As much as we like to pretend sports is pure and innocent, we all know she has taken a few pokes from the tips of wealthy businessmen over the years and has definitely done anal (it’s the sex  God can’t see if you’re hetero– sorry LGBTQ). It’s why in every Lesser Footy World Cup, the home team gets the weakest group. Or how the teams of franchise quarterbacks in the NFL never get called for holding. Or how in the NHL, the owners of teams closest to Gary Bettmen tend to never get their players suspended, or as long as they should despite their reputation (See: Jeremy Jacobs of the Bruins and Rat bastards Brad Marchand and Zdeno Chara). It’s also why we’ll likely never see an undisputed, stacked group of death at a men’s World Cup tournament. It’s ratings suicide. Sure, there’s now two groups that seem challenging, but, I’m talking about A GROUP OF DEATH! And that’s OK, we just ignore it because the 4th wall ruins everything. But if this is our new reality, sports owes us and can at least magically have the balls bounce so we groups designated to inspire hate.

Oh DFO’ers, we have been blessed with international Lesser footy hate. Last week, the preliminary joint 2022 Asian World Cup qualifiers & 2023 Asian Cup Qualifiers were announced. World War III is upon us:

Group A: Aka: Axis of Evir: China, Syria, Philippines and Maldives and Guam:

While the hate is not flowing in this group, it has a lot of the perceived bad guys that Americans hate.

If Americans knew their political geography, this would be a nightmare for them. China and Syria have been allies for decades (including China declaring their support for Bashar al-Assad during the Syrian “Civil” war) and have been recently been playing hot potato with each other with Uranium that originated from China.

Historically, China and Philippines are bitter enemies. It stems from the Philippines government maintaining a close relationship with the Kuomintang-ruled Taiwan and saw China as a threat to their land. This has carried over to the South China Sea dispute. In fact, a 2014 survey conducted by the Pew Research Center showed 93% of Filipinos were concerned that territorial disputes between China and neighboring countries could lead to a military conflict. However, current President Duterte has jumped off the lap of America and has fully embraced China. Yes, Duterte has turned heel at the expense of American hegemony in the pacific. This is all new, but, as we know, America is totally cool with perceived heel turns where it benefits one of their economic rivals. Stay tuned. . .

And then there was Guam. Guam is a good little American territory. Guam is the country true capitalists will be cheering for. However, China has been flexing their muscle with a Guam killer missile drill just off of Taiwan. Once again, I’m sure America will be cool with Guam being invaded by China. China is wanting to assert their dominance in the pacific and what better way to start by having China and its allies kick the piss out of Guam?

*Buys canned foods and bottled water for his bunker*

Group B: AKA:Persian Gulf War: Minnows Edition: Australia, Jordan, Chinese Taipei, Kuwait, Nepal

Here we go! Back in the original Persian Gulf War, Australia and Kuwait were allies, as they fought against Iraq and Jordan. Of course, there were no hard feelings, as Kuwait sent 600,000 refugees (most of whom were Palestinian) to Jordan as a response. Fun fact: Current Jordanian Queen, Rania, was one of the 600,000 who fled to Jordan.

Meanwhile, Chinese Taipei and Nepal are fine, but Nepal and Taiwan do not get along. Nepal went so far as to refuse help from Taiwan after Nepal had a major earthquake. Meow.

Group C: AKA: Holy Shi’ite!: Iran, Iraq, Bahrain, Hong Kong, Cambodia

Now we’re talking! This might be the only time in history were Shi’a Islam is the majority religion in a group. But don’t worry folks, they’ll be throwing bags of pig`s blood at each other during the group stage. While Iraq and Iran are somewhat cordial because they hate ISIS, their civilians fucking despise each other. Tensions strained in the 60s when Sadam’s Ba’athist party took over in Iraq, got worse when the Ayotollah took over in Iran in 1979, resulting in a devastating 7 year war that saw over a million people die. That doesn`t include key infrastructure that was also destroyed. As mentioned, the citizens despise each other–usually Iraqis claiming the Iranians are interfering in their politics, which recently led to September 7, 2018, when Iraqi citizens set the Iranian embassy on fire as a part of a series of protests and arson against the foreign power seen as becoming too influential in local domestic politics.

