There’s a ton of NFL news today if you look for it…
Dez Bryant:
The newest employee of the New Orleans Saints hasn’t, to anyone’s knowledge, burned any bridges with a single one of his teammates as of 6pm EST!
Darren Sproles:
He aggravated his teeny, weeny hamstring today.
There you have it. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Steelers:
Them Pittsburghians. Are they spent after the Crashing Helmets Bowl that took place just 3 1/2 days ago against arch-enemy Baltimore? Perhaps, but in Math Is A Thing News they happen to be 7-1 at home on Thursday nights. (the lone loss was a field goal in OT) By doing their very best Giants imitation, the Steelers D has a plump-ton of trouble dealing with opposing te’s. This is where Greg Olsen and his ‘3 TD’s in three games since returning from injury’ narrative rears its head. Guess who I’ve got on my fantasy team? Guess who doesn’t have to play him because he bid the hell out of Travis Kelce back in early September? Yeah, I think you know. This sure does feel like a game that will end up in the 30’s so I thought I might hit you with some factoids from that time.
Herbert Hoover was an inveterate gambler and bullied his fellow poker-playing buds by yelling out, “I Want A New Deal!” whenever he was given a poor hand.
Manchuria, a disease caused by a poor understanding of what mosquitoes actually do, swept the southern United States in early 1935.
According to several glasses of Guinness, the greatest number of people victimized by a ‘crop-dusting’ was performed by Amelia Airfart during the 1932 Des Moines Air Show.
Neville Chamberlain and his aide both wanted to read a certain American weekly on the flight back from Germany back in ’38. There was a kerfuffle, pages were torn. The end result was Mr. Chamberlain announcing proudly on the tarmac the often misquoted phrase, “This Is A Piece Of Our Time!”
Enough of this crap. It’s your turn now. I’ve got to take a power.
Regarding the DFO FF League…
I’m not sure I’m comfortable living in a world where Senor Weaselo is kicking everyone’s ass.
Just seems wrong.
His time has cum.
Well-played, Sir.
Unlike you this year……
Yeah, no shit.
Sheeeesh.
Oh, you are paying a visit to teh Opium Den this week. I got shit kicked by teh Hippo.
Can’t be any worse than the pegging I got from Brocky last week.
I am just getting murder-killed in fantasy. But Sinema now up almost 10K votes! And the FL margin is down to like 0.18%
Holy crap, those two elections are close. Those damn Floridians.
and it’s gon’ be ugly and fuckety again…
https://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/getting-ugly-fast
How hard is it to count every vote. That way if you lose, you can walk away with your dignity intact.
I’m on Nyquil Severe right now, so I may be tripping.
Needs more hanging chads.
/Not a Dungy joke
Lentil chips are the new bean chips
What are beet chips? Delicious but if you are a bit of a burn out (ahem) and forget you ate them your 1st movement the next day is scary.
beet chips are probably Rodney Kings’ favorite no offennce.
Can’t we all just get a (foot) long (hotdog)?
Wouldn’t be the first time Ben’s had amazing protection to allow him to penetrate a defense.
How will Steelers Fans react to LeVeon if he does show up? Cheers? Boos? Indifference?
He will be booed mercilessly, then he will score a td and everything will be fine.
Yup
That depends entirely on how well he plays.
certainly not with anything raycess!
Damn… football players… are getting uppity about how much they’re paid.
“Hey yinz the Rooney rule applies to coaches not runninbacks”
Funchess is maddening. He always looks like he doesn’t give a shit out there. Lazy cuts, very little hustle, his whole game seems meh.
Learned everything he knew from Kelvin Benjamin.
So at what point during my Best Man speech should I summon BOLTMAN to flay two of the bride’s brothers who still owe me money from the bachelor party? I’m thinking pretty early so that if everyone isn’t too distracted by the organs flying everywhere, I can finish strong.
Whenever the DJ starts the femur drums.
I would put a dig in there somewhere about the groom being good for money unlike the bride’s siblings.
If they’re married, get them drunk and stage it like they slept with hookers. Or each other, you’re call.
There goes the Steelers Nation. Showing up acting like they own the place.
What? Steelers fans behaving like assholes? I don’t believe you.
One of these days, I should learn how to do something in Audacity beyond cutting ringtones out of songs
It’s pretty easy to set it up to record your pc’s own audio, ouroboros style. Then you can record music from streaming sources and boom: free music.
It seems like it’s just incredibly powerful, but I never think of any use besides isolating the part of Still Counting about assholes so I can have a humorous ringtone at work
9 EST is way past my bedtime. G’Night, Love Monkeys!
But the Sens haven’t even lost yet! Or trashed their coaches in some sort of livery!
You know, I have to respect the Steelers being in a position to tell LeVeon Bell to go f*** himself whenever he drunkenly stumbles himself back to the team.
You people must have diarrhea.
I WISH!
The Night the Toilet Cried
That was last week.
I hate the Steelers, but I do love those uniforms.
I sincerely hope they keep the block numbers.
Agreed. To be honest, it fits their theme of a no flash, no thrills, just shows up and plays football team. I don’t know why they switched to their current italics ones in the 90s.
Ummmmmm….duh.
Because Kordell Stewart is awesome and….
LOL, I can’t even finish the sentence.
[Appears in a puff of black smoke holding California State University Marketing Degree]
This was likely a way to make jerseys look so different as to encourage additional sales. Too many people like to have what is considered “current” and it’s an easy way to drum up business among sports teams especially.
[Disapperas in another puff of black smoke]
[Can be seen trying to crawl back under a rock off to the right]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiQrV-EXpME
Laura Rutledge is kinda pertty.
I’ve been crushing on Charissa Thompson lately. She rocks on NFL Gameday Prime.
She’s nice too.
