So, true story, I was joking around about how I’d draw the short straw and do the Cleveland Browns season preview and instead turn it into an AFL finals preview and before I knew it, I had actually been assigned the Browns!
That should teach me to keep my mouth shut.
Now, considering that Just Stop Dude is the only Commentist I can think of that admits to being a fan of the Browns, I feel I can tailor this preview strictly for him.
Dude, your team is going to suck.
Again.
In between dealing with stupid customers that don’t understand motors and electrical power, a sales department that makes promises you know are impossible to keep, and a HR group that is seemingly clueless about proper discipline and the hiring/firing process, I’m frankly surprised that you set aside any more of your precious time in your day for dealing with an additional set of assholes such as the Cleveland Browns.
And assholes they are.
This is the team that thought it was a good idea to bring back Hue Jackson, the man that Rikki Tikki Deadly has declared the worst coach in Raiders history and most likely NFL history.
From the Wikipedia page:
Jackson was fired by the Oakland Raiders on January 10, 2012, after one season as head coach, by new general manager Reggie McKenzie. In his lone season as head coach, the Raiders finished with a record of 8–8 and missed the playoffs after starting the season 7–4.
On January 13, 2016, Jackson was hired as head coach of the Cleveland Browns.[12] On December 18, 2016, Jackson became the first NFL coach since Rod Marinelli in 2008 to start a season 0–14. Jackson got his first win with the Browns in a 20–17 victory over the San Diego Chargers on December 24, 2016. The Browns finished the season with a 1–15 record, finishing last in the NFL. The Browns finished the 2017 season without a single win, making the Browns the second team in league history to finish with a 0–16 record.[13] His record as the Browns coach is 1-31.
Somewhere in the DFO archives is a long- forgotten post that RTD wrote that was meant to be published on January 31, 2017 declaring it Hue Jackson Day.
If you do the math on the italics above, you will see that Hue Jackson’s record as head coach is 2-35 after that, what now seems absurdly abnormal, 7-4 start.
It doesn’t matter that the Browns have drafted in the beginning of the draft for what seems like the entire century. (And, 18 years in, that’s saying something!)
The Browns will always fuck up what talent they have and will figure out a way to turn college winners into losers.
So, JSD, I ask you, if you were able to kick heroin, can’t you kick the Browns too?
I mean, seriously man, we’re all here for you. If you need a 12-step mentor or partner or buddy (I don’t know how that shit works), we can help.
Don’t waste your life, brother. We only have precious little time on this earth and we all deserve to be happy.
***
AFL Finals Preview
With three games left, there are realistically 10 teams with a shot at making the Eight. Here they are with their remaining schedule and their outlook for finals:
Richmond Tigers
The Run Home:
R21: Gold Coast @ Metricon Stadium
R22: Essendon @ MCG
R23: Western Bulldogs @ MCG
Outlook: The Tigers have the Double Chance and Home Field Advantage all locked up. It will take someone to beat them at the MCG for them not to repeat as Premiers.
West Coast Eagles
The Run Home:
R21: Port Adelaide @ Adelaide Oval
R22: Melbourne @ Optus Stadium
R23: Brisbane @ Gabba
Outlook: The Eagles have the second spot pretty much all wrapped up. They will enjoy the Double Chance and home-field advantage at their new fancy stadium.
Greater Western Sydney Giants
The Run Home:
R21: Adelaide @ UNSW Canberra Oval
R22: Sydney @ Spotless Stadium
R23: Melbourne @ MCG
Outlook: The Giants have their fate and the fate of other clubs in their hands. The remaining games are all against teams trying to squeeze into the Eight. The big question will be whether injuries will play a factor.
Melbourne Demons
The Run Home:
R21: Sydney @ MCG
R22: West Coast @ Optus Stadium
R23: Greater Western Sydney @ MCG
Outlook: Yes, I am an admitted Demons-hater, but look at that schedule! All three of those games are losable. I still don’t think the Demons have gotten over their late-season collapses and I say they fall out of the Eight.
Hawthorn Hawks
The Run Home:
R21: Geelong @ MCG
R22: St Kilda @ Etihad Stadium
R23: Sydney @ SCG
Outlook: The St. Kilda game is the marshmallow filling in the middle of a tough bread sandwich. The Cats and the Swans will not be easy beats. Beat one of them and you can count on playing finals.
Collingwood Magpies
The Run Home:
R21: Brisbane @ Etihad Stadium
R22: Port Adelaide @ MCG
R23: Fremantle @ Optus Stadium
Outlook: The schedule shapes up nicely for the Pies with three winnable games down the stretch. Win all three and the Pies are looking at a Top Four spot.
Port Adelaide Power
The Run Home:
R21: West Coast @ Adelaide Oval
R22: Collingwood @ MCG
R23: Essendon @ Adelaide Oval
Outlook: This schedule has Melbourne-like collapse written all over it. I would not be surprised if the Power drops all three and allow the Roos into the Eight. The last game will determine the fate of the Power.
