Gawd! The hairs on my back are standing at attention! They’re nothing like my ‘cut and run’ nipples, I’ll tell you. I just can’t count on them anymore-well, not past three anyway. It’s the Jizziants vs. the Cowfolk for all the glory. What do these teams have in common? They both think that if they get out of this game with a 1-1 record there’s a clear path to a wild card spot. Shall we pretend to break this game down to all its individual parts and come up with a reasoned argument as to which team will come out with the W? Let’s! TO THE GAME!
Giants/Dallas:
For about 6 or so years in a row the NFL sked-makers have thrown this one up the first week of the year. Major curveball this year-it’s the 2nd week of the season. What a difference seven days makes! I can’t get too angry about the Giants loss last week to a Jags team that seems likely to steamroll themselves right back to the AFC Championship Game. They exposed New York for what it is-a generally upgraded team that still has some worrisome issues. [gives Flowers the stink-eye] Hopefully mistakes will decrease as the year goes on and te Engram has successful Cris Carter hand-transplant surgery. Negotiations are still on-going. The shine has really come off the Dakster hasn’t it? He’s thrown for under 200 yards in 8 of his last 11 games and is far from the difference-maker he seemed to be when he first arrived on the scene. If only coaches didn’t have game film to watch! Darn it all. Dallas fans are warming up the bus and their throwing arms in anticipation of the inevitable.
I’m tired of typing. It’s your turn.
Alright. Much like Ray Rice, I’m punching out. See you all here for MNF?
Later, Taters!
Go Bears!
(They’re going to break our hearts again)
If the Bears can break your heart…
….it isn’t filled with enough gravy?
My Bears fan heart has been black and cold for a while and that Satan Pact Making Aaron Rodgers reminded me last week why it’s dead.
Why do I think that if she turned around it would be a young sarah huckabee sanders?
Aaaaaannnnnd there’s my nightmare fuel for tonight. Thanks, Dok!
OK, you need a paddling for that one.
https://images.spot.im/v1/production/k6go5352vu1typxjxwlk
Dig the vintage shades
When I was trying to remember what the night game was tonight and finally realized it was Giants-Cowboys, I audibly groaned because I hate the fact this goddamned game is always in primetime.
I really need a Zeke TD.
Just call your dealer.
Well she is just dandy.
They’ll never get that carpet clean though.
Is she sitting like that on purpose, or just really bad hip flexibility?
Makes me want to watch The Warriors. The book is super fucked up tho
That jacket is probably unspeakably filthy by now.
So, when you’re very agitated, and also a little drunk, and your neighbor fires up his really loud gasoline powered generator (and he also happens to be a cop, but fuck him because he’s a dumbass)….well, here’s what you do…
Me: Hey dumbass!!!!! You do realize that the electricity is actually on right now right? Turn that shit off.
Him: Hey, shut up!!!!
Me: No, you shut up!!!!!
See? Diplomacy always wins. He turned it off.
Congrats on getting the cop to eat shit.
tWBS: “Eat shit, Dumbass Cop!”
(notices burglers stealing his TV)
tWBS: “Save me, Dumbass Cop!”
He couldn’t find his service revolver with both hands.
Fuck him.
A couple weeks ago I figured out that the ass with the loud car who always drives away from the parking space outside my bedroom at 330 am isn’t driving a hoopty, but a new Chevy muscle car with a cajiggered muffler. I’m gonna potato that exhaust and water that gas tank one of these days
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_1OVYsLqMU
Sahale nuts are by far the best nuts to lick
“Sahale nuts-we shave daily.”
Bill Murray’s “It Just Doesn’t Matter!” speech from Meatballs comes to mind for some reason.
His name isn’t really snacks, right?
One of the real-life Rex Ryan nicknames!
So, if Eli refuses to go out there and not get protected by the turnstiles in front of him, who is the Jints back–up QB?
You?
I have PTSD, nawt CTE (probably a little CTE too, truth be told), so, uh, NO!
Depth chart says Alex Tanney a thirty-something journeyman.
Namesake mention! Time to order another beer.
get one for me too, I is out
Nah, I think they’s getting beat physically plenty!
that’s sooooo Elisha!
Haha, man it’s so easy to laugh at Eli, even when the cowboys benefit
TACO!
Does Shurmur know you’re allowed to hand the ball off to Saquon?
