Your “Lots of Noise But Nothing Really” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • Nick Mangold will sign a one-day contract next week & retire as a NY Jet.
    • He spent 11 years with the Jets.
    • He will likely spend time preparing his sister for the 2020 Olympics.
Before she’s signed to the Seahawks O-line.
  • If reports are true, we’ve been saved from Brett Favre in the Monday Night booth.
    • He apparently failed his audition alongside new play-by-play man Joe Tessitore.
    • Potential or actual tryouts have also been extended to Rex Ryan, Anthony “Booger” McFarland, Jason Witten and Greg Olsen, and the wish list is also said to include Kurt Warner, Matt Hasselbeck, Louis Riddick, and recently retired Browns tackle Joe Thomas.
      • Peyton Manning turned the job down prior to anyone else being considered.
        • “♫ No-one wants to-call bad games.♫”
  • Aaron Rodgers is reportedly frustrated at not even being notified of offensive personnel changes.
    • Especially when it came to cutting Jordy Nelson & replacing his QB coach.
    • The assertion is that he thinks “he should have earned a voice by now” when it comes to the team’s major personnel decisions.
  • The Bucs have exercised the 5th-year option on Jameis Winston.
    • It’s sad to see someone trapped in a $20.922 million contract.
      • Still – it’s a lot of crab legs.
  • Adidas has signed on to become a Kaepernick ad client if he ever resumes his playing career.
    • Which adds fuel to his collusion case, because he can attract sponsors but not job offers.
    • He showed up at 345 Park today to depose Roger Goodell & other NFL executives.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Capitals at Blue Jackets – 7:30PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet360 (CBJ up 2-0)
    • Jets at Minnesota Wild – 8:00PM | CNBC / Sportsnet (Jets up 2-1)
    • Vegas at Kings – 10:30PM | NBCSN / CBC (Vegaup 3-0)
  • NBA:
    • Wizards at Raptors – 7:00PM | TSN
    • Bucks at Celtics – 8:00PM | TNT
    • Pelicans at Trail Blazers – 10:30PM | TNT / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Indians vs. Twins – 7:00PM | FS1
    • Royals at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1
      • second-half of a twi-night double header
  • MLS:
    • 2018 CONCACAF Champions League: Final – Leg #1: Toronto FC vs. Chivas
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA (delayed to Wednesday in Canada – hockey)
      • Day 2 of the “Superstar Shake-up”

I find out in the next two weeks if they’re:

  1. Keeping my school program,
  2. Relocating my program, or
  3. Closing my program & putting me back in a regular stand-up classroom.

Dammit – I’M TOO OLD TO RETRAIN!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Gratliff

Bobrovsky aka the goalie not good enough to replace “Lost in the Woods”-era Bryzgalov in Philly.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Hives playing over the PA in Columbus.
That’s cool.

SonOfSpam

Ohtani vs Price, good guys vs chowderheads, Trout vs Betts…

Should be fun. Glad I decided to happy-drink. (May abuse-drink depending on game)

Redshirt

In honor of Failure Tuesday, he’s one of my favorite clips and how I usually react to bad news at work. So bascially this is me every day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J1NHzQ1sgc

Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I should downvote this on general principle.
But I can’t stop laughing at it.

But you’re still a jerk.

theeWeeBabySeamus

😛

Brick Meathook

ha ha ha i didn’t know down-voting even worked

Gratliff

Oh my god
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pour me another Cuban Breeze, Gretchen…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jeebus Caps. It’s not this fucking difficult to clear a puck out of the zone.

Holy shit.

/guzzles vodka

King Hippo

well, not sure I’d be so hot at it

/does NAWT ice skate

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think I’m going to give up on sports and concentrate on my real passion.

Drinking myself to death.

SonOfSpam

Do what you love, and it won’t even seem like work.

Gratliff

Can’t fight destiny

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[grabs Destiny by her hair extensions]

Oh yeah?

[is subsequently kicked in the balls by Destiny]

SonOfSpam

RTD turned into Don Imus so gradually etc.

