Inside an empty DFO boardroom, the door flies open
In walks Downton Abbey actor, Jim Carter, wearing his traditional Carson outfit
Carter: All rise for the current fantasy DFO World Cup of Lesser footy leader. . . as of July 5th, 2018, Master, Wakezilla.
In walks the King amongst men, Wakezilla. Wakezilla hands Carter $1000
Wakezilla: Thank you, Carson. That will be all
Carter: I’m Jim Carter, sir.
Wakezilla: Look, at this point, I am all but the DFO Lesser footy champion for the 2018 World Cup. That million dollars is mine. You will be my permanent employee, Carson.
Carter checks his cell phone and begins to grin. He shows Wakezilla something
Wakezilla: There isn’t any money on the line in this? Ah mother fucker! I spent my life’s savings to build a moat around my house!
Carter: Pity, sir. Shall I retire?
Wakezilla: I’m ruined! Ruined! I–
Wakezilla notices that the camera is on. Carter exits the room and the rest of the round table enters
Wakezilla: I’m. . . happy to see you all here! Are you, loyal readers, going through Lesser Footy withdrawal? . . .Shut up, tWBS!
Well, for the rest of you, we all know how much you love it when analysts express their thoughts when their respective league has a day off. As a result, here’s a pretentious round table of what our “experts” think about what has happened at the World Cup so far. First, lets look at the biggest surprise.. .
Balls: For me, by far the biggest and most pleasant surprise has been Japan. I mean, our preview was full of horrifying monsters that mock you after sex. But enough about our exes.
Not only have they played inspiring offensive footy, they have shown no fear and, rightly, advanced thanks to their fair play. We all decry the antics of Neymar but don’t applaud Japan? Fuck you.
Plus, after they lost their knockout game, they cleaned up the locker room and left a Thank You note written in Russian.
That’s fucking awesome.
Don T: Yeah, Japan for sure. After that, I’d say both Messi and Cristiano not figuring in the final 8. You could see that coming after the group stage, but it was unthinkable before their first game. Overall, team play has prevailed over individual talent in this tournament, which has been pleasant. Except in the case of Sweden: great story, lousy watch.
Wakezilla: Unreal. I came up this topic and I don’t even know what I mean by this. By biggest, I guess I mean ‘best’ surprise. For me, the biggest and best surprise is the parity of this World Cup. Traditional powerhouses have fallen or struggled, while non-traditional powers/underdogs are making a legitimate run at the Cup. Croatia vs Belgium or Uruguay in the Finals is new and welcomed. I guess I could mention England making the Finals as new and fresh, too. But fuck their media forever.
Litre_Cola: For me the biggest surprise were how the mighty have fallen. Thus far we’ve lost Spain, Germany in the group stage and we lost Argentina and Portugal the Team in the round of 16. I could see one of them falling in the group and another in a head to head matchup in the round of 16 that would eliminate another powerhouse. To have all 4 of these teams not make it to the final 8 is crazy. Instead we have the blood dopers from the lowest ranked team in the tourney looking to beat Croatia to make it to the final 4. Banancakes.
Hippo: The public schiesse porn that Germany put out there. I could not believe mah pill-ridden eyes.
Balls: I’ve got to say Germany although any observer could have predicted their downfall based on the players they chose for the World Cup. Do we call this instead the biggest tactical mistake?
Ze German team that rolled through the Confederations Cup last year was full of young guys dying to prove themselves. I thought they did, but apparently Joachim Low did not. He relied on older players and that bit him in the ass.
I’ll predict this: If Germany undergo a youth movement and let the older generation go, they will win Euro 2020.
Don T: Colombia losing on PKs, leaving only one hispanohablante country in the last 8. However, that country is Uruguay:
Hippo: What DonT said. To get that awesome sauce equalizer at the death of normal time, only to not even try for a winner, then be flat all of extra time and THEN blow your early advantage in pennos? Just fuck right off, you awful cock teases.
Wakezilla: Ever since I began following international lesser footy, (West) Germany has always been my team. I love their jerseys–except the green ones because they always shit the bed in their green unis– and there are always a few players that I really enjoy watching. Having them bow out in group stage was very disappointing. Especially because it meant a shitty style of lesser footy played by Sweden got to advance.
Litre_Cola: For me it is the Spanish losing to the Communist PED’s. I believed that with their sacking of the manager that they were a veteran laden side who would shake it off and play their way. They were on the easier side of the bracket and it was to be smooth sailing to the finals. That did not happen and I will say it again the LOWEST seeded team advanced. I am all for the plucky underdog but sheeple, there is something going on with the Russian team.
Balls: For sheer bananacakes value, I’ve got to go with Belgium-Japan with France-Argentina a close second. The fact that these were Knockout Round games which are traditionally boring, low-scoring, and played without balls made them even more special.