Apparently not.
Haldo.
How do Pat Mahomes’ ass taste? 😀
Yo
Usually not a fan of blonds, but I can make an exception
@Wakezilla, lemon jello, andTWHS, her name is cassie brown, ig model
this’un is TRUE ART
Dirty feet – 2/10. Would not beg for more than 30 min.
Okay rex, go back to your pile of cold cuts
How is her last year of high school going?
I noticed as I creeped closer to mid-thirties that I stopped seeing the 18-22ish types in any sexual way. Now I just make Chris Hanson jokes.
Got a half bottle of Mondavi Chardonnay and some Sahale cashews, to the room, assuming I just paid $40 or similar
I’ve made worse investments.
Hey! The end of Rocky III is on. I just love the fact that of all the Rocky opponents, Mr. T of all of them is the one that is essentially outclassed after Rocky got his head together.
I just love how the first fight happened in the movie. “May managaher is dying.” “Oh, no. Well good luck in the fight!” Even 8 year old me when I first saw it was like, “Why is he fighting without his coach?”
Clubber Lang loses.
Oh shit sorry, SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!
But all he throws is full power right crosses. He should win!
Sly really committed to that fucking cry though
Miiiiiiick!!!!!!!!! Nooooooo!!!!!!!
Oh, yeah. The speech seizure. In Rocky III, Stallone was still trying his best.
In IV in phoned it in at moments. V was so mailed in, they could’ve replaced Rocky with a FedEx box.
Rocky 5 was so bad it gave the co-star AIDS
Banner worthy or at least nominee.
The rare time the remake of a movie was better than the original!
/Creed is a good version of Rocky V
I’ve yet to watch, but I’ve heard good things. Should I seek it out?
Yes. It is pretty good.
Also, I’d check out “Rocky Balboa”. Its almost like a sequel to Rocky I.
Oh yeah. I liked Rocky Balboa. Of course, the speech was used before every Eagles’ playoff game since, so it would be hard to avoid. Which begs the question, what the fuck happened to Peter Petrelli’s career?
He’s the dad on This Is Us.
So I’ll never have to worry about seeing him, then
all Rocky films after the original are goddamned awful
Okay.
I – Great!
II – Pretty good.
III – Good. Starts to become a franchise.
IV – Fun movie, but at this point the character become Rambo with boxing gloves.
V – Bad. Bad. Bad. Tried to return to the tone of the first movie but after III and IV it was too jarring. Also, Stallone didn’t give a shit.
Balboa – Rocky V: Attempt 2. Its what Rocky V should’ve been.
Creed – Excellent movie. Its like a 21st Century version of Rocky I.
My fav Rocky thing is the unrealistic jogging route where all the kids follow him for some reason
In that part of Philly, they’re going for the wallet. That’s why he kicks it into high gear.
You mean those Rocky and those kids didn’t run 30 miles in about an hour?
https://www.phillymag.com/news/2013/09/18/rocky-training-run-rocky-ii/
Rocky III? So the one where Middle America gets to stand up to defeat the evil the poor black class?
Actually it was a Rich White Person and a Rich Black Person working together to take down a Poor Black Person.
So the races may cancel out but yeah, the class warfare remains.
“No war but class war” – Mr. T
Can’t believe that Green Bay game. At least it was watchable.
Today’s non-political ad popping on my Facebook: Nick Mangold making cheeseburgers. Using a smoker and a blowtorch. I want at least two of those things.
So, Mangold and Facebook?
I meant the cheeseburger and the blowtorch. Though I just had a pork chop.
The smoker’s third. Smoked ghost peppers? Oh, people gon HURT.
I’m actually pretty well versed in smokers.
If you want convenience go electric, if you want power go propane
Yep
I make these jokes all day
Friend of mine does smoked reapers, y’all should probably know each other
…Is she single by any chance?
sleepers should NAWT fear her
Coastal elitism should be scorned because it’s toxic and unjustified EXCEPT for the west coast’s football viewing times which are objectively the best.
Any and all sports view is best on Pacific Time
NAWT Premiership
Far too many 2:50 am AFL matches … mate.
Counterpoint, the only places between the coasts that don’t suck are gulf coast
Sorry, TV, but it’s going to take more than a “doctor with a heart of gold” montage to get me to trust Tom Keen.