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[notices cat drinking out of the toilet]

“Huh, I guess her water dish is empty…”

[her water dish is totally not empty]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This trailer brings me unadulterated joy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEed-o8fVpM

JustStopDude

I don’t know man…those guys have been on a straight decline since Super Troopers…

Spur

Club Dread was good.

ballsofsteelandfury

So was Beerfest.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I didn’t say I expect the *movie* to fill me with unadulterated joy.

Though I am hopeful that it will. I recently watched Game Night and Blockers and realized I had forgotten how much fun movie comedies can be.

litre_cola

I will be high, I will laugh, I will have an hour and a half of stupid away from real life.
I will take it.

SonOfSpam

Eh, maybe I don’t wanna drink anything tonight.

/opens fridge
//sees sixer of Sculpin wife got at Costco last night

Ok, maybe just one or six.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I like your math. I’m about to start counting myself, truth be told.

I should probably eat something first though, huh?

SonOfSpam

More economical if you don’t.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a good fookin’ point.
I need to lose a few lbs anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tonight’s the last night my wife will be gone on a business trip. I *have* to drink.

SonOfSpam

Yep, tomorrow back to the routine of her cooking dinner while you play God of War.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Reverse those and replace “God of War” with “Grey’s Anatomy” and you’ve nailed it.

JustStopDude
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Dear Lord, I’m sick of all this flying #twomoreflightsthisweek

Horatio Cornblower

Super Troopers and Treehouse, 4/20.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You have a point and are spot on re: my weekend plans

Mr. Ayo

It could be worse.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

That’ll buff right out.

/considers changing air reservations for next month

SonOfSpam

BEST time to fly. What’re the odds that happens twice?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Maybe I’ll take an aisle seat just in case.

Brick Meathook

It’s missing a fan blade. This was crazy.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I read something that it’s normally designed so when things fail they go backwards through the engine, and that didn’t happen here for as yet undetermined reasons.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I say as much out of curiosity as to whether you have any insight on the incident – I heard you’re one of these guys

Brick Meathook

Nah I just seem like one of these guys.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I believe SonOfSpam introduced me to this song, which I’m enjoying as I prepare myself a Cuba Libre.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L6L1NbJuIo

SonOfSpam

Perfect drink for a great song.

Spur
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m much much happier now.

3 run tater, NC State. Suck it, Carolina.

Unsurprised

I need to go outside. i’m being useless.

Gratliff

Mandatory MAD TV Kenny Rogers Jackass follow-up:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if27InJBtEI

Horatio Cornblower

The Yankees are losing 9-0 to the Marlins, a team that I would wager a large sum of money, (if I were Hippo), is going to shatter the record for most losses in a season by a major league team.

It is 41 degrees and sleeting at my house.

This spring can eat ALL the dicks.

SonOfSpam

These dumb motherfuckers offer condolences to the Bush family one year ago. (Pic is real and currently on dipshit’s Twitter feed)

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Spur

deep state trickery – Pete Carroll

Redshirt

Oh, dear God. Trump’s only been President for barely three months?!?!

(runs off screaming)

Spur

my favorite Barbara Bush quote about Hurricane Katrina evacuees.

“And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway,” she said, “so this is working very well for them.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Was that before, after, or during the raping?

SonOfSpam

Yeah, haven’t heard a lot about that in the hagiographic tributes today.

theeWeeBabySeamus

NC State pitcher ahead 0-2 with the bases loaded, grooves one down the middle. Nice and slow.

Thank goodness it was Carolina’s worst hitter, but he still fought it off for 2RBI. Dammit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

THERE, NOW THAT’S HOW YOU STRIKE A CHEATER OUT!!!!!!
I’m much happier than I was 2 minutes ago.

ballsofsteelandfury

Have you seen “Everybody Wants Some”? I’m thinking you would love it.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I have not. Having just googled it, it looks to have “At The Movies” type qualities, however.

ballsofsteelandfury

It is a great movie. I highly recommend it. You loving college baseball would make it even better for you.

SonOfSpam

Saw it on a plane. AND THEY SHOWED THE TITTAYS. Fun movie.

King Hippo

2-nil to teh good in Chi****

Spur

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Brick Meathook

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JustStopDude

Fucking cyclist.