Don T: Portugal 3 : 3 Spain. A dynamite game that had an amazing context. It was the first game, and Spain had fired their coach two days earlier. On the Portugal side, on the day of the game, Cristiano Ronaldo reached an agreement with Spanish prosecutors: a 21-month suspended sentence and an 18.8 million euro fine for tax evasion. Then he scored a hat trick against Spain, leading to a World Cup meme that has yet to be topped:
— Insónias em Carvão (@insoniascarvao) June 15, 2018
Wakezilla: France (4) vs Argentina (3) in the round of 16. I think this game gets the nod over Belgium vs Japan because there was more on the line. If Argentina and Portugal were to win their respective matches, we’d get Ronaldo vs Messi in the quarterfinals in their final World Cup. That alone made the game feel high stakes because in our life time, we will never see two of the greatest players of all time, both in their prime, playing each other in the World Cup playoffs. Regardless, the game itself was excellent. We had a high scoring game that had a lead change and some really nice goals. There was only one save made, and the player who was stopped was Lionel Messi.
Entering this tournament, it felt like this was the tournament where we crowned either Messi or Ronaldo as the GOAT, or propel Neymar into the conversation. In hindsight, the narrative of this World Cup might actually be about crowning Mbappe as THE Next One. Only time will tell.
Litre_Cola: Spain v Portugal in the 1st week of the tourney. I despise Ronaldo but he was a boss in that game. The Spanish were dominating and gave the Portuguese very few chance but they cashed in every single damn one. He is still a tremendous douchebag but he is so clutch that you have to respect him. I think that this is what player like Neymar, any English guy, Giroud, Suarez lack, they are not free kick masters. They are all finishers but lack the skill of being able to bang on free kicks regularly like Messi, and Ronaldo.
The Spanish were lacklustre throughout and it seemed to me that teams have started to figure out how to defend against their passing system. The rest of the world has caught up to their schemes and they had better hope they change it for the Euros in 2 years.
Hippo: Waffles/Japan 2nd half was the best 45 minutes of Lesser Footy I have ever seen, at least internationally. Just sublime.
Balls: Has to be Kroos against Sweden. Because of the timing in the game, the incredible pressure the team was facing, and the execution. I wanted Germany to tie, but I had to applaud that goal.
Don T: I’ll go with this one:
Wakezilla: I think I have to give the edge to Benjamin Pavard’s goal against Argentina. Aside from awkwardly kicking the ball, the shot is a howitzer and the ball does a crazy curve to find the back of the net. As an added bonus, the goal is in the playoffs and changed the momentum of that game.
Litre_Cola: See above. He is a centre back and did that in such a huge game. Fucking fantastic.
Hippo: With honourable mention to Les Frogs’ CB wonder strike, the fast break Waffles’ winner winner chicken dinner (with Big Rom selflessly jumping over and doing a back heel flip touch to set up his teammate) was the moment of the torneo so far. Assuming they don’t blow it tomorrow. Please, for the love of God, don’t blow it tomorrow.
Favorite new thing in the tournament:
Balls: VAR. It has worked and fixed a lot of problems we used to have in World Cups. It has made the game better.
Don T: Germany out in the groups stage.
BONUS: my Why do people think Mats Hummels is good? campaign has gone from “revisionist history” to “gaining traction”.
Wakezilla: The parity of this tournament has been refreshing and welcomed. It’s nice not knowing who is going to win and by how much. Of course, these results have made us DFO experts all look (even more) stupid in the predicting process.
Litre_Cola: This has been the best damn utilization of technology in any sport. VAR takes less than a minute, decision made, keep going. They got this right without challenge flags or huge delays. This could be done for goals in Hockey, two feet down in the end zone in football, whatever they do in hoops, and questionable calls in beisbol. Well done FIFA. I feel dirty saying that.
Hippo: Cisse on the touchline as Senegal’s head coach. I would gladly walk through fire for that man, and we should all be thankful he is using his skills and charisma for good rather than death squad-related evil.
What tie-breaking method should FIFA replace Fair play with?
Balls: None. If you’re going to bitch about Neymar falling and diving, you should reward teams that don’t use dirty tactics. Leave it as is.
Don T: Don’t! I agree 100% with Balls. But if Fair Play would be replaced, award the knockout place to the delegation with the highest nicotine consumption.
