Prepping FOAR June – Last Regular Lesser Footy Thread of 2018-19

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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Well, it was kind of fun.  Shit-ass Liverpool got pipped for the Prem title, thanks to their draw at Goodison Park.  I don’t like many of the results in the Champions League, but the action on the pitch has been pure Bananacakes (also, Come On, You Spurs!).  But all must come to an end.

France finished up its season Friday afternoon.  Huzzah to Lee Ann Reims for beating PSG in their home finale.  Yes, I bet on that.

Italy’s Serie A closes with 2 matches on Saturday, and 8 on Sunday.  Atalanta, Inter Milan, AC Milan, and Roma are in a scrum for places 3-6, with first two getting Champions League, bottom two settling for Europa.  None of them play each other, or any opponent that’s particularly good.  Though Empoli – who go to Inter – are in severe relegation danger, and really need to win.  Various and sundry ESPN+ broadcasts, I may get bored enough to watch one.

The main events are Cup finals – Bayern against Red Bull Leipzig (ESPN News, 2:00) and Valencia taking on Barca for the Copa del Rey crown (ESPN3 and ESPN Deportes, 3:00).  Probably each worth a look, though Bayern pretty well demolished the energy drink a few weeks ago.  I am more confident that Bayern has figured their shit out than I am Barca.  But Valencia is just so meh.  No bets placed…yet.

Our Young Boys close their season at home to Luzern (1:00), and I am out of jokes for them.  Already clinched first, up 20 points on 2nd.

But June?  June is where it’s at.  A happening so spectacular that Japan and even mighty Qatar…are switching fucking continents!  Balls will be here next week to provide all the juicy details.  Until then, keep cool and Stay Lesser.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Wakezilla

Hijos de Batman’s season:

LA LIGA:
15th at almost half-way…then finish 4th.

EUROPE:
Out of Champions League in the group…then Europa League semi-finalists.

COPA:
Trailed ALL of Ebro, Sporting, Getafe & Betis…but end up WINNING THE THING BY BEATING BARCELONA.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Look at this crazy urinal:
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ALXMAC
ALXMAC

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s got two thumbs and is stuck in church for the next hour plus?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Your Mom?

scotchnaut

Philip Rivers?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Just gnaw off your arms below where they nailed em, then you’re free to go. Won’t have any thumbs no more though.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Yes but where are your thumbs?

scotchnaut

If you’re in the “I Don’t Want To Lose Weight” camp, you should follow my lead. Don’t go for a walk/run/hike, drink five beers and eat some pasta. I saw results immediately!

ballsofsteelandfury

That was a crazy finish.

Don T

It’s nearing Questionable Penalty Time for Barcelona.

yeah right

A brag I would have made 30 years ago: “Dude, you should have seen this chick I was with last night.”

Today: “Dude, I downloaded an electronic coupon and got a bottle of Maker’s for 15 bucks!”

scotchnaut

Shout out to Gotye for introducing me to someone that I used to know-

scotchnaut

Woo! Canada heads to the gold medal game against Finland-and their best sniper-Simo Hayha-is listed as “Dead, not likely to play”. That’s totally cool beans as far as I’m concerned.

scotchnaut

Adventures in Bartending Anecdote:

Michel Goulet: “Draft beer please.”

Me: [pouring] “Looking forward to two easy points tomorrow?” (Sens suck balls back then as they do now)

Goulet: [dead serious, like he’s trying to give me a ‘life lesson’] “There are no easy two points. Ever.” [turns away, returns to his table]

Me: Okay then

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I spent two hours last night Binging Austin White videos, which is why I now have a one-hour compilation video of her best camsite moments. And they really are the best.

scotchnaut

Hey guys, the new euphemism for ‘masturbated angrily to’ is ‘binging’.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That too, but I meant I used Bing because it’s way better at searching for porn than Google.

ballsofsteelandfury

Good to know…

scotchnaut

I have acquired useful info today.

