Much like any Giants fan I’ll be obligated to watch their eventual embarrassing demise vs. Carolina. But like many folks that like football in and of itself, the Jags/Chiefs game is must-eyeball TV. Also, we’ve got some pre-NFL appetizers on in the form of EPL action. TO THE GAMES!
Den/NYJ:
This is the story of “The Two Case Keenums”. One is a dreadful pocket passer with a QB rating of 66.7-that’s dead last among starters. T’udder is the out-of-pocket tosser. He’s 6th in the league at a 108.6 clip. Gentlemen, start your roll-outs! I figure the Denver D has enough juice left in it to throw rook qb Darnold under the short bus.
Mia/Cin:
Despite being down Gio and deep threat wr Ross it seems likely that Cincy should have little trouble with the “They are who we thought they were” 3-1 Fins.
Atl/Pitt:
The Falc’s O can play with anyone. Their D cannot and they are missing their best player on the line, at lb and in the secondary. If the weather is fine this game should remind me of my fave video game ever-Pong.
NYG/Car:
I’ve no idea what to make of the 2-1 Panthers coming off their too-early-in-the-season bye. So I’ll just say this (again). Play wr Shepard in your flex. He’s caught 16-17 targets the last two tilts and you know what they say about volume… You don’t? “Eureka!” is what they say about volume. Can I make my argument stronger? Slot cb Bradberry has given up a TD and 205 yards vs. Beasley and Tyler Boyd.
Jax/KC:
Here it is. I don’t expect too much out of KC’s wr’s but Hunt catching out of the backfield and te Kelce vs. an lb should produce some results. Enjoy.
GB/Det:
The Pack might be down both Cobb and Geronimo but Rodgers always finds a way. Now’s the time to play that hunch you have on their 5th string wideout.
Bal/Cle:
I find it very difficult, even impossible, to cheer for the Ravens. There, I said it.
Ten/Buf:
If rb Henry doesn’t run wild on the Bills league-worst rushing D then drop his sorry buttocks immediately after this game and don’t look back. This one should be over at about the same time as the first quarter.
Go Man City!
Mason Crosby gonna be working at Tim Hortons by the end of this half.
Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby
So who’s GB gonna replace Mason Crosby with?
–Blair Walsh
Never gets old.
Andy Reid Goal-to-go offense, part 2:
1st down: pass play
2nd down: pass play
3rd down: pass play, long sack
Looks like I got DET/GB and DEN/JETSIT.
Thank goodness the weather is finally nice.
It’s so Giants that Odell gets his first TD in week 5…as a passer.
I’ll gladly take that stinking TD.
#MeToo
/needs them to cover +7.5 so I have a chip and chair #HAILGAMBLOR wise
He’ll be starting under center Week 6!
Holy Banancakes, Kelce!
/best of all, I called it! Woo for me!
So, my ex-roomate tiny Steelers fan yelling at the TV friend no longer watches American footy at all, but acts the exact same way with premeir league to the point where her husband was complaining to me that it’s all soccer and he has to play on his Vita cause he can’t use the TV for Playstation. They’re super awesome and I’ve really enjoyed visiting them this weekend. They’re also huge beer fans, and there’s a BYOB axe throwing place we went to last night
Axe throwing? Even I would leave the house for THAT!
It’s super fun, and I managed to do pretty well throwing either right or left handed! I didn’t quite get the double hand throw down, but next time…next time…
Lemme guess, goddamned Bolles holding?
I needed OBJ to stay out of the endzone. I should have specified NO THROWING TDS EITHER
“Oh yeah? What about this!”
-KC D
Gonna start every conversation with a single woman I meet with “DEBATE ME, YOU COWARD” because I’m confident there’s nothing women get hornt for more than condescending belligerence.
“I believe you are being sexually assaulted. I just am not convinced that I am the guy assaulting you.”
-JUSTICE Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
While I may be descending from a long line of angry Irish Catholic alcoholics, this is uhh something I would not do.
combined with our No Pants policy? What could go wrong? 😀
CONFIRM THIS MAN
Mahomesception…?!?!
immediately followed by Bortfumble!
that’s what you get for being a weiner, Marvin. You HAVE to go for it. Dickhole.
So, there’s a town in CT called Dixwell. Guess how that’s pronounced?
