Gawd! The hairs on my back are standing at attention! They’re nothing like my ‘cut and run’ nipples, I’ll tell you. I just can’t count on them anymore-well, not past three anyway. It’s the Jizziants vs. the Cowfolk for all the glory. What do these teams have in common? They both think that if they get out of this game with a 1-1 record there’s a clear path to a wild card spot. Shall we pretend to break this game down to all its individual parts and come up with a reasoned argument as to which team will come out with the W? Let’s! TO THE GAME!
Giants/Dallas:
For about 6 or so years in a row the NFL sked-makers have thrown this one up the first week of the year. Major curveball this year-it’s the 2nd week of the season. What a difference seven days makes! I can’t get too angry about the Giants loss last week to a Jags team that seems likely to steamroll themselves right back to the AFC Championship Game. They exposed New York for what it is-a generally upgraded team that still has some worrisome issues. [gives Flowers the stink-eye] Hopefully mistakes will decrease as the year goes on and te Engram has successful Cris Carter hand-transplant surgery. Negotiations are still on-going. The shine has really come off the Dakster hasn’t it? He’s thrown for under 200 yards in 8 of his last 11 games and is far from the difference-maker he seemed to be when he first arrived on the scene. If only coaches didn’t have game film to watch! Darn it all. Dallas fans are warming up the bus and their throwing arms in anticipation of the inevitable.
I’m tired of typing. It’s your turn.
Alright. Much like Ray Rice, I’m punching out. See you all here for MNF?
Later, Taters!
Go Bears!
(They’re going to break our hearts again)
If the Bears can break your heart…
….it isn’t filled with enough gravy?
My Bears fan heart has been black and cold for a while and that Satan Pact Making Aaron Rodgers reminded me last week why it’s dead.
No wonder LT did all that coke and (presumably all those) hookers. THese Giants is BOOOORing.
the nice thing about getting cider drunk (FUCK YOU, who am I trying to be manly for) is that is belches rather pleasant.
Old school, huzzah!
6.9%, nice
I’ve had that. Super dry. If I’m drinking Cider, that’s kind of what I look for, but I think the BA guys hate it.
Hey man, booze is booze
But what color is the first morning piss? That sez a lot about various libations. Proven fact, unlike an unproven fact. Why am I rambling?
kind of amber, darker than one might expect
That’s not always a good thing.
As good as a 7-Up & Three Musketeers belch?
ETA: one must consume the 3Musketeers first for best effect
oh wow, that’s quality
You know what’d be fun? Throwing a pass to Odell, and drawing up a run for Saquon. Not another screen on 3rd and 34. A fucking run. Do it on 1st down if you like. Really mix things up.
That’s the face Eli made when he found out santa isn’t real.
Wait, whut’s this about Santa now?
Ohhh That Manningface HAS to be gifed!
Oh god yes. I’m LMFAO’ing right now.
That’s some tasty Manningface
Classic “It’s full of stars” expression.
It’s a measure of how pansy teams have been that I find this play super bold
oh, now you just fishin’ for likes!!
**SPOILER ALERT!*** She dies in Breaking Bad.
Yeah she does.
and it’s GLORIOUS
Don’t make me post Jane’s death scene again!!!!!!
But yeah, we like her.
I know that audible isn’t ‘PAR-TY’ but I’m pretending it is
Zeke is kind of festively plump, ain’t he?
Mmm tacos. I really hope his dates make horrible sour cream jokes
Taco time!
Dallas just needs a kicker named Bobby Cilantro and we’ll be all set.
Any time is taco time!
Any Browns fans around? I’m looking to hire a Sherpa who will guide me through a historic bad season. You can put Hippo’s stash on 0-16. This is a like, fire the GM and maybe even the first-year HC kind of bad for ARI.
this is deffo my Survivor strategy, go with who is playing BUF/AZ going forward
Yeah, Amazon shouldn’t be proud of their football stats
did FB require you to swear a blood oath against Amazon? Who else??
Eh, all machine learning models are mostly shit. It’s what happens when you let engineers try doing math
ach!!!!
But they haven’t had anybody quit at halftime yet, so better than the Billz at least.
TV timeout with 8 seconds in the quarter?? FUCK YOU, 5 minutes of baseball it is
Not the most intimidating Haka I’ve seen, but I can’t stop watching…
Awesome. my Samoan brother-in-law salutes you
are you intimating there are circumstances under which you can trust a big butt and a smire?
Trust, but verify.
She seems….friendly.
Holy Fuckballz, the Orioles won today. THAT’S 43 WINS DAMMIT!!!!
Which would be impressive if it were still May or early June.
It’s not.
Told you they were coming on
LOL
And the 1962 Mets pop another bottle of turpentine.
For therecord, i am keeping track of your eat your underpants bet
You’re good people
So I guess that “Blacklist” spinoff didn’t work out, huh?