Meanwhile, Bahrain and Iran are fierce lesser footy and political rivals because Bahrain–despite being predominately Shi’a– are Saudi’s bitch. This is due to the fact that King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa is Sunni, not Shia.Therefore, there has been disputes over which interpretation of Islam is correct. Bahrain also likes sucking Mohamad bin Salman’s cock, and is starting to show favoritism towards America, as they host US Airforce and naval bases pointing towards Iran. Hey, want to know why Bahrain had an Arab Spring and the status quo won, despite being insanely bloody and targeting doctors/humanitarians? Well, now you know.

As an aside, there is an excellent film called Offside, by Jafar Panahi, which is about Iranian girls who try to watch the final World Cup qualifying match between Bahrain and Iraq (in 2006), but are forbidden by law because of their gender. Since female Iranian fans are banned from entering the stadiums in Iran– on the grounds that there will be a high risk of violence or verbal abuse against them– these girls dress up in disguises to watch the match. It’s also shot in real time. Not to give away anything else, but, you will likely be singing Iranian lesser footy chants after the movie (and for the decades that follow). I highly recommend it. Not to hype it up even more, but, Panahi either had to flee Iran for a few years after this movie, or, the Iranian government warned him that another controversial movie made by him would result in him going to jail, which did happen a few years later.

Once a famous cleric named Nimr al-Nimr was unjustly executed in Saudi (this was a big fucking deal), Iranian protesters decided to vandalize the Saudi embassy in Tehran, resulting in Bahrain following Saudi’s decision by severing diplomatic relations with Iran in 2016.

Meanwhile, Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge committed a genocide against Muslims in Cambodia, so, there will be no love lost when they play Muslim countries. As for Cambodia and Hong Kong, they were sort of socio-economic rivalries as both are vying for more funding from Beijing so they can complete their hundreds of projects they want completed. China will get them to place nice, all under the name of the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN)

Group D: AKA: The Group of Literal Death: Saudi Arabia, Uzbekistan, Palestine, Yemen, Singapore

They were once good friends. Now, Saudi Arabia and Yemen are bitter enemies. Despite being one of the poorest countries in the world, Yemen has been fighting off Saudi Arabia–a country armed and financed to the teeth by America and other Western Imperialist powers– for the past 4 years. As a result, Yemen is experiencing the world’s worst man-made humanitarian disaster, while Saudi Arabia looks like a bunch of incompetent idiots.

More than 3 million people – including 2 million children – are acutely malnourished, which makes them more vulnerable to disease. The charity Save the Children estimates that 85,000 children with severe acute malnutrition may have died between April 2015 and October 2018.

With only half of the country’s 3,500 medical facilities fully functioning, almost 20 million people lack access to adequate healthcare. And almost 18 million do not have enough clean water or access to adequate sanitation.

Consequently, medics have struggled to deal with the largest cholera outbreak ever recorded, which has resulted in more than 1.49 million suspected cases and 2,960 related deaths since April 2017.

TL/DR: The Saudis are assholes and can be embarrassed once again if the Yemeni were to beat them.

Speaking of no love lost, Saudi Arabia is also in a group with Palestine. The Saudis have been cozying up to Israel at the expense of Palestinians for years. Recently, Mohammad bin Salman told Palestinians in 2018 that they “should accept [Eric Trump’s] peace treaty or ‘shut up and stop complaining.” That went over like a wet fart. Mainly, this is done for self-preservation, as there has been large opposition groups in Saudi Arabia that are sick of the Royal Family’s shit and would like democracy, etc.

As for Uzbekistan, they always seem to be grouped with Palestine, so, there’s an on field rivalry brewing between the two. Furthermore, almost 4% of Uzbekistan’s population (or 1.2 million people) are slaves, which you know makes Saudi Arabia jealous.

As for Singapore, many of their citizens are none too pleased about Saudi Arabia pouring tons of money into books that teach Saudi’s ultra conservative religion. Moreover, Singapore is a minnow that is a battle field for Gulf states and influence.
Singapore’s conclusions from the Gulf crisis in terms of ensuring that it has the capacity to defend itself and stand up for its national interests are lessons that Qatar too is learning with the boycott, forcing it to diversify its suppliers of essential goods and services, expand the network of ports its vessels can call on, and enhance its ability to produce at least some basic items like dairy products. So, psychologically, Singapore is ready to do battle against the Saudis.

