS BUD! THIS WAS GREAT BUT I GOT A FUCKING TEE TIME AND THE A FUCKING TRIP DOWN TO THE HABERDASHERY FOR SOME GOD DAMN NEW HATS. SEE YOU ON THE TAPE BOAT MOTHER FUCKER.

If you missed two weeks ago in Dallas.

 

*It is very odd to me that the have no quartebacks anywhere. If JFF wants to prove he is on the straight and narrow he should get a camp invite. I like the Cardinals and they really should have a couple guys in there learning the new system.

litre_cola
litre_cola
A pugs best friend. Wine drinker. Loves to use the letter U behind O. Iggles fan, Fulham FC supporter. Bartend as a hobby in Canadia. One of the resident futbol freaks at the clubhouse

Leave a Reply

Notify of
Offseason Qb Interviews! – Miami edition. – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]
Member

[…] Last week’s interview took place in Arizona. […]

Don T
Member

Beautiful. Then again, I’m easy when it comes to Fake University jokes.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“Then do I have a deal for YOU!”
comment image

Beerguyrob
Member

You know who else is big in the deserts besides Jesus?

comment image

TOUCHDOWN JESUS!

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“Oh, you said deserts, not desserts…nevermind.”
comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Jake Plummer is probably available.

SonOfSpam
Member

“Kaepernick fakes to David Johnson…rolls right…finds Fitzgerald alone in the end zone! CARDS WIN THEIR FIRST SUPER BOWL IN TEAM HISTORY!!!”

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I see someone has been to the legal pot shops in Santa Ana…

SonOfSpam
Member

Who you tryin’ ta mess with ese?
Don’t you know I’m loco?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

comment image

King Hippo
Member

None of the Above is an improvement over what they had.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Bleed American was an EXCELLENT song choice!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I can think of a quick solution to their QB problem:

comment image

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Probably need spoiler tags on that.

Too late, we’re all pregnant now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“I can’t wait to go for a ride on this…Tape Boat…oh, nevermind.”

– Darren Sharper

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Why do I feel like Matt Leinart is already loafing on Bruce Arians’ boat even though the man hasn’t even bought it yet.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

That’s an easy mistake to make. Leinart is actually doing his latest job (poorly) – dealership prep for Sun Country Marine.