I love that my city spent a fucking fortune in putting bike lanes that are completely and utterly ignored by assholes who just ride on the sidewalks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, the guy in the gif appears to be riding in a bike/pedestrian where some asshole parked his car. People think bike lanes are for parking their cars so that their fat and/or smoker lazy asses don’t have to walk an extra ten feet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[end hot taek on hot taek.]

King Hippo

uh oh, somebody give tWBS his bulletry back

Gratliff

The game was 2-0 last time I checked the ticker. Was there a super long delayed waived goal?

theeWeeBabySeamus

They’ll blow it.

rockingdog

found a good dog funny:

I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I’m at work.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nothing like having a dog in your lap (assuming the dog weighs less than 20 lbs).

Redshirt

Hey, don’t be dissing my dog!
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rockingdog

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Spur

Folks

Redshirt

Internet Avatar

Brick Meathook

Welcome to FAILURE TUESDAY
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Redshirt
Brick Meathook

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve seen that one of the guy in the yellow shirt going down the ramp many times and it still surprises me and cracks me up at the end.

Brick Meathook

…and I probably posted it every time you saw it. This jump is simply perfect.

King Hippo

In the year of our Lord 2018, Adam Wainwright struck out the side of an actual major league lineup.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And it wasn’t even Baltimore. Oh right, sorry. That was obvious when you said “major league”.

Baseball sucks as much as hockey, btw. And now I’ve learned Redshirt stole my ammo.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

King Hippo

y’all beat him senseless last summer!

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least the Pack9 is holding up their end so far this year.

Up 5-1 on U*NC currently at teh DBAP, btw. ESPNU.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m very happy you’re all enjoying your Caps schadenfreude. It’s a good damned thing I’ve got a good sense of humour about it.

/loads pistol
//opens mouth

Redshirt

Dear tWBS,

I pawned your bullets for beer money.

Warmest Regards,
Redshirt

PS: I drank all the beer.

King Hippo

Don’t go moving me to #2 on the Ded Pool sheet ,, smh

scotchnaut

Don’t bother sucking on that pistol. It ain’t gonna get any harder.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s REALLY good.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m glad that Barbara Bush got to go to the grave knowing that the boy she raised was not the worst president in American history.

scotchnaut

“Mission Accomplished!”

Redshirt

Bush: “The fight begin. It will be a long battle. Al Qeada isn’t defeated but…” (turns around to see banner) “…okay, even I know that’s stupid.”

Redshirt

Bush 43 wasn’t the worst President. He’s down there, but he not in the Bottom Tier.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I agree completely; I was just saying that to make the joke work.

Redshirt

Understood.

SonOfSpam

Bottom tier? How big is this tier?

Let’s say he’s comfortably in the bottom 10.

Gratliff

43’s legacy is ensuring that H.W. isn’t completely forgotten by history

King Hippo

Let’s just say we had some Presidents who were fortunate not to have saturation media coverage.

Redshirt

Agreed. (puts on Alternate History Hat)

Theodore Roosevelt wouldn’t have been V.P. because the rich people would use media to destroy him, so he wouldn’t become President and the labor reforms wouldn’t have happened.

FDR wouldn’t have been elected President because to borrow a line from “The American President”: “If you put a TV in every home [eighty-seven] years ago, this country does not elect a man in a wheelchair.”

Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t be able to win the Civil War because the media showing the horrors of war would’ve scared the people and forced a peace treaty.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

God, could you imagine a version of Fox News that served the Confederacy?

Gratliff

Yes. It’s called “FOX News”

Redshirt

11/6/1860 Broadcast: “BREAKING NEWS from Fox News. The corrupt minority of the North who wants to force their way of life onto us and seize our property has elected the (N-word) Lover to replace the Inept (gay F-word)-in-Chief.”

litre_cola

Go Ice Bombers go. Please beat these fucks.

King Hippo

On behalf of all Jorts-wearing #BFIB, I invite the Small Bears to especially get right fucked the next 28-29 hours or so.

Redshirt

“You may be younger. You may be faster. You may even be smarter. But you will NEVER, EVER, be crazier… than me.”

