The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. Fantasy football questions still welcome but by no means required. If you have questions and/or need advice, email firstname.lastname@example.org. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.
Ah, wasn’t that a lovely NFL playoff weekend? First order of business is advice I failed to heed and feel compelled to reiterate–don’t bet against the Pats at home in the playoffs. I’m an idiot. Other than that ass-whooping, the games were close enough to be exciting and a nice reminder of how much fun the NFL can be when Roger Goodell isn’t fucking it up. I’ll be pulling for the Chiefs and Rams this weekend, so undoubtedly we’re looking at a NE-NO Superb Owl.
Speaking of superb, our first order of advice business today comes from a not-so-serious submission, but like I said in the inaugural Mouth Flies Open column, “but here at DFO’s Advice Corner and Spatula Warehouse, we are committed to taking all comers”:
I’m dating a new girl. She’s kind of a villain. Her name is Poison Ivy. The sex is good, but my balls always itch afterwards. Help!
–Increasingly Terrified Chap Having Young Nympho’s Unclean Tropical Snatch
Well, ITCHYNUTS, wrap it up is obviously the most important and evergreen advice. But this is also a good opportunity to revisit when it is and isn’t smart to be guided by your genitals. I can’t remember where now, but I recall reading an advice column about living with herpes and how if the person you ended up being with forever had herpes but both of you were planning on being monogamous anyway, then it’s like getting a Ferrari at Yugo prices. On the other hand, if you keep sticking your dick into the thorny part of the rose bush, you may just be an idiot not learning from your brain’s pain signals.
Or you could take the material they used for Robin’s rubber lips and dip your dick in it.
Switching over to our friend, Carolyn Hax—
DEAR AMY: I am a 57-year-old man dating a 49-year-old woman. We’ve been together for over a year.
She is beautiful, smart, sexy, and tons of fun. However, she never puts her phone down.
No matter what we are doing or where we are, she is texting and answering texts from her teenage children. This goes on, no matter how serious or inconsequential the issue is.
She will sit in a dark movie theater and text her son about where his shoes are, or answer questions that could definitely wait until she isn’t busy.
Her reply is that she has three kids and has to be available to them always, no matter what.
She literally has rolled over in bed, grabbed her phone and answered questions about family birthdays, etc.
To make it even more complicated, she plays online games and thinks nothing of whipping out her phone in a nice restaurant as I sit there so humiliated while waitresses look at me with pity.
She says I am old-fashioned and that this is normal behavior. Is it?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say the real problem isn’t about her playing on her phone, but rather–
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
“Man, I’ll take over this one. Plain and simple, she is not into you. And why would she be if you’re diminishing her parental responsibilities and attentiveness. Like Breesus always says, do unto others as you would have done unto you. Why is she on the phone? She is not offering full attention and kindness because you have not made yourself deserving of it. Respect the mother, and also respect the signals that you are not even close to a top priority in her life. Either accept the casual nature or move on, because you are not getting any more attention and are lucky if you get any at all.”
Michael Thomas is 100% right. Sure, it’s rude that she’s on her phone the whole time, but why is she on her phone the whole time for reasons both good (parenting) and bad (candy crush)? And why are you comfortable dismissing all of them? It really doesn’t matter because at some point she’s dumping your ass so enjoy the ride or become someone worth paying attention to.
Next up we’re going to a doozy of a letter to Alison Green’s excellent Ask A Manager feature–
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
“You think your employer is treating you badly? I have to deal with an idiot showing me up at practice and treating me like a rookie rather than the best WR in franchise history and in the discussion for greatest of all time. Regardless, don’t let them disrespect you. Hold strong. Get paid or get the fuck out of there.”
/DOOR FLIES SHUT
Yeah, I say sue the fuckers but you also could just hint that you might. Either way, like LeVeon and AB, don’t fucking give in to those assholes. It is unconscionable for someone to call you onto the carpet to say people have complained about your appearance post-mastectomy. You work with monsters and a management team oblivious to legal liability. So yeah, I’d document the hell out of this ridiculousness and use that leverage however you can. Fucking assholes.
And let’s close out this week by checking in with the godmother ofadvice columnists, Dear Abby—
Dear Abby: I have a relative who has, over the years, gotten many colorful tattoos on his arms, back and chest. I make no value judgments about this, but I am curious about what in today’s culture motivates people to get tattoos, and why many people can’t seem to get enough of them.
— Curious in North Carolina
And just in case your blood pressure isn’t high enough this morning, let’s see what Abby had to say to CiNC–
Dear Curious: People get inked for a variety of reasons. Among them: because they are currently in fashion, they think they are pretty, to mark milestones in their life, someone they admire has one or more, or because their friends are doing it. And I suspect that some individuals turn their bodies into canvasses because the practice is somehow addictive.
HOLY SHIT IS THAT TERRIBLE. It’s the “I’m not judging, but I’m judging the HELL out of you” response. The first sentence is correct; people do get inked for a variety of reasons. But generally speaking those reasons don’t include the classic “if your friends all jumped off a bridge would you do it” or “I have a crippling addiction to personal expression.” What a horrible judgy and uptight shrew. I personally don’t care for tattoos, but empathy would make a normal person capable of understanding that there’s more than one approach to body art. Here’s some advice, CiNC–people are different and want different things. If you don’t like falafel, it doesn’t mean no one should or is capable of liking falafel. More importantly, don’t be like Abby and be a cunty judgy mcjudgerson around your tattooed relative. It’s his body (and his money) and he can decide to ink it or not as much as possible. It has nothing to do with you, so live your “no value judgments” rather than pretending you’re not being a condescending twat waffle.
Ok, that’s it for this edition of Mouth Flies Open, the DFO advice column. Feel free to ask questions below or send them into email@example.com. Thanks for reading, ‘riting, and recognizin’. See you around the DFO clubhouse!
Have questions? Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions, and spread the word!