Your “So Ya Wanna Watch Some Footsy, Eh?” Saturday Morning Open Thread

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. There are far more knowledgeable soccer doofuses that should be doing this but I volunteered and y’all gonna bathe in my ignorance.

Nether Regions/Roger Milla’s Granddaughters:

Cameroon played surprisingly well vs. the Canucks last time out (or were the Canucks just a little too tight?) by employing a tight shell on D and showing surprising speed on the wings. Look for more of that against a team that I know nothing about.

Poutine Suckers/Nuke Zeeland:

Christine Sinclair-score a goal, dag nabit! Ya gotta pass that glory girl Abby Wombatshername. Look out for Desiree Scott, she’s the pluckiest defender that ever defended and she’s built like a fire hydrant, sorta.

Welp, that’s all on the soccer front today so… Kidding! There’s the Copa Cabanas, CONCACALF, (the lowliest of soccer’s international federations-after all it includes the Canadian men’s team. Watch them draw/lose to fucking Martinique for Christ’s sake), some African Friendlies and a shit-ton of Euro Qualifiers.

Also, thar be golf and tennis and baseball and intermittent masturbation. Really, something for every boy and girl to partake in!

So come one, come all with your witty observations, your dry sense of humour, your recounting of your activities in the real world, (ugh, real world) and what have you.

Let’s Punch That Ticket!*

*or that old lady in the express aisle at the grocery store fishing for the exact change “what was that total again?” [reaches into change purse, immediately forgets total, asks again, reaches back into purse, forgets again, I let out audible sigh because I’m a jackass that thinks his time is valuable]

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King Hippo

Davison Sanchez is a REALLY good footballer. Best player on the pitch so far.

litre_cola

This is a shit game. Teh womenfolks games are more entertaining.

ballsofsteelandfury

They actually are

ballsofsteelandfury

That was almost a classic Argie fuckup.

King Hippo

you might think their boots were covered in syrup or sommet

King Hippo

perhaps it’s just Pirate Sounds’ strategy to conserve energy for the second half

King Hippo

Messi just standing around, daydreaming of his favourite tax shelters.

Don T

Like the biggest cancer hospital for chilluns. Chilluns!
/convulses with Internet indignation

ballsofsteelandfury

Although I love Messi, it’s always fun to see the Argies trip over their own dicks.

King Hippo

I’m with you aside from the “love Messi” part.

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, soy culé y me gustan los culos. What can I say?

King Hippo

Let’s hope HEM-ez is on fire with passion and love.

King Hippo

Los Donkeyfuckers need to let someone else take the next corner, Christ.

King Hippo

Pirate Sounds have sooooooo many faux-hard men out there

Mr. Ayo

Bad ESPN. The no commentator coverage is way better.

King Hippo

first match went like 18′ before commentators finished their smoke break

Don T

There might be blood.

King Hippo

hey, my hopes were high enough already smh

King Hippo

Yerry Mina gets the start, good omen seeing as Evertonian starters are undefeated this torneo.

King Hippo

Pirate Sounds v. Los Donkeyfuckers, aqui y ahora!!

King Hippo

Balls really has to double take when he hears nice ass tonite!!

King Hippo

esta usted ready to trip over yo’ dick, Messi??

King Hippo

c’mon, corrupt(er) petro-state!

King Hippo

merde, now 2nd place in the group will come down to who gets the shit kicked out of them less by Brasil

Don T

Juan Guaidó declares 0-0 victory. Yale alum at Rand Corporation gives thoughtful nod.

ballsofsteelandfury

On the bright side, Leon goes down easy…

ballsofsteelandfury

I need New Zealand to hang on these last few minutes so I can score some points in the weird pool we’re doing.

litre_cola

I haz 2 nil too!

ballsofsteelandfury

Nice! Maybe we can challenge Don T…

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy shit, Leon for Canada is a smokeshow!

ballsofsteelandfury

Awww, Beckie is leaving!

King Hippo

holy Jeebus, Peru is cursed!!

Mr. Ayo

The got a case of the Cody Parker’s.

King Hippo

NAILED IT!!

Mr. Ayo

lol Peru

nomonkeyfun

I would expect 13 to give better head when women are involved.

King Hippo

keep waiting for this as a walk-out-of-tunnel song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRNh1yX5AuM

King Hippo

Peru is gonna have a national heart attack

King Hippo

So many ded on the pitch in each match! Viva el violencia!!

ballsofsteelandfury

Right? So many stretchers!

King Hippo

wait until the REAL rivalry matches start!

ballsofsteelandfury

Perv dilemma:

I’m watching Peru-Venezuela on one screen and Canada-New Zealand on the other. A player in white may be on the ground and I may say, “Nice ass” and I won’t know which game I’m watching.

King Hippo

Peru has a well-tanned Trent Green on the pitch, is uncomfortable even for the commentators.

/also multi-screening

ballsofsteelandfury

She really is

nomonkeyfun

But does she have that gooood hair?

ballsofsteelandfury

Perv idea: If the New Zealand-Canada game ends in a tie, we have a 15 minute fluffy pillow fight to decide the winner.

ballsofsteelandfury

The girl who just broke her wrist is named Bott.

I like her.

Mr. Ayo

You don’t play soccer with your wrist! Get back out there!

ballsofsteelandfury

The New Zealand goalie is hot and her name is Nayler.

