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Prepping FOAR June – Last Regular Lesser Footy Thread of 2018-19

King Hippo

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Well, it was kind of fun.  Shit-ass Liverpool got pipped for the Prem title, thanks to their draw at Goodison Park.  I don’t like many of the results in the Champions League, but the action on the pitch has been pure Bananacakes (also, Come On, You Spurs!).  But all must come to an end.

France finished up its season Friday afternoon.  Huzzah to Lee Ann Reims for beating PSG in their home finale.  Yes, I bet on that.

Italy’s Serie A closes with 2 matches on Saturday, and 8 on Sunday.  Atalanta, Inter Milan, AC Milan, and Roma are in a scrum for places 3-6, with first two getting Champions League, bottom two settling for Europa.  None of them play each other, or any opponent that’s particularly good.  Though Empoli – who go to Inter – are in severe relegation danger, and really need to win.  Various and sundry ESPN+ broadcasts, I may get bored enough to watch one.

The main events are Cup finals – Bayern against Red Bull Leipzig (ESPN News, 2:00) and Valencia taking on Barca for the Copa del Rey crown (ESPN3 and ESPN Deportes, 3:00).  Probably each worth a look, though Bayern pretty well demolished the energy drink a few weeks ago.  I am more confident that Bayern has figured their shit out than I am Barca.  But Valencia is just so meh.  No bets placed…yet.

Our Young Boys close their season at home to Luzern (1:00), and I am out of jokes for them.  Already clinched first, up 20 points on 2nd.

But June?  June is where it’s at.  A happening so spectacular that Japan and even mighty Qatar…are switching fucking continents!  Balls will be here next week to provide all the juicy details.  Until then, keep cool and Stay Lesser.

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Wakezilla

Hijos de Batman’s season:

LA LIGA:
15th at almost half-way…then finish 4th.

EUROPE:
Out of Champions League in the group…then Europa League semi-finalists.

COPA:
Trailed ALL of Ebro, Sporting, Getafe & Betis…but end up WINNING THE THING BY BEATING BARCELONA.

1
Brick Meathook

Look at this crazy urinal:
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2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s got two thumbs and is stuck in church for the next hour plus?

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Your Mom?

2
scotchnaut

Philip Rivers?

2
herodotus450

Just gnaw off your arms below where they nailed em, then you’re free to go. Won’t have any thumbs no more though.

5
Brick Meathook

Yes but where are your thumbs?

3
King Hippo

how come you’re skin ain’t burning smh

2
scotchnaut

If you’re in the “I Don’t Want To Lose Weight” camp, you should follow my lead. Don’t go for a walk/run/hike, drink five beers and eat some pasta. I saw results immediately!

5
ballsofsteelandfury

That was a crazy finish.

2
King Hippo

WHAT A MATCH!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-LArv-sEQU

1
Don T

It’s nearing Questionable Penalty Time for Barcelona.

0
King Hippo

after the Messi fluffing over a motherfucking TAP IN? I wouldn’t be surprised.

0
Don T

Another poor “effort”. Tsk.

1
yeah right

A brag I would have made 30 years ago: “Dude, you should have seen this chick I was with last night.”

Today: “Dude, I downloaded an electronic coupon and got a bottle of Maker’s for 15 bucks!”

5
scotchnaut

Shout out to Gotye for introducing me to someone that I used to know-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg1J8pz64O4

4
King Hippo

Messi has made himself so invisible, you’d think the tax assessor was in the stadium.

5
ballsofsteelandfury

It’s not really his fault. He’s technically the center forward. They have no Suarez, so there is no one up top to open up space.

0
King Hippo

wha happen to Bitey?

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Surgery

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King Hippo

why didn’t y’all use Malcom in the middle?

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That is very funny.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– a forensic accountant looking into one of Messi’s bank transactions

2
King Hippo

I absolutely love this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRNYqsMIbg0

1
King Hippo

Is Barca getting violated? chuh fookin’ chuh

2
King Hippo

Jordi Alba having a shitty couple weeks, fo sho

0
ballsofsteelandfury

This may be a repeat of the Liverpool game.

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King Hippo

maybe you hire Valencia’s manager now? That’s what Bayern did last season

0
ballsofsteelandfury

I’m hearing perhaps the Betis manager…

0
scotchnaut

Woo! Canada heads to the gold medal game against Finland-and their best sniper-Simo Hayha-is listed as “Dead, not likely to play”. That’s totally cool beans as far as I’m concerned.

