NFL News:
- Brandon Marshall is no longer a NY Football Giant.
- Days after saying there was “no room for Dez”, the Giants have claimed a failed physical for the move, freeing up almost $6.0 million in cap space ahead of the Draft.
- Well, this is a dropped shoe – Tom Brady wants to “discuss” his contract situation before the season starts.
- He’s due $14 million, and somehow Kirk Cousins is getting $22.5 million as a base salary.
- So, I can understand why Dreamboat might want to have a chat with Robert Kraft.
- He’s due $14 million, and somehow Kirk Cousins is getting $22.5 million as a base salary.
- Head’s up Bears fans – Monday, April 23rd:
- Devin Hester & Matt Forte are scheduled to sign one-day contracts & retire as Chicago Bears.
- Both spent 8 years each with the Bears, before moving on to other teams.
- Forte stands second behind Walter Payton in most Bears rushing categories.
- Both spent 8 years each with the Bears, before moving on to other teams.
- Devin Hester & Matt Forte are scheduled to sign one-day contracts & retire as Chicago Bears.
- Because it’s schedule release day, and to take advantage of the overseas time difference, the times and dates for the 2018 NFL International Series games in London were announced Thursday morning.
- Seattle Seahawks vs. Oakland Raiders, Tottenham stadium, Oct. 14 at 1 p.m. ET (FOX)
- Tennessee Titans vs. Los Angeles Chargers, Wembley Stadium, Oct. 21 at 9:30 a.m. ET (CBS)
- Philadelphia Eagles vs. Jacksonville Jaguars, Wembley Stadium, Oct. 28 at 9:30 a.m. ET (NFL Network)
- In conjunction with the International schedule release, Jacksonville unveiled their new uniforms today.
- Honestly, I don’t care, but am happy they went away from that stupid two-colour deal they were doing with the helmet.
- News that’s not news: the [*Redacted] s are considered the worst-run franchise in the NFL.
- FINALLY, a category where the Browns aren’t last. Second-last, but not last.
- That’ll happen when you respond to fan queries with signed photos of the owner.
- FINALLY, a category where the Browns aren’t last. Second-last, but not last.
Finally, in news that will comfort him after he’s injured in Week 6, JJ Watt was named to TIME’s 100 most influential people poll.
- Because he raised $37 million for Hurricane Harvey relief.
- On TIME’s website, they have him as a “leader”, listed between Sean Hannity and Robert Mueller.
Meanwhile, Puerto Rico’s fragile infrastructure suffered an island-wide power outage yesterday, seven months after Hurricane Maria.
In a story that wouldn’t seem out of line with Maestro’s Mysteries, Deadspin weaves a fantastical tale about why the Seahawks have cut so many guys that they only have nine guys left from their Super Bowl XLI season.
It all comes down to what I’m calling “The Case of the Expired Anecdotes”.
It seems ol’ Petey had run out of motivational tales & stories for the players, who then began tuning him out in the locker room. Most famously, this is where the story about Michael Bennett reading books during meetings came from, and that his cut wasn’t just a cap maneuver. Richard Sherman noted that Carroll was perhaps “more used to coaching in college and turning over his entire roster every four years.”
All I know is that I paid full price for season’s tickets to a team that’s staring 8-8 in the face if they’re lucky.
Tonight’s sports:
- NFL:
- 2018 NFL Schedule Release Presented by Verizon – 8:00PM | NFL Network
- NHL:
- Bruins at Leafs – 7:00PM | NBCSN / CBC (Bruins lead 2-1)
- Capitals at Blue Jackets – 7:30PM | USA / Sportsnet (CBJ leads 2-1)
- NBA:
- 76ers at Heat – 7:00PM | TNT / TSN
- Warriors at Spurs – 9:30PM | TNT / TSN
- Pop isn’t coaching tonight, because his wife died.
- MLB:
- Blue Jays at Yankees – 6:30PM | Sportsnet1
- no national US broadcasts
Seamus has you tomorrow for 4/20. I can’t imagine what he’ll bring.
HEYYYYYYYYYYY, SEXY LADY!
So the Jets had an… innovative way of showing their schedule. Now we’re gonna put 60 seconds on the clock after watching the video, and GO!
http://www.newyorkjets.com/videos/videos/Take-a-Ride-Through-the-2018-Schedule/6bb665d7-b1ee-422b-846c-24be55a9f59a
SPOILER ALERT:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GS_eIKF9mzg&t=50s
So at work today we’re having a photo shoot with big-titted super-models, and they won’t give me a break. Can’t a guy finish a NYTimes crossword puzzle without constantly having his dick sucked by big-titted super-models? This is almost as bad as when I worked at the sex farm.
