And here we are, the fourth and final of our regional previews. This is the BOLTMAN Regional.
Erhem. Sorry. We all have our femurs intact? Good. Let’s go.
1. “[Is] there also a Cripso’s on another corner in Compton?”
16. “THESE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS I CALL THEM ROBERT MULDOON, BECAUSE THEY GOT EATEN ALIVE BY THE RAPTORS.”
Okay, I’ll be honest. I’m not entirely sure if the Cripso’s comment was actually a banner. I’m fairly sure it was, but if it wasn’t it is one of the great quotes and snappy one-liners in [DFO] history, so I’ll put it on the board. While we’re at it, I’d like to give a special shout-out to Porky’s comment on the Pats Schadenfreude Crimebeat! post, which at last check was at +36, which to the writing staff’s knowledge is some kind of record. So depending on next year’s bracket, the committee would not be against giving it some kind of at-large selection even though it is not a banner comment. But that’s for next year’s competition, if there so happens to be one.
8. “Just think what Dan Snyder could do with the name ‘Redblacks.'”
9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.”
Hail to the Redblacks?
5. “No problem.… I’m a Bengals fan, Buckeyes fan, and Moderate Republican. I’m used to be taken in the backdoor.”
12. “Kicking zebras are the number one cause of Lion concussions.”
For legal reasons I have no idea who this is referring to.
4. “The Gang Wins a Game”
13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11”
There were two 9/11 banners in fairly quick succession chronologically, so they hurt each other a bit, rather than towering above the field like some kind of, uh, twin towers. Yeah, that’s all I got.
On the bottom half of the bracket:
6. “The closed captioning on the bar tv just implied Janay Rice was hitting in the celebrity softball game. I thought it was the other way around.”
11. “I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.”
Gotta have a Janay Rice joke in there of course. And a Rivers pregnancy joke too!
3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?”
14. “Wow. I always knew AJ Green would snap and attack someone. But I always thought it would be Andy Dalton or Marvin Lewis.”
7. “if you take a bunch of tires, put them in a dumpster, and set them on fire, would you describe it as a dumpster fire or a tire fire, or should I just keep calling it the [Redacteds]?”
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.
2. “I’ll take one poster, a beer coozy, a bottle opener, and a pack of HRTN condoms – because nothing says ‘appropriate DFO branding’ like a condom named ‘Hard Ride to Nowhere.'”
15. “I have picked up and put down Infinite Jest so many times that I now have tennis elbow.”
And that will do it for the bracket previews! Tomorrow to celebrate the beginning of the tournament (and to help make it so it doesn’t go into April) there will be FOUR matchups going on, while most days will have two matchups. If you look to the sidebar on your right (the part that says “Updates Fly Open”), that’s where the polls’ll be. At least for the first couple rounds. Maybe as we get towards the endgame we’ll have it all in prime-time.
Let the madness begin!