1
King Hippo

If our Swiss adopted side ever come close to being offside on a goal, I wonder if a commentator has ever proclaimed: Barely legal, Young Boys!

4
King Hippo

Let’s go Valley Girls!

/Barca made a Hippo Enemy 4 Lyf in the UCL semis

//FUCK, I thought of betting Valley Girls first half but did nae

2
King Hippo

now orange slice time in Spain!

2
scotchnaut

Adventures in Bartending Anecdote:

Michel Goulet: “Draft beer please.”

Me: [pouring] “Looking forward to two easy points tomorrow?” (Sens suck balls back then as they do now)

Goulet: [dead serious, like he’s trying to give me a ‘life lesson’] “There are no easy two points. Ever.” [turns away, returns to his table]

Me: Okay then

3
King Hippo

Oh, if it was Robert I could have done a full TV Funhouse routine.

1
Unsurprised

I spent two hours last night Binging Austin White videos, which is why I now have a one-hour compilation video of her best camsite moments. And they really are the best.

1
scotchnaut

Hey guys, the new euphemism for ‘masturbated angrily to’ is ‘binging’.

4
Unsurprised

That too, but I meant I used Bing because it’s way better at searching for porn than Google.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Good to know…

1
scotchnaut

I have acquired useful info today.

1
King Hippo

thanks, I may have run out of good “romantic lesbian” scenes on xvideos/Redtube

2
ballsofsteelandfury

I just have to say that I really enjoyed Lee Ann Reims

1
scotchnaut

Under-rated blowup doll for sure. I like to lose myself in Dolly Parton’s mountains when push comes to shove, er, thrust.

2
King Hippo

I mean, she finished 8th. That’s purty good for a newly promoted, American skank!

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Are we all getting ready for the Copa Del Rey final?!?

0
King Hippo

Now that the German match is done and dusted? Si!

1
scotchnaut

I’ve got Bologna/Napoli on air just below an 18 Year Old Salad Tossers PPV thingy!*

*this is not a lie

[keeps looking]

1
King Hippo

Oscar Meyer is smacking Nappy Head around pretty good. Nothing to play for.

0
scotchnaut

Adventures In Bartending Anecdote:

A noticeably bloated and drunk Sally Struthers did the flirting routine with me-the end goal being to score free drinks.

3
King Hippo

she may have just wanted to roast and eat you

1
King Hippo

Kimmich for Bayern gonna be the difference. He real good, y’all.

0
scotchnaut

Any word on how Kimchi is doing for FC Seoul?

3
King Hippo

pretty hot imo (don’t say that in front of Senor Weaselo)

1
ballsofsteelandfury

This comment is awesome.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Fun fact, Duke apparently benefits from bad refereeing in lacrosse, too.

To say nothing of terrible prosecutors!

3
King Hippo

hey, u order a hot WASP courtesan, u expect 2 get wut u pay 4 imogodbless

1
King Hippo

fuck a duck, Bayern keeper say Neuer, ja!

0
King Hippo

2-nil! Wankdorf loves it some Young Boys

1
Horatio Cornblower

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King Hippo

Things NOT to Google – whether they fans chant Come On Young Boys

1
King Hippo

Go energy drink team! #Entropy!!

2
scotchnaut

“Canada Scores Ten Seconds In!”*

*sounds about right

1
King Hippo

Mad respek, yo! – Rick P., Louisville, KY

3
scotchnaut

Time Marches On Anecdote:

I poured a coke for Jagr because he was too young to enjoy a beer with his teammates.

4
scotchnaut

/watching a bit of Canada/Czech Republic hockey

“47 year-old Jagr isn’t representing his country? Fucking slacker!”

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Ironically, I’m watching Czech porn.

Oooooh, just scored in the five hole.

2
scotchnaut

Czech Porn Interior Designer: “Did you like what I did with the bare walls? They’re really, really bare!”

Director: [sighs] “Would you just get the mop already? I don’t want to lose the cleaning deposit.”

0
scotchnaut

So this is how it ends-watching Nick Cage’s The Humanity Bureau and getting drunkish on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

1
scotchnaut

Yeah, it’s a precipitous drop from Raising Arizona and Leaving Las Vegas.

