Your “Eeny-Meeny-Miny-Mo” NFL Football Open Thread

Catch a tiger by the toe. Or a Giant. Or maybe a Packer. You know, one of those teams that have chances of making the playoffs in around the 2-5% mark. Watch them holler at the end of the day when they’re officially eliminated from the holy grail that is extra revenue from concession sales in January. TO THE GAMES!

Cards/Falcons:

Neither of these teams can get to .500 if they (ha!) win out the season. Approach this game carefully. If it shows any sign of aggression, make yourself as big as possible and shout. The game tends to get confused at odd behavior and will shy away.

Lions/Bills:

Do not wake up this game if it is sleeping, otherwise it may get cranky. If it does get cranky, heat up some chamomile tea and ask the game about its day. Maybe rub the game’s shoulders a bit. Show the game that you care.

Packers/Bears:

If you encounter this game on a hiking trail, make sure that you have several bratwursts in your back pack. A bit of mustard and sauerkraut wouldn’t hurt either. Be well-versed in the collapse of America’s manufacturing industry-this game does love to commiserate into its food.

Raiders/Bengals:

If you want to survive this game you’re going to have to look at it straight in the eye and show that you’re the alpha in this situation. This game will get the message and back away with its tail between its legs.

Cowboys/Colts:

This game doesn’t trust strangers very much so you’ll have to be patient. Get the game to talk about itself, open up a bit. You’ll be surprised at how much it reveals about itself by the end of the third quarter.

Titans/Giants:

Best to make yourself as small as possible if you happen upon this tilt. Maybe, maybe think about using a slingshot if you absolutely have to. The odds aren’t on your side but some folks will tell you that it worked at least one time before.

Potato Skins/Jags:

Circle this game slowly, not making any sudden moves. Try to stay just out of its peripheral vision and it won’t be able to formulate a plan of attack. After a while it will decide that you’re not worth the effort and will go about its way.

Bucs/Ravens:

Punch this game right in the nose. This game will show no mercy and you’re gonna have to go all in if you want to make it out alive. Come to think of it, a knife wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

Show me the way to go home.

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
464 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
...

I kinda need to Bears to win today to salvage a day that’s just felt shitty.

Redshirt

This Raiders game is like watch the Bad Bengals Teams (2-14 to 4-12). Almost like the universe is telling Bengals fans, “See, its could be worse!”

Unsurprised

It can always get worse.

Spur

Jesus Dak. Just fucking run dude.

King Hippo

on 3rd and 1, you REALLY want to really on DAK!’s arm

blaxabbath

Catch the D off gerd.

Spur

Damn. Jarwin is a MAN.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You know, I don’t really give a shit about any of these games, and there are only three more Raiders games this season. I should at least watch.”

[turns on Raiders game]

[two plays later, Raiders fumble]

[turns Red Zone back on]

Doktor Zymm

There are no Raiders games this season, this is a bye season for them

blaxabbath

Gruden is just waiting for someone else to build a SB roster for him.

blaxabbath

Location Off Raiders

King Hippo

Cap’n Dingleberry….AHOY!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

When I was in Baltimore last week, I saw a car with an Indianapolis Colts bumper sticker on it.
I wanted to call Fozz and then watch him slash the tires, but I was running late.

blaxabbath

“I’m shopping for my wife, she is OBSESSED with Apple.”

“Oh yeah? What does she do?”

“Sit around and post on Snapchat.”

...

It’s striking to see how Trubisky and Josh Allen are described considering the former has been significantly better than the latter.

King Hippo

this is very, very true

...

Allen has been nearly as bad as Rosen but because MOBILITY! he’s getting a pass. It’s weird.

King Hippo

he has that “butch REEL man” aura that announcers always fluff

Fronkenshteen

Doc Zenner!

Spur

another dead Cowboy lineman. this is not ideal .

King Hippo

surely they can convince Sean Lee that he’s really an OL and just forgot?

Unsurprised

No one’s made a joke about ♪ I’m a lineman for the Cowboys … ♪

King Hippo

I am leaning towards keeping Beatie for like $52 rather than Buster for $5 or Bollo de la Verdad for $2

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Fronkenshteen

Put Dixon in!