I heard Jeff Sessions’ “resigning” is just so that trump can show off that he knows the correct plural is Attorneys General.
Did Cam suddenly forget how to football?
Is everyone on the same shit cycle here? Am I missing out?
You know what they say about internet commenters and poop cycles syncing up…
These are cycles you don’t want to synchronize.
I’m 180° out-of-phase. When I take a shit Carolina scores.
If you have an ounce of mercy in your soul, you will go each all the prunes you can find.
I guess I’ll just stay in the bathroom. I go to poo, it’s 7-0 Carolina. Upon returning it’s 14-7.
MY SHIT DOESN’T STINK!
/no, it does
//badly
(see Panthers march down the field for a 7-0 lead)
“This is good. I’m going to go take a crap.”
(comes back from bathroom; see score)
“What the hell?!”
You missed two plays.
We were separated at birth?
I got a feeling we’re going to be seeing some Cam Newton Pout Face, plus the towel over his head. He does that when he pouts.
I predict he will wear a large hat after the game, because large hats make him feel better.
He will also get dirtied once this game and it will not be called.
If this keeps up he’ll need a sombrero.
Well at least they didn’t get a safety and get the ball right back.
bad Cam.
This is definitely an entertaining start.
“It took Big Ben 11 seconds…” — Joe Buck
“Actually, he can accomplish a lot in 11 seconds.” — court documents
“That’s pretty fast.” — Stormy Daniels
— R. Pitino
DNA tests indicate that modern humans have up to 4% Neanderthal genes. Looking at photos of Roethlisberger, I’d guess he’s more in the 20-25% range.
I met Disney chairman Michael Eisner and he was at least 50% Cro-Magnon, and the suit he was wearing must have cost $10,000. Partial evolution was pretty good to him.
And I’m sure his hair was perfect.
“JEW-JEW COMES THROUGH!”
-Simon Weisenthal
that was not ideal.
NOPE. I’m against teh juju. Mah luck has turned.
My goodness!
my money league opponent played the Yinzer D over the Jest (home v. Bills). This is giving me a small mental boost.
/also Sinema is gonna win, MAYBE even Nelson
Honestly, I thought you were gonna say “erection”.
Suck it Steelers.
See what you did
Just put McCaffrey on the cover of Madden and watch him get Hillised.
Go for it!
I can hear my typical Yinzer uncle calling them “useless bums” from Heinz Field already.
“Dumb-ass family members are a blessing.”
-No One Ever
I’m being informed that the Flyers goaltending is still bad. You’re supposed to be fixing this shit, Ron.
Flyers goaltenders :: Jets quarterbacks
I fucking loved Sam Mills. A 5’9″ middle linebacker that dominated? Are you fucking kidding me?
I still think he did his best work after he climbed to the top ranks of the army.
Steel Panther? Is this some kind of joke?
*looks up Steel Panther on wiki*
Well, apparently it is. I’ll allow it.
Folks
I knew I shoulda bet Wake to cover.
Dammit.
These fuckers on the Fox pregame show make me wish they would switch back to Troy and Joe.
Well looks like Brick is broken again, better send out an extraction team.
Ha ha I just gave myself a couple of smacks in the head with a hammer. I’m good now.
Might this actually be a decent TNF matchup? Heaven forfend!
Don’t worry, Monday Night more than makes up for this.
How the fuck are both these teams in prime time again????
If I ever become emperor of the US, I would require 1) all hotel showers have to follow a goddamn standard in terms of turning on the water and 2) every hotel is required to have the NFL network.
I got fuck all here in terms of sports channels…I’m seriously just stuck with the BYU network here.
Fucking Montana…
You would obviously be a benevolent dictator, since as emperor you would have those benefits as a matter of course. Thanks for looking out for the little guy.
“Looking out for the little guy” explains a lot about DJT’s behavior.
The game is on Fox too. Pretty sure they have that in MT.
But maybe only Fox News.
“Woke Forest is the best up-and-coming environmental terrorist group out there.”
-Edward Abbey
College Football-wise NC State is ranked #14 and Cuse is there at #13. Here’s hoping they play each other in the WTF?Bowl.
Nope, same conference.
You guys already beat us anyway.
Okay. You don’t *get* silly comments, who is going to play in the WTF? Bowl?
Grambling v. Georgia?
Alabama vs The London School of Economics
Sorry, I didn’t get it. Normally I would have, but I’m the middle of trying to stop a friend from stopping his prozac cold turkey so my mind is elsewhere.
You should probably concentrate on the problem at hand.
I thought I was.
DAMMIT.
found a funny:
I finally figured out what kind of creature Grimace is – HE’S A GIANT PURPLE BITCH WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY SHERYL YOU SMELL LIKE FRENCH FRIES ALL THE TIME NOW
TBF, McDick’s French fries do smell good and are tasty
TRIGGER111 I was raped by Mayor McCheese smh
Sitting here watching the pre-game, and I’m like, wait a minute, I could just listen to Mina Kimes and Domonique Foxworth instead! Instant mute!
Additional anticipation during the game for me tonight while I, like Lou Reed, will be Waiting For The Man.
Becky Lynch isn’t on TV tonight tho
LASSKICKER!
Bethune-Cookman: Football team playing tonight or Big Ben’s personal chef?
Emmitt Smith’s dietitian.
One more day before the long weekend!!!!!!!
Tomorrow will be my toughest challenge yet: To not murder any students.
I think we have enough time before kickoff. Everyone should go read Ian’s piece. It’s amazing.
Do I have to? [stamps foot] I hate homework!
It’s all queued up for the next shitter adventure
Stillers in prime time! Let’s get some spinal injuries!
“Gotta tell ya, that’s gonna sting a bit.”
-Darrell S. , New England