Your “Someone’s Going Home 0-2” Sunday Night Football Open Thread

Gawd! The hairs on my back are standing at attention! They’re nothing like my ‘cut and run’ nipples, I’ll tell you. I just can’t count on them anymore-well, not past three anyway. It’s the Jizziants vs. the Cowfolk for all the glory. What do these teams have in common? They both think that if they get out of this game with a 1-1 record there’s a clear path to a wild card spot. Shall we pretend to break this game down to all its individual parts and come up with a reasoned argument as to which team will come out with the W? Let’s! TO THE GAME!

Giants/Dallas:

For about 6 or so years in a row the NFL sked-makers have thrown this one up the first week of the year. Major curveball this year-it’s the 2nd week of the season. What a difference seven days makes! I can’t get too angry about the Giants loss last week to a Jags team that seems likely to steamroll themselves right back to the AFC Championship Game. They exposed New York for what it is-a generally upgraded team that still has some worrisome issues. [gives Flowers the stink-eye] Hopefully mistakes will decrease as the year goes on and te Engram has successful Cris Carter hand-transplant surgery. Negotiations are still on-going. The shine has really come off the Dakster hasn’t it? He’s thrown for under 200 yards in 8 of his last 11 games and is far from the difference-maker he seemed to be when he first arrived on the scene. If only coaches didn’t have game film to watch! Darn it all. Dallas fans are warming up the bus and their throwing arms in anticipation of the inevitable.

I’m tired of typing. It’s your turn.

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LemonJello

Alright. Much like Ray Rice, I’m punching out. See you all here for MNF?

Later, Taters!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Go Bears!

(They’re going to break our hearts again)

Doktor Zymm

If the Bears can break your heart…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

….it isn’t filled with enough gravy?

...

My Bears fan heart has been black and cold for a while and that Satan Pact Making Aaron Rodgers reminded me last week why it’s dead.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Why do I think that if she turned around it would be a young sarah huckabee sanders?

LemonJello

Aaaaaannnnnd there’s my nightmare fuel for tonight. Thanks, Dok!

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, you need a paddling for that one.

Brick Meathook
Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Dig the vintage shades

...

When I was trying to remember what the night game was tonight and finally realized it was Giants-Cowboys, I audibly groaned because I hate the fact this goddamned game is always in primetime.

Spur

I really need a Zeke TD.

Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Well she is just dandy.

Romonobyl

They’ll never get that carpet clean though.

Doktor Zymm

Is she sitting like that on purpose, or just really bad hip flexibility?

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Makes me want to watch The Warriors. The book is super fucked up tho

Petronel

That jacket is probably unspeakably filthy by now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So, when you’re very agitated, and also a little drunk, and your neighbor fires up his really loud gasoline powered generator (and he also happens to be a cop, but fuck him because he’s a dumbass)….well, here’s what you do…

Me: Hey dumbass!!!!! You do realize that the electricity is actually on right now right? Turn that shit off.
Him: Hey, shut up!!!!
Me: No, you shut up!!!!!

See? Diplomacy always wins. He turned it off.

...

Congrats on getting the cop to eat shit.

Redshirt

tWBS: “Eat shit, Dumbass Cop!”

(notices burglers stealing his TV)

tWBS: “Save me, Dumbass Cop!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

He couldn’t find his service revolver with both hands.
Fuck him.

Doktor Zymm

A couple weeks ago I figured out that the ass with the loud car who always drives away from the parking space outside my bedroom at 330 am isn’t driving a hoopty, but a new Chevy muscle car with a cajiggered muffler. I’m gonna potato that exhaust and water that gas tank one of these days

Doktor Zymm

Sahale nuts are by far the best nuts to lick

Doktor Zymm

His name isn’t really snacks, right?

Senor Weaselo

One of the real-life Rex Ryan nicknames!

LemonJello

So, if Eli refuses to go out there and not get protected by the turnstiles in front of him, who is the Jints back–up QB?

Sharkbait

You?

LemonJello

I have PTSD, nawt CTE (probably a little CTE too, truth be told), so, uh, NO!

Spanky Datass

Depth chart says Alex Tanney a thirty-something journeyman.

...

Namesake mention! Time to order another beer.

King Hippo

get one for me too, I is out

King Hippo

Nah, I think they’s getting beat physically plenty!

King Hippo

that’s sooooo Elisha!

Doktor Zymm

Haha, man it’s so easy to laugh at Eli, even when the cowboys benefit

Spur

TACO!

Brocky

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Ian Scott McCormick

Does Shurmur know you’re allowed to hand the ball off to Saquon?

Sharkbait

Apparently not.

WCS

Haldo.

King Hippo

How do Pat Mahomes’ ass taste? 😀

Doktor Zymm

Yo

Spur

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Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Usually not a fan of blonds, but I can make an exception

Brocky

, lemon jello, andTWHS, her name is cassie brown, ig model
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King Hippo

this’un is TRUE ART

Romonobyl

Dirty feet – 2/10. Would not beg for more than 30 min.

Brocky

Okay rex, go back to your pile of cold cuts

Mr. Ayo

How is her last year of high school going?