1
Horatio Cornblower

National Treasure is a guilty pleasure.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Barry, Maurice or Robin?
AND DON’T YOU DARE SAY BARRY!!!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wRM-t7wvF0

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

It was a trick question btw. The answer is of course, Andy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA6L8-lxaA8

1
scotchnaut

[swoons] I could swim in those dreamy eyes all day long!

0
Horatio Cornblower

Blind Hobo: “He’s not lying!”

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

He died young, but he did manage to nail Victoria Principal before he went out.

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2
theeWeeBabySeamus

I have a good friend who has an “unhealthy” attraction to Alex Morgan.
It has actually caused problems in his marriage at times.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!

Also, what wife?

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

The actual friend in question needs to be careful, or he’ll be saying “what wife?”.

And also “where did half of my shit go????”

2
Horatio Cornblower

I didn’t realize you know Moby.

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

So I went to bed at sunrise and woke up just before noon.
No red flags there, right?

1
Mr. Ayo

Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.

2
Unsurprised

Did someone mention Alex Morgan?

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Unsurprised

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2
Unsurprised

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1
ballsofsteelandfury

Now that’s an ass you can rely on!

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Yowza!!

2
Fronkenshteen

Going to a wedding today. An old friend and work colleague of both myself and my wife. Easter weekend, we were heading to the in-laws and passed Harrisonburg, which reminded me I hadn’t yet RSVP’d to him, so I decided to do it by text. He immediately responded that he was looking forward to seeing us, but wanted to let us know that his fiancée had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, but they were going ahead with the wedding as scheduled per “her wishes”, and he just didn’t want us to be alarmed when we meet her. This is going to be a hell of a thing.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow. That is rough.

0
yeah right

That’s also inspirational as fuck.
Best wishes to them both.

3
herodotus450

Registry at The Mayo Clinic htanks and god bles
/Would prefer the mayonnaise clinic myself

2
Don T

I’m in love.
With “Mad Men”.
I apologize for being all “Will these fucking people SHADDAP about [fill in show]” when it aired.
People smokin and drinking at all times everywhere? Adults hitting their neighbor’s kids for being loud AND that’s OK with the dad?! The patriarchy starts showing cracks! Joan seen walking away in every episode!!!
Just started season 4. It’s love.

5
Horatio Cornblower

The problem I had with that show was that I binged all but the last season straight, and got really tired of the “Don does something dumb, the agency’s in trouble, Don’s brilliant last minute gambit saves the firm”, wash, rinse, and repeat formula.

But on an individual, episode-by-episode basis, it’s some of the best TV ever.

4
Don T

IMHO so far: The dialogue is dynamite. The situations are interesting. The show is about adult shit, and feels more authentic than nostalgic. And I may go full fanboi when Bert Cooper comes on.

4
King Hippo

there is NO SUBSTITUTE for good writing

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[furrows brow]

– Michael Bay

4
Unsurprised

Michael Bay, Zack Snyder, and Tarsem Singh were all in the Wesleyan film program at the same time. So this means that Connecticut needs to be razed and the earth salted.

We’ll relocate Horatio to a nice farm upstate or something.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Wesleyan is something we could all do without, but there is a really good bar within walking/staggering distance of campus, and a diner across the street that makes some of the best, and unhealthiest, breakfasts you’re ever likely to have.

In short, we’ll call it a draw.

The bar:
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The diner:

http://ncarchitects.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/diner11.jpg

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My senior prom was actually at Wesleyan. No, I did not lose my virginity there.

0
King Hippo

just so stylish, and Don (a #BFIB!!) put the fun back in functional alcoholic. The British guy’s ahem…necktie episode (hey, he’s the lead physicist in Chernobyl!!). How it accurately portrayed Rockefeller Republicanism.

Don’t even get me started on Mrs. Draper the 2nd…

3
Unsurprised

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2
Unsurprised

It’s not as fun after the first season, maybe the second.

0
Unsurprised

It’s still a great show, though, but you don’t get as much overt “Holy shit, the sixties were problematic” stuff.

0
yeah right

My favorite part was recognizing the ads. As a kid from the 60’s the show just resonated with me. In some cases I could tell the finished ad before they were done working on it.