Unsurprised

DIX! DIX! DIX!

Fronkenshteen

BEATTIE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Kickie is suspended.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, this made me chuckle.

Unsurprised

That’s who I was forgetting.

Redshirt

Ah! We almost had a Fat Guy Touchdown Reception!

King Hippo

BEATIE IS THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT

blaxabbath

He made that girl see stars.

Mother Puncher

Unfortunately Mixon missed a chance to hit a hungry pursuer

Spur

Colts offense is really good. this team needs to be in the playoffs to get a shot at beating the Pats or Steelers.

King Hippo

now let Beatie run it in!

Unsurprised

Which one is Beatie? Who are the others? Stabbie. Crashie. Stonededie. Kickie.

h/t to Moose for Kickie.

King Hippo

Mixon of Cincy

Doktor Zymm

Christ, the seven dwarves of football

Unsurprised

Tiny Darren is their leader.

ArmedandHammered

Smackie.

ArmedandHammered

And don’t forget Shootie, who changed his name to Hangie.

blaxabbath

Josh Rosen sucks. I foresee him leading a 0-16 squad next year.

...

The Giants were skewered for not taking a QB but after watching that draft class play they don’t look so stupid.

King Hippo

YUPPPPP

blaxabbath

Flacco off Broadway 2019! The

Horatio Cornblower

This seems like a good time to get some Xmas shopping do…started. See you for the late games.

blaxabbath

Is Gotham good?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No. God, no.

ArmedandHammered

If you ignore all the scenes with young Bruce Wayne. To me, this show has the best Alfred. *stopped watching after first season*

Redshirt

I stopped after episode 3 or 4. It looks like they’ve pulled a “Smallville” and threw everything in except for the one character we want to see.

Unsurprised

Even Supergirl has a Superman who’s shown up a couple times. Speaking of which, have you seen the Crisis on Infinite Earths/Elseworlds crossover?

Redshirt

Not into Supergirl or any of the DC TV series. Or any primetime series at all.

blaxabbath

Seriously? Steve Wilks needs to change the culture in ARI? The locker room culture was the one thing Arians had going right from Day 1 until he hung it up.

Unsurprised

Lemme tell you about locker room cultures
— G. Schiano

Doktor Zymm

Is Frank Gore a zombie?

rockingdog

ut ohhhhhhhhhhh…… frank gore done???

King Hippo

Away fixture LOLfins are still a thing.

King Hippo

Jeebus Christ, Ratbirds

theeWeeBabySeamus

^ This.

Mother Puncher

Cool so Marvin Lewis is going to win out and keep his job while missing the playoffs. Cool cool cool cool cool

blaxabbath

::is sent to space where no one can hear him scream::

-redshirt

blaxabbath

::is made head of Space Force because of his unabashed loyalty::

-redshirt

Redshirt

(carves “SO WAS RED” next to “BROOKS WAS HERE”)

Spur

that’s some crappy Dallas play calling.

Horatio Cornblower

You don’t like a sweep run to the left, where your tackle is playing with a hunchback, instead of a run right up the middle with Zeke, who’s been gashing the Colts all day?

Doktor Zymm

I need more eyes, it’s super hard to play Civ, watch football, install a new video card in my desktop, pack for the holidays, and follow the liveblog all at the same time

Doktor Zymm

However, I ALWAYS have time to laugh at the Cowboys

Petronel

Playing Civ will make the rest go away.

/lost entire weekends to Civ II back in the day

King Hippo

goddamned Peyton Barber is gonna end up beating me in money league

King Hippo

SEE!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Impressive that neither Buffalo nor Detroit made it into the red zone until the second quarter.

blaxabbath

Every other recent NFL season called, it wants it’s comment back.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Every other week during this season is on Line 2.

King Hippo

Why is BUF dressed as the pre-1990s P*ts?

Spur

bad pass by Dak on that 3rd and goal

Horatio Cornblower

TE pulled his hands in before the ball got there.

Gratliff

bad pass by Dak on that *rd and *

Horatio Cornblower

I imagine that the look of shock on Jenny McCarthy’s face when they reveal the mystery singer is same shocked look she has when she realizes that Donny Wahlberg was using his thumb, and hadn’t really taken her nose.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I had such a celebrity crush on her back in the day.
Ya know, before I learned what an idiot she is.