The Dirt Leafs suck hobo cock and you should NEVAR GAMBLOR upon them. River Plate came through at +300, so at least I made $70 on my ridiculous foray into sudamericano Lesser Footy this evening.
Steelers vs Bengals Week 17. 1 game suspensions here we come.
Just remember, when the Bengals do it its dirty, when the Steelers do it, its clean.
Related to my comment on the Niners: Why do the Bills get only one prime time game and end up hosting Patriots to scramble their innards?
Last one.
Who needs teeth, lips, sinuses, a nose anyway?
The Mythbusters approve!
Great, Cowboys get the [*Redacted] s for Thanksgiving. I’ll be in Texas this year too. I’m sure the Cowboys will fuck up the holiday.
Why in the ever living fuck are the 49ers on Sunday Night twice?
Someone brained their damage.
To get the Jimmy G Experience!
You ever hear of the glass ceiling, Mister Man?? #Phallocracy
They went with a nice batch of mostly mean divisional rivalries for Thanksgiving, which I approve of.
YES. We all deserve this break from our families.
Good patience, eh, Dirt Leafs??
Does anyone remember that article Magary used to post about how your team is definitely going 12-4 this year, and breaks down the schedule in general terms. I can’t find it.
Finally the Cowboys don’t play the Giants opening weekend.
Bears open on Sunday night in Green Bay. Awesome. Let’s get the national humiliation out of the way early.
Ahahaha. And a Thanksgiving Day game at the Lions. Just get out the ballgag and paddle my ass beet red.
Would it be crass to post Death laughing again?
Honestly, it would fit with my entire philosophy toward my Bears fandom.
I put moneys on the Bearistocrats! to win the Superb Owl. The odds were incredibly favourable.
I mean, it’s the sort of long bet I’d take if I ever bothered to gamble.
Raiders have to play the fucking Rams first. In Oakland. Nothing like getting your expectations blown to shreds in front of your home fans.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!
Folks
RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!
Or just the NFL schedule.
I am not much on the “Association” but these Sixers Heat games have been fantastic. Dwanye is playing for sex.
.
How much is the cake baked on the Caps being suck-ass chokers? Betting this fucker to go to OT at 0-2 with 8 left in the 2nd only pays 4:1. To lose in regulation? Just 14:1.
FUCK hockey gambling. Dunno how Litre does it.
I have stopped in the playoffs until the Ice Bombers get knocked out. Bad juju.
Anybody else got #ACTION on the Copa Libertadores? $30 on River Plate, because Everton’s weirdo CB Ramiro Funes Mori is from there, and $20 on Universidad de Chile because their badge is sweet.
/first half only bets because Hippo has new Lesser Footy system he been working to good effect
2018 is shaping up to be one hell of a year.
http://rajah.com/node/61841
Me, After first bullet point: I wonder if this crazy fuck had something to do with the gunshots from a while back.
Second bullet point: “police were called and Montalvo was actually shot at and charged with multiple offenses.”
Third bullet point: “One of the company’s claims is that he has threatened to use his own semen in a biological attack.”
The rare quick, but also totally reasonable escalation.
Sill?
Didn’t see this. May have been posted. Posting it anyway. Fight me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwVOmTImfLA
I really liked the 1st season. Kuntar!
I like Betty Gilpin. Maybe Alison Brie will show her tits again.
Kate Nash was a revelation
Experts: “So who is going to be the first manager to be let go in this ear….
Reds: “FIRST!”
https://www.cincinnati.com/story/sports/mlb/reds/2018/04/19/cincinnati-reds-fire-manager-bryan-price-name-jim-riggleman-interim-manager/531563002/
Oh hell yeah. One ex-Cubs manager is never enough.
Eagles line week one is -3.5 v the Falcons.
Home?
/wait, guess would have to be, since Dakota Jeebus likely not back, so they wouldn’t be favoured in ATL
HE WILL BE BACK
I set the over/under on Week 4, Buddy-Guy
UNDER! Please UNDER,
Why is Aaron Boone bringing Dellin Betances in against Toronto with a one-run lead?
I had hoped cashing my Dirt Leafs bet, but nay
So at work three years ago, I was transferred to another plant as a Promotion. I packed up my stuff and uprooted myself to help start the new plant.