0
litre_cola

8:46 1st bourbon of the day. Don’t judge I have been up 5 hours.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[doesn’t judge]

– Blackout Brett Kavanaugh

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

grumble grumble ‘sup baby?
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2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The real question is how someone managed to break into Bill Belichick’s attic.

2
Don T

The answer is: cheat, make your living in the grey areas, be equally driven and joyless.

4
Unsurprised

That’s really the only comfort: for all his success, he always has been and will die being a perpetually joyless and miserable bastard.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Me, pulling up a chair when estranged relatives show up for the Memorial Day gathering:
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2
scotchnaut

“I Have The Higher Ground!”

-Horatio

1
Horatio Cornblower

“We should charge downhill into the enemy’s superior numbers.”
-Jon Snow

3
Unsurprised

The dumbest man in Westeros. God, I hated him.

2
Horatio Cornblower

As god is my witness I will never understand what is going on in a rugby match.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It not nearly as complicated as the NFL, I assure you.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Spent all yesterday driving roughly 550 miles to spend 4 hours at a cousin’s “going to a service academy for college” party. Would prefer not to see the inside of a car for the rest of the weekend.

Naturally we have two more parties to get through. I tell ya, it’s hell to be popular.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think my wife and I will have to head to Orange County for a graduation party for some kid. The last party these folks threw had Eddie Money as the entertainment, so it will probably be worth the trip.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Guess that explains why Eddie wasn’t in Syracuse yesterday.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He was about as mentally competent as our current Turd-in-Chief, but not nearly as garrulous. Nice enough man, though, and put on a good show.

1
scotchnaut

Would really like to get a run/hike/long walk out of the way but it’s raining. [thinks to self, ‘I should buy a rainslick’*]

*has thought that at least 6/7 times before and will fail to act on that yet again

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“They’ll never catch me…because I’m so slick!” – scotchnaut, until Johnny Smith catches up to him

2
ballsofsteelandfury

One thing that we also need to discuss is the Women’s World Cup!

0
King Hippo

No Kaylyn Kyle? No Hippo interest

0
herodotus450

No Alex Morgan? NO INTEREST.
comment image?width=534&height=712&fit=crop

2
scotchnaut

She just reeks of the ‘wholesome, girl next door’ type.

1
scotchnaut

Yes! The Canada is competent, nay, relevant here. So I will cheer.

[looks at their first round opponents] “The Netherlands, Cameroon and New Zealand-omg they’re in ‘The Group of Meh?’!

1
King Hippo

Kaylyn Kyle is apparently broadcasting for TSN now, y’all lucky.

/if I ship a severed ear up Canadia way, will you give to her from Hippo?

3
scotchnaut

Done. And don’t worry about anything, that hobo will do fine with just the one ear.

5
Ian Scott McCormick

Netflix’s What/If is described as an Ayn Rand-ian psycho sexual drama, and I find that problematic, because I assume it implies that I’m in some celebrity couple relationship with Ayn Rand. And she. Is. Gross.

4
King Hippo

Possible FF name – Boning Ayn Rand’s Corpse

2
Horatio Cornblower

You have Paul Ryan’s attention.

3
scotchnaut

So this weird fantasy novel Perdido Street Station book-

A woman (not a central protagonist, just a throwaway reference) is convicted of shaking her baby until it passes away. The judge sentences her to having the dead infant’s arms grafted onto the mother’s forehead so that she and others coming into contact with her are perpetually reminded of her crime for the rest of her life.

I’ll finish the book but it’s a bit of a rough read here and there-godawful graphic and disturbing shit just comes up out of nowhere…

1
King Hippo

Look, if the “nightmare fuel index” is higher than The Road – there just ain’t no way I am getting through it.

The Road is a personal favourite, though.

1
rockingdog

found a funny:
the krassenstein brothers solemnly plug their index fingers into each others belly buttons and disappear, leaving two empty piles of clothes

2
litre_cola

This is bullshit. Decilitre gets up at 4 and there is no footy. Fuck.

1
King Hippo

you need to see about getting him a factory job for the summer (smh)

3
litre_cola

I am taking early duty as there is footy here today in rain land and I will be drinking most of the day.

0
King Hippo

shall look for y’all on LiveBet crack-line, once again

0
Don T

Map don’t lie
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8
King Hippo

imagine how many slaves were needed to swim Qatar over, then fix it in place!

4
litre_cola

So that is why there are so many Japanese in Chile and Peru.

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