Well, that was a mediocre ending to the day of fitbaw but it was well spent with all of you. What’s that? There’s still another half to go? Seriously?
Welp. Shit.
Started out strong, but ran out of steam very quickly. I can relate unfortunately.
Folks, Pliny the Elder is very good. California does beer well.
Sounds too much like a Lord of the Rings character.
It’s worse than that: it’s an IPA.
Had to read it twice. Thought is was some sort of “Pinky and the Brain” reboot
It is quite delightful. Ask Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy about Pliny the Younger as he has experience with the small batch release.
Zombie Dust remains the best pale/IPA I’ve ever had but this is comparable.
Imagine someone unfamiliar with DFO or craft beer dissecting that post…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkAQLLbJbDw
Okay, fuck the last shitty minute of this half, imma go downstairs and maybe buy some horrible alcohol!
I’m sure there’s a nice box of wine with your name on it.
3-nil #BFIB WOO!!!!!!!!
So I took the sentiment of “you don’t have to go” from one of the “Why Your Team Sucks” articles and applied it to my own life. Instead of watching the Raiders game I went to the movies with my wife and saw Crazy Rich Asians. It was fine, and I feel a lot better now than I would have if I’d watched the game.
Aw, but why? Why would you do that to yourself?
You are happy you didnt witness that shit RTD.
Were they crazy?
Were they rich?
Were they Asians?
Good gawd. What’s her name?
Friends call her “Flossie,” I believe.
The future ex Mrs tWBS.
Warning! You still have to watch two more minutes before this game is half over
Why am I being punished like that.
You know why.
But I was the only one there for it.
God was there too. He saw what you did!
/He may or may not have been masturbating
God or me?
YES
Uh, Hippo? I think your confusing God with that homeless man with the long hair and beard that lives in the alley. Again.
What if God was one of us?
indeed, this is sommet I do
Preemptive “yes”
That bra is a lie
ah mean, ah have taken a particle dynamics class and share Dok’s skepticism. Don’t see how one can properly draw a free body diagram ,, smh.
Yep – she padded. (Good thing those straps are where they are, or she might bounce out of it.)
/also let me rant THERE IS NO REASON TO EVER WEAR A PADDED BRA AS THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SMALL BOOBS
not a good series
you could just focus on not cocking up, and take a nice 10-nil or 13-nil win
Well it is NBC.
So Josh Gordon is going to Dallas and get the Josh Hamilton treatment (full-time accountabilabuddy).
That is sad making, both because I don’t trust em to do good by Gordon, and because Gordon might do some goods for em
Good point. I forgot about the 90s Cowboys.
He’ll have 23 receptions in the 1st but will ultimately lose at the end?
I have less vert than pretty much any NFL player
Only time I did was when I accidentally sat on one of my balls. It can happen after a certain age.
gravity is indeed a bitch
I don’t think I can accidentally sit on an ovary, so I’m likely earthbound. Okay with that
would make fer a pretty good story if’n ya did!
That’s okay, I run slower than pretty much any NFL player, and I’m not even all that slow.
Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a tremendous slouch.
Back when I was in Marching Band and my legs were all muscle due to walking a Half Marathon three times a week during practice, I was able to actually have a decent vertical jump. Years later, I tried it at work. I don’t think my feet left the ground.
In high school, I was able to dunk. Now I’m lucky to get air borne
Serious-illness…electric guitar riff?
keytars FOAR cancer!
So what did I miss in the Nightcap?
DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK!
Rookie…
Pat Shurmur could bore people enough to get them to leave a party with free cocaine and Victoria Secret models on the hunt for a rebound bang.
need more Zeke handoffs
fuck yo’ face
Waiting till halftime to go down and buy more wine, as I am inexplicably afraid I might miss something
What can you get at a Marriott?
If it’s anything better than an overpriced plastic Gallo mini I’ll let you know
find a rambling homeless man. He will noe wut two do!
The only thing you’ll be missing is time that you could have been drinking
Yes, I’m an asshole and pervert. But this still made me laugh.
I am debating between pizza and ice cream/MOAR cider
D: All the above.
Can you do a cider float?
Ewwwwwww.
MAYBE. I only eat mint chocolate chip, though. Might get WEIRD.
It’s like rewinding a movie you’ve already seen two times. Just something we do.