Eli just wants to play on his Switch.
Does Olivia let him play Super Smash Bros?
Beats playing Adrian Peterson’s switch.
Get outta my head weaselo!
stupid Gigantes. Don’t make me watch baseball and/or pass out.
I still have commercials! Am I missing shitty enough football that I should be happy?
you’ve missed NUH-shing!
I didnt get banner for my Cam head hit post?
And I didn’t get head for my hit banner post. Deal with it.
as related to both, complaining will get you a week in the barrel, if u noe wut I mean
I still dont know how fronkensteen comparing Aaron Rodgers to a chick at bonoroo didnt make it.
I was legit hunched over laughing
If it’s too funny it will only demoralize the rest of the troops.
That’s a painful looking wedgie
Too much ink and also looks a little stabby.
(tWBS learnt he lesson)
She denies everything and does a really hammy dance, so it’s okay!
little salt and pepper in the beard, presume that’s ok with the ladies, given that he’s still all cut and shit?
/am old and nae cut
Very much so.
That’s fine, but nawt quite sure what the pillow situation is, and smoking in bed is a nono
Looks like a neck cramp and mattress fire in the making.
Think anyone will retire at halftime?
Viewers
Double J?????????? PLEASE!
Me
I’m still keeping Sean Lee on my dead pool, just like every year.
I picked Tony Sparano, and now I feel kinda bad about that.
I thought he was ded.
good drive.
– Cam Newton after rolling an SUV
Who has two thumbs, is gonna be 2-0 in league, but also will easily have the lowest pt total of just about everyone?
Meh, fuck it. I’m still 2-0.
Bill Maher is self-importantly kicking FGs??
I’d gladly take the roughing the kicker penalty to knock him on his ass.
All the way from the REDBLACKS to JerryWorld, indeed!
Most surprising is that he was dead center on the matter.
Fine with Gigantes sucking, even fine with Dallas not being awful, but Zeke can fall in a wood chipper and I would give the smile and nod
DAK UP!
DAK! has his bollocks back
Can’t wait to watch 40 bubble screens to Saquon that go nowhere for the rest of the night.
Elisha likes bubble screens because Mommy said he could go use one of his favorite toys at the end of the game.
Couldn’t be happier that they decided to forget about addressing the QB of the future or shoring up their D, to take a RB with the #2 pick. Clearly this is a win now team.
Shurmur wants to wait and draft his shitty kid. You heard it on DFO FIRST!
It’s tricky tricky tricky!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-O5IHVhWj0
Every time Zeke is tackled and not killed is a waste
my tattered fantasy hopes nod in approval
Enough with the sugarcoating!
I like the way you think Dok!
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga are remaking A Star is Born? Is there a reason for this?
Cooper wants an Oscar
Aw fuck, is he gonna launch his own Leo DiCaprio-esque campaign of overwrought blockbuster drama nonsense? Because I don’t think I can deal with that crap again.
“No CGI bestiality involved? No chance, Bradley.” -Leo
Have you met any ppl lately??
Easier to do a remake than come up with an original idea?
Weezer remade “Africa” for the same reason.
Because the original sucked too.
They did. I was very sad.
I LOVED the Weezer Afrika remake. Twas fire, man.
C’mon man it wasn’t even done ironically!
Plus the singer’s upper register was way soft.
Give it to Zeke
Nice hats.
LEARN MATHS, Gigantes coach
Why did you draft Barkely if you’re going to punt here?
/scribbles Game Over in notebook
//closes notebook
///starts drinking again
You’re smart. I’m going to watch this game and walk away angry.
Forty inch thighs? Jeebus, I want to meet his tailor, for that man MUST be a wizard.
Right? Cause damn sure his waist is less
40 inch thighs? You have Andy Reid’s attention.
KFC be all jelly n junk.
Pat Shurmur thinks warm milk is too spicy.
Joe Flacco is aghast at this thought. All his life is now being brought into question.
Blake Bortles…BLAKE BORTLES!!! ended the day with a higher QB rating and a win over Tom Brady. Apparently anything can happen today.
he really ain’t half bad when they move the pocket
When Erick Flowers says he’s “All about the U” I keep hoping the U stands for “Unemployment”
it certainly ain;t the blocking
I’m 5’9″, 180 lbs. and I’m sure I’d still get penalized less than Ereck Flowers.
And give up fewer sacks!
If OBJ could get tossed from this that would be great.
Taking bets on how long before I walk downstairs and see how crappy what passes for a bar at this Courtyard by Marriott is
have you ever tried your hand at lounge singer? I think you have it in ya!
The few I’ve been to lately don’t have lounges anymore. I do not support this trend.
Well the Mariott group is a part of Fairmont noe sooook it will be crappy but they will have a nice Mondavi White zinfandel.