ballsofsteelandfury

I just have to say that I really enjoyed Lee Ann Reims

scotchnaut

Under-rated blowup doll for sure. I like to lose myself in Dolly Parton’s mountains when push comes to shove, er, thrust.

ballsofsteelandfury

Are we all getting ready for the Copa Del Rey final?!?

scotchnaut

I’ve got Bologna/Napoli on air just below an 18 Year Old Salad Tossers PPV thingy!*

*this is not a lie

[keeps looking]

scotchnaut

Adventures In Bartending Anecdote:

A noticeably bloated and drunk Sally Struthers did the flirting routine with me-the end goal being to score free drinks.

Horatio Cornblower

Fun fact, Duke apparently benefits from bad refereeing in lacrosse, too.

To say nothing of terrible prosecutors!

scotchnaut

“Canada Scores Ten Seconds In!”*

*sounds about right

scotchnaut

Time Marches On Anecdote:

I poured a coke for Jagr because he was too young to enjoy a beer with his teammates.

scotchnaut

/watching a bit of Canada/Czech Republic hockey

“47 year-old Jagr isn’t representing his country? Fucking slacker!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ironically, I’m watching Czech porn.

Oooooh, just scored in the five hole.

scotchnaut

Czech Porn Interior Designer: “Did you like what I did with the bare walls? They’re really, really bare!”

Director: [sighs] “Would you just get the mop already? I don’t want to lose the cleaning deposit.”

rockingdog
rockingdog
scotchnaut

So this is how it ends-watching Nick Cage’s The Humanity Bureau and getting drunkish on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

scotchnaut

Yeah, it’s a precipitous drop from Raising Arizona and Leaving Las Vegas.

Horatio Cornblower

National Treasure is a guilty pleasure.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Barry, Maurice or Robin?
AND DON’T YOU DARE SAY BARRY!!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

It was a trick question btw. The answer is of course, Andy.

scotchnaut

[swoons] I could swim in those dreamy eyes all day long!

Horatio Cornblower

Blind Hobo: “He’s not lying!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

He died young, but he did manage to nail Victoria Principal before he went out.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have a good friend who has an “unhealthy” attraction to Alex Morgan.
It has actually caused problems in his marriage at times.

ballsofsteelandfury

I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!

Also, what wife?

theeWeeBabySeamus

The actual friend in question needs to be careful, or he’ll be saying “what wife?”.

And also “where did half of my shit go????”

Horatio Cornblower

I didn’t realize you know Moby.

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

So I went to bed at sunrise and woke up just before noon.
No red flags there, right?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Did someone mention Alex Morgan?

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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ballsofsteelandfury

Now that’s an ass you can rely on!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yowza!!

Fronkenshteen

Going to a wedding today. An old friend and work colleague of both myself and my wife. Easter weekend, we were heading to the in-laws and passed Harrisonburg, which reminded me I hadn’t yet RSVP’d to him, so I decided to do it by text. He immediately responded that he was looking forward to seeing us, but wanted to let us know that his fiancée had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, but they were going ahead with the wedding as scheduled per “her wishes”, and he just didn’t want us to be alarmed when we meet her. This is going to be a hell of a thing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow. That is rough.

yeah right

That’s also inspirational as fuck.
Best wishes to them both.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Registry at The Mayo Clinic htanks and god bles
/Would prefer the mayonnaise clinic myself

Don T

I’m in love.
With “Mad Men”.
I apologize for being all “Will these fucking people SHADDAP about [fill in show]” when it aired.
People smokin and drinking at all times everywhere? Adults hitting their neighbor’s kids for being loud AND that’s OK with the dad?! The patriarchy starts showing cracks! Joan seen walking away in every episode!!!
Just started season 4. It’s love.