However the new plant will ill led by incompetent leadership, lack of planning, lack of focus, and below the bottom of the barrel employees. The only thing it did was cost the company money, cause us to lose several of our customers and eventually I was recalled back home with my Promotion taken away. It was partially because they knew the new place was failing but they didn’t want to risk losing me to someone else, and also, because the people they hired to replace me screwed up my job beyond recognition so I went from one dumpster fire to another, while having to move all my stuff…again!
So I walked into the plant to see one of the dumbass’s who lead the Titanic into the iceberg at full speed sitting in my boss’s seat. Its a good thing I was tired. For a second, I thought they fired my boss and replaced him with one of the people responsible for the sad state the company is in and I would’ve done something that would’ve ended with me being lead away in handcuffs.
Yet you’re not on team #BloodInTehStreets, still??
No. I’m the type of guy who stirs up shit, makes popcorn, sits back and watches the fun.
as a Shoulder Devil, I respect that. Game recognize game, yo.
Ok, going out for birthday dinner with Lady BFC, try not to burn down the clubhouse while I’m out.
So no juggling burning bowling pins?
/Reaches for fire extinguisher
YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!
(I’m going to set this place on fire with everyone in it.)
If you stand around the outside you will get contact high from our stashes.
(Next Day Press Conference)
Firefighter Chief: “Three squads showed up to combat the fire, but suddenly they were compelled to sit in a circle debating how different life would be if our thumbs was on the outside part of our hands.”
This made me laugh out loud. Extra Skyline for you tonight sir!
They also made Smores over the fire.
Unsurprised Reacts Reasonably
But this Charizard followed me home from school! And I’m keeping him!
For teh Bucks!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfySK7CLEEg
So Monday I have to give training to a bunch of customers from Chile. I had been fighting with my management to get me a native Spanish speaker, preferably from South America because 1) technical training is difficult and its important to make sure my concepts get through and 2) my Spanish is Chicano/Northern Mexico. There is fucking differences.
So my coworker they are loaning me for next week finally showed up today from the field.
Its my buddy Jorge.
He is from Panama.
His Spanish is fucking worse than mine. When i explained he was there to correct my Spanish during the class, he just got wide eyed.
Next week should be fun.
When encountering things such as this I resort to play acting. Worked in Bulgaria!
When in doubt, hire an attractive woman to wear something skimpy to do charades. They’ll understand you just fine.
Just talk louder.
I will be attending Eagles v Fulham Jags Oct 28, was just waiting for the date. Will there be 2 BOTG’S? You are god damned right there will be. EPL on Saturday and NFL at Wembley on Sunday.
Yinz get a pretty good fixture, even!
Going with 3 Irish lads and a Bermudian who is a Bears fan! International debauchery!
WOOOO!!!
God damnit, Ice Buckeyes. Get your shit together! You’re losing to a team that rolls over and dies as if they’re receiving blankets from pilgrims for the first time!
*whispers in Wakezilla’s ear* Wrong Washington team
Really wish I could stay up with you guys and fuck around verbally. Somehow, some way, the goddamn 5:30am EST wake up time rears its ugly goddamn head every Monday to Friday every goddamn week.
/Nighters!
As I said last night, fuck eastern time
I’m going to laugh my ass off when Donald Trump gets the goddamn Nobel Peace Prize.
If Trump somehow brokers peace between N. and S. Korea and leads to genuine reform of N. Korea, I’ll rupture something important and vital.
I honestly don’t see how he could achieve much. Even a peaceful unification would have devastating consequences to the global economy, though of course, it would be better than a shooting solution.
The Sunshine Policy of the past won’t even work because its becoming so difficult for the DPRK to control information coming across the border that a peaceful investment to try and raise the standard of living in the north would have the potential to destabilize the regime.
No one can afford the North to collapse.
Well, if Obama can win one..
How fucking long has Sherman be in the league? He does realize that the average NFL career is 3.3 years right? That’s not their time on the same team…that is their total fucking career.
This is like the dumbest fucking mindset in sports to have, especially in the NFL. The game was four years ago.
Fucking coaches in the NFL better be used to turning over an entire roster every four years…
Oh Jesus. https://gfycat.com/IlliterateOilyCarp
Of course we end at Pittsburgh. I see God hasn’t forgiven us for breaking His greatest creation in the ’90-’91 Playoffs.
Is it too early to start planning my 2018 keepers based on this schedule release? Also, can I bet on it??
Just remember that PIT-CIN is a bloodbath. Assume there will be injuries and suspensions the weeks after.
WOOHOO! I don’t has any of them! I know I will use my best keeper slots on 2/3 of Gurley Man and the Watson/Hopkins combo, after that it’s a matter of what to do with David Johnson, Gronk, or some Wild Card, bitches.