Via @Brilliant_ads / postimage.com
Wakezilla: I can’t stand the Fair play at all. First, yellow cards are subjective and every game isn’t officiated by the same ref. One ref’s yellow, is another ref’s “play the advantage.” Second, not every potential yellow card gets called. You know how a team can waste 2 minutes making one substitute change? That’s a delay of game and supposed to result in a yellow card. Third, all yellow cards are not reviewed by FIFA. So if a player gets a yellow because the ref bought a dive, that yellow card could cost a team a playoffs spot. Fourth, there was nothing fair play about how the Japanese played once Colombia had scored against Senegal. They were not assessed a yellow card. Finally, I have no stats to prove this, but, we live in a racist world and I would not be surprised if African teams/players get carded more often than their lighter skin compatriots. So here are my suggested changes:
1) In an ideal world, I’d replace FIFA Fair Play with the tying teams having a shootout on the day off between group stage and the round of 16. Honestly, fill the stadium with local kids (who get in for free) and let them be a part of the tournament. It would be such a great PR move for FIFA and highlight how the World Cup of lesser footy is still accessible for all.
2) In reality, I’d go by which team has the most corner kicks over three games. It’s a subtle way to reward the more offensive minded team. If they’re still tied, go to penalty kicks the next day.
3) Have penalty kicks at the end of every group stage game, regardless of the score. The winner of the penalty kicks gets the tiebreaker advantage.
Litre_Cola: I agree with Wake’s assessment but I do not know how to change this. I think his 2nd idea holds most weight. More attacking teams deserve an edge. Do you remember the Euros in 2004? Yeah, that was the Greece one. What a boring crock of shit that was.
Hippo: Go back to drawing lots. Or make the captains play Russian roulette. Ain’t nobody gonna sandbag a match and settle FOAR that shit.
What should we look forward to with the remaining games?
Balls: Wide open games with teams attacking instead of waiting 120 minutes for penalty kicks.
Don T: The Uruguay / France / Brazil / Belgium bracket games. That’s where the champion is.
Wakezilla: English Schadenfreude will be extra enjoyable because the British media has lost their damn minds now that the Brits won a game on penalty kicks. Speaking of the Brits, it will be amazing if Big Rom continues to score and not only surpasses Harry Kane, but also breaks the World Cup record for most goals in a tournament.
I think Suarez and Mbappe have the potential to put on one hell of a show when Uruguay meets France on Friday.
Finally, Croatia beating the Rooskies and ideally the Brits to make it to the Finals would be one hell of a story. The only thing stopping them is that most of their players have a yellow card.
Litre_Cola: Tomorrow. It is going to be awesome. I am off work and heading to get in line at the pub for 7 am. It will be jammed and it will be crazy. I can’t wait for tomorrow.
Hippo: The emergence of the next generation of “the greatest player in the world” contenders. Mbappe, Kane, Lukaku, De Bruyne. Hint, hint – one side has two of ’em!! (ok, Les Frogs also have Kante and Griezmann, who ain’t far behind)
Which country you like a little less/hate more:
Balls: Like more: Japan and Senegal. Pure class. Hate more: Egypt. They had two months to come up with a game plan beyond “Mo Salah” and couldn’t do it.
Don T: Serbia, for being snitchy bitches by filing a complaint to FIFA over this All-Time #troll job:
Sus familias son de Kosovo. Emigraron a Suiza por la guerra en los Balcanes. Hoy, jugando para Suiza, le anotan a Serbia, que era parte de la antigua Yugoslavia y quien aún hoy no reconoce la independencia de Kosovo y celebran haciendo el águila de Albania. Shaqiri y Xhaka pic.twitter.com/NpodEqIQkS
— Juez Central (@Juezcentral) June 22, 2018
Wakezilla: Scandinavia (including Iceland). I don’t care how many damn matches in a row their unbeaten streak is. Their tedious, “defense at all costs” style is horrendous to watch and their success is toxic for the game.
In an ideal world, I’d like to see FIFA give out an extra point for teams that score 3+ goals. That way, they promote more goals being scored and ideally will dissuade teams from playing anti-lesser footy.
Litre_Cola: I dislike Sweden waaay more than I used to. Without Zlatan they are boring as hell and just a terrible team to watch. As I mentioned above they remind me of the Greeks in the 2004 Euros.
Hippo: Mad respek for Japan, Senegal, and the Murder Checkerboards. Even less for Switzerland and Spain. Christ on a bike, to lose to fucking Russia in the knockouts, on top of being a bunch of cunts.
Which player you like a little less/hate more:
Balls: Hate more: Neymar. Like more: Mbappe.
Don T: None. Hate levels remain as-is.
Wakezilla: I’ve lost respect for Neymar. He spent years combating his diving reputation, only to make a farce of himself this World Cup.
Litre_Cola: My Barca bias had me not minding Neymar, but that guy is a joke. With Ronaldo’s potential move to Juventus I believe that Neymar will become my #2 hate. Behind Pepe of course because fuck that guy.
Hippo: Tip of my Everton cap to Ronaldo, that fucker for Nigeria who played whilst his Dad was kidnapped back home, Jordan Pickford, Romelu Lukaku, Mbappe. Less for Messi, Shakira, and especially that thundercunt Neymar.