Sometimes it’s too easy to be a perv…

ballsofsteelandfury

Just checking in to see if anyone had made the obligatory “Oh My God, Beckie! Look at that butt!” joke.

Carry on.

Also, the New Zealanders are a good looking squad!

blaxabbath

So we’re (me as my wife rolls her eyes) getting blaxito patches for his backpack of places we travel. So he’s got his Orange County, Rte 66, and Meteor Crater patches so far. I took them to get sewn on (I don’t trust iron-on adhesive) and they’re $6/ea AND won’t be ready til Friday.

I gotta get in the sewing business.

blaxabbath

Oh! And it’s prepay!

blaxabbath

AND THEY CHARGE TO USE A CARD!

Don T

Go nail gun.

ballsofsteelandfury

Stupid question: you don’t know how to sew?

Who cares if it’s sewn tightly? Blaxito is 1. He ain’t care.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus, it’s just patches, dude. It would take you fifteen minutes to sew yourself, and you’d learn something new.

Unsurprised

I love whenever Jared Leto gets fucked up.

blaxabbath

It means RUSSIA has a good young core.

ballsofsteelandfury

This

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes, but the lack of good coaching at the next age group could derail them.

That’s usually what happens to countries that win the U tourneys.

Wakezilla

If the stars align, it means they’ll likely be a tough out in the 2024 Euros and 2026 World Cup. But as others have said, money could be an issue down the road, same as politics. The development of young men becomes such a stupid political tool that it causes many countries to trip on their stupidity and causes them to lose a generation that could have been great.

/Glares over at Hungary

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus H. Christ my body is in tatters right now. I am afraid to do laudry because I won’t be able to hang it, or even move the wet clothes to the drier without serious pain.

Wakezilla

The worst thing about the US women’s beatdown of Thailand (aside from Kylyn Kyle’s death threats), is that when it got to 8-0, none of Thailand’s players started to tackle for torn ACLs.

SMH. If they were men, we’d crucify them for that

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m watching (sort of) Deep Blue Sea 2. And the shark is getting started up.

But the funny part to me, and remember I’m a horrible person….. Is that the black guy looks like he knows he’s the black guy and is the next to get eaten.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oooops somehow they all ended up in the water while I was typing that.
Probably the black guy’s fault.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK seriously. We now have 3 lucky white people in an inflatable dingy sitting still like the genetically engineered shark isn’t about to come eat them.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, stupid ending.
Time for Terminator Salvation.

Unsurprised

The black guy WAS the shark!?!

yeah right

Youngest right and littlest right are coming up from San Diego for a visit today. Looks like I’m headed downtown again. Probably do the Science Center, rose garden, natural history museum thing then to Chinatown for…
Yang Chow!

There will be slippery shrimp!
Oh yes.

Wakezilla

Fun fact: Slippery Shrimp is Robert Kraft’s nickname at the Asian Massage Parlours

King Hippo

How’s this for a badass name? I am tracking a Lithuanian match (HAIL GAMBLOR) and my side just got a goal from a fucker named Ovidijus Verbickas.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Try and name a better rock n roll song featuring the bagpipes.
Go ahead and try….but you can’t.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNv52sFZx5k

King Hippo

In A Big Country ,, obvs

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh shit, forgot that one.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gotta side with AC/DC on this one.

Wakezilla

This Canadian women’s side is pissing me off with how they never look good, but just good enough to win their matches. This has been a problem for about 4 + years. At some point the media has to call them out on it. Or they could at least get one emphatic win.

King Hippo

They miss Kaylyn Kyle badly. OK, Hippo misses Kaylyn Kyle badly.

Wakezilla

They definitely could use her as a veteran sub.

Fronkenshteen

Having seen most of the teams play only once, my completely uninformed pick to win the WWC is England.

litre_cola

Raging hangover, at work, urge to kill dumbasses rising.

Fronkenshteen

Oof. Condolences. Fill a giant travel mug with iced Pedialyte and go to sleep under your desk.

litre_cola

I wish. Have to tell eejits what to do.

Fronkenshteen

Hmmm. Can’t seem to upload GIFs anymore.

King Hippo

the Pedialyte thing is a good alkie trick. I hate that I learned it so late in my liver’s life.

Wakezilla

More so than Gatorade?

King Hippo

oh yes, Gatorade was the college remedy, followed by Red Bull + Vicodin. Pedialyte puts them all to shame.

Unsurprised

Isn’t it because Pedialyte doesn’t have all the extra sugar Gatorade has or something?

ballsofsteelandfury

Who knew that scotchy was a secret soccer lover?

Great job!

Unsurprised

Just don’t ask what the balls are made from.

King Hippo

#HoboSkin4TehWin!

Unsurprised

It’s just the right combination of tough yet pliant.

King Hippo

this guy gets it!!

Unsurprised

Portland is an excellent laboratory because there is always plenty of test subjects.

King Hippo

and the booboo on the counter! We’ve gone bananacakes!!

King Hippo

yup, super cross and header. Stern-even-FOAR-Dutch coach still looks stern.

King Hippo

and no doubt, the Cameroon supporters are who you want to party with!

King Hippo

Lovely previews! Would be nice for the Afrikan side to get one over on the slave traders.