Gratliff

I noticed as I creeped closer to mid-thirties that I stopped seeing the 18-22ish types in any sexual way. Now I just make Chris Hanson jokes.

Doktor Zymm

Got a half bottle of Mondavi Chardonnay and some Sahale cashews, to the room, assuming I just paid $40 or similar

Romonobyl

I’ve made worse investments.

Redshirt

Hey! The end of Rocky III is on. I just love the fact that of all the Rocky opponents, Mr. T of all of them is the one that is essentially outclassed after Rocky got his head together.

I just love how the first fight happened in the movie. “May managaher is dying.” “Oh, no. Well good luck in the fight!” Even 8 year old me when I first saw it was like, “Why is he fighting without his coach?”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Clubber Lang loses.
Oh shit sorry, SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!

Redshirt

But all he throws is full power right crosses. He should win!

Gratliff

Sly really committed to that fucking cry though

theeWeeBabySeamus

Miiiiiiick!!!!!!!!! Nooooooo!!!!!!!

Redshirt

Oh, yeah. The speech seizure. In Rocky III, Stallone was still trying his best.

In IV in phoned it in at moments. V was so mailed in, they could’ve replaced Rocky with a FedEx box.

Gratliff

Rocky 5 was so bad it gave the co-star AIDS

Redshirt

Banner worthy or at least nominee.

Senor Weaselo

The rare time the remake of a movie was better than the original!
/Creed is a good version of Rocky V

Gratliff

I’ve yet to watch, but I’ve heard good things. Should I seek it out?

Redshirt

Yes. It is pretty good.

Also, I’d check out “Rocky Balboa”. Its almost like a sequel to Rocky I.

Gratliff

Oh yeah. I liked Rocky Balboa. Of course, the speech was used before every Eagles’ playoff game since, so it would be hard to avoid. Which begs the question, what the fuck happened to Peter Petrelli’s career?

Senor Weaselo

He’s the dad on This Is Us.

Gratliff

So I’ll never have to worry about seeing him, then

King Hippo

all Rocky films after the original are goddamned awful

Redshirt

Okay.

I – Great!
II – Pretty good.
III – Good. Starts to become a franchise.
IV – Fun movie, but at this point the character become Rambo with boxing gloves.
V – Bad. Bad. Bad. Tried to return to the tone of the first movie but after III and IV it was too jarring. Also, Stallone didn’t give a shit.
Balboa – Rocky V: Attempt 2. Its what Rocky V should’ve been.
Creed – Excellent movie. Its like a 21st Century version of Rocky I.

Doktor Zymm

My fav Rocky thing is the unrealistic jogging route where all the kids follow him for some reason

Gratliff

In that part of Philly, they’re going for the wallet. That’s why he kicks it into high gear.

Redshirt

You mean those Rocky and those kids didn’t run 30 miles in about an hour?

https://www.phillymag.com/news/2013/09/18/rocky-training-run-rocky-ii/

Wakezilla

Rocky III? So the one where Middle America gets to stand up to defeat the evil the poor black class?

Redshirt

Actually it was a Rich White Person and a Rich Black Person working together to take down a Poor Black Person.

So the races may cancel out but yeah, the class warfare remains.

Gratliff

“No war but class war” – Mr. T

Romonobyl

Can’t believe that Green Bay game. At least it was watchable.

Senor Weaselo

Today’s non-political ad popping on my Facebook: Nick Mangold making cheeseburgers. Using a smoker and a blowtorch. I want at least two of those things.

Mr. Ayo

So, Mangold and Facebook?

Senor Weaselo

I meant the cheeseburger and the blowtorch. Though I just had a pork chop.

The smoker’s third. Smoked ghost peppers? Oh, people gon HURT.

Brocky

I’m actually pretty well versed in smokers.

If you want convenience go electric, if you want power go propane

Mr. Ayo

Yep
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Brocky

I make these jokes all day

Doktor Zymm

Friend of mine does smoked reapers, y’all should probably know each other

Senor Weaselo

…Is she single by any chance?

King Hippo

sleepers should NAWT fear her

...

Coastal elitism should be scorned because it’s toxic and unjustified EXCEPT for the west coast’s football viewing times which are objectively the best.

Sharkbait

Any and all sports view is best on Pacific Time

King Hippo

NAWT Premiership

Spanky Datass

Far too many 2:50 am AFL matches … mate.

Doktor Zymm

Counterpoint, the only places between the coasts that don’t suck are gulf coast

Petronel

Sorry, TV, but it’s going to take more than a “doctor with a heart of gold” montage to get me to trust Tom Keen.

LemonJello

Well, that was a mediocre ending to the day of fitbaw but it was well spent with all of you. What’s that? There’s still another half to go? Seriously?

Welp. Shit.
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Romonobyl

Started out strong, but ran out of steam very quickly. I can relate unfortunately.

Spur

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Spur

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Folks, Pliny the Elder is very good. California does beer well.

Romonobyl

Sounds too much like a Lord of the Rings character.

...

It’s worse than that: it’s an IPA.