Group E: AKA: Slavery is alive in 2K-1-9: Bangladesh, Oman, India, Afghanistan, Qatar:

As this Pencil neck geek mentioned, Qatar has a pretty big slave problem. In fact, with the exception of Oman, the rest of the nations in this group have provided Qatar with slaves. But lets not sell the other countries short. India has 1.4% of their population, or over 18.35 million people are slaves. Afghanistan ranks tied for 6th in the world for slaves per capita at 1.13%, or 367,600 people.

Qatar is currently being isolated/boycotted by the Saudis and most of the Gulf states–except Oman. Oman is like the Switzerland of the gulf states and as a result, Oman has remained neutral (as much as they can) in the Gulf Crisis. Consequently, Oman has seen a massive spike in their economy because Qatar can only go through Oman for business.

Group F: AKA: The Mongolian Empire’s Revenge!: Japan, Kyrgyz Republic, Tajikistan, Myanmar, Mongolia

With the exception of Japan, the other countries in this group belonged to the Mongolian Empire at one point or another. You know it must grill the Mongolians for not being able to conquer Japan. Now’s their chance! Admittedly, both nations have a common hatred of China and are enamored with a homogeneous population, even if means their population will eventually disappear in a hundred years. Tajikistan would like to get another shot at Japan as they fought against each other in WWII, resulting in 60-120000 Tajikistani dying (out of a population over 1.3 million).

Kyrgyzstan–Tajikistan relations have in recent years been tense. Refugees and anti-government fighters in Tajikistan have crossed into Kyrgyzstan several times, even taking hostages. Both countries are minnows to larger states, as both are influenced by China and Russia (and Turkey to a much smaller extent).

Burma/Myanmar has long been considered a pariah state, ever since ever since Junta took over from the 1960s until 2011. Currently in Myanmar, more than 128,000 Muslims — about 125,000 Rohingyas and 3,000 ethnic Kamans — have been held for the past seven years in de facto open-air detention camps, without access to livelihoods or adequate basic services. In 2018, the UN acknowledge this has become a genocide. Given their place in the world, that should piss off the Japanese, but they see this as an opportunity to do business with Myanmar.

Group G: AKA: Wakezila gets his history mixed up with these countries for some reason: UAE, Vietnam, Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia

Singapore was once part of Malaysia’s Federation in 1963 until about 1965. Due to ethnic clashes, Singapore left the federation and became an independent Republic. The next 3 decades, they had pissing contests disputing over military fly overs, and Singapore and Malaysia have been in dispute over land reclamation work in border waters as recent as a decade ago. Singapore and Vietnam have battled each other throughout history under different names.

Indonesia and Vietnam have had various territorial disputes with each other for about 1200 years. Recently, Indonesia has been petty as they have been shooting down numerous Vietnamese fishing boats, whom they claim are in their territorial waters. Watch this boil over onto the field! Currently, both nations are in a territorial dispute over the oil-rich islands of Ambalat.

Thailand fought with the Krauts and annexed land from Malaysia, so there is no love lost between the two. Around 2004, martial law was imposed in Thailand more than 100 people killed in a wave of attacks blamed on ethnic-Malay separatists. Don’t think the Thai have forgotten about that! Speaking of hard feelings, Thailand and Vietnam have been fighting each other off and on for the past 300 years, most notably in the 1980s when the Vietnamese chased down the Khmer Rouge.

As for the United Arab Emirates, well, they’re culturally and religiously different so, the other countries will be gunning for them, too.

Group H: AKA: Nuke em all!: South Korea, North Korea, Lebanon, Turkmenistan, Sri Lanka:

Oh, we both know Kim Jung Un will break peaceful relations with Korea over a chance to qualify for the World Cup. That’s a big deal for a dictatorship. Ding Ding Ding.

Even more unforseen circumstances has resulted in me not being able to finish this post. Most clubs are still doing their tours, while the MLS, Liga MX, the Canadian Premier League and every league in Central and South America are playing for keeps. Check your local listings. Speaking of the CSL, did you know there’s a team called Ukraine United FC? Me neither. Something tells me this has to do with the Toronto Blizzard ownership.

You know what I found out the other day and can’t stop thinking about? Steve Kerr has a son named Nick. I think that means we have to cancel Steve Kerr.

Enjoy whatever you’re watching. Sorry this post was a hot mess. Love you all.