I try and stay away from an early release.
I want the Caps to win, just to see if Trump invites them to the White House or he freaks out because of Alex Ovechkin is going to show up and he is afraid of being seen as a Russian plant.
I cannot fathom him giving a shit.
A piss, on the other hand…
Pens, too.
(the AFC North teams waiting for the schedule release)
Pittsburgh Steelers (thinking): “Please end with Cleveland. Please end with Cleveland.”
Cincinnati Bengals (thinking): “Please end with Cleveland. Please end with Cleveland.”
Baltimore Ravens (thinking): “Please end with Cleveland. Please end with Cleveland.”
Cleveland Browns (thinking): ♪ “The girl from Ipanema goes walking / And when she passes, each one she passes / Goes “A-a-a-h”” ♫
oh, it can’t be you silly. They would NEVAR make the Murder Bowl be Week 17, in case it doesn’t mean anything worth masturbating over for Al and Cris.
This was delightful and although it cannot fit on the banner, it belongs there.
Big shock that an NFL team doesn’t want its players to read.
Then you’d think U*NC would be a more popular recruiting grounds.
So that ICO I mentioned yesterday…people figured out where the guy took his twitter photo.
Well now the CEO is claiming they played a joke on their investors as a warning to how easy it would be for their $50 million USD to disappear if they tried to run a scam on everyone.
Fucking crypto-currencies are hilarious!
Dude on Wheel o’ Fortune just won $10k in cash, a car, and a trip to Belize in the same round. Over $38k total, in one round.
Tis a shame he won’t get to enjoy it after, y’know…Belize
That’s unBelizeable
the Ice Footbaw “action” has been turrible, and the best #BFIB starter got shellacked at the World’s Largest Outdoor Urinal today. And I was on the phone for work pretty much continuously from 4-7:15.
On the plus side, I went up like $500 in GAMBLOR today. PRAISE BE!!
Chip Kelly’s fantasy.
I know our Canadiaun friends around here loathe the Leafs, but, seriously, FACK BAWSTAHN.
ah have caught myself chanting “Go Leafs Go!!” a few times.
Canadiaun’s not liking leafs? That can’t be right. I mean, did you even READ Baking with Litre?
Fuck those guys. It will be bliss when they are out and Winnipeg is still in.
Fitting that the Football Clippers will give up a home game to play in London. There isn’t a doubt in my mind they will sell more tickets there than they would’ve at Legal Scalping Center.
HEY PAL, that’s “low-rent minor league Lesser Footy ground”
/forgets this ain’t Saturday
//fuck me, one more day of annoying developer calls to come
Hello, Boys.
If Horatio is going to Fox on The Run all the time, I’m going to Under The Pressure a few times. It’s eleven minutes long but don’t try to pretend that your time is that precious…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S3_WyaEqwk
that is indeed beautiful. whatsit about ALL TEH TIME? (I tried to share this with, and thus reach out to asshole vegan teenager, asked her what she thought the next day and she said “oh, I forgot”):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-N6jfO5NOQ
I’m sorry…I know the [*Redacted] s are a mess…but in the modern fucking era, you cannot go 0-16 and not be the worst team in the league until you win a FUCKING REGULAR SEASON GAME!
Every fucking year the Browns “win” the fucking off season.
John Dorsey is getting WAY to much credit for future success…
Well that, but just how in ANYONE’S mind are the 49ers the “best negotiators” when they got GAROPPOLO FEVER and gave Jimmy G the highest contract in the NFL after not even playing a full season?!
#BackFatVindication
Hawiian?, Hawwayan?, Hiaywain?, Hawbain?, Hoebaylan? pizza with green olives? TOTALLY YUMMERS!
/not really, but my kid likes it
I gave the guy a $10 tip because I worked in the service industry for 11 years and I feel morally obligated to over-compensate for all the shitheads out there that don’t understand how things work.
Fucking doctors and lawyers…worst tippers on the planet…
“Everyone who earns a Masters or PhD degree should be obligated to spend one year as a taxi driver or bartender.”
/can’t remember who said it but I came across it several years ago and still agree
In this economy, they are probably spending more than one year as one or both.
A while back, I said something to the extent that everyone should be forced to work in the food or other service industry for a year in their life so they know how the fuck to treat their fellow man/woman. But that’s a good start.
Teachers would like a word with you.
Also, fucking Australians & Brits. Enough of those fuckers come here on the reg to know tipping is a custom.