Meh, I’d still take a run at her given the chance. But I’d buy earplugs first.

Horatio Cornblower

Make sure you’re up to date on your shots.

theeWeeBabySeamus

2/10….still willing to “vaccinate” her.

Unsurprised

I feel like I was the only one who was never into her. I can’t remember who I was into except maybe Patricia Ford and the girls who were mostly or only in the Book of Lingerie issues. IDK. I was also into whoever the Internet was into, and it was always niche compared to women like her.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wasn’t a huge fan either.

Unsurprised

Oh, good.

Spur

I imagine this is Elvis’s big comeback media event

Mother Puncher

*Norm voice*: “Jenny McCarthy recently got engaged to former new kid on the block Donnie Walhberg. They plan to marry on retard island.”

rockingdog

shit is washington reds gonna beat jags?

Spur

Mack just sacked A Aron with his ass.

Horatio Cornblower

Dammit, Shogun.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s just showing off at this point. Next snap he’ll try to get one using only harsh language.

Horatio Cornblower

YOUR FAMILY IS HERE!!!”
/Rodgers turtles

blaxabbath

Like Baseketball psych outs?

King Hippo

you can miss a wide open Beatie in the flat for 6, but make THAT toss?

Spur

Not covering Zeke on third down? Bold move

King Hippo

/also not feeding him on 3rd and 1

Unsurprised

@RTD
comment image

blaxabbath

Is Welcome to Marwen Steve Carrell’s The Majestic?

Horatio Cornblower

It’s a twist on the usual “Hollywood-star-plays-a-retard-for-the-Oscar” gambit, in that his character is intellectually challenged, but because of a hate crime rather than genetics.

Senor Weaselo

How’d the line go in Tropic Thunder?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpaQ-6mJpzk

King Hippo

so, he ain’t going Full Retard then

Horatio Cornblower

I think he’s combining Sean Penn’s ‘I Am Sam’ and ‘Milk’ into one movie.

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/b7/b77aad5f220c10192ed84a14cf9cd2f6484a947acd9cb1f3363c6d94827667e8.jpg

Unsurprised

But with a bunch of hot women.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy shit….both my RB’s are already above their projected for today and it’s still the 1st qtr. I have a shot at finishing 7th!!!!!

(and also of beating BFC for the 3rd time this year….which is funny because I’d have 4 wins total…LMFAO)
((can I play him every week next year?))

blaxabbath

I started Rosen this week.

I am getting the performance I expected.

King Hippo

needs a few MOAR Globalist WRs imo g-dbless

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

At last the Tits are in New York.

No, I’m not talking about Zymm flying cross-country.

Horatio Cornblower

Zeke’s still doing that feed me thing.

How not-at-all annoying.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[gets angry because he think you are making fun of him]

– Doug Martin

theeWeeBabySeamus

When does the Limbo contest start?????

– Doug Martin

Horatio Cornblower

Who said that!?
-Brock Osweiler

King Hippo

go ask his exes wha happen when you DON’T feed him to his liking

King Hippo

DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK!

ZEKE ZEKE ZEKE ZEKE ZEKE!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ZAK ZAK ZAK!

rockingdog

Nice!
jordan howard with the BEARS TD!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Only took him 14 weeks to get going this year.

King Hippo

Derrick Henry’s Go Fuck Yourselves revenge tour continues.

King Hippo

replay official had him in fantasy too

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh look, now the Bengals are on Red Zone!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Did someone shoot Marvin Lewis orrrrrr……?

blaxabbath

Goddamn — is Atlanta pumping in crowd boos?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“They’re pumping booze into the crowd? Man I gotta get up there!” – Justin Blackmon, rushing out to buy a Greyhound ticket.

blaxabbath

::Presses down harder on the gas::

-S Keim

Unsurprised

Aww…
— R. Shazier

blaxabbath

Announcer of the ATL/ARI game; “who isn’t in the playoff hunt at this point? Seems like all but a couple teams…”

Yeah, the two teams in front of you.