Horatio Cornblower

The problem I had with that show was that I binged all but the last season straight, and got really tired of the “Don does something dumb, the agency’s in trouble, Don’s brilliant last minute gambit saves the firm”, wash, rinse, and repeat formula.

But on an individual, episode-by-episode basis, it’s some of the best TV ever.

Don T

IMHO so far: The dialogue is dynamite. The situations are interesting. The show is about adult shit, and feels more authentic than nostalgic. And I may go full fanboi when Bert Cooper comes on.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s not as fun after the first season, maybe the second.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s still a great show, though, but you don’t get as much overt “Holy shit, the sixties were problematic” stuff.

yeah right

My favorite part was recognizing the ads. As a kid from the 60’s the show just resonated with me. In some cases I could tell the finished ad before they were done working on it.

litre_cola

8:46 1st bourbon of the day. Don’t judge I have been up 5 hours.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[doesn’t judge]

– Blackout Brett Kavanaugh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

grumble grumble ‘sup baby?
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The real question is how someone managed to break into Bill Belichick’s attic.

Don T

The answer is: cheat, make your living in the grey areas, be equally driven and joyless.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That’s really the only comfort: for all his success, he always has been and will die being a perpetually joyless and miserable bastard.

Horatio Cornblower

Me, pulling up a chair when estranged relatives show up for the Memorial Day gathering:
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scotchnaut

“I Have The Higher Ground!”

-Horatio

Horatio Cornblower

“We should charge downhill into the enemy’s superior numbers.”
-Jon Snow

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The dumbest man in Westeros. God, I hated him.

Horatio Cornblower

As god is my witness I will never understand what is going on in a rugby match.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It not nearly as complicated as the NFL, I assure you.

Horatio Cornblower

Spent all yesterday driving roughly 550 miles to spend 4 hours at a cousin’s “going to a service academy for college” party. Would prefer not to see the inside of a car for the rest of the weekend.

Naturally we have two more parties to get through. I tell ya, it’s hell to be popular.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think my wife and I will have to head to Orange County for a graduation party for some kid. The last party these folks threw had Eddie Money as the entertainment, so it will probably be worth the trip.

Horatio Cornblower

Guess that explains why Eddie wasn’t in Syracuse yesterday.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He was about as mentally competent as our current Turd-in-Chief, but not nearly as garrulous. Nice enough man, though, and put on a good show.

scotchnaut

Would really like to get a run/hike/long walk out of the way but it’s raining. [thinks to self, ‘I should buy a rainslick’*]

*has thought that at least 6/7 times before and will fail to act on that yet again

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“They’ll never catch me…because I’m so slick!” – scotchnaut, until Johnny Smith catches up to him

ballsofsteelandfury

One thing that we also need to discuss is the Women’s World Cup!

scotchnaut

Yes! The Canada is competent, nay, relevant here. So I will cheer.

[looks at their first round opponents] “The Netherlands, Cameroon and New Zealand-omg they’re in ‘The Group of Meh?’!

Ian Scott McCormick

Netflix’s What/If is described as an Ayn Rand-ian psycho sexual drama, and I find that problematic, because I assume it implies that I’m in some celebrity couple relationship with Ayn Rand. And she. Is. Gross.

scotchnaut

So this weird fantasy novel Perdido Street Station book-

A woman (not a central protagonist, just a throwaway reference) is convicted of shaking her baby until it passes away. The judge sentences her to having the dead infant’s arms grafted onto the mother’s forehead so that she and others coming into contact with her are perpetually reminded of her crime for the rest of her life.

I’ll finish the book but it’s a bit of a rough read here and there-godawful graphic and disturbing shit just comes up out of nowhere…

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
the krassenstein brothers solemnly plug their index fingers into each others belly buttons and disappear, leaving two empty piles of clothes

litre_cola

This is bullshit. Decilitre gets up at 4 and there is no footy. Fuck.

Don T

Map don’t lie
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litre_cola

So that is why there are so many Japanese in Chile and Peru.