Look at me over here, chortling with joy. Man, this takes me back to high school and my first girlie friend. After a few sessions of furtive squeezing and such she said, “this shirt is so uncomfortable”. She got up, took off said shirt and then said, “should I take off my bra too?” and turned away from me. My throat went a bit dry and I mumbled, “yah”. My first peak at real boobs was about to happen-the anticipation of seeing real, soft, milky-white chest appendages was almost too much to endure.
Why do I mention this? Well, as a jaded adult in a world not of my own making there’s very little that cranks my propellers but the start of yet another football season will have to do. Certainly, there’s no real comparison between what 15 year-old me and old-ish, drink-sodden, somewhat functional yours truly was feeling but if I’m able to take you back to a time when breasts were nude and exciting, well, My work here is done. Btw, your mom’s boobs don’t count. Perv. You know what does count? Tonight’s tilt! TO THE GAME!
Falcons vs. Eagles:
You know the old saying, Birds of a feather will play football together? Philly is without Wentz, and wr’s Jeffery and Hollins but that d-line makes up for a lot of shortcomings. Fantasy-wise, you’ve got better options than Nick Foles but te Ertz and Ajayi should get you a few points. On t’udder side you’re starting Julio because you’re not stupid and he’s had 4 straight games against Atlanta with 100+ yards. You should grab De’vonta as well if you have him.* What say I wrap this up? I’m not going to tell anything to anyone that they didn’t already know.
*Minor Rant: Tevin Coleman has got to be one of the top 5 rb’s catching the ball out of the backfield and yet OC Sarkasian saw fit last year to give him 3 or more catches in only 6(!) of 17 games last year. This is Coleman’s last year as a Falcon and he is going to blow up with the team that brings him on board next year. Stupid rant over.
Well, it’s your time to get after it. Do it.
There is zero chance that game is as good as this commercial
Aww I miss Happy Endings
“Me too”-Rick Pitino.
Dan Quinn looks like a guy who would not let you borrow his leaf blower, cause he’s just a dick like that.
He doesn’t believe you know how to properly handle a small engine like that.
That was certainly 15 minutes of technically football
is this an ACC game?
It’s definitely not MACtion
Mayhap we see Ryan AND Foles pulled
THANK YOU for showing the fucking maths!
Is this a football game or a horse breeding video?
Foles hitting the ground everywhere.
That was good. Bravo.
Love me a good animal husbandry joke.
“Now here’s a percentage!”
This game sucks and I’m hongry. Gonna go make dinner. See ya’s after halftime.
With the overall erosion in O-Line effectiveness, how long do you think the period of “QB looks off his first read and gets decapitated” becomes the norm in the NFL before SOME college programs start figuring their shit out?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM35d979zy0
Not sure the one-legged Wentz would have much less mobility.
To be fair, Foles has three.
http://www.thedrawplay.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/2018-02-06-BigDickNick.png
THAT’S the Nick Foles we all knew, and no one loved.
’bout time he tripped over his own dick
So when does the preseason end this year?
The Green zone is at fault for all of this
WHERE WAS THIS FOLES IN FEBRUARY???
That’s some imaginative playcalling on 2nd and 17 right there.
BLEERGH making his presence felt tonight.
Our God will not be mocked!
PENALTIES FOR THE PENALTY THRONE!
3-0 would be an exciting game if the Thrashers were playing the Flyers.
“Who are the Thrashers?” -The city of Atlanta
Bobby Bowden’s tenth season at FSU!
Joe Paterno’s 65th at Penn State
And he didn’t see nothin
Looks like The Strongest Tard.
“Not my face. That’s the franchise. Goddamn it will somebody invent a fucking mask?”
NOT IN THE FACE
Holy shit my namesake is still in the league?
Gromit? Yeah, linebacker for the Bears.
Didn’t even know he got back from his grandma’s place upstate…
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Now we just need Foles to doink a 30-yard completion off a Falcon LB…
This Atlanta offense lemme tell ya I call them William Tecumseh Sherman because they burn through a ton of yards and break the souls of Southerners
I liked New Amsterdam! The Fox show. About the guy who was immortal.
Coming soon to NBC, DOCTORS WHO DON’T CARE ABOUT MONEY BUT ONLY CARE ABOUT DOCTORIN’
which self storage unit do they work out of?
15 year old Scotchnaut did a better job of sealing the deal during a scoring opportunity than the Falcons.
And the priest wasn’t half bad lookin’
shame 15 was just a wee bit too old ,, smgdh
Like fine sacrament.
chuh chuh
Hey, you pay for college your way and let Scotchy pay for it his way.
ppl forget current, elderly* Scotchnaut remembering 15 year old Scotchnaut is litrerally child po rn godbless
*:sorry
Finally, a TV show about a doctor who doesn’t play by the rules.
But is he a misunderstood genius!!?
Just how autistic are we talkin?
It’d be great if they did a show about a rebellious doctor who’s also an absolute moron.
I bet he and his colleagues have plenty of time and energy to fuck too!
you think those salmon sisters have a stinky box?
Sark is gonna be left in some casbah in Morocco for the rest of his days if Atlanta can’t figure their red zone shit out.
“We’re the salmon sisters!”
Maybe people wouldn’t call you that if you douched every so often.
Julio is going to go 96 catches for 1265 yards and 2 touchdowns.
8 fucking plays inside the 10: 3 points
“Things that unreasonably reject my insertions no matter how many times I try to jam it in”
“The ageless Matt Bryant, 43 years old….” is a thing Al just said.
Wow, Atlanta. Just, Wow.
Dumbass been lining up too close to neutral zone all game, figured that was gonna happen eventually.
QUESTIONABLE BLEERGH
I don’t know how far Atlanta needs to go. Can they make the field greener?
I hope the entire game us just the Falcons fucking up inside of the 10 and the Eagles failing to capitalize on it and punting to midfield.
*eyes turn obsidian black*
T H E R E I S N O C A T C H
There is only Zuul
Throw Batteries
especially not worth 3 yards NOW
New year, same question: What is catch?
Need to bring this back as a regular feature. https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2016/02/25/is-this-a-catch/
Back to not knowing how my favorite sport works. Huzzah!
Well, the judges give points based on how well the skaters dance together on the ice.
Do we know what specific drugs Lewis Carroll was on when he decided frabjous was a word?
Because I would like some of that. MAYBE.
I believe the word is “many.”
He was a morphine fan, laudanum in particular.
God bless that man.
good for him!
That Coke ad succeeded in making me hungry. If only I hadn’t already reheated and eaten that leftover Western bacon cheeseburger.
I’m sure there are other Western bacon cheeseburgers that deserve your attention.
I have to go to Costco soon so I’ll get a chicken bake.
Or maybe a whole chicken.
Four fried chickens and a Coke.
I recommend an entire rotisserie chicken and a six pack. All you need is a roll of paper towels and no shame.
CHICKEN FUCKING BAKE
5 minutes to go in the 1st at 9:30 pm. Ugh.
NFL primetime baby!
snort a line and all is fine!
Round One of 3492855469870365018985 of this season’s “Is it a Catch?”
Hot Taek!
Challenge flag should become a challenge bean bag…and the coach has to hit a target hole…like a corn hole board.
Cosign!