Sydney Swans
The Run Home:
R21: Melbourne @ MCG
R22: Greater Western Sydney @ Spotless Stadium
R23: Hawthorn @ SCG
Outlook: It’s a tough tough road for the Swans. All three games are against teams currently in the Eight. If they can win them, they can win the Premiership.
Geelong Cats
The Run Home:
R21: Hawthorn @ MCG
R22: Fremantle @ GMHBA Stadium
R23: Gold Coast @ GMHBA Stadium
Outlook: The Cats have the easiest schedule of all the contending teams but must beat the Hawks at the MCG to have a reasonable chance of getting close to the Top Four. Lose against the Hawks and they’ll have to depend on the right combination of teams losing in the last two weeks just to get in the Eight.
North Melbourne Kangaroos
The Run Home:
R21: Western Bulldogs @ Marvel Stadium
R22: Adelaide Crows @ Adelaide Oval
R23: St. Kilda Saints @ Marvel Stadium
Outlook: The Roos do have a pretty easy schedule that should get easier if the Crows lose to the GWS Giants in Round 21. If they win all three, they’ll most likely be in the Eight.
Woooohooooo
With previews starting and drew doing the “why your team sucks” it means that football is almost here
None of us deserve to be happy!
Double-down!
Not only will CLE be in the playoff hunt come November, their commitment to standing for the Anthem will earn praise from one POTUS who will inevitably tweet about how the Browns have already made people forget about King WHO?
#ThePauls will go 10-6* this season.
*against the spread, if Hippo bets against them
SIGH
/not disagreeing
Holy moly. Here’s Cleveland’s record against the spread in the last few years:
2017: 4-12
2016: 3-12-1
2015: 5-10-1
That’s a total of 12-34-2 in three years.
If you saw that trend coming in advance you could probably have made enough money to retire by now.
Literally no one can with with the Browns because the ownership never recognizes how bad they are and they are too afraid of the fan base to make the hard decisions.
The Browns are such hot garbage that they should never even think of drafting in the first two rounds. Trade those picks for quantity over quality. Fire the cleaning and medical staff because the yearly staph infections that take out the fan favorites are getting fucking old as shit.
I’m to the point that I end up hate watching them. I really want to see how many losses Hue Jackson can rack up. For the first time in their fucking history, they decide to be loyal and show patience and they manage to do it at the worst fucking time possible.
It is so goddamn hard for them to go so long without a fucking playoff game. Its easier to go to 9 playoffs out of 10 seasons than it is to go 0-10 at playoff attempts.
I don’t see how anyone can look at this team and have any hope other than 2-14…if they are lucky.
Can’t wait to see what B.M. and the other quarterbacks trot out from the septic tank to put on the field.
Also, can’t have a Browns preview without the lowlights from last season.
♫ …here we go again… ♫
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYk5B33j1NI
Fuck Hue Jackson with this tennis-racket shaped electrified bugswatter I am currently using to swat at mosquitos, except it’s also hooked up to a car battery.
1 shock for every loss
I will watch 10-20x as many AFL games as Browns games this year.
My man!!
This is one of the greatest Previews/Interventions I’ve ever read. Concur in part. Browns won’t be sniffing the playoffs but they’ll be better.
They went 0-16, but six of their losses by one score. Also, they didn’t quit on Hue Jackson. That’s probably the reason why they gave him one last chance.
Also, if the Ravens and Bengals can’t move on from “Just Okay” and if the Steelers can’t replace the players that are aging or strip-clubbing, that could leave an opening for the Browns to sneak back into the Division race and make the AFC North Triple Threat into a Fatal Fourway in a few years.
Browns may sniff a wildcard this season, considering the talent of the North.
I mean, they won’t make the postseason but it’ll be nice to see Tyrod and Drew Stanton split 7 wins while the Big B.M. pitches an 0fer and CLE enters the offseason divided over going with Taylor or handing the keys to the Big B.M.
Are you on drugs?
I think that’s obvious. A better question is, which drugs are you on, and can I have some?
Blax is in Arizona, so if he’s got weed, it’s some dried out stems and seeds.
(Meth. He’s on meth.)
Hey! I got (::checks email string::) chronic pain? and am therefore buying that high-end prescription stuff.
Don’t jump to conclusions: it could either be drugs they are taking or drugs they should be taking.
It’s important that your Big B.M. is a Brown, otherwise you should consult your doctor and/or nutritionist.
-Andy Reid nervously plays with his phone, waiting for a chance to call his gastroenterologist.
I still stand by the fact the Browns should have gone defense both picks in the top 5 or picked the running back first and gone defense second. Both would have made the Browns an interesting and tough out this year.
Mayfield seems like Johnny Football 2.0
History will probably mock me for what I’m about to say, but aside from the height and being a hothead, I didn’t see a lot that Mayfield shares with Manziel. Mayfield was extremely accurate last season. Manziel threw a ton of jump balls and relied on his superior receivers to win the battle more often than not. I wasn’t surprised that his talents didn’t translate. I would be surprised if Mayfield sucks (only not really, because he’s on the Browns).
Can BM read
a playbook? Then he’s better than Johnny.