Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve seen Alex Smith get that call.

yeah right

If Brady takes that shot that man is a convicted felon.

Doktor Zymm

Goddamn it. Unchilled bubbly or proper temp Red?

Mr. Ayo

Red

yeah right

Go with the red.

herodotus450

Ben Stein Voice: “Oh no don’t stop, if you open the bubbly you’ll have to drink it all tonight or else it will go flat.”

Doktor Zymm

Red. Also ice cream with rum.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did somebody say RAAAAMMMMITT

Gatoraids

13th ref

Ian Scott McCormick

Just punt

Horatio Cornblower

You can call holding on any play in the NFL, and these officials just proved it.

yeah right

Fuck off refs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

just ONE TD, motherfuckers

Unsurprised

LOL. Felix just called Catler the HRC of football

...

He did find a way to get himself hurt under completely ordinary conditions.

Brocky

I’ve heard this comparison before. Better than people want to admit, people wont give them the benefit of the doubt due to their lack of charisma

Gatoraids

3 offensive penalties incoming

Mr. Ayo

Oh, god dammit

Brocky

Theres 1!

Dolph Ucker

there’s one

King Hippo

nicely done!

Senor Weaselo

Well there’s one!

Senor Weaselo

Bailout flag… AGAINST the P*ts?

Ian Scott McCormick

What a time to be alive

King Hippo

Big Corn Syrup has SPOKEN!

...

?? ????? ???? ?? ??????? ???? ??? ??? ???? ???????? ?? ????!

Brocky

Knowing clay matthews, first responders were called because he damaged his hair

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Didn’t realize they taped my moot court sessions.

Ian Scott McCormick

Verizon isn’t going to do the Donte Stallworth story, are they?

Unsurprised

I’m thinking maybe we give Oliver Wendell Holmes too much shit for his three generations of imbeciles opinion.

Beerguyrob

So, I just registered the Twitter handle “Superb Owl”.

King Hippo

now you sit back, and await the money train!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who?

yeah right

Solid spot from youngest rights company Microsoft.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

FUCK YOU MICROSOFT FOR ACTUALLY ADVERTISING SOMETHING WITH LEGITIMATE SOCIAL VALUE.

Horatio Cornblower

This kid Owen has undoubtedly killed me in Fortnite, and I have undoubtedly called him horrible, horrible names for doing so.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

At least you fucked his mom.

Horatio Cornblower

I certainly may have claimed I did.

King Hippo

this is so fucking twisted, private emotional porn. This fucking country

Horatio Cornblower

CJ Anderson is trying to keep Gurley focused? In the fucking Super Bowl!?!?

...

Watching this on loop instead of this dreadful game

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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It’s just the tip.

Horatio Cornblower

I’M THE KING OF THE PUNTS!!!

Doktor Zymm

So, it was ‘Scoff for Goff’, then they sat him for a year and it was all ‘Goff is shitty’ and then he played and people were all like, ‘No! He’s totes good!’ and I kinda think he’s all that. He can be good, but it’s super situational and while he has an arm he probably doesn’t have the smarts at the moment to take charge when a situation breaks down.

Spur

Goff is scared shitless. A head owie will cure his fear.

Ian Scott McCormick

Dude, just don’t catch the ball if you know you aren’t getting back to the line of scrimmage. I would literally do better there.

Gratliff

Routinely shocked how often this happens in football

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d say that CJ Anderson holds the ball like it’s a loaf of bread but we all know he’d never let anyone knock food out of his hand.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Rams really are Talib’s team, with all the shooting themselves in the foot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Banner?

Horatio Cornblower

There’ve been a couple of good candidates, but this is on the list.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My people don’t do well with being put on lists

nomonkeyfun

I’ll make sure to tattoo that onto your arm.

Gatoraids

Anyone with Todd gurley should just forfeit their fantasy win

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

Holy shit.

Gratliff

Fucking defying the odds to avoid first downs

King Hippo

oh Jesus, I think I died there.

Spur

Goff really misses Kupp.

Horatio Cornblower

To be fair, he’s been missing most of his receivers tonight.

yeah right

It’s easier to Goff into a Kupp.

Mr. Ayo

Goff, stop sucking for just 2 minutes already.

King Hippo

would be appropriate if the Fat Man won MVP of the Corn Syrup Owl

Spur

Cowboys would have made this 1000x times better for everyone.

Unsurprised

Actual cowboys would make this more interesting

King Hippo

you mean Chefs?

Doktor Zymm

Nope octopus says nope

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve had relationships that haven’t lasted as long as it takes Goff to make a decision.

yeah right

Switched to some vino to lessen the intake.

King Hippo

yeah, I’d vote for the P*ts punter so far, he been good

Gatoraids

Devil punter

Spur

I’ve woken from my food coma. I see i’ve missed much .

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brocky

God damn it now I’m falling asleep

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

let’s just skip Q4 and go straight to penalties

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Ian Scott McCormick

Let’s go to the strip club

Unsurprised

Even I think this would be a good idea

Doktor Zymm

I’ll come, because it’s always less awkward when you’re with a chick at the strip club

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Cockteasing a southern drum line. Ain’t that some shit.

clint greasewood

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