“New Haven”
Speaking of amazing covers…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0y8Q2PATVyI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk5Dwg5zm2U
need this long Gano FG
I still remember when he somehow broke his hip with normal kicking motion on the Redacteds. It was either the Fedex field rock garden, or all the Malk they serve
ricketts, the national scourge
*left wing Cubs fans nod enthusiastically*
Mason Crosby is the BEST!!!!
Probably my best next to last round draft pick EVAR
maybe Jags are playing for a Mahomes Safety?
I think it’s maybe time to have some pie.
Is it gooey?
Not able to watch the games without totally draining my phone with no charge in sight, but at least i’m full of Connecticut microbrew and pizza
Horatio?
Jags were running wild on the KC Defense and they throw for back to back plays.
That little girl Steelers fan in the Pizza Hut ad is going to make someone a hell of an ex-wife someday.
Oh the was some peak Bills right there.
DOINK!
@Horatio – hey what was your favorite recurring bit on You Can’t Do That on Television?
Duh.
Flacco-ception. I’m not sure either of these teams want to win this game.
Old Browns vs. New Browns = 9-6 final score
Not when they can tie
Tannedown
Toughest leg of my parlay!
I have shifted to rooting for you, good Fronk!
that settles it. All my #HAILGAMBLOR loses, my fantasy sides in the shitter. This weekend can eat all the ass.
(Well at least it’s 1PM DFO Time):
“This national anthem singer is so tone deaf she should confirm the next chief justice of the supreme court!”
To impress your friends at parties with more jokes like this, send $19.95 to Joke Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace
/Plus 6.95 shipping and handling
If you sat Robby Anderson-boy, have I got bad news for you.
HA!!!! My money league foe did, still has Ted Ginn (out) in his lineup. 😀
/I will still lose b/c suck at everything in life
I did!
Upon further review, I waived him.
Also, The Maestro is in our league and is sitting Isaiah Crowell.
/Pour salt in wound
//refuses to acknowledge own 0-4 record
Ffffffffffuck
I’m savoring the fact Chiefs vs. Jags is not only a good game but one I’m able to watch on regular TV.
Quite nice to see a good 1pm game on CBS for once here in Fat Humpia
Should I have gone Mahomes instead of Rapey Ben today?
probably equivalent
My nieces’ girl scout troop are better at tackling that the Browns defense…
The Motorhead cover is better than the original…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bt4Xx3vX3Lg
Big fan of Motorhead covers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS8Fn2gaGpM
that one owns
And one that’s near and dear to my heart
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hF9Gr5waAJg
@Horatio – hey do you have a favorite Sonic Youth album?
So, Acura is now in league with the Devil? I wonder what the advantages of owning one might be, given that partnership.
Lifetime roadside assistance?
LAMAR! sighting in the Land of Cleve.
Really need the damned Striped Pylons to wake the fuck up.
with yet another injured jaguras RB Bort is gonna have to throw it 55+ times
cant go wrong with that!
“Everything is coming up Mahomes-house!”
Sack and fumble!! Go Lions!!
Its amazing….I am half way around the world and getting to see the Browns getting fucked by the refs in real time.
Guys, I don’t think the Giants are gonna be very goo this year.
Oh contraire, friend. They’ll be very goo.
Oh, they are extremely goo
Guess I’m committed to that typo now.
Twas a fine typo.
Trying for that draft order domination strategy
LOLGIANTS
why in BLEERGH’s name did I bet on that shitshow?
Thank God Mccarthy is the Packers coach. Without him Rodgers would be unstoppable.
KC fans somewhat disappointed in a 10-0 lead over Jax. It’s going to take a while to get adjusted to this timeline.
This is almost surely to decide homefield for the AFC playoffs. Again…scared.
Sup bitches.
The Andy Reid Goal-to-go offense
1st down: pass play
2nd down: pass play
3rd down: pass play
4th down: We’re havin’ ribs. Also punting.
To be fair, that 2nd play was brilliant design, and a sure, easy TD. KHunt just fucked up.
I haven’t seen a KHunt that fucked up since I dated that lunatic with all the Daddy issues back in college.
There was an incredible submission to an Eagles WYTS from years ago in which the writer described a hypothetical Andy Reid drive on a goal-to-go end-of-game situation and it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read in that series.
“Who cares about invaders entering the Neutral Zone?” Hitler 1938 & MIA-CIN Referees 2018
Jesus, guys. Andy Reid is gonna be Coach of the Year. Ah’m scared.
Hippo my buddy started Valdes-Scandling against me. Isn’t he your guy?
SIGH. Yes. He’s done fuckall,