New found respect for a country:
Balls: Russia. They’ve played offensive attacking footy and have done a hell of a job hosting.
Don T: Japan. The day before their first game, there was a deadly earthquake in Osaka. They beat Colombia, and all of their games were dynamite. Their fans also set a great example. And then they get eliminated in the worst way possible–like this, but with much, MUCH higher stakes:
Wakezilla: I really enjoyed watching Senegal. They’re young, fast and physical. I truly believe that if they can stay healthy and continue to develop, they’re making at least the quarterfinals in the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.
Litre_Cola: England. I hate their media so I have been trying to avoid the “It’s coming home” bullshit but they are organized and Harry Kane is balling. They play good defense but are not like the Scandinavian sides who solely concentrated on defending. The English look to attack all the time, I can’t believe I will be supporting them against the Swedes because I do not want them in the final 4.
Hippo: Japan and Senegal. They played their hearts out, had great fans, and displayed true sportsmanship on and off the pitch.
New found respect for player:
Balls: Yerry Mina. He single-handedly carried Colombia as far as they went. I’m hoping Valverde sees what Mina can provide and plays him more intelligently at Barça next season.
Don T: Kasper Schmeichel. He had an unbelievable tournament, and against Croatia, he deserved to go out doing the Sam Cassell testicle dance.
Wakezilla: While John Obi Mikel played in his last World Cup, he knew that his father had been kidnapped. Yet, he still had a respectable showing. That’s badass. I would have gone into the fetal position and not moved the entire time.
Litre_Cola: Mbappe. I knew he was good but had no idea how he could change a game like he has done. He is just a child and he is the ‘Next one” after Freddie Adu in my opinion.
Hippo: John Obi Mikel, as noted above.
1 NUCLEAR TAEK THAT EVEN STEPHEN A SMITH IS LIKE, “DAMN!”:
Balls: Russia will reach the World Cup Final.
Don T: Harry Kane will win the golden boot because of fucking penalties. If not for those, Luis Suárez would win it—because there’s no way damn FIFA would give him the best player award. Yes, I’m aware that Suárez has only two goals at present.
Wakezilla: Recently, UKIP tweeted out “Congratulations England! Football is coming home!” Considering how much hatred they have for immigrants and non-white folk, it’s amusing to know that nine out of 23 players on England’s squad are Caribbean or African descent. It is the most ethnically diverse group to ever represent the country in the tournament. To put things into perspective, this is what England’s starting 11 would have looked like without some sort of immigration:
Belgium has 10 sons of immigrants (which sounds like a really good band name), and France, Portugal and Switzerland are all looking very, uh, athletic. For Denmark, Mathias Jorgensen’s mother is from Gambia, and he scored for Denmark against Croatia. Pione Sisto was depended on for Denmark, and he’s from Uganda. Yussuf Poulsen is Tanzanian and Muslim.
Meanwhile, in the political world, these right wing groups that are praising their national teams are meeting up in Brussels to sprout out toxic shit about how potential migrants from African nations should be prevented entry into Europe, in order to avoid of 2015 where hundreds of thousand migrants sought asylum. As for Denmark, they have created a category of immigrants/citizens as “Ghetto.” Essentially, “Ghetto children” are born to “Ghetto parents” and they will be separated from them for 25 hours a week to have “Danish values” instilled. This targets Africans and Muslims. Kind of reminds me of Canada’s residential schools. This does not sound like a country that would like Pulsen, Sisto and Jorgensen if they were not on the national lesser footy team.
Combine this with the fact hate crimes have dramatically increased in domestic lesser footy leagues, and I leave you with this taek:
Diaspora members should not be allowed to play for a colonizing country if the Colonizing country’s domestic politics is racist and xenophobic. The player can either play for his native country, or they can play for a ‘United Nations’ team. Think of it as a loose sanction against a team that could be fielding a better squad. Perhaps there might be more incentive to change. Either way, back when Big Rom was a teenager, whenever he struggled on the field, he’d be referred to as Congolese. Raheem Sterling still gets a ton of shit done to him by the “fans” and the English media. Neither country deserves them.
Litre_Cola : France v England final. Dele Alli gets a red and the French win and the country of England want him lynched.
I can make this very simple. If you were born in the country you play for them. Period. I give 0 fucks if you came over on the boat when you are 1 where you were born is where you play. My heritage is Scottish, I have a passport, should I be allowed to play on any Scottish team? No. While we are on this, if you play 1 solitary game for any national side, you are done. If you play the U17’s for 1 match for Azerbaijan and become a star by 20 and have English heritage, too bad for you enjoy carrying the Azeri team.
Hippo: #TeamChechnya makes its long-awaited appearance thanks to ultras-inspired chaos during Ruskies/Murder Checkerboards match. Which the Murder Checkerboards also win easily.