Better Know a Banner Bracket: BOLTMAN Regional

Senor Weaselo

Senor Weaselo

Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn’t doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn’t happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
Senor Weaselo

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And here we are, the fourth and final of our regional previews. This is the BOLTMAN Regional.

OHHHHH YEEEEEEAAHHHHHHHHH!

Erhem. Sorry. We all have our femurs intact? Good. Let’s go.

1. “[Is] there also a Cripso’s on another corner in Compton?”
16. “THESE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS I CALL THEM ROBERT MULDOON, BECAUSE THEY GOT EATEN ALIVE BY THE RAPTORS.”

Okay, I’ll be honest. I’m not entirely sure if the Cripso’s comment was actually a banner. I’m fairly sure it was, but if it wasn’t it is one of the great quotes and snappy one-liners in [DFO] history, so I’ll put it on the board. While we’re at it, I’d like to give a special shout-out to Porky’s comment on the Pats Schadenfreude Crimebeat! post, which at last check was at +36, which to the writing staff’s knowledge is some kind of record. So depending on next year’s bracket, the committee would not be against giving it some kind of at-large selection even though it is not a banner comment. But that’s for next year’s competition, if there so happens to be one.

8. “Just think what Dan Snyder could do with the name ‘Redblacks.'”
9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.”

Hail to the Redblacks?

5. “No problem.… I’m a Bengals fan, Buckeyes fan, and Moderate Republican. I’m used to be taken in the backdoor.”
12. “Kicking zebras are the number one cause of Lion concussions.”

For legal reasons I have no idea who this is referring to.

4. “The Gang Wins a Game”
13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11”

There were two 9/11 banners in fairly quick succession chronologically, so they hurt each other a bit, rather than towering above the field like some kind of, uh, twin towers. Yeah, that’s all I got.

On the bottom half of the bracket:

6. “The closed captioning on the bar tv just implied Janay Rice was hitting in the celebrity softball game. I thought it was the other way around.”
11. “I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.”

Gotta have a Janay Rice joke in there of course. And a Rivers pregnancy joke too!

3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?”
14. “Wow. I always knew AJ Green would snap and attack someone. But I always thought it would be Andy Dalton or Marvin Lewis.”

7. “if you take a bunch of tires, put them in a dumpster, and set them on fire, would you describe it as a dumpster fire or a tire fire, or should I just keep calling it the [Redacteds]?”
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.

And lastly…

2. “I’ll take one poster, a beer coozy, a bottle opener, and a pack of HRTN condoms – because nothing says ‘appropriate DFO branding’ like a condom named ‘Hard Ride to Nowhere.'”
15. “I have picked up and put down Infinite Jest so many times that I now have tennis elbow.”

And that will do it for the bracket previews! Tomorrow to celebrate the beginning of the tournament (and to help make it so it doesn’t go into April) there will be FOUR matchups going on, while most days will have two matchups. If you look to the sidebar on your right (the part that says “Updates Fly Open”), that’s where the polls’ll be. At least for the first couple rounds. Maybe as we get towards the endgame we’ll have it all in prime-time.

Let the madness begin!

Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
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blaxabbath

Written is coming back?

I’d make a super funny and witty quote about this but I’m sure “The Committee” (no doubt made up of MEN!) would just ignore it’s entire body of work and just settle for another Sonofspam groaner just because it’s got that black box next to it.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“‘The black box is what I call it when I’m slumming it! YEEEE HAWWWW!’ – Jerry Jones” — SonOfSpam, probably

blaxabbath

I don’t really care that they hotted up Maggie some more, I have zero interest in watching Whiskey Cavalier.

Horatio Cornblower

Strong 13 seed in this one. Committee has some answering to do for that draw.

Old School Zero

There’s a Phillip Rivers joke in there somewhere, but to find it I’d have to risk getting covered in catholic semen like a new kid at a Wednesday night youth group.

Redshirt

My comment about my lack of scoring didn’t get selected. Sounds about right.

Don T

THESE BRACKETS I CALL THEM A TRAVESTY BECAUSE 😢
DONT LOOK AT ME!!!😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Don T

JK Weaselo. Dynamite selection. Really brings out the sick in all of us.
*muttering Cabrón grabs crotch*

SonOfSpam

Capturing your banners as JPEGs is a good way to remember them

Wish I had that much hard drive space.

LemonJello
LemonJello

SoS, in his mirror every.single. morning.
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SonOfSpam

It’s actually closer to Dirk Diggler at the end of Boogie Nights.

Horatio Cornblower

Fake?

Horatio Cornblower

You can have one of mine.

They’re all going to get curb-stomped anyway while SonOfSpam pulls a Big East and goes 3/4 in the Final Four.

Wakezilla

As the fine print says on Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, “This contest is not for some areas, such as the Puerto Rico territories and Quebec.”

Beerguyrob

Welp, nothing from me. Looks like I’ll be one of the 50% that doesn’t vote in elections.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“And that’s the story of how Sill Bimmons won the DFO Banner Tournament.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Can I have you just sign this blank ballot then, it’s really just a formality, but we do need to follow the rules.”

Wakezilla

“Oh, there’s a few quotes that you should vote for. And if you don’t, that could affect your posting privileges, if you catch my drift.”

Wakezilla if he was a member of the Canadian Liberal Party.

WHY AREN’T THE NDP CAPITALISING ON THE SNC LAVELIN SCANDAL!?!

Old School Zero

I’m glad that the one I think I recognize as mine showed up in the BOLTMAN division, which may also explain why all of the birds in the neighborhood just dropped from the sky.

LemonJello
LemonJello

I am unreasonably giddy that I have an entry in Our Lord and Executioner’s Bracket!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Put it all in prime time!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also what Deion Sanders said the first time he tried pegging.

blaxabbath

I don’t think I’ve ever had a banner quote.

Screw you guys.

Game Time Decision

I didn’t plus 1 this comment to make fun of you, it’s in solidarity with you.
/currently accepting bribes for votes
//woohooo free ketchup
///hates ketchup

Redshirt

I wanted you to have a clear path to the Banner NIT title game. Oh, just read it. Blame the Banner Powers That Be.

Redshirt

Hey! I think I got two picks! One for sure.