Game Time Decision

Had to read it twice. Thought is was some sort of “Pinky and the Brain” reboot

yeah right

It is quite delightful. Ask Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy about Pliny the Younger as he has experience with the small batch release.

...

Zombie Dust remains the best pale/IPA I’ve ever had but this is comparable.

Romonobyl

Imagine someone unfamiliar with DFO or craft beer dissecting that post…

Doktor Zymm

Okay, fuck the last shitty minute of this half, imma go downstairs and maybe buy some horrible alcohol!

Romonobyl

I’m sure there’s a nice box of wine with your name on it.

King Hippo

3-nil #BFIB WOO!!!!!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I took the sentiment of “you don’t have to go” from one of the “Why Your Team Sucks” articles and applied it to my own life. Instead of watching the Raiders game I went to the movies with my wife and saw Crazy Rich Asians. It was fine, and I feel a lot better now than I would have if I’d watched the game.

Redshirt

Aw, but why? Why would you do that to yourself?

litre_cola

You are happy you didnt witness that shit RTD.

Brick Meathook

Were they crazy?
Were they rich?
Were they Asians?

Brocky

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Wakezilla

Good gawd. What’s her name?

LemonJello

Friends call her “Flossie,” I believe.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The future ex Mrs tWBS.

Doktor Zymm

Warning! You still have to watch two more minutes before this game is half over

Game Time Decision

Why am I being punished like that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You know why.

Game Time Decision

But I was the only one there for it.

Redshirt

God was there too. He saw what you did!

King Hippo

/He may or may not have been masturbating

Game Time Decision

God or me?

King Hippo

YES

Redshirt

Uh, Hippo? I think your confusing God with that homeless man with the long hair and beard that lives in the alley. Again.

Senor Weaselo

What if God was one of us?

King Hippo

indeed, this is sommet I do

Game Time Decision

Preemptive “yes”

Romonobyl

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Spur

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Doktor Zymm

That bra is a lie

King Hippo

ah mean, ah have taken a particle dynamics class and share Dok’s skepticism. Don’t see how one can properly draw a free body diagram ,, smh.

Petronel

Yep – she padded. (Good thing those straps are where they are, or she might bounce out of it.)

King Hippo

/also let me rant THERE IS NO REASON TO EVER WEAR A PADDED BRA AS THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SMALL BOOBS

Romonobyl

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Spur

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Spur

not a good series

King Hippo

you could just focus on not cocking up, and take a nice 10-nil or 13-nil win

Redshirt

Well it is NBC.

Redshirt

So Josh Gordon is going to Dallas and get the Josh Hamilton treatment (full-time accountabilabuddy).

Doktor Zymm

That is sad making, both because I don’t trust em to do good by Gordon, and because Gordon might do some goods for em

Redshirt

Good point. I forgot about the 90s Cowboys.

Senor Weaselo

He’ll have 23 receptions in the 1st but will ultimately lose at the end?

Doktor Zymm

I have less vert than pretty much any NFL player

Romonobyl

Only time I did was when I accidentally sat on one of my balls. It can happen after a certain age.

King Hippo

gravity is indeed a bitch

Doktor Zymm

I don’t think I can accidentally sit on an ovary, so I’m likely earthbound. Okay with that

King Hippo

would make fer a pretty good story if’n ya did!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s okay, I run slower than pretty much any NFL player, and I’m not even all that slow.

yeah right

Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a tremendous slouch.

Redshirt

Back when I was in Marching Band and my legs were all muscle due to walking a Half Marathon three times a week during practice, I was able to actually have a decent vertical jump. Years later, I tried it at work. I don’t think my feet left the ground.

Game Time Decision

In high school, I was able to dunk. Now I’m lucky to get air borne

Petronel

Serious-illness…electric guitar riff?

King Hippo

keytars FOAR cancer!

Redshirt

So what did I miss in the Nightcap?

King Hippo

DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK!

Spur

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Romonobyl

Rookie…

Ian Scott McCormick

Pat Shurmur could bore people enough to get them to leave a party with free cocaine and Victoria Secret models on the hunt for a rebound bang.

Spur

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Spur

need more Zeke handoffs

King Hippo

fuck yo’ face

Doktor Zymm

Waiting till halftime to go down and buy more wine, as I am inexplicably afraid I might miss something

litre_cola

What can you get at a Marriott?

Doktor Zymm

If it’s anything better than an overpriced plastic Gallo mini I’ll let you know

King Hippo

find a rambling homeless man. He will noe wut two do!

Game Time Decision

The only thing you’ll be missing is time that you could have been drinking

theeWeeBabySeamus

Waiting till halftime to go down

Yes, I’m an asshole and pervert. But this still made me laugh.

King Hippo

I am debating between pizza and ice cream/MOAR cider

Romonobyl

D: All the above.

Doktor Zymm

Can you do a cider float?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ewwwwwww.

King Hippo

MAYBE. I only eat mint chocolate chip, though. Might get WEIRD.

Romonobyl

It’s like rewinding a movie you’ve already seen two times. Just something we do.