DFO Open House

 

/sets up sign outside

//takes fresh baked cookies out of oven and puts them on a rack to cool

/// puts out punch and pie

Oh, Hi there!  Didn’t expect you so early.  No, please, come in and take a look around!

(newcomer eyes place suspiciously)

Let me tell you a little bit about the place.  It’s in a new neighborhood but built in the old style.  Classic, some call it.

What’s that?  Yes, it has plenty of bathrooms both upstairs and downstairs.  Feel free.

////waits for thirty five minutes

Hi, I hope that was a good one!  As I was saying, this lovely place carries on the style of the old place while not necessarily copying its features.  You know how in the movies they put a disclaimer that the movie was “inspired by” real events?  Yeah, something like that.

Oh, that’s ok, I’ve got a vacuum for that.  No worries.

Let me show you around a bit.  There may be some features here that seem familiar to you and some that are brand new.  Over here in this corner, we have the Bud Winston Room.  He’s a fun old-time sportswriter/rascal that likes to cover the NFL from time to time and provide his own unique take.

If you look to the left. we have the kitchen or as we like to call it, the Sunday Gravy room. Boy, if I could tell you the delicious things that have come out of there!  Just amazing.

If we keep going further out, there is a little room off to the side that is dedicated to the AFL.  I don’t know either, but it seems like there was one boring summer and all things Australian became interesting.  Check it out, it’s kinda cute and kitchy and the ladies might like the men in tight shorts jumping around.  Or men too, for that matter.

If you step outside, mind the step, you get to the porch, or the Drinkin’ Stoop, if you will.  Here, we can sit around what seems like all afternoon and long into the evening sipping on beverages, shooting the shit, and generally just enjoying life. If you will notice, the Stoop goes around the corner, so you have another spot here and here and here.

Now I don’t want you to think we’re just a bunch of alcoholics around here. Let’s go back inside the screen door and we get to the Library.  It’s growing every day!

The last room in the first level is the Music Room.  Here you can rock out with your cock out, as the kids like to say.  Oh, they don’t say that?  Um, never mind.

Now we head upstairs and that’s where everyone’s bedrooms are.  Each person has decorated their room in their own individual manner and with their own unique taste.

And now we get to the top floor.  Now, I ask you, what does every new place need?  A Sexy Friday Room of course!  With a view!

There is also a Karaoke Room for those that like to sing along with the words.

And how can I forget the Puzzle Room?  It’s great to enjoy the view while you’re working out your brain!

The great thing about this place is that it has room to grow!  We just recently added the 9 Circles room!  Looks good, doesn’t it?  And yes, we can grow some more.

You know there is much more, but I’ve got to put those cookies in the jar.  Feel free to walk around and let me know if you need anything, okay?

Great to have you here!

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ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
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Wakezilla

What? No CFL coverage here? But Canadian balls are bigger!

Big Black Richard

Any chance we can get Ape over here as a kommenter? I don’t want him to feel like we’re pressing him to create kontent, but I’d love to have him over here to hang out. Actually, the same goes for Sarah, or Maj, or PFTC, or……..hell, almost any of the previous KSK writers. Almost any of them.

Speaking of which, how much do you wanna bet that Uproxx hires Johnny Sugar to be the new editor at KSK?

Cuntler

WHO ARE ALL THESE NEW PEOPLE?

Can someone put together a KSK username to DFO username table so I know who to ignore?

WCS

My name is Mr. Redienhcs Selrahc Mailliw.

Duchess

DFO – Duchess
KSK- Duchess fka Codename: Duchess

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Stabby Pants

I had spent the entire offseason accumulating horribly inappropriate gifs, videos, and high test alcohol for use in Rive Brogs, and I’m damned well going to use them.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m the KSK user formerly known as Horatio Cornblower.

This is actually a good idea. Some of you fuckers changed your names.

sunrisesunrise

I am the lurker formally known as BRuth. Rarely said anything at KSK and if I did, it wasn’t funny. Hope to do better here.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Can you set an “ignore”?

Lothar of the Hill People

I dunno… somehow I was able to change my WordPress ID to match my KSK username, so there’s no confusion.

Not that it’s important to know who I am.

I wonder how many unique Kommenters KSK had, and how many will show here.

I hope the answer to both is “lots.” 95%+ of the assholes who posted at KSK were good people.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Please don’t tell Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes …..

wardonkey

Can’t a guy stop kommenting for 6 months and have everything be the exact same when he comes back? Holy shit.

Covalent Blonde

Welcome to the Good Ship Dick Joke Express!

Off seasons are tough. JPP knows your pain.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait
Sharkbait
Senor Weaselo

Hmm, I feel like I’ve seen this house before… you said this definitely isn’t the old Garrard compound, right?

WCS

Just so you know, I’ve already smeared feces on most of the third floor windows, let the ocelot loose on the second floor, and I WILL be torching the couch at some point.
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QrRMchL_ctg/maxresdefault.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Dude, no third floor (you think we can afford that shit?); whose house ARE you in?