– The Honorable Harold T. Stone (and by extension) Harry Anderson

King Hippo

thanks for that good memory. Cheers/Night Court was as good an hour as it got

litre_cola

Absolutely. Thursday nights growing up.

Redshirt

Agreed. It was one of the best hours of TV ever. I may be dating myself, but I was lucky enough to catch the tail end of it and remember it.

scotchnaut

Whenever I think of him I immediately think of Markie Post in a bikini.

/talk about yer conflicted ‘batin’ sessions…

Redshirt

Hmm. Not sure why your confused. It seems to be a simple two step operation.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just started watching Spiderman Homecoming on this flight. From the first 15 minutes, it looks like Peter Parker likes brown sugar is the key subplot.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I really enjoyed that movie.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is that a euphemism for black girls?

WCS

Barbara Bush kicked it.

King Hippo

that’s a shame

scotchnaut

He had a good life.

Brick Meathook

That’s what years of coke and booze will do to you.

King Hippo

worth it FOAR dat figure, yo

herodotus450

The Simpsons can finally be cancelled now.

Brick Meathook

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Gratliff

I saw someone on Twitter describe the Capitals as the San Jose Sharks without the playoff success, which was just fantastic.

litre_cola

That was said on calgary sports radio this morning as well. I agree.

Brick Meathook

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Gratliff

BOB

Gratliff

Would the Blue Jackets sweep here make this the most Ovechkin-era playoff series ever?

Gratliff

Goddamn it. I just wanted to link the Bloge Salming Coach Killer video, but apparently I can’t see videos posted by The Score in America. What the absolute fuck? Why aren’t we bombing Canada instead?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa1FnxMWDHQ

Gratliff

At least I can still watch this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRn6AslysaI

WCS

I don’t know. Blowing a 3-0 series lead against the Pens would be Peak Ovie.

King Hippo

nay, they will murder tOSU tonight, then roll over ded

Wakezilla

Let’s go Ice Buckeyes, let’s go!

scotchnaut

[home crowd shakes their ‘lucky’ gravy boats above their heads despite the fact that they make no noise whatsoever]

herodotus450

Wrong Columbus
https://columbus.in.us/

scotchnaut

As a proud (meh) Canuck, I refuse to be lectured about geography by any individual schooled within the U.S. public school system.

/show me on the map where the Domino Theory actually touched you

herodotus450

How’s this for a geography lesson, Joe Mufferaw: 49th parallel. USA! USA! USA!

scotchnaut

I’m glad we burnt down your White House.

/congrats on spelling USA correctly

herodotus450

Yeah well, we didn’t like that one anyway. And we rebuilt, with LOTS of asbestos, so just try an burn it down again!

scotchnaut

I can’t wait until you let us over your border! Then you’ll pay! You’ll pay big time. Trust me on this.*

*we’re very trustworthy

herodotus450

We already KNOW your plan to go through the US and into Mexico. It won’t work, trust me. There’s gonna be a big, let’s say, wall, in the way by the time you get there.

ballsofsteelandfury

Mexico loves and welcomes our Canadian friends and their colorful money.

Gratliff

NBCSN running a delicious “Caps Playoff Failure” montage. They should replace the NHL Logo with Sad Ovechkin Face.

scotchnaut

The second part of my Ministry of Finance audit begins the first full week of May. Talking to other folks in the industry, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Basically, they’re gonna try to drown me in legal fees if they can’t get a judgement against me. The Canadian Revenue Agency tried the very same thing and failed-their agenda is ridiculously transparent.

herodotus450

Pro tip: make all of your meetings with them walking meetings. They will eventually get tired because of the silly way they walk and will give in to whatever your demands are!

scotchnaut

I was wondering if I should just slap the auditors with a large fish but I like the way you think…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Brett Favre in the box is the worst.”

–Deanna Favre

herodotus450

Well, looks like I’m off to the sign store to make another banner.
($50 follow up joke: “Actually Brett, 4 in the box isn’t stacking it.”)

Gratliff

Goddamn it. I hate when the NHL doesn’t do the one day off-one day on schedule.

Game Time Decision

this, i miss those days.

/F*** Bettman