Covalent Blonde

Well, it used to have a third floor. We got for a steal from the Rivera family.
http://wjzy.images.worldnow.com/images/6358898_G.jpg

Old School Zero

Sorry about the carpet.

Sharkbait

*Knocks*

So…I’m here for the gangbang…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is a problem kid in the neighborhood.

http://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m687vhHNis1r2bwdmo1_500.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry, my dog has to sniff everyone’s crotch.

/lives vicariously through dog.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/6fb13a48907b7d65f79a07afdc9c5ebe/tumblr_nhlytoREfQ1rvsh0oo1_1280.jpg

Brick Meathook
Horatio Cornblower

I’m supposed to be painting the house but I cannot stop watching this.

Steven D

Hi there.

Used to be known as Welkah’s Coming back at the website that shall not be mentioned.

I also post under this name on Daily Kos and Booman Tribune.

Yeah, I’m a communist. Anyone have any problem with that?

I thought not.

Oh, and

FOOK UPROXX!!!

King Hippo

Komrade! You might enjoy Uncle Joe Stalin’s Glorious Plans for NFL, da?

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/wp/index.php/2015/07/02/dictatorial-proclamations-for-a-more-glorious-nfl/

Steven D

Sounds good to me, Tovarish!

Ps. Broncos fan long time (Steve Tensi and Floyd Little days) byt sadly can no longer be Welkah, cuz he’s done. I never want to see him again in pads, unless an alligator is eating his legs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Where is the sponsors room? I can’t feel funny unless I’m taking a shot at businesses that should feel protected by an editorial staff.

Covalent Blonde

Well, don’t let the unquiet stop there! DFO really turns the 4:1 advert-to-content square footage ratio on its head!

Oh boy, i can’t wait to think of ways to get the rest of you evicted and have the house to myself.

Doktor Zymm

Cookies are good, bacon cheeseburger pizza is better.

King Hippo

Leftover buffalo chili? ADEQUATE!

Cuntler

Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza: the perfect meal for a fat person who can’t decide.

Duchess
Spanky Datass

Weren’t the ’80s just madness?!?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjPJohh8lOc

Brick Meathook
CBQUE

Glad we’re all together again. Oh BTW FUCK YOU UPROXX!! No I will not let this shit go.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Yes you will. Yes, we lost our quirky fun girlfriend to a car accident. But now we have a NEW quirky fun girlfriend. Who does anal.

Horatio Cornblower

And lives in Niagara Falls.

Brick Meathook
scotchnaut

“You know what this house needs? A locker-that way it would feel more like a home.”

-Horatio

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I hear Shonn Greene may be able to help you with that.

Horatio Cornblower

Probably should have told them that I buried a dog on the premises.

Covalent Blonde

Why is it that Horatio’s horrible, gut-wrenching pain always causes me laugh so hard I start to wheeze like Snidley Whiplash?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would ask that nobody goes digging anywhere around the north gate….

there is….. a…..

Sprinkler line there, yeah, that’s it a sprinkler line.

laserguru

And let your cookie dough come up to room temperature before baking and they will spread out better.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

True with frozen bodies also.

laserguru

I like it here. Daddy used to beat me at the old house.

Covalent Blonde

Oo. I’m not sure we have a “crippled childhood” room here. Luckily your dad is set to have a great season of running yards per carry there, lil’ buddy Peterson.

Don T

Apt for the last Sunday without any NFL simulacra or games. Happy Dimanche Blanc, DFOckos!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hey, you should do the Titans prekakke.

But you’ll have to turn in that stapler.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also, inspired by Brick Meathook’s komment on Ape’s farewell post, I think those of us that don’t already own it should consider buying Ape’s book as a small thank you:

http://www.amazon.com/Football-Fans-Manifesto-Michael-Tunison/dp/0061735140

KidFlash

Seconded. It’s funny, and is essentially KSK: The Book.

Bought that along with Drew’s sports book for a one-two punch of humor.

Spanky Datass

I hit myself in the face with Ape’s book daily!

acmegoesboom

I was the one who left the pube on the toilet lid. It’s my calling card.

Horatio Cornblower

Wow, Clarence Thomas is here! I never thought we’d get a Supreme Court justice.

Duchess

“He did what to the coke?”

– Michael Irvin

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Excellent post and de facto recap of days before the death of KSK. Welcome to friends old and new! Getting over what UPROXX did will be hard (phrasing!) but at least Balls broke out the punch and pie.

laserguru

Friday was the blogosphere version of the Red Wedding. I am still adjusting.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m coping how I always do: denial and whisky.

Martin

The Sexy Friday Room view sometimes allows up to see our hot neighbor on her deck, and then we celebrate Slutty Saturday.

trollsoharduniversity

The on,y days that I